Anon souls (Updated 7/24/14)

>You rise from the bonfire, using your sword to help you up
Twenty Seven....
>Twenty Seven times you have died to this giant Demon and his fucking greathammer
>You were the Chosen Undead, previously Anon
>And you just about now you were seriously regretting your previous decision to come to this world
>A magical wizard had asked you to choose one video-game world to live in one night while you browsed /v/
>You jokingly said "Dark souls, faggot, lets go."
>Much to your terror, when you woke up you heard the sounds of a small cracking fire, acompanied by some tranquil music coming from seemingly nowhere
>You had progressed fairly well on your own, only dying a few times in the starting area
>Bosses worked differently now, you actually had to attack them in their weak points to even do anything
>No health bar, no phases, only cut tendons and stabbed eye-balls
>Honestly that was one of the only things you had going for you
>Enemies were just as stupid, and you were a lot more nimble and could move in ways you couldn't in the game
>Hell, you could skip most of the game by jumping a few figurative fences
>That didn't make this world any less shit though
>The only upside to this whole thing was being out of your dysfunctional home
>You could go on and on about that pla-
>You were just stabbed
>In the back
>With a very, very large sword
>As your mouth opens wide in a silent scream, you slowly turn your head
>Your attacker predicts this, slowly lowering his head to meet yours
>He gently caresses the side of your head before speaking into your ears
>"Wat r u.....casul?"

>Yes in fact, you were a fucking casual
>The world may be different, but the pain was not
>Tears form in the corner of your eyes
>You know you're going to wake up by a bonfire, but that doesn't make the gripping fear of death loom over you any less
>Your attacker plants his boot firmly on your hack and pulls you off of his sword
>"Lel scrub, didnt eben hav 2 us any weed"
>The last thing you hear before you die is the sound of heavy armor loudly clanking as your assailant does flips around your dying form
>Everything goes black
>The light you have grown accustom to glows in the distance, providing a wayward soul with a beacon in this lonely place
>You begin power-walking your way over to the bonfire, careful not to tire yourself out
>You're about halfway to the bonfire when you're thrown back by a powerfull explosion
>You land hard on your back, jamming your shield into your shoulders
>After a short recovery period, you push yourself up with one arm and look around
Nonononono NO FUCK!
>The bonfire was gone, nothing but darkness surrounded you
>You were stuck here, between lives
>In the goey pitch black embrace of death
>Fuck.
>You lower your head, staring at your gauntlets
>elites, none of that casul babby shit everyone else wore
>Just then, you hear a crackle
>You look up, eager for a way to escape this hell
>You got it, in front of you is a new bonfire
>You say "New" because you have never seen anything like it
>Instead of the normal sword, there was a golden scepter with a smiling unicorn atop
>You had seen images of it posted before, but didn't know exactly what it was
>The flame that licked around the weapon a brilliant rainbw of colors
>Before you can consider what may be on the other side, you jump into the bonfire, clasping the scepter for dear life as it whisks you away

>You feel surprisingly weightless as the strange bonfire does its job
>This is surprising because normally these little "trips" are turbulent as hell and if you lost your grip, you were liable to fly a few hundred feet in any direction upon your exit
>This almost always led to another unfortunate death, except the one time you had slammed directly into four hollows
>That was a wild day
>You shake your head and return to the present
>Weightlessness was different
>And you HATED when things were different, especially in a world where different often meant eviceration
>Though this change seemed benign enough, you could get used to this if you had to
>Yeah, you totally could
>This felt awesome
>Instead of the feeling of sand rushing over your entire body, you felt what you could describe as a torrent of tiny bubbles softly moving against your flesh
>You would say warm water, but you had come to learn that water was ANYTHING but gentle
>Having your arm dislocated by a water jet had completely turned you off of anything water related
>What little force being put on your body sbegins to diminish, slowly lowering you
>Your eyes fill with color, a bright explosion akin to that of a pastel painting being slammed into your corneas
>You release your hand from the scepter and look around
>Burning wood and furniture litter the area around the bonfire as well wooden shrapnel dispersed around the area
>You look down at the "Bonfire"
>The stupid looking scepter glared back at you as you did so
>You lower your eyes to the flames, a literal rainbow licking against the bright yellow metal of the scepter
>The base was composed of various books, all open with pages rapidly turning
>No scorch marks can be seen, though one of the books looks very old and delicate, a lifetime of obvious wear and tear burdening it
>You reach out to touch the book, slowly inching your way over
>Just as you reach the book, you hear voices
>"-ow I understand what your fellow princesses have done"

