Thread 78: Stories 31-45

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>DT
"Spike"
'77'
~~

>...You know what I just noticed?

"What's that?"

>This is the first time all four of us are going on the same mission. OG gunclub, I mean. You, me, 42 and patchy there.

'That's not true, what about the airs-... oh, right, that was Seven over there.'

"What about Chi- oh, right, Seventy Seven wasn't there when we engaged her."

'...You weren't there during Partyland either.'

"And both you and Forty Two were absent during the infected invasion."

'...Huh.'

>Weird, right?

'Isn't this normally in a point of a story where someone dies dramatically? Big assembly, then boom.'

"Sure, in stories, but come on, this isn't some cheesy action movie. We'll be fine."

>..My money's on Seven.

'POPPET!'

>Tell me you weren't thinking it.

'... I mean, his track record isn't great, admittedly, but...'

>...
"..."
'...I'll, uh, make sure to keep a close eye on him.'

>Not too close, don't want to get that splatter in your eye.

SMACK!

>Do not even give a care.

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NC
>Celestia
"Chrysalis"
'AJ'
-Luna-
~~~

>...You know what I just noticed?

"What's that?'

>There's no Applejack, no Twilight, no Luna, nobody to stop me.

"Stop you from..."

>...Party?

"...let's motherfucking do this."

~~~~~~

'Chrysalis? We found 12, he ain't dead but he's all sticky and we think he- OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!'

>N-noo...HRKK!... no regrets...

'...issat Shiny in there?'

"Do you really want to know?"

'...Nope.'

>In case you were wondering, he's all sticky too-

'NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE'

~~~

-We feel like we are missing something...-

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>Twilight
"42"
~~~~

"Er, first mate Twilight? I have a question."

With great, great force, the solider's head shifted, turning until she could look back at the princess plastered against the back wall, being held there by the sheer g-force that made her akin to a bug on a windshield.

>Yes, oh captain my captain!?

Forty Two very much did not appreciate the dripping sarcasm, but she continued anyway.

"So this thing is going to take us right to there, right?"

>YES! Thankfully you waited until after I put in the coordinates before you did this stupid, stupid thing!

"Oh. It's just... we're getting pretty close."

>OH THANK CELESTIA!

"You might not be saying that in a second."

>...Whyyyyy?

"Because we're getting pretty close... but we're not slowing down."

>...

"I was just wondering... did you program in that this is supposed to gradually stop, or-HRK!"

Her question was answered in that moment, and she needed to speak of it no more.

Not that continuing to talk to the blank spot where Twilight had been a second ago would have been of any use. She would have wondered where the alicorn went, had the rush of air at the speed of sound flying by her head not told he exactly where Twilight had spirited away to.

With great, great trepidation, she turned her head to the front of the airship... and the backside of the lavender alicorn now on display.

"...Twilight? You okay?"

>Mrphmm.

"Oh... okay."

>...

"...Are you sure?"

>Gmmehdun.

"...I think you should sit in the chair on the way home."

>YUHFINK!?

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>Luna
"29"
[Ghostkids]
~~~~

>Student! We have a question for thee.

"Thine methodology be backwards, methinks."

>BE SILENT! And then tell to us how many children are present right now.

"..."

>..

"..."

>...WELL!?

"Thou said to be silent, but not the length."

SMACK!

"OW!"

>Do not grow smart on us!

"Ah yes, the dream of every teacher, for their student to grow stupider by the day-OW!"

>HOW MANY!?

"Six, blast it! Six!"

>...Wait, we only sense five! Are thou lying to us?

"What? No. The two Coltrstrallions over there-"

['Allo lassie.]

[Bloody 'ell she's got a flank.]

"-the two posh ones-"

[Oh mah stars and garters, in the presence of a princess!]

[If there was ever a time I cared for the royals, it was around the same time my diaper itched the worst.]

"-and the conjoined twins."

[EVEN IN DEATH!]

[THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT!]

>...

"No, I'm not calling them on that, they've earned that one."

>...Thou... thou can still be conjoined after death?

[SUCH!]
[BULLLSHIIIIIT!]

"My sentiments exactly."

>Thou knows we cannot hear them, yes?

"Likely for the best, they've learned some amazing swears."

>...

"I know this is a bad time, but do you know how to cut a ghost?"

>...Yes.

"Children! Thine last wish to be granted!"

[AWESOOOOOME!]

"...Oh! And to the conjoined ones as well. This is what thou wished, right?"

[Yes!]
[Obviously!]

>Wait, then who-

"Coltstrallions have... weird interests..."

>...

"...Let's cut up some dead children!"

>...

"...and forget I just said that!"

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NC
>Variolus
"Luna"
'Sunset'
[Chitania]
~~~~

>Gyahahahaha, evil, destroy, break! I WILL RUIN ALL OF CANTER-

*GHOST-STAB!*

"Get the fuck out of my kingdom."

