I'm drunk
Graham was sad tonight and I sent him a pic of a dog and he started crying
I want to write a story about every good person in my life
Every person in my life regardless of goodness
I passed by a coal mine in the Rockies and a cemetery for men who had died in an accident. I want to remember them, their final moments, their wives and kids in the years that followed
And the roadside crosses if everyone who died in an accident and the lives they lived in the moments leading up to them
I want the universe to remember them
It's a story also about Corinne who cried yesterday in the car after Anna told her about how many people have worse lives because of social workers leaving them
Corinne who cried under anesthesia after her surgery for everyone she couldn't help because she was just one person
And when she came to Gordon one aftenoon with her client I felt like no matter where she went in the work she would bring her love and kindness with her
And here's a story about Mel who grew up abused but told us she was scared people would pity her if she showed us her autobiography, who had traveled the world, who is kinder and stronger than anyone
Fuck I hit enter on accident
Delete message
But Mel. I'm in love with her now. In RVA she woke people up with massages every morning. She's small and fierce and unstoppable and everyone should be in awe of how strong she is and yet how kind.
She's dating Arthur, ESTP with ADHD, who also had a rough childhood, and I want them to find something in each other that makes them feel safe
And in Germany he took care of her when she came back drunk every night
And he's abrasive but sad when he offends people
And there is something so pure and soft about him despite his sharpness
And Giulio who loves me, who sent me a letter this morning telling me about how at first he wanted to stand at the peripheries of my life but found himself getting drawn in, falling in love
And Graham, a sad boy who tries harder than anyone I know to live, and when I think of "sing a song of how they tried" I think of him
I love Graham
And JC who is kind and stable and safe and when I am sad he is there waiting
I fear I am not doing anyone justice
And I wanted to write when I was more drunk
And let me talk about the roads we traveled on, and the nights, and the restaurants and all the people in them
And the Chipmunks and crows
And I feel like the world is such that anything short of hushed reverence laying at its feet in worship is not doing it justice
Here is a boy who wanted through it all like a ghost and sometimes because of ADHD he is not able to give things the proper reverence
But in moments he catches a glimpse of perfection and eternity through its cracks
And here is a story of how he tries to become someone who passes through these cracks into perfect reverence and awe
And Cam was in live with Mel too, and he confessed to her and told her all the ways he could treat her better than Arthur, and he was maybe shitty and entitled but there is still a beauty to what he saw in her that moved him to say this
Here is a story of late at night in a yurt owned by a man who went to RVA where Mel went, and still has so much pain left over from it
A school where 20% of attendees were sexually abused
And there are dogs outside
And I am drunk
And there is a bag of ketamine in Josh Ott's bag waiting
And everything is holy
And dear God
Let me worship it all
Let me serve it all
All the people who aren't happy but find moments of beauty in between the sad and find refuge in each other
Let my life be a song of how they tried
Dear God I am drunk and I love you
Amen