>This is the first time you have heard a sane voice in nearly two weeks
>You jump up and turn around, eager to meet the owner of the voice
>Just as you manage to climb over a ruined sofa, reaching the edge of the burnt-out tree, an explosion rings out
>Then another
>And another
>You flip down your visor and frantically paw for your weapons, eventually grasping your sword with both hands
>Normally you would go for your shield, but you weren't going to be able to stop an explosion with it
>Only chance was to kill whatever was making the explosions as quickly as possible
>You lean around the corner, getting a nice look at the battlefield
>The first thing that catches your eye is the gigantic centaur thing, he had red skin and they most homosexual looking vest you had ever seen
>After a quick study you memorize his weaknesses, nothing
>He was big enough for his tendons to be as large as your midsection, meaning you would have to hack away at them for a couple seconds before hoping to disable a leg
>This wouldn't be a problem if he didn't have four legs
>You could try to sever an artery, but that would most likely just piss it off while it killed you
>You move on to the rest of the scene
>A small town burned around you, nothing out of the ordinary there
>You aimlessly spy around until you spot six floating bubbles, light blue and very transparent
>Five of them were filled with some kind of horse creatures, they seemed pretty familiar but you couldn't tell what they were off of the top of your head
>The other one had a dragon or something, mismatched body parts made you want to call it a chimera, but that was more of a general thing than an actual animal
>You're about to step out from your cover when a purple beam hits the giant centaur
>You look at the source, a small blue unicorn/pegasus creature with a mean look on it's face

>Honestly you have no idea whats going on here, that centaur could be completely innocent and-
>Nah, red skin, red magic, giant thing
>That guy was evil, probably a rapist too
>You decide the best thing to do in this situation is to slowly slink away before you get pulled into a fight you didn't need to be in
>Leaving the safety of the bonfire tree, you hop from cover to cover, trying to reach a small cluster of buildings before you're seen
>You're feet away from the safety of the buildings....just a few more feet....
>"HEY, YOU!"
>Fuck.
>You turn your head, putting on your biggest "I'm cool" smile
>Then you remember your visor is down
>You flip it up and continue your charms
>"I don't know what you are or where you came from, but you have to help!"
>It was scratchy and tom-boyish
>Your eyes dart from each of the bubbles, eventually finding your discoverer
>The voice belonged to a columbia blue pony with a rainbow mane, pressed up against the bubble wall trying to get your attention
>Why you knew that color you did not know, but damn did knowing it make you feel dirty
Help with WHAT? That purple horse thing seems to have it all figured out.
>You point to the purple thing, just in time to catch her being thrown at a mountain a few miles away
>Your finger droops
>"Her name is twilight, and she does NOT have it 'All figured out', You need to help her! You're wearing armor, you must have SOME combat training!"
>The lesbian pegasus had a point, you were a pretty badass swordsman
>But only against things your own size, anything a few feet taller and you and that shit went right out the window

