Entire Text of Ted (Lift of Dreams)

Function getted(p.player)
Select p\tedscene
Case 1
p\tedtext$="It's me, Teddikins! The Funny Bear!"
Case 2
p\tedtext$="You might think all bears are cute and cuddly, but guess what, punk? I'm not!"
Case 3
p\tedtext$="I'm rude, baby! And I've got a sick sense of humour!"
Case 4
p\tedtext$="You guys wanna hear a rude joke? Boy are you gonna love what I got for ya!"
Case 5
p\tedscene=0
Case 6
p\tedtext$="Here's a rude joke: What did the man say when he fell on his bum?"
Case 7
p\tedtext$="ANSWER: 'Oh Bum!'"
Case 8
p\tedscene=0
Case 9
p\tedtext$="Miss me?"
Case 10
p\tedtext$="That's right, it's me, Teddikins, the rude bear!"
Case 11
p\tedtext$="I know what you're thinking. How can someone so cute be so rude? Well..."
Case 12
p\tedtext$="listen up, sweetheart. I'm one of a kind."
Case 13
p\tedtext$="Yeah I know you guys love me. Yeah, yeah, form a line."
Case 14
p\tedscene=0
Case 15
p\tedtext$="Who's back baby?"
Case 16
p\tedscene=0
Case 17
p\tedtext$="Hey baby, why did the chicken cross the road?"
Case 18
p\tedtext$="Lemme guess, you're thinkin': 'To get to the other side?'"
Case 19
p\tedtext$="Wrong!"
Case 20
p\tedtext$="The correct answer is: To escape his girlfriend, who was nagging him!"
Case 21
p\tedscene=0
Case 22
p\tedtext$="That's right, baby! I smoke, and I drink!"
Case 23
p\tedscene=0
Case 24
p\tedtext$="I once did magic mushrooms (That's a kind of drug)"
Case 25
p\tedtext$="Some people have a bad experience with magic mushrooms. I didn't."
Case 26
p\tedtext$="I saw hot babes everywhere! Wowee!"
Case 27
p\tedscene=0
Case 28
p\tedtext$="How did the bear rob the bank?"
Case 29
p\tedtext$="...Bear-y carefully."
Case 30
p\tedtext$="Speaking of robbing banks, that reminds me of the time me and my best friend..."
Case 31
p\tedtext$="Had to rob a bank together, to afford a box of beer."
Case 32
p\tedtext$="Or should that be a box of BEAR?"
Case 33
p\tedscene=0
Case 34
p\tedtext$="Hey baby, what can I call ya?"
Case 35
p\tedtext$="Okay, guess people here aren't very talkative."
Case 36
p\tedscene=0
Case 37
p\tedtext$="Get away from me, hippie!"
Case 38
p\tedscene=0
Case 39
p\tedtext$="Don't like me smoking? Well I don't like your FACE."
Case 40
p\tedscene=0
Case 41
p\tedtext$="Hot enough in here or is it just me, baby?"
Case 42
p\tedscene=0
Case 43
p\tedtext$="Damn! That's a spicy tamalé!"
Case 44
p\tedscene=0
Case 45
p\tedtext$="Any of you suckers play counter-strike?"
Case 46
p\tedtext$="I'm an expert. I can counter-strike all night, baby."
Case 47
p\tedscene=0
Case 48
p\tedtext$="Hey, where'd you buy that shirt? The clown store?"
Case 49
p\tedscene=0
Case 50
p\tedtext$="I've got over 3,000 jokes coded into me, baby!"
Case 51
p\tedtext$="That coder, damn, she was hot."
Case 52
p\tedtext$="She opened up my back panel and put the jokes in me, baby!"
Case 53
p\tedtext$="Now I'm not the most liberal-minded guy but, hehe, she can open my back panel whenever she wants, baby!"
Case 54
p\tedscene=0
Case 55
p\tedtext$="I have a gambling problem."
Case 56
p\tedscene=0
Case 57
p\tedtext$="Call me racist but: I hate animals."
Case 58
p\tedscene=0
Case 59
p\tedtext$="Don't you just hate it when your crush only texts back the letter 'k'?"
Case 60
p\tedscene=0
Case 61
p\tedtext$="Hey, the toilet store called, they say they want you back!"
