We should start carrying around these,
Unwraps bandana, revealing that it is full of minion tic tacs and rocks,

My cat after i come home and immediately pick him up and swing him around calling him a fat little baby,
Thank you for that,

Horror game, out of nowhere, by the way, you hold shift to run,
Me, looking for whatever the frick prompted that info,

Suits are great, they’re intuxicating,
This is not your best,
I thought it was, suitable,

If you hold an empty gatorade bottle up to your ear you can hear the sports,

Please choose your style,
You can change this later,
It’s 2020, we did it, gender is out, style is in,
Can i get a yeehaw,

You got a yoshi egg,
I offered this yoshi a piece of fruit and it gave me its unborn child,

Excuse me officer, but i believe i have the constitutional right, to bear arms,

Chicken doesn’t need seasoning,
Amazing how he resisted the temptation to devour that sign long enough for this picture to be taken, given how much he loves the taste of cardboard,

Did march fricking happen,
March is fricking happening,
Lord almighty how’s it still march,
Despite everything, it’s still march,

I’m literally never going to get over the weird crap that lives in the ocean, like i understand that a lot of features evolved to detect light and potential threats but god bro did you really need to make your skull transparent,
You look like a spaceship,
I want to point out that those dots on the front of its face aren’t its eyes, the green orbs inside of its skull are,

Dudes in the 18th century would b like, if you don’t respond to my marriage proposal by next winter i’m going to enlist in the war and die,

Our biggest mistake was letting the one percent of germs live,
Our biggest mistake was letting the one percent live,

Let’s stop calling middle aged people that are sexist and racist traditional,

Your bed is probably as happy to see you as you are to see it, here comes the warmth slab it thinks,
Wrong it thinks, god hope this dipcrap doesn’t spill beans all over me again, who the frick eats beans in bed,
Stop reblogging this new year new me i haven’t spilled beans in bed once this year,
Uh oh,

Remember when there was a 7 mile spanking machine on spongebob and no one said anything about it ever,
Bring me the booty,

We really went from 20 gay teen to 20 biteen to 20 quarantine,
Fun fact, the word quarantine comes from quarantena, meaning forty days, used in 14th to 15th century venetian language, the period that all ships were required to be isolated before passengers and crew could go ashore during the black plague,
So 2020, or 20 plus 20 equals quarantine,
Dang it, we should’ve seen this coming,
Well you know what they say about hindsight,
It’s quarantine,

Oh i am so genius,
I filled this sugar container with gatorade powder so i can pour it in bottles easier than the scoop,
Hal why must you do these things,
Sounds like someone’s been drinking hatorade,
I poured gatorade into my coffee,

Your dongs lookin a little al dente there pal,
This literally reads like letterkenny dialogue,

I remember the first time i tried drying catnip in the food dehydrator, and accidentally invented a cat vape station,
Came home to all three of them, only had three at the time, literally laying on/around the dehydrator stoned out of their little kitty minds,

Wow, who taught you to do your makeup like that,
Youtube,
Wow, who taught you how to make that,
Youtube,
Wow, who taught you,
Youtube,
Why do you know so much about sex,
Tumblr,
Why are you so calm about porn,
Tumblr,
Why do you know so much about murdering people,
Tumblr,

What if an ouija board was like an afterlife call center,
Hey joey, line 396 is open, three teenagers in the dark want to talk to some ghost or something,
I’m gonna prank them so hard,
Joey no,
I’m gonna say i’m satan,
Joey this is why they made a crappy movie about us,

Nooo don’t express serious emotions you’ve been designated the funny one aha,
No don’t exist in a way that contradicts the one-dimensional version of you i’ve created in my head you’re so convenient aha,

You are so sexy can i do your taxes for you,
Tom nook asmr,
Who’s tom nook, a delicious little bimbo looking for a wild ride, direct message me,

Filmmakers before you make a movie with an ambiguous ending please consider, i like to know things,

Talk less, mackle more,
In seattle we have a saying, and it goes like this,

Defibrillation, biological equivalent of a hard reboot,
Have you tried turning it off and back on again,

Not gonna lie it’s kinda difficult to be the moody and mysterious background character in everyone’s life when your quarantined at home,

Me as a horse,
Okay i know it’s beautiful, i know, but here’s the thing, it’s a trap,
Because there’s almost definitely like a 600% a kelpie, and if you touch it it will drag you into a river and eat you,