>Come to think of it, nothing was going to stop you from just walking away if you decided to
>Yeah that was a good idea
>As you ponder what to do, the horse named "Twilight" teleports back to the fight, no sign of injury on her
>But then again, you DID need to learn some more soul sorcery
>And that "Twilight" seemed to be pretty good with magic, she just teleported like 5 miles without breaking a sweat
>You could provide some backup for her, even if you were just a distraction
>You raise your head back to the bubbles, all of their occupants were now looking at you
>A couple of them were crying, namely the yellow one and the white one
>You couldn't just leave them like this, they were too goddamn adorable
>Anything less than laying down your life would tarnish your moral code
>After all, you were a white knight
>A warrior sworn to protect those who were weak, and to kill those who had stuff you wanted
>It was a loose code, but that just made things more interesting
>You raise your weapon and walk towards the bubbles
>"Alright, you're gonna help?! Best. Guard. Ever!"
>You briskly walk past the smiling pegasus, turning as you do so
I'm not a guard you know
>She scoffs
>"Oh yeah? Then what are you?"
>You ponder what to say for a moment, giving you a dramatic silence to punctuate your badass line
You can just call me
>You flip down your visor, increasing your badass meter by at least 75%
Chosen undead.

>You raise your weapon across your  midsection and run towards the fray
>The purple horse hears your charge and turns to you, confused
>At this exact moment, you feel something
>Like what you just did completely changed this universe and the outcome of this battle
>A divergence you only felt when you killed an un-hollowed undead in your own world
>But it was never this deep, this profound
>Your heart skips a beat
>You may have just royally fucked up here
>But there was no way to go back, you had to at least try to un-fuck this situation
>The giant centaur laughs
>"A trained monkey? You ponies truly are despicable creatures."
>In the confusion, he manages to grab Twilight
>His hand grasps her neck, choking the life from her
>You feel a twinge of pleasure from seeing this, you have no idea why
>You shake your head and weigh your options
>You could let her save herself and try to go for the monster's midsection
>Or you could hit one of his legs and hopefully, get him to drop her
>Decisions decisions...
>If she does die, you won't get any of that sweet magic she has, which is like half the reason you even came into this fight
>You make your decision, adjusting your path to intersect his leg
>He continues laughing as he tightens his grip


>Before he finishes laughing you reach his front right leg
>You throw yourself into the swing, hoping to at least impede his movement
>You brace for an impact that never comes
>Seriously? How did you miss that gigantic tree-stump of a leg?!
>You turn around and look at the leg, sure enough no visible damage other than a few falling hairs
>You steady yourself, readying your sword for another go
>Then a spurt of blood hits you right in the face
>The leg visible shifts, revealing the wound
>A clean cut, all the way through the sinew and flesh
>You had expected to hit the bone, but this was fine too
>A thundering yell, and the sound of a teleportation
>The creature disappears from above you, teleporting a few hundred yards away
>He raises his leg to study it, the cut is leaking blood like no tomorrow
>Curses can be heard as he envelopes the wound in magic
>The flow stops and the leg stops slumping
>Fucking healing magic
>He's going to be PISSED, you need a plan
>Twilight runs over to you and begins speaking
>"I don't know who or what you are, but thank you for distracting me and nearly getting me killed!"
>What a total bitch, you should have let her choke
Y-yeah but i-
>"BUT....you did save me so you might be useful...try to stay behind me and do what you can to distract him"
>Smooth one, anon
>You're getting the horsepussy for sure when this is over

>The giant douche teleports back, and you had guessed right
>He was royally pissed
>Apparently having his feet nearly hacked off was his trigger
>"YOU SNIVELING LITTLE APE! YOUR DEATH SHALL BE SLOW AND-"
>Wow an evil monologue?
Jesus Christ just shut the fuck up!
>He looks confused
>"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME YOU INSIGNIFICANT APE?"
>This was going to be a great distraction
I said to SHUT THE FUCK UP, you fucking freak, I'm TRYING to think here.
>"AND WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WOULD THINK ABOUT? LAST WORDS? BANANAS?"
>You laugh before you speak
Nah, I'm trying to decide on how to get my billfold off of your mother's nightstand without her catching me....
>"WHAT IDIOCY IS THIS? WHY WOULD MY MOTHER HAVE YOUR...WHATEVER IT WAS?"
>You try to look deep in thought, eventually breaking the illusion to answer
Oh that. Well I kinda forgot to grab it when I was putting my pants back on. You know....after I fucked her.
>That got him, he flies into a rage, charging directly at you
>"YOU WILL DIE FOR THOSE WORDS, INSOLENT WORM"
Come at me, casual.
>You dodge-roll away, a whoosh of air blows past you as you narrowly avoid the pissed off centaur
>Getting up you turn and look in the direction he headed
>Before you can make out what you see, a grip on your neck causes you to raise into the air
>He was more nimble than he looked
>This was going to hurt...a lot...

