%Merchant shouts 'Todays play will be highly fictional, yet accurate. Names claimed are not real people.'
%Merchant rests both massive hands on his market stall, adjusting an apron that reads ?World?s Best Ex-Warlord.?
%Merchant says 'Ah. Customers. I can tell by the way you're standing there ? skeptical, underfunded, and probably flammable.'
%Merchant says 'Name?s Bamot. Former terror of battlefields. Breaker of sieges. Splitter of shields.'
%Merchant says 'Current proprietor of Bamot's Blade & Trade, where our motto is: If it doesn't kill you, it builds character. If it does kill you, store credit.'
%Merchant strokes his beard thoughtfully.
%Merchant says 'Retirement from war was not moral. It was financial.'
%Merchant says 'On the battlefield, I risk my life for treasure.'
%Merchant says 'As a merchant, YOU risk your life? and bring me treasure.'
%Merchant whispers 'Strategic outsourcing.'
%Merchant winks slyly.
%Merchant says 'People ask if I miss the glory.'
%Merchant says 'Of course I miss i
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t! The roar of warriors! The clash of steel! The thunder of hooves!'
%Merchant says 'Now I get, "Excuse me, sir, this enchanted cloak clashes with my boots."'
%Merchant says 'It clashes because it?s cursed.'
%Merchant lifts a sword dramatically.
%Merchant says 'The other day, a fresh-faced adventurer comes to me.'
%Merchant says '"I require a sword to slay a dragon!" he says.'
%Merchant says 'Of course you do. Dragons must have excellent marketing.'
%Merchant says 'I show him three options.'
%Merchant says 'Budget Dragon Slayer ? slightly bends in extreme heat.'
%Merchant says 'Premium Dragon Slayer ? screams when near fire.'
%Merchant says 'Collector's Edition Dragon Slayer ? comes with certificate of authenticity and mild possession.'
%Merchant leans forward conspiratorially.
%Merchant says 'He asks, "Which one would you use?"'
%Merchant says 'When I fought dragons, I didn't have branding.'
%Merchant says 'I had rage.'
%Merchant says 'And an axe.'
%Merchant whispers 'Mostly rage.'
%Merchant
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 feels a slight tremor coming from afar...
%Merchant squints toward the imaginary horizon.
%Merchant shouts 'DRAGON!'
%Merchant calmly flips an imaginary sign from OPEN to "BRB: HEROICS."
%Merchant says 'Very important to remain professional.'
%Merchant reaches beneath the stall slowly.
%Merchant says 'Under the counter, beneath the emergency crossbow and the 'Definitely Not Stolen'(tm) crate...'
%Merchant lifts an enormous invisible axe with reverence.
%Merchant says 'My old axe.'
%Merchant says 'Still balanced. Still humming. Like it missed me.'
%Merchant says 'Or perhaps it just missed violence.'
%Merchant cracks his neck loudly.
%Merchant says 'The young adventurer looks at me and asks, "What do we do?"'
%Merchant says 'What do we do?'
%Merchant says 'We upsell.'
%Merchant tosses an imaginary sword outward.
%Merchant says 'Trial period. If you survive, full price.'
%Merchant says 'He says that's unethical.'
%Merchant says 'I say that's business.'
%Merchant steps forward as if marching i
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nto battle.
%Merchant says 'The dragon roars.'
%Merchant shouts 'I ROAR LOUDER!'
%Merchant says 'Very important in negotiations.'
%Merchant dodges dramatically to one side.
%Merchant says 'It swings its tail.'
%Merchant says 'I critique its form. Too wide! Commit to the follow-through!'
%Merchant says 'No one trains dragons properly anymore.'
%Merchant plants the axe into the ground triumphantly.
%Merchant says 'We win, of course.'
%Merchant says 'Because I refuse to lose in front of potential customers.'
%Merchant holds up an imaginary dragon tooth.
%Merchant says 'Authentic dragon teeth! Fresh!'
%Merchant whispers 'Sold out by noon for sure...'
%Merchant dusts off his apron proudly.
%Merchant says 'Do I miss war?'
%Merchant says 'Sometimes.'
%Merchant says 'But war never gave me margins.'
%Merchant says 'On the battlefield, you conquer kingdoms.'
%Merchant says 'At a stall?'
%Merchant says 'You conquer impulse buyers.'
%Merchant whispers 'And impulse buyers are far more predictable than
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 orcs.'
%Merchant flips the imaginary sign back to OPEN.
%Merchant says 'So if you seek a sword, a shield, or a lightly cursed amulet that whispers encouragement in unsettling tone?'
%Merchant says 'Welcome.'
%Merchant says 'If you?re here to return something?'
%Merchant says 'No.'
%Merchant says 'If you anger a dragon?'
%Merchant grins broadly.
%Merchant says 'Bring it back toward the stall.'
%Merchant whispers 'Foot traffic is everything.'
%Merchant says 'And here is my advertisement story about how I taught Solvik to hold on the correct end of the sword.'
%Merchant bows.