1-06 Silhouette

	Lower than sixty beats per minute, higher than one hundred.

	My hand brushes over the diagram of an irregular heart-beat. I've read through the book twice now, and I still haven't found my answer. With a groan, I rest my weary head on my desk, pushing aside the books for now. To find the answer, I suppose I would need to find my question first. Yet it's there, fuzzy in the back of my cluttered mind.

	Lower than sixty beats per minute, higher than one hundred. To cause an arrhythmia, the heart must be beating uncommonly fast, or uncommonly slow. The doctors tell me that mine beats too fast, but when I put my hand against my heart I can barely feel it all. Rolling my head over to the side, I study the spines of the pile of medical journals and studies I've been torturing myself with. There must be something in one of these, some trick I don't know yet. Something that will make me feel normal again.

	The world stubbornly continued to spin while I was reading, however, and I see that it's now late afternoon. Time enough to drive myself mad over this after tea. My legs, stiff after hours of reading, complain as I force myself to my feet. Truth be told,  I can't say I'm not a little excited despite myself. I can't remember the last time I went out with friends, even if it's just the Shanghai. Dragging myself over to the mirror, I see that my late night reading has caught up with me. My skin's paler than usual, and bags are appearing under my eyes. On most days, this wouldn't concern me, but I think etiquette dictates that I should try to look at least presentable.

	I muss with my hair while I pull open the drawer, revealing the make-up kit Saki bought me for my last birthday. Studying the various palettes and tubes, I feel suddenly less confident I remember how to use any of this stuff, and settle for something simple. Once I'm satisfied I look like a member of the living, I walk over to my closet and select my favourite coat. Despite the season, there's still a bite to the air this late in the day. Pulling the pale grey sleeves over my uniform, I throw my backpack around me and slide out the door into the hall. The halls are noisy with the din of students coming and going from their dorms, chatting about whatever it is people chat about after class. I spot Molly and Saki lying on the floor, facing away from me through Saki's open door, pouring over a magazine.

	'And just where are you off to, Rika?' Saki idly asks, without lifting her head from the colourful pages of the latest gossip.

	'I will never understand how you do that.' I reply, leaning against her door-frame.

	'She's psychic, I swear.' Molly chimes in, turning to beam up at me.

	'You didn't answer my question.' Saki tunefully says, leaning up to her knees.

	'I'm going out.' I respond, with a little hesitation.

	'Out where?' She sings again, 'You know you're not going anywhere until you tell me, so why drag this on?' She smiles, eyes burning with curiosity. Or maybe malice. One can never tell.

	'Tea.' I offer, trying to dodge the real question.

	'With?' She asks again, eyes drilling into me. But there it is.

	Matching her stare for a while, I eventually concede and sigh, '... Nakai.' Saki jumps to her feet and squeals with delight, rushing over to me, but I anticipated this and managed to close the door between us in time. It'd be pointless to tell her Lilly's coming along as well.

	'You'll have to tell me the details sooner or later!' Saki yells, her voice muffled by the door I'm struggling to keep closed.

	'We'll see!' I yell back through the door. Taking my chance when she seems to have given up trying the door, I rush through the hall and down the stairs. With a glance over my shoulder, I can dare to hope I'm in the clear. That's good, can't have anyone telling on me, I'm sure I'd get in trouble for feeding it, even if it's not technically a pet. Instead of going through the main doors, I sneak out the side door through the kitchenette on the ground floor, where I'm greeted by an excited meow. Kneeling down, I pat the ginger cat with one hand while I pull the tin of food from my bag. 'Now say please.' I tell the cat, standing up with the tin in my hand.

	'Meow!' The shaggy stray responds.

	'Close enough.' I shrug while I set the tin down for the cat to eat. Rubbing its head a few times, I set off for the main gate. I feel reassured in my decision to bring a coat as the wind kicks up through the trees, swaying my braid over my shoulder. The clouds overhead don't look promising, either. To counter it, I huddle deeper in my coat, drawing the sides closer together and folding my arms against the cold. It couldn't have been at least a warm day, could it?

	I close my eyes and see myself in that hallway again. Nakai standing with his bracelet in his hand, looking confused. I can feel the blood rushing to my face as I snatched it from his hand and ran down the hall. Far from my most graceful moment, but I never claimed to work well under pressure. After that, I'd sat in the courtyard staring at it, wondering how I was going to explain what happened and return it. Even now, I have no idea what came over me yesterday. I'm not usually one to panic. Looking up ahead, I see Lilly standing beside the gate, tapping her foot and humming some tune.

	She looks my way at the sound of my footsteps and I call out out to her, 'Hey Lilly! What are you humming?' There's a hint of a smile at the corners of her mouth as I draw up beside her.

	'Just a piece I'm fond of. Ready to depart?' Lilly replies, indicating towards the road with her cane. I can't help but notice Nakai isn't here.

	'Of course. Is Nakai not coming?' I ask, looking around as we begin to head off.