>He raises you to eye level before speaking
>"YOU'RE NOT SO FUNNY NOW, ARE YOU, WORM?"
>You gasp out a reply
Y-your mom thought I was hilarious...
>The grip he has on you tightens
>"ANY LAST WORDS BEFORE I END YOUR WRETCHED EXISTENCE?"
>You're about to make another lame "Your mom" joke when you see the bubbles behind the centaurs shoulder
>They looked terrified
>You were no stranger to death, you welcomed it with open arms many times just to escape the pain of a few wounds
>But these creatures were not, they had a sense of innocence about them
>Except for that dragon thing, he just looked sad for himself
>You decide to be a decent person for once in your life
>You yell as loud as you can, which isn't as loud as you would like, what with the firm grip on your windpipe and all
You're all going to want to shut your eyes...
>The centaur laughs
>"WHAT A VALIANT KNIGHT, ALWAYS THINKING OF OTHERS. KILLING YOU IS GOING TO BE ENJOYABLE!"
>He flexes his wrist, shattering your spine and destroying your windpipe
>Struggling for air, he drops your limp form to the ground
>You land hard, your visor popping open as you hit the dirt
>You're facing the bubbles, all but one of the ponies is looking away
>The rainbow maned pony and the dragon watch you as you struggle for breath
>Tears form in the mare's eyes, the dragon just shakes his head
>You don't really feel any pain, your spine is thoroughly destroyed
>But you can feel your mind swim as it begs for air
>Involuntarily, your eyes fill with tears as you gasp, probably making it look like you're in a lot more pain that you really are
>As your vision fades to black you hear Twilight scream, then an explosion of light fills what little vision you have left
>As your eyes close and death takes you, you feel warmth on your shattered body

>As far as deaths go, that one wasn't so bad
>You didn't feel to much pain, it was fairly quick, and some...pony...was there to care about you dying
>Yeah, you could get used to that
>Your mind wanders as you drift through the blackness
>You had wanted to call it the river of death, but that was way to edgy, cringe factor 10
>Instead you just called it the lazy river
>Man you loved you some lazy river action...
>A bright light interrupts your water park fantasies
>There was NEVER light here, you weren't even sure what you saw coming from the bonfire could be called light
>Was more of an aura
>But this? This was light.
>Very bright light, almost as if you were floating into a sun...
>Shit
>You frantically begin "swimming" in the opposite direction, fearful of what this new change was to bring
ShitshitshitshitshitSHIT
>A presence envelopes your body, completely constricting you
>The flow speeds up, bringing you to what you assumed was going to be your actual death
>You had a good life, hell you've been alive for a couple hundred years at this point
>You relax your body
>Death sounded nice....
>You rapidly approach the light, your feet passing through
>You feel nothing on the other side
>Guess you were right then
>This was it

>The rest of you slowly drifts through, your velocity slowing to a snails pace
>This was pretty comfortable actually
>The light has reached your upper chest now, a warm ray of light hits your face
>You're about to sigh when you feel something on your not-so-disintegrated leg
>A powerful tug, and you fly through the gate of light
>You land on your stomach, jamming your armor and the hilt of your sword against your body
OW FUCK
>You curl up into the fetal position, ready to be killed once again
>Curse you, new experiences!
>But no blow comes
>You look around, confused
>A large crowd of very confused...creatures...look back at you
>You would say they were like the ponies from before, but some of them were more horse-like, and others were composites of different animals
>Namely, Griffins
>Man you hated fucking griffins
>Sharp claws, piercing shrieks, thick hide
>Fuck griffins
>These griffins seemed much different from the ones back "home", but you still didn't trust them
>Even if they were pretty cute
Err-wha-heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
>You jump to your feet and strike a pose