>Urgglhh....

'Huh, wha? The curse is lifted! I am free, freeeeeee!'

[KILL STEAL! I CALL KILL STEAL! THAT WAS MINE! I WANTED TO GO FOR THE DOUBLE MULTIPLIER!]

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Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Luna"
~~~~~
>Hi Princess Luna!

"...doesn't thou have a late night show and some other guest to bother?"

>I do, but I have a question.

"...For some reason we have the sudden urge to flee, but go on."

>While you're sleeping do you still visit dreams?

"It depends on our mood sometimes, but most ponies are awake during the day, so we don't usually have to extend our duties"

>Heh, you said doody.

"...yes duty."

>*snort* Say, we should hang out some times! I'd be stealing Applejack and Princess Celestia's routine, but there might be comedy potential between us don't you think? Eh? Eh? You can be my straight mare!

"...We will pass."

>Suit yourseeelf~

"...That wasn't so bad. Why does Celestia get so jumpy?"

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~~~~~

She marched before them as the all stood single file, rank and steady as any soldiers should.

Also, noticeably, she was trying to ignore the signs of whiplash several of them were sporting.

"Soldiers! Here is your mission briefing! The main objective of this operation is stealth! We are to get in there, extract both targets, and leave within the quickest possible timeframe! In order to do this, we shall have to stand out as little as possible."

Everyone, absolutely every single one of them, looked at all of the others, and then gave Forty Two the longest, deadest stare she had ever been given in her life.

"...What?"

Impossibly, that stare became a mixture of pure deadpan 'what' and a level of incredulousness that would only normally be possible to be achieved by informing Chitania that punches were ineffective.

As one, in a horrifyingly well-choreographed maneuver, all of them stood up and locked into a stance proudly displaying themselves.

That is to say, the four alicorns, captain of the Wonderbolts, bright pink owner of a flying party island, two changelings, a tiny pink filly and, of course, the dragon.

"...Oh..."

"Clicking now?"

"Yes, Twilight, I am seeing the issue."

"Ya' gotta plan B?"

"What? What's wrong with plan A?"

Rainbow Dash's groan was somehow louder than any scream of frustration.

"How are we freaking supposed to blend in!?"

"Oh, uh... you're not? You're only here if we need to fight something."

"...This seems like overkill."

"So why insist to come?"

Six ponies all shared a look.

"...She's got a point."

"So, how are you all getting in?"

This time, it was Forty Two who got to give the deadpan, yet incredulous look. And Applejack's turn to slowly feel like an idiot.

"...Oh, right, uh... Changeling."

"So... you just came to tell us you and the Sevens are off?"

The solider pondered to herself for a moment, thinking long and hard.

"...Let's do this, team!."

The synchronized facehoof/claw was nothing short of magical.

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>Celestia
"Pommel"

"Hey Princess Celestia, could I have a moment of your time?"

>Hm? Oh good afternoon, Captain Pommel, did you require something?

"No-well, yes, actually. I need just a bit of a favor. Could you send Princess Sparkle my way after she gets back?"

>Is something wrong, Captain?

"Well..."

Doubt beset the unicorn, perhaps it was better not to get the Princess worried. After all it would probably take a genius like Princess Sparkle only a little time to fix this, surely. It'd be far better to simply keep this between himself and all the immediately interested parties.

Then after the nanosecond it took for that thought to formulate a much louder and forceful thought outlined how that was an absolutely horrible idea and he'd have to be a mental deficient to even consider it for a moment longer.

"Well...how do I put this gently..."

And all the way to Ponyville, even if it was just a whisper on the wind at the point, people could swear they heard the motherly voice of Princess Celestia...

In a mixture of shock and fury.

>THAT AWFUL THING IS *WHERE*!?

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>Scientist
"???"
'???'
[???]
~~

How he longed for a day someone could conceivably call 'normal'.

The worker for the Advanced Bio and Biomechanical Research Think Tank or ABBRAT for short, longed for the days when his job was simple, upfront and efficient. Nowadays his employer had him in a freaking fortress of steel and stone, surrounded on all sides by guards and other scientists working long hours with short breaks.