	'Hisao offered to go ahead earlier to save us a table.' She explains as we round the corner to the main road. Strange, the Shanghai is hardly busy even during lunch, I can't imagine it being crowded at this hour. I keep my questions to myself, however, and enjoy the walk. Despite the wind and the cold, the afternoon is pleasant with the first hues of orange appearing over the hills as the day fades into the still of the evening. Lilly smiles contentedly despite missing the views, assumingly simply listening to birds nesting and the smell of flowers on the wind.

	It's times like this that the world feels at peace, and I can let my disjointed and distracting thoughts sink down somewhere where I can forget them for a while. The road inclines down as we get closer to the town and the day gets a little darker as we descend down towards the Shanghai. Towards Nakai, waiting for us.

	I chew on my lip as the thought shatters the temporary peace of mind I had. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe I could have just given the bracelet to Lilly to give to him and pretended I never met him and this mess never happened, but that feels wrong. No, I need to try and get rid of these anxieties that bubble up in my chest every time I see him. If that means forcing myself through this evening, I'll do it. Anything to feel like myself again.

	'You're being terribly quiet today.' Lilly pipes up, turning to face me. She isn't hiding the concern from her voice very well.

	'I'm just thinking.' I tell her, brushing it off.

	'You've been "just thinking" a lot recently.' She counters. I hesitate before answering.

	'...I've had a lot to think about recently,' I frown, 'just haven't been thinking clearly, is the problem.'

	'Perhaps something changed recently?' Lilly asks, smiling a knowing smile. Am I that transparent?

	'Something has. A few things have. Normally I'm fairly good at rolling with punches as they come, but this has been something of a haymaker.'

	'I understand. It's alright to feel vulnerable, you know.'

	'Have you felt vulnerable?' She simply smiles in response.

	'It sounds like we're here.' True enough, I hear the chatter of the town. I hadn't even noticed. People are still passing through the streets at this time, and the streetlights flicker into life as we pass under. Just across the street, the Shanghai's lanterns are lit as well.

	The bell above the door chimes happily when we walk in, and I scan the room before seeing Nakai sitting in a booth by himself, nursing a steaming mug. He's easy to spot as the Shanghai is as empty as I thought it'd be. I point him out to Lilly and she leads the way over to him.

	'Good evening, Hisao.' She greets him as she guides herself into her seat, with myself choosing the seat beside her rather than beside Nakai.

	'Oh, is it evening already?' He glances out the window, confirming his suspicions before turning back to us, 'well, good evening then, Lilly. Rika.' Nakai nods to us each in turn. Yuuko appears beside our table, struggling to balance a teetering tower of dishes against her chest while she holds out a notebook and a pen.

	'Welcome to the Shanghai! Can I--oh! Lilly! Rika! Hisao!' She almost drops everything she's so precariously holding in shock before somehow managing to regain her composure, 'c-can I take your order?'

	'I believe tea will do us for now, thank you Yuuko. Is that alright with everyone?'

	'It should be fine.' I respond.

	'Yeah.' Nakai says as well, despite the mug of what I now see is coffee in his hand.

	'We'll order our food when you're a little less over-encumbered. Thank you.' Lilly nods towards Yuuko, who nods frantically, seemingly in appreciation, then scurries off to the kitchen. Alright, here we go.

	'How have you been, Nakai?' I politely enquire, slipping my coat off. He seems taken aback for a moment.

	'I've been... good.' Not much to go off of there, but I ford on regardless.

	'That's good to hear. Are you settled in at class?' That's a question people ask new people all the time.

	'Well, it's been different. Life at Yamaku isn't what I'm used to.' He begrudgingly returns.

	Lilly folds her hands in front of herself and nods. 'It most certainly can be a bit of a culture shock, but you'll find the students the people you'd find at any other school, once you get to know them. Not everyone is as strange as Rika.' She giggles fiendishly.

	'You're cruel, Lilly.' I pout. With a clatter, Yuuko appears with the tea, setting three cups down. She hurries off again before we can thank her. I reach for the teapot first, filling my cup, then Lilly and Nakai's. He looks uncomfortable at the gesture. Throw me a bone, Nakai, please, this isn't easy for me either.

	'Oh, if you could excuse me, I must ask Yuuko something before I forget.' Lilly suddenly claims, smiling at me. Oh Lilly, you truly are cruel, I think to myself as she wanders off towards the busied waitress.

	Stirring some milk into the cup, I regret not asking for a different blend, but I can live with English Breakfast. Taking a long sip, I shut my eyes. No time like the present.

	Setting the mug down, I turn to Nakai. 'Hey, remember your bracelet? You left it at the hospital! Funny, right?'

	'I... I guess.' Nakai looks increasingly more uncomfortable by the minute. He clearly hasn't forgotten yesterday any more than I have. Regardless, I rummage through my bag for it and hand it to him. 'Thanks.' He looks down at it. 'Uh, Rika...'

	'Yes?' I say, trying to smile away the sudden urge to flee out of the room.

	'... Nevermind. How's the tea?' He slowly finishes.