Case 62
p\tedscene=0
Case 63
p\tedtext$="Now, I'm not racist, but..."
Case 64
p\tedtext$="I hate robots. Especially that one who works here."
Case 65
p\tedtext$="When that guy gets on the lift, the whole place glazes over, know what I mean?"
Case 66
p\tedscene=0
Case 67
p\tedtext$="Charlie Sheen? Legend amoung men. Is there a man alive who doesn't want to be him?"
Case 68
p\tedscene=0
Case 69
p\tedtext$="You can have that last joke for free, baby."
Case 70
p\tedscene=0
Case 71
p\tedtext$="Why did the skeleton not go to the party?"
Case 72
p\tedtext$="Because he had 'no body' to go with!"
Case 73
p\tedscene=0
Case 74
p\tedtext$="Eh, tough crowd."
Case 75
p\tedscene=0
Case 76
p\tedtext$="This is one hard-to-please audience!"
Case 77
p\tedscene=0
Case 78
p\tedtext$="Look alive, you lot!"
Case 79
p\tedscene=0
Case 80
p\tedtext$="Come on guys, laugh! It'll give you excersise!"
Case 81
p\tedscene=0
Case 82
p\tedtext$="Can't you people take a joke?"
Case 83
p\tedtext$="Political correctness really has gone mad."
Case 84
p\tedtext$="I mean, it's just a joke! Do you people have to take everything seriously?"
Case 85
p\tedtext$="People are way too politically correct these days."
Case 86
p\tedtext$="If you don't like my jokes, you can just get straight out!"
Case 87
p\tedtext$="Don't let the door hit you on the way out!"
Case 88
p\tedscene=0
Case 89
p\tedtext$="A girl once said to me, 'You're just some toy!'"
Case 90
p\tedtext$="I replied, 'I'm the real deal, baby!"
Case 91
p\tedscene=0
Case 92
p\tedtext$="A man walks intpo a bar."
Case 93
p\tedtext$="'OUCH!!'"
Case 94
p\tedscene=0
Case 95
p\tedtext$="Why can't you eat breakfast off a pig's tail?"
Case 96
p\tedtext$="Cause it's 'too early', (twirly) get it?"
Case 97
p\tedscene=0
Case 98
p\tedtext$="What do penguin nuclear scientists eat?"
Case 99
p\tedtext$="Fission chips."
Case 100
p\tedscene=0
Case 101
p\tedtext$="What food give you an electric shock?"
Case 102
p\tedtext$="A current bun (current, get it?)"
Case 103
p\tedscene=0
Case 104
p\tedtext$="How do you keep an idiot in suspense?"
Case 105
p\tedscene=0
Case 106
p\tedtext$="Jesus. You People. Such lovers of humour."
Case 107
p\tedscene=0
Case 108
p\tedtext$="One of my old girlfriends didn't like me farting while watching the football."
Case 109
p\tedtext$="I dumped her by text."
Case 110
p\tedscene=0
Case 111
p\tedtext$="Girls love the cuddly fur, baby!"
Case 112
p\tedscene=0
Case 113
p\tedtext$="A girl once asked me if I could 'get down' despite being a cuddly toy."
Case 114
p\tedtext$="I said 'sadly, I cannot, but you can still take this bear to bed, honey!"
Case 115
p\tedscene=0
Case 116
p\tedtext$="ERROR: JOKE NOT FOUND"
Case 117
p\tedscene=0
Case 118
p\tedtext$="I once had my friends in stitches... But I made it up to them by coming to the hospital"
Case 119
p\tedtext$="Get it? They were getting stitches. In hospital."
Case 120
p\tedtext$="Cause I injured them! Get it?"
Case 121
p\tedtext$="Eh, This crowd is a tough nut to crack."
Case 122
p\tedscene=0
Case 123
p\tedtext$="I just got paid, baby!"
Case 124
p\tedscene=0
Case 125
p\tedtext$="I'm like, hey baby, it's good for ya!"
Case 126
p\tedscene=0
Case 127
p\tedtext$="There's a feminist line of clothing that says 'Bitch? You say that like it's a bad thing'"
Case 128
p\tedtext$="We can play at that game, too, honey!"