Why are these so many different kinds of pasta,
If i had a penne for every time i’ve asked myself that same question,
You didn’t just do that,

Petition to rename covid-19 to covid 19-20,
I don’t want my kids to think i dragged my 2019 problems to 2020,

Today i learned that only 20 people have been boiled alive in yellowstone national park,
But with your help, we can change that,
For just a small monthly donation, you can help us sacrifice a tourist to old faithful every single day,

I love that mayhem is a legal term, like you can be charged with mayhem, it’s like arresting someone for funny business,
The jury finds the defendant guilty on all accounts of tomfoolery, japing and generally taking the piss,
Causing a ruckus,
My client pleads not guilty on three charges of being back on his bullcrap,

What’s the spot on the worm that’s not like the rest of the worm,
The spot that looks like someone put a bandaid on the worm,
You know the worm bandaid,
Why doesn’t google understand what i want,
It’s a clitellum people,
Worm clit worm clit worm clit worm clit,

Be handed a letter by your maid, break the wax seal, read it with dawning understanding and then slowly look up into the middle distance with an ominous smirk,
Order your carriage to be prepared at once,
Me getting a text and calling a lyft,

Today i learned that when a domestic pig gets out into the wild, it will revert to a wild state in a matter of months, growing tusks, a hairy coat and becoming more aggressive,
Disappears into the wild and reverts into a great ape,
Are you saying humans are domestic apes,
Are we not,
Bigfoot is just a man who made a choice,

All those posts like don’t give yourself bangs during quarantine, don’t dye your hair, don’t shave your head, are honestly bullcrap this is the perfect time you’re literally not allowed to leave the house for god knows how long do something crazy who gives a frick,

You’re telling me there are people who listen to music and don’t use it as the soundtrack for the intense cinematic daydream plot they’ve always got playing in the back of their head,

Doesn’t show affection, oh no, i’m making things awkward,
Shows affection, oh no, i’m making things awkward,
Exists, oh no, i’m making things awkward,

Des,
Pa,
Sea toad,

Famous person, succ, several thousand notes,
Me, handcrafted meme made by traditional techniques and hardwoods from sustainable forest resources, 2 notes,

April first,
Bing, all day,
Don’t forget guys, for april fools day we all gotta google bing and make it the number one searched word,

Scientists are trying to put neanderthal brains into robots,
A u s scientific study is trying to find out why neanderthals went extinct,
Literally nothing can go wrong with this plan,
Do it do it do it do it do it,
I r l grugposting soon,
Ooga booga wav,
Preallocating rock space,
Wall mate jpg loaded,
Club gif installing, 100%,
Initiating social protocol 023, please wait,
oog,

Bro quit shielding me from danger with your body you’re going to make the audience think we’re gay,
Bro i’m serious stop pushing me up against the wall when you confront me about how reckless and foolish i am don’t you realize how homoerotic that looks,
No bro don’t offer to follow me wherever i may go even to the ends of the earth that’s so gay haha,

You are not immune,
Stay inside,

I d k which plague doctor needs to hear this but no matter what anyone says, your knowledge of herbs is immense and your beak is huge,

Old town road is now legally a gay anthem,
Saddle up homos we got a war to win,

The image george washington welcomes abraham lincoln into heaven is so homosexual,

We asked comic artists about their weirdest drawing requests,
You’ll always miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,
Wayne gretzky,
Why would you do this to my eyes,

My friends and i had a prison-esque, what are you gonna do when you get out, conversation about when quarantine is lifted, mine is going to this fabulous club in boston that has salsa dancing and the best margaritas in the state, tell me yours in the tags,

Everyday i wake up and plan on doing things but then i just,

You’ve heard of press f to pay respects, now get ready for,
Please press o to spend time with the boys,
Never seen a button prompt in a video game that asked so politely,
I think i will press o to spend time with the boys, thank you very much,

Today i learned thomas jefferson had a shetland sheep that he kept on the white house lawn described as this abominable animal,
It would attack people who took shortcuts across the lawn, injuring a few people and killing a small boy,
They just let any crap happen back then huh,
Lin manuel miranda’s a coward for not showing this in hamilton,

Did wash your dong today,

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9,
The odds were against me,

Why do shoemakers go to heaven,
Because they have good soles