No need to fear, it is I, the Chosen Undead!
>The ponies cock their heads and look at you
>A yell from the back
>"Oh yeah? And I'm the selected zombie, what the hell do you think we care?"
>What a dick
>You push through the crowd, looking for the asshole who was about to be eating your sword
Hey FUCK you buddy, I'll kick your ass, come at me you-
>You find the culprit, a griffin about 3/4 your height, with brown fur and white feathers
>it also had purple highlights around its eyes
Listen asshole, i don't know what goes on around here, but this is supposed to be the nexus between life and death, what are you dicks doing here?
>It scoffs
>"Puh-leeze, this dump is hardly a "necksus" to anything"
>You look around
>For a hellish limbo, it certainly looked....well....developed
>There were buildings, landscapes, and even a sky with a sun
>Where in the name of the sun were you?
If you really think this is a dump, why don't you leave?
>Again it scoffs
>"You can't go back without approval from the elders, and apparently i have "Anger Issues" i need to work through before they let me go back"
>You nod thoughtfully
Yeah I can see that, you're a total asshole.
>Her feathers puff out, somehow a blush forms on them
>"I'm a girl you stupid dweeb!"

>You had assumed, but you can never be too careful
Sure you are, now if you'll excuse me I have some giant centaur cunt to destroy.
>You turn to walk away when you realize you forgot something
>You turn around and address what little bit of the crowd remained
Any of you guys and gals seen a small bonfire made of books? Ridiculous scepter in the center? Gay pride flames?
>In unison they all point to your left
>You steal a glance
>Lo and behold, there it is
>That ridiculous bonfire setup, complete with a tiny shrine built around it
>You turn back to the crowd
Th-thanks
>You begin walking away, almost tripping as you do your best strut
>You're almost to the bonfire when you feel a slight gust of wind behind you
>You turn your head
>That bitch griffin was following you
>Probably wanted the D
>You briefly consider how awesome it would be to be able to say you fucked a mythical creature, but her bitch voice interrupts
>"Where do you think you're going, dweeb?"
>Now its your turn to scoff
Really? Dweeb? What is this, the 4th grade? Go fuck yourself bitch, I have places to be.
>You turn back and begin walking again
>"What do you mean places? Quit being such a lame-o"
>Jesus Christ what is this, the 60s?
Actually I'm going back to the living world because I'm not a punk bitch griffin, have fun with your anger issues while I slaughter monsters and get mad dosh.
>Her talons wrap around your shoulders, turning you around
You have to take me with you, this place is a total drag!

>You have some ideas, but a beaky blowjob was not your idea of a good time
>An idea pops into your head
Alright, I'll take you back with me....next time i come here...and only if you do something for me.
>She frowns
>"What do you want that you can't take? You look pretty tough..."
>You laugh and pat her head
Oh i could take it if i wanted, but it be given willingly.
>Your trying to make this sound as sexual as possible, its working
>The griffin fidgets in place
>"I'm not going to have se-"
>You raise a finger to her beak
>Surprisingly soft....
>That beaky blowjob might just need to happen
>Eventually.
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhut the fuck up.
>She shuts the fuck up
I want you-
>You point at her face
To make me
>You point to your own face
A ceremonial head-dress out of your lovely feathers!
>She squawks, hilariously
>"That would take weeks, I'm not waiting that long!"
How long is it going to take if you have to wait for those old assholes to let you come back yourself?