Case 129
p\tedtext$="'Douchebag? You say that like it's a bad thing!"
Case 130
p\tedscene=0
Case 131
p\tedtext$="Hey, you look slightly fat, are you pregnant?"
Case 132
p\tedscene=0
Case 133
p\tedtext$="Does your shirt say 'This is what a feminist looks like?'"
Case 134
p\tedtext$="Well this is what a beat-up hipster looks like...!"
Case 135
p\tedscene=0
Case 136
p\tedtext$="Getting shit-faced with the lads? Priceless."
Case 137
p\tedscene=0
Case 138
p\tedtext$="Hey, I'll hold the door for you, baby."
Case 139
p\tedtext$="(While I check out your ass)"
Case 140
p\tedscene=0
Case 141
p\tedtext$="Don't let the door hit you on the way out!"
Case 142
p\tedscene=0
Case 143
p\tedtext$="Bacon is God's gift to man."
Case 144
p\tedscene=0
Case 145
p\tedtext$="A Playstation made of bacon would be awesome."
Case 146
p\tedtext$="But then I'd have to choose between playing games and eating bacon."
Case 147
p\tedtext$="A frightening paradox."
Case 148
p\tedscene=0
Case 149
p\tedtext$="Love the look you're going for, baby."
Case 150
p\tedtext$="Give it a while, you might reach it."
Case 151
p\tedscene=0
Case 152
p\tedtext$="I prefer girls without make-up. Keep it natural."
Case 153
p\tedscene=0
Case 154
p\tedtext$="My girlfriend asked me what's the thing I want most in the whole wide world."
Case 155
p\tedtext$="I said: 'A girlfriend who doesn't ask stupid questions."
Case 156
p\tedscene=0
Case 157
p\tedtext$="BEHIND YOU!"
Case 158
p\tedtext$="...Just kidding."
Case 159
p\tedscene=0
Case 160
p\tedtext$="When I was a kid, people used to tell me I was funny."
Case 161
p\tedtext$="So I punched them and said 'Who's funny now, baby?"
Case 162
p\tedscene=0
Case 163
p\tedtext$="My favourite movie is Flash Gordon."
Case 164
p\tedtext$="I love Flash (not in a gay way)"
Case 165
p\tedtext$="FLASH! AAH AHH! SAVIOR OF THE UNIVERSE!"
Case 166
p\tedtext$="C'mon guys, join in!"
Case 167
p\tedscene=0
Case 168
p\tedtext$="Oh, you thought that joke sucked? Well you know what else sucks? You."
Case 169
p\tedscene=0
Case 170
p\tedtext$="I tried being normal once. Worst 5 seconds of my life."
Case 171
p\tedscene=0
Case 172
p\tedtext$="I'd rather be 'an asshole' than normal."
Case 173
p\tedscene=0
Case 174
p\tedtext$="I was ROBBED of that oscar!"
Case 175
p\tedscene=0
Case 176
p\tedtext$="Yeah, hey, welcome to the lift, where it's all a party..."
Case 177
p\tedscene=0
Case 178
p\tedtext$="BAE: Wanna go out?"
Case 179
p\tedtext$="ME: Wanna shut up?"
Case 180
p\tedscene=0
Case 181
p\tedtext$="I may be a toy, but I got no 'off' switch, baby!"
Case 182
p\tedscene=0
Case 183
p\tedtext$="NOW PLAYING: WILL.I.AM FEAT BRITNEY SPEARS: SCREAM AND SHOUT (Basshunter Remix)"
Case 184
p\tedscene=0
Case 185
p\tedtext$="NOW PLAYING: MEGHAN TRAINOR: ALL ABOUT THAT BASS"
Case 186
p\tedscene=0
Case 187
p\tedtext$="My girlfriend posted 'I'm feeling so sad right now.'"
Case 188
p\tedtext$="...'Like'"
Case 189
p\tedscene=0
Case 190
p\tedtext$="Any of you guys want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Case 191
p\tedtext$="...No?"
Case 192
p\tedscene=0
Case 193
p\tedtext$="I know you all love me baby... It's my animal magnetism."
Case 194
p\tedscene=0
End Select
p\tedtimer=460
If p\tedscene=0 Then p\tedtimer=Rand(460,1200)
End Function