Admittedly, as he had been promised in his sign on contract, the housing he was afforded was amazingly lavish, top tier to be sure, but it's just a pity these moments when he could actually be in this expensive looking place were so rare. He had barely seen it at all in the months he had been working for this weird company.

Working for them while keeping his mouth absolutely shut 24/7 outside of that building, that is. He wasn't the most suspicious of unicorns, but even he could piece together that getting permission to do a tenth of what they did down there would have taken until he was old and grey, and thus ABBRAT was likely in a surrounded fortress for a very, very good reason, and the moment his contract was he up should likely distance himself fast and hard.

But that was a worry for later. For now, he could just recline in his nice little chair, turn on his projector, pick up some of his spectacular wine, and enjoy a night of relaxation.

"Enjoying the show?"

Night of heart attacks, he meant. He was clearly about to enjoy a night of heart attacks.

"You haven't seen a show yet."

>G-

He hadn't even gotten out a single letter before a hard, slick and hairless hoof was pressed to his mouth, silencing him fast and hard.

"Oh, I would bother calling for your little security."

He was forcibly turned around, coming face to face with a very, very angry set of eyes.

...Scratch that, one eye, just one really angry eye.

"I think you and I need to have a little talk."

Terror gripped him like a vice as the changeling pulled back, allowing the scientist a nice look at the knife he was sporting. A very white, very sharp looking knife.

"I take it from your expression, I'm not the first changeling you've seen up close, and you know why I'm here."

His eyes began to dart back and forth wildly as realization struck him, looking for any sign of help, any sign of anything. This place was supposed to be ridiculously secure!

"First things first, and you had better answer it quickly..."

That single, angry eye narrowed the gap, and soon seemed to be boring right into his soul.

"Is. He. Alive."

>MMHMM! HMMHMM!

He nodded yes as fervently as he could, mumbling into the hoof so loudly drool was pouring down the side.

"That... is very fortunate for you. Now, unfortunately for you, I have a timeframe here, a very short one. So, I'm going to get answers out of you, honest ones, and I'm going to get them very, very quickly."

He held up that knife again, brushing it along the scientists coat.

"And if I feel like you're not being totally honest with me, I'm going to get very... very angry. Do you understand this?"

He began to squirm in terror as the knife brushed it's razor sharp edge closer to his throat, and all but screamed in abject horror.

"That's a pity... because now, I have to be very, very sure... and you're not going to enjoy this."

>HMMMMMM HMMMMMM!

"I'd tell you to prepare yourself... but nothing could for-"

'Uh... what are you doing?'

The tone had been so casual, so honestly confused and conversational, that it briefly snapped him from his terror.

"...I'm interrogating him. Obviously. Fucking... obviously!"

'...Whyyyyy?'

The changeling switched, from dark, horrifying monster to exasperated questioning in seconds, yelling at someone just out of the scientists sight.

"Why the fuck do you think!? We need information!"

'Yeah, but... torture is one of the least effective ways of getting solid information, period. It only gives incentive to make him say what you want to hear so you stop, he has no incentive to tell the truth if he feels like you're not going to let him go because of it.'

"But that's what will work here!"

'Oh yeah? What if there's, like, an unavoidable trap, he can't tell you about it because you'd try to torture out how to get around it, but if he doesn't know he's screwed.'

"We need this information now!"

'Hence why you shouldn't be torturing him, since it's proven that any effective torture is breaking someone down over time.'

"So then what do you suppose we-"

And then, for the scientist, everything went dark.

The last thing he heard before his mind was alight with fire was a very 'I feel very stupid' sounding

"Oh."

And then it went black.

~~~

Seventy Seven watched as his fellow changeling stepped away from the now limp body, idly brushing his hooves as he went.

"...I could've done that."

[The fact you didn't is worrying me. Good work, Seven.]

His sister took her place next to him, watching alongside the one eyed changeling as flames enveloped him, and a replica of the scientist now stood before them.

'We've got an hour before his next shift starts. I've got the codes needed, I should be able to get past Hardwall without an issue.'

"Hardwall?"