>Her head droops slightly, she raises a talon to her face and strokes the bottom of her beak
>She eventually sighs and faces you
>"Fine, but if you aren't here two weeks from today, I'm burning it and you can go screw yourself."
>You smile and nod as you back away, surreptitiously placing your hand on the scepter
>She must realize what you're doing
>"W-wait! You didn't tell me what you wanted it to look like!"
>As you're pulled away you yell out a reply
Surprise me, Catbutt!
>Smooth nickname action
>The darkness seals you away from the light, lazily pulling you in the direction of the living world
>Those ponies probably knew about that afterlife place, so they shouldn't be surprised when you come back and boop them
>As you contemplate how to kill that centaur asshole, you see yourself begin materializing in the living world
>Awesome, time to kick ass and probably die horribly again
>Your boots hit the ground, your legs carrying you into a full sprint
>You turn the corner near the ruins of the tree and turn towards the battleground
>But something is vastly different
>Instead of fighting, there is a serene feel to this place
>The big centaur asshole was lying on the ground a few yards away, looking pretty old an frail
>And a small circle of ponies congregating around your corpse
>You assumed they were just trying to get a good look at your armor at first
>But as you got closer that flew out the window
>You could hear some pretty heavy crying
>Shit

>You stop your approach
>Normally you would think this was a reasonable reaction, but from what you just saw you had assumed death wasn't a permanent thing here
>Well nothing good can come from making these ponies wait in any case
>You raise your visor and continue your short walk over to the ponies
>As you get closer, you can overhear some of their conversation over sniffles and cries
>"-ust wanted to help..."
>That sounds like the yellow one, her voice strained by emotion
>"Its my fault he stayed, twilight totally had that fight in the bag and I told him he needed to help!"
>Well that much was probably true
>You're within feet of the group now, just a few more steps until you surprise them with your mastery of the talent "Not being dead"
>"Girls, nobody is to blame for this, it isn't like you forced him to-"
>You reach the circle and give twilight a light slap on the flank
Miss mAGHH FUCK
>Before you manage to finish your cutesy quip, the unicorn whips around and send a blast of magic directly at your chest
>Well, more THROUGH your chest than at it
>All six ponies stare at you with wide eyes, unable to speak
>You look down to your chest
>A large hole the size of a baseball now graces your chest
>You involuntarily cough, a spray of blood flying onto the ground in front of you
>Your attempts to speak are in vain, no cutesy death quip this time
>The familiar fade comes to you as you fall onto your side
>Your last thought is dedicated to cursing elite's low magic protection

>You lean back and relax as you wait for the slow transition to the world of the dead to finish its shenanigans
>You could get used to this
>A nice relaxing lazy river ride every time you die?
>Hell, you might kill yourself a few times a week just because
>You laugh at the thought, suicide for a lazy river ride?
>Whats next, murdering infants for ice cream?
>As you finish your musings, you realize you are within feet of the miniature sun
>You lie still as the magic does its thing, plopping you down in the town square
>Ponies are staring, but no crowd like before
>Good, you didn't like an audience when you died to something embarrassing
>Like a bright purple unicorn
>You shove your shame aside and re-focus on the task at hand
>You spot the bonfire and start walking
>Various ponies and other creatures try to make light conversation as you walk by
>You don't have time to chat this time so you just wave at them as you jog to the bonfire
>Dodging between two of the pillars the hold up the roman-esque shrine, you spot a few changes to the area
>There is a sleeping bag and some small furniture against one of the walls
>the short desk has a small pile of feathers resting on it
>The ornery griffin must have moved in to the shrine to make sure you kept your promise
>Cute, but she seems to have stepped out for a bit
>Good for you, no distractions to stop you from getting back to reality
>You contemplate coming back early next time as you grasp the scepter and fly away

>You land softly on the dirt around the bonfire
>Revival disorientation was something you were never going to get used to
>You either came out running from adrenalin, or you stood around like a jackass for a few seconds as you adjust to the whole "Being alive" situation
>You dust what you can only assume is fairy dust off of you as you step out of the ruined tree and once again approach the ponies
>They've moved the bodies next to each-other and are studying you
HEY! I'm walking up behind you, please don't violently murder me again!
>You guess you were a little too loud, the yellow and white ones jump into the air and let out small eeps before scrambling to hide behind their friends
>The rainbow maned pony smiles and flaps her wings lightly as you approach
>Twilight looks both confused AND embarrassed
>Usually that look was reserved for women who woke up in your bed after a night of heavy drinking
>It looked good on her
>"But...what? How are you doing that?!"
>You laugh and flip up your visor
I'm an immortal undead, baby.
>She rolls her eyes before speaking again
>"Alright, but what does that even mean?"
>You stop a few feet away from the group, thoughtfully stroking your chin with your fingers
>Now what was the best way to explain this to them?
>You imagine anything you would tell a child you could tell these things
Alright well the basic explanation is that I have a curse that makes it impossible for me to die, but the downside to that is the little proviso that means if i don't consume souls and work towards some kind of goal, or self defining mission, I will eventually go insane.
>Short, sweet, and to the point. You were an elegant wordsmith.
>"I think I understand, but could you tell me what...species you are?"
>You could have fun with this
>Tell them your species is just called "jeff" or something
>That would be hilarious
>But if you just did nothing but lie to these ponies for stupid jokes, eventually you would drown in a sea of lies