	'Pardon?'

	'The tea. You like tea. Dirty leaf water, right?' Nakai offers, forcing his own smile.

	'Oh. Oh! Yes, tea, no, this isn't my favourite blend. I mean, I don't hate it or anything, it's just not in my top ten.' I rush out in a string of what is the equivalent of word vomit.

	'You have a top ten?' He smiles again, a little more genuinely. The blood rushes to my cheeks.

	'Yes, no, yes, but I mean, I don't have it like written down or anything.' I stammer out again. Nakai laughs. I laugh too.

	'I didn't think there was even that many kinds. Do you just drink tea in your free time?'

	'No, I do other things sometimes.' Come on Rika, you do other things, think, think! 'History! I like to study history.' Oh God, you sound like the most tedious person on Earth.

	'History? I read some history books. Or, I read some history books, past tense. I've been reading fiction mostly since I got here.' He replies, despite how terribly boring I think I sound.

	'I read a lot of fiction too, I really like sci-fi. But uh, I've been thinking of taking up a club or something.' I chatter back, sounding surprisingly excited.

	'Me too. There's these girls in my class who are trying to get me to join the student council, but I don't think doing paperwork is much of a hobby.' We both laugh again at that. Lilly returns, apparently done with her discussion. She slides back into the booth, beaming at me.

	'You two seem to be having a good time without me.' She says, feigning a pouty frown. With a nervous chuckle, I take another sip of tea. Lilly's right, this isn't so bad. Even so, something still feels... off. Before I can worry about it, Yuuko reappears with three delicious looking cakes. She sets the French vanilla slice before Lilly, the caramel tart before me and the scone before Nakai.

	Nakai glances at her suspiciously. 'Lilly...?'

	'I'm afraid I took the liberty of ordering while you two were chatting away.' She smiles, innocently.

	I don't bother to question that Lilly remembered the same thing I ordered when I met her, and I'm sure it's the same case for Nakai as he breaks some of the scone off to dip in his tea. We sit in silence as everyone enjoys their tea, but it's not the same palpable awkward silence that was evident last time we had tea together. As I munch away on my tart, I can't get my mind away from that one niggling worry, like a dog stuck on a leash. Sneaking a glance up at Nakai, I can't tell if he has the same feeling.

	The feeling rises up and I do my best to ignore it. Chewing my lip again, I stare down into my tea. Seeing the worry evident on my face in my reflection, I quickly draw the cup to my mouth and try to wash away the anxiety with English Breakfast, but it's too late, Nakai noticed and he's frowning at me.

	'E-excuse me, Nakai, Lilly, I need to go get some fresh air.' I mumble, throwing my coat on and half-running towards the door. I don't look back to see their faces and throw the door open. Rain, it's raining outside. I can feel myself tremble as I slide down the wall, well away from the window. Everything was going so well.

	I lean my head against the bricks and stare up into the rain. My mind feels like it's going fast and slow at the same time. Lower than sixty beats per minute, higher than one hundred, right. I wonder if it's fast or slow now? Feeling my heart, it gives out the same weak response as it usually does. Useless thing.

	The bell chimes again and I see Lilly wander out of the Shanghai, stopping to look up as she feels the rain. Despite it, she turns her head around, helplessly searching for me.

	'... I'm over here.' I can't stand to look at her so helpless, no matter how much I want to be alone. Lilly darts her head over to the sound and rushes over to me, tapping me in the leg with her cane.

	'Rika? Why are you on the ground? Are you okay? It's raining, aren't you cold?' Lilly ushers out a torrent of questions to rival the torrent of rain pounding down on me. Through raindrops and tears, I look up at her, her meticulously neatened hair hanging limp over hair face. Damn it.

	'I'm okay. I just... I'm sorry. You should go inside. I'll be fine.' I lie through my teeth, and Lilly's frown deepens.

	'Rika...'

	'No, Lilly. You're getting soaked. Go back inside and enjoy your tea with Nakai, I'll head back, don't worry.' I cut her off, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. She stands frozen, deciding what to do.

	'Wait here.' She decides, hurrying off back inside. I don't think I'm going anywhere.

	Lilly returns shortly, producing a bright yellow umbrella. 'At least take this.' I stare at it for a while, the clouded over sun blurred through the yellow plastic. Reaching up for it, I push myself to my feet and hold the umbrella over the two of us.

	'Hisao will worry about you, do you want me to tell him you felt sick?' She asks, as the rain thunders against the umbrella above us.

	'That would be lovely,' I don't think for a second he'll buy it, but it's something, 'thank you, Lilly. I'll be fine.' Lilly frowns again and rests her hand on my shoulder.

	'Everyone feels like they don't have total control sometimes. It's normal.' She sadly says, staring into my eyes with her own empty pale ones. I can't manage an answer and she walks off back inside, leaving me standing in the rain with the yellow umbrella.

	I look back towards Yamaku, the lights of the school a haze of yellow in the hills beyond the town through the rain. If it's normal, why do I feel so strange?