'He's the head security guard. Nice guy, has a hot wife. Also, his kid's birthday is coming up, so if you see a tan pony with blue hair... er, try not to hit him too hard, that would be kind of a dick move.'

[A dick move is stealing one of our hive.]

'Yeah, no kidding, and WOW did this guy have some opinions on that. Apparently there's a betting pool to see when he gets dissected.'

"..."

'...inappropriate... but he's alive!'

Visibly, even the hardened soldier let out a sigh of relief.

"Did you deal with the security systems, sister?"

[Yes. As it turns out, the technology of this place are little match for our resident scientist alicorn... or the more biological ones, punches.]

'Soooo-'

[So now... begins the hard part.]

Solemnly, they all nodded.

'...So, seriously Seventy Seven, wha-'

"I forgot about the mind powers, okay!?"

'...Seriously?'

"SERIOUSLY!"

'I don't... how do you forget-'

"SHUT UP! THAT'S HOW!"

[Worry about that later. Wipe his mind, cover your tracks and lets get out.]

'...So am I the only one who noticed we just broke in, brainblasted this guy, got all his information, and now are about to leave without any sign we were here? He won't even remember this.'

"..."
[...]
'...'

"...maybe they've got a point when they call us really scary..."

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>AB
"2"
'SB'
[SL]
{???}
~~~

>Of course they're gone! WHY WOULDN'T THEY BE GONE!?

"Ah' dunno."

>...Thanks, Two, super helpful.

"Ah'm just bein' honest."

>Yer' bein' unhelpful!

'That's not what you said a second ago!'

>Sarcasm, Sweetie Belle!

'Stop that! It's confusing!'

"Yeah!"

'See? She agrees with me!'

[The kindergartener. Glad you have shorty on your side, I guess?]

'...Shut up!'

"Hey!"

*FWOOSH!*

"Now I'm all big, now who's short!?"

>...OH MAH GOSH!

"Uh... sorry, I didn't mean to-"

>YA'LL CAN LOOK LIKE AN ADULT!

"Y-...yeahhhh?"

[OHMIGOSH! Do you know what this means!?]

>AH' KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!

[DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!?]

'...what does this mean?'

>[...mwhahaha... mwahahah... AHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!]

"HAH!"

>[...]

"I wanted to laugh too..."

'...so, really, what does this mean?'

~~~

{And that's four for 'the scary thing under the bed', that it?}

"Yep! Thanks!"

{...Look, don't wanna tell you how to do your job babysitting, but are you sure that you should be bringing them in with you?}

>HEY BUSTER! WE'RE MATURE!

[SUPER MATURE!]

"Yeah!"

{Okay...}

~~~~

>AHHHHHHHH!

[AHHHHHHHHH!]

"THE HOOVE DO NOTHIN'! THEY AIN'T DOIN' NOTHIIIIIIIN! WHY DO I GOTTA HAVE HOLES!?"

'...The production values on this are really high...'

>["REGRET! REGREEEEEET!"]

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Luna
"Mayor Mare"
~~~~

>You know, we never did get a chance to really praise thou's town!

"Oh? Well, that's wonderful, but what are you praising it for?"

>Why, for being so progressive!

"...Oh, uh, sure, I guess we're pretty accepting?"

>Oh come now, no need to be so modest!

"I... I don't understand."

>Thou were elected, were you not?

"Yes?"

>Why, we think it just marvelous that they would elect one like you! Shows they do not care about the extraneous things.

"One like me?"

>Oh come now, do not make us say it.

"I'm totally lost here."

>You know... without the... or a...

"Are... are you saying it's impressive they hired a non-alicorn or pegasi for a higher position?"

>Thou said it, not me!

"..."

>But come on, ones of your...typing are rather rare in such positions, no?

"..."

>Not that WE have a problem with it obviously, we feel we share kinship with all types!... Some more than others, admittedly, but we nonetheless feel it!

"..."

>And we agree that just because it is the norm for political officials to have certain... abilities does not mean it's impossible for one to overcome them! Why, we find it even more impressive thou did with such a handicap!

"...Handicap."

>Oh, thou knows what we mean.

"No no, please, tell me."

>...

"..."

>...

"..."

>..A-hem... erm... perhaps our... praise did not come off as intended.

"No kidding."

>We... we merely wished to... to make it clear that...

"..."

>It's a good thing, really! We mean it in the best way!

"..."

>...SO! How about this weather, eh?

"As a politician, I can tell you that you need to work on saving face."