I'm a human, a DEAD SEXY human.
>She ponders this for a second before responding
>"A Heyoomann?"
>Oh god no why did she say it like that
No, say it with me: "HUGH-MAHN"
>the other ponies join in on what might be the most ridiculous English lesson you had ever participated in
>"HOOMIN HEYUMEN HUUUUMEEEHNNN HUMEEHNNN HUMAN HEYOMANN"
>Only one of them got it right, the yellow one
>You give her a thumbs up and continue coaching the others
>She closes her eyes and plasters a huge smile across her face, saying "Human!" in time with her friend's attempts
>About 10 minutes later, you have all but one of them saying it correctly
>The one with the apples on her ample ass was still screwing it up, but in the same exact way every time...
>Shit, she has an accent
>She's probably been saying it right the whole time
>Time for full damage control
You got it that time, Great work everybody!
>"everyPONY"
>The smile fades from your face
What?
>You look at twilight
>"We're all ponies, the term is everypony, human"
>Oh god did they think human was your name?
>Shit, you need to fix that right away
My SPECIES is human, my NAME is anon.
>Twilight is about to speak up when you shove your finger into her face
What if there is someone around you that isn't a pony? Are they just excluded? Are you ponies racist?
>Twilight goes stiff and begins stuttering out replies
>"B-but...no we're just....uh......no that's...."
>While she stutters, the pony that reminds you of a marshmallow butts in
>"How uncouth! Insinuating that a group of fine ladies, and rainbow dash, like ourselves are racists?! Are there manners in your world?"

>You can hear her words, but you cannot comprehend them
>You are overcome with an unnatural urge to touch the marshmallow pony
>You slowly raise your hands to either side of her
>"Wh-what are you doing? Stop that this instant!"
>Too late, you grasp both of her flanks in unison
>Soft as marshmallows, just as you expected
>"OH!"
>The marshmallow mare wiggles underneath your grasp, a futile attempt to escape you
 >She lets out an exasperated moan before falling forward onto a couch
>Where the fuck did that couch come from
>What the fuck
>You release the marshmallow buns and rub your temples, completely unsure of how to continue
>"Why did you grab rarities cutie marks?"
>You refocus your eyes, the yellow pegasus sits in front of you, her head cocked inquisitively
>Shit, you had to think fast
Err...uh...that's how humans say hello to ladies!
>Smooth. As. Silk.
>"Oh, okay. Humans are so interesting!"
>As she speaks she turns around and presents her ass to you
>"I don't want to be....ehe...rude..."
>You look around, the other ponies seem somewhat convinced
>But looking into the face of the yellow mare as she turns to face you, you can tell
>She knows what this is
>You reluctantly extend your hands and grab her ass
>She wiggles as well, but slower
>More deliberate, less panic
>This was a sex thing now
>You made a mental note to avoid this mare as you release your grip
>"Me next!"
>Oh god they all want you to grab their asses
>What have you done

