Rainbow Badge of Inclusiveness

I’m what you might call a bleating heart liberal. To clarify, I didn’t say “bleeding” just now; I said “bleating,” or in laymen’s terms, bahhing. We’re all just sheep grazing in a field, staring listlessly into the stupid, boring heavens, inconsequentially bleating, not yet resigned to the ultimate futility of it all. "Will we ever know why we’re here on Earth?" a desperate lamb can be heard calling out. "No," the world seems to call back, "and fuck you for asking."

When it comes to race, gender, and sexuality, the only thing missing from my list is a comedic influence who is of Asian descent, or an “Asian Persuasion” if you will; you probably won’t; you don’t have to. If I just had one Asian influence my list of comedic influences would be anthropologically complete. I would finally qualify for the rainbow badge of inclusiveness. The rainbow badge of inclusiveness is a badge a comedian gets when he or she meets all of the politically correct requirements. The best part about the badge is that it allows its owner to make jokes about other races and the opposite gender even if the badge’s owner is a privileged white male, which is an affliction from which I suffer. What’s funny is…

Hold on, my agent is signaling for me to check my messages…oh shit. Well it turns out that India is actually a part of Asia. That changes everything, because two of my biggest comedic influences are of Indian descent:  Mindy Kaling and Haji from Johnny Quest Adventures. That dude was hilarious. This is big, you guys; I did it! I finally qualify for my rainbow badge of inclusiveness. I can say whatever I want and it it’ll be just fine, and I didn't have to rob a peace corp member at gunpoint in order to get my badge, either. Take that, Daniel Tosh. Frickin’ poseur. I’m going to get some angry tweets from him after I release this album. What’s new? I’ve never been able to make that guy happy. I just lied. I don’t actually know Daniel Tosh at all. Hell, I don’t even have an agent. That whole bit with the cell phone earlier was totally scripted. I know, I really sold that shit but you should’ve known better than to think I would have the professional expertise to hire an agent. I’m only barely professional enough to keep myself from taking a nap right now. I shouldn’t have lied to you nice people. Can we start over again fresh? I promise I won’t lie to you guys ever again. So the other day I was at a ski resorted on Jupiter with the ghost of Che Guevara…

I'm a pretty stereotypical male feminist. Just like all other male feminists, I'm always telling people, primarily women, just how against sexism I am. I brag about how up to date I am on feminist issues. I need to stop acting like I need rewarded for being a male feminist. If someone threw me a treat at some point I think I'd finally be ready to move on from being so obvious. My pick-up lines are even super transparent regarding my need to prove how progressive I am. "Hey, girl, I've read Bossypants by Tina Fey like 4 times now. Do you want to go back to my place, maybe listen to some Amanda Palmer and talk about Bikini Kill. Or we can listen to some Bikini Kill and talk about Amanda Palmer. We don’t even have to go back to my place, if that makes you uncomfortable. We can invent a build a time machine and go back in time and campaign for Hilary Clinton together. Maybe later we can go on a drive and I can pointedly not open the car door for you." Feminists love that shit.