>In the olden times we would use lasers.

"..."

>...

"...Stop charging your horn. You can't shoot me."

>...We hate the future sometimes.

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>Celestia
"Big Mac'
~~~~~~

>...Sooo... just... sticking around until Applejack gets back?

"Eyyyyyup."

>...You don't talk much, do you?

"Nnnnnnope."

>...

"..."

>...This include a bunch of questions? None of that?

"..."

>...I think I like you better than the other one...

~~~

"Ah' do gotta question bout-"

ZAP!

>...I have no regrets...

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>Pommel
"Haymaker"
'Lucky'
-Guards-

'ATTENNNN-HUT!'

The ranks of guards stood at attention as their captain strode before them.

>At ease. Gentlecolts I don't think I need to tell you that there is a monster in our midst-

-Hey she's actually pretty ok, she's buds with the Princess now!-

>No not that one!

-Oh...dude I don't wanna go down the mountain again!-

>Not Chrysalis!

-...ohhhhh, that thing.-

>Yeah, that thing.

-It was just a bug?-

-Dude when was it EVER just something?-

-Point.-

>AHEM.

-...go on!-

>I have recently received some insight into the nature of this beast and have decided to personally oversee a joint operation with Princess Sparkle to neutralize this creature...when she gets back. Until then I require ten of you to enact my stopgap plan.

"Stopgap plan?"

>We are going to go down there with sandbags and heavy weaponry and hope to Faust on high that thing doesn't somehow print itself into existence before Princess Sparkle returns.

-...-

>Give me a better plan, I beg you.

------Not it!------

"Not-fuuuuck..."

'I volunteer, sir!'

>Excellent, the rest of you are to keep order in Canterlot and for the love of Celestia, do not take any Peacetrotters near the simulator! I don't know how this thing operates and that is the most horrible detail about it. Dismissed!

"...so..."

>Let's go get some machine guns and point them at some advance technology!

'Sir yes sir!'

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>AB
"2"
'SB'
[SL]
~~~

>Okay, that there was a bad idea and we can NEVER tell anyone about what we just did, agreed?

"Ya' sure? I'm pretty sure Shiny said when ya'-"

>NEVER.

'I thought it had some really cool special effect-'

>NEVER.

[...Wasn't that scary... I totally wasn't afraid-]

>NEVER!

[GAHHH!... I mean, HRR! Try that again and I will beat you in the face!]

>...Ignorin' that. So, we got us a one stop ticket ta' anythin' grown-up we wanna do, what next?

"Shiny says if people only like ya' cause o' yer powers they ain't yer' friends."

>S'okay, Ah'm still mad at ya' fer' tryin' ta' stick up fer' the bug monster, so Ah' don't like ya' causea that.

"Oh, okay, that makes sense."

[...OH! LETS GO ON A ROLLER COASTER!]

>That don't work, we're still too short.

'She could get on if she wanted.'

"AWESOME!"

>But WE couldn't, so who cares!

"I do..."

'OH OH OH! Let's go into that movie shop with the big XXX on top!'

[They don't let you in even if you're with an adult, I've checked.]

>...When did you...

[...]

>...Nevermind. So, what'dya wanna do?

'...Go down the big slide at the water park?'

"Uh... I can't swim."

>FRIGGEN!... FINE! Let's just go buy all the chocolate we want!

'Can't we do that anyway if we have money? Which we don't have anymore?'

>...Go kart racing?

[...Sure, let's go with that-

~~~~~

>Okay, so, we ain't allowed back there anymore, and nobody can ever know what we did.

'Shut up and help us dig! We need to bury the body faster!'

[Bury the CART FASTER! THE CART! Holy crap Sweetie Belle!]

'HE WAS REAL TO ME!'

"Uh... shouldn't we go say sorry to those guys we hit?"

>NO!

'NOBODY CAN EVER KNOW!'

[EVER!]

"...And Mom thinks Not-mom is a bad influence..."

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>Spike
"Twilight"
~~~~

>HRPMH!

"Really? You're going to complain about this, really."

>I should've been interrogating him. I'm good at that!

"I don't want you interrogating anyone anymore!"

>... hrmph.

"Stop pulling a DT on me."

>Whoa now! Let's not go crazy!

"..."

>...Promise me I'll get to shoot something?

"You know what? Sure. Sure you will."

>...I better.

"You've got problems."

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