>five minutes and 4 squishy mares later, your work is done
>All six of the ponies are now lying in the most adorable fashion while chatting about various things
>Twilight had locked the weird centaur asshole in some kind of magical cage and now we had to wait for the useless princesses to come grab him
>These ponies seemed very eager to spend time with you, you had 12 offers to stay with them within minutes of mentioning your housing situation
>Six of those were from the yellow pegasus, whom you had found out was named Fluttershy.
>You had also learned the names of the rest of the group
>The best way to use this information is a tally sheet for sleepover offers
>Fluttershy was in the lead with six, dash coming in second with 3, pinkie close behind with 2, and twilight in the running with 1
>"And if you stayed with ME, you could watch me fly around and do tricks and stuff!"
>Dash was closing in on Fluttershy's title of "most transparent mare"
But wait, don't you live in a cloud?
>She just shrugs
>"Twilight could just cast a spell on you our something, come on it'll be awesome!"
Aright, how many beds do you have?
>She goes red in the face
>"uhh....well that isn't important...."
So one, then?
>These horses totally wanted to fuck you
>And that was not OK
Alright, who here has more than one bed?
>Twilight and Fluttershy raise their hooves
Alright, who here is lying about the beds?
>Twilight lowers her hoof
>A few seconds later, Fluttershy realizes her mistake and quickly lowers her hoof
Alright, twilight it is.
>"Excellent, we can start the studies immediately!"
>Fuck

What KIND of studies?
>"Oh you know...study studies...."
>Oh god were those bedroom eyes or exasperated smarty pants eyes
>You can't tell
>This is going so badly you could die and be in a better situation
>You glance over longingly at your two corpses, currently piled on top of each-other
>Those guys had it so easy
>While you give your deceased corpses jealous glances, the ponies around you stand up
>You awkwardly bounce up to join them, looking around for whatever it is that you're standing for
>You spot it almost instantly, a large chariot is currently flying through the sky, pulled by a few large pegasi
>The occupant of the chariot appears to be a giant pony
>About the size of a normal horse from your world
>Her mane is a composed of a few ethereal colors, flowing against the wind as if in a light breeze
>Either this was the princess, or it  was their god
>Which, to be honest, were probably the same thing
>The chariot lands feet away from you, the ponies around you bow
>A quick kick to your ankle takes you to your knees
Fuck you sparkle I'll fucking eat you
>You whisper it low enough that only she can hear it
>Repositioning yourself into a more comfortable kneel, you look to the princess/goddess
>She stands before the group, smiling
>"I see you have managed to stop Tirek and free us from our imprisonment, thank you."
>She nods at sparkle before turning to you
>"But what of this one? Did this strange creature play a role in this battle?"
>Before you can speak, twilight replies
>"Yes actually, he helped distract Tirek while i was fighting him, princess Celestia!"
>What a total bitch

>The princess laughs and looks to you
>"Well i thank you...."
>She is waiting for you to tell you her name
Anon. The name's anon.
>"Well I thank you, sir anon. I'm sure without you this would have ended vastly differently!"
>Internal laughing intensifies
>The ponies around you stand and begin crowding the princess
>You use this opportunity to slowly slip to the back of the group, uninterested in the whole situation
>You sit down on a rock and kick your feet at the dirt until the group starts moving
>The ruined town is being being repaired with magic, and there is now a giant spiky castle on the outskirts of town
>You miss the explanation, but it has something to do with friendship
>That's going to be a theme, isn't it?
>Friendship this, friendship that, blah blah kill the enemies of the throne blah blah
>You vaguely recall speak of your own room in the castle and follow the ponies through the halls
>Dying multiple times in a single day is tiring work
>You can barely stand by the time you reach the room that is apparently yours
>You wave the group off as you enter the room and begin disrobing yourself of your armor
>You mumble to yourself as you do so
stupid sex crazed horses....tryin tah get in my pants...ain't nobody gettin this.....
>You drop the armor on the ground, loud clangs echoing through the room as you do so
>You are now down to your boxers, perfect sleeping attire
>Falling back on the pillowy bed you let a low moan escape your mouth
Ohhh fuck yesssssssssss
>This is the first bed you have slept on in months
>You were entitled to being a bitch about this situation
>As your eyes close and sleep overtakes you, you feel something warm press up against you
>It feels like a giant marshmallow being pressed against your face