Never Wanted to Save the World

Never Wanted to Save the World

“So what you doing today Zed?” I scathingly asked him once again, “Nothing.” He said, “Leave me alone.” So here I am lumbering out of my chair another day. “Have It your way then Zed; I never wanted to save the world anyway.”

“You see, ever since we banded together with a few homies and messed over Atlantis, then sort of caused the whole Great Flood bit, then somehow scraped together a few savages and trained them, then made a few cities, then started another government, then kinda got carried away and brought a whole nother war into fruition, then somehow saved the world from those other guys, Zed has never quite been the same.”

"You may ask me how this all happened and you may think I am insane. I really do not care; Imma tell it to you straight anyway. Me and my crew, we are immortals. We are the Hidden Hand. We are the shadow government. We are The Man. If you are reading this book right now then it is because it has been published and fell directly into your hands, and you best believe, if you are reading this it is because we want you to. Everything that happens on this planet is because we allow it.”

“I could save a few nations. I could end world hunger. I could house every last bum you see day in and day out on the street, but I do not do any of these things. Why, you may ask. And I will tell it you straight again. If there was no conflict in the world then it would not be any fun. We manufacture wars. We build nations and empires and then we knock them back down again. Why do we cause all of this suffering? Why do we let people pillage, and rape, and plunder amidst themselves? Why? Screw it, man. It is all for the lulz.”

“Watching the ants build an ant hill, you know, their own kingdom, over the course of a few days, and then destroying it all with a couple kicks and swathes of the foot. Don’t act like you have not done it before. And look me in the eyes now and tell me, that feeling you got when the ants all came running out, helpless and scared in the shadow of your boot or whatever other piece of crap you had on your feet at the time, wasn’t it satisfying? Would you call it fun? I sure would.”


“There was a point when Zed would have agreed. And there was a point when I would have agreed with Zed for agreeing with me. We used to see eye to eye. We used to be best buds. But then I got soft, or maybe I got even harder. I still cannot tell. I wanted to let it all go to shit just one time; see what would happen if we did not rebuild, and just came out to play instead. Make this world our own. Say screw it to the humans, let a few billion souls wander off into the darkness of the void, and then play in the wreckage.”

“Zed thought I had lost it. He said we could not do that; even acted like there was some sort of higher purpose to it all. I laughed. How could I not have laughed? I laughed my rump clean off, like really off. Sprained a joint in my lower spine and dislocated my abdomen, that is how funny it was, and how much I did not care. I care now.”

“I once thought the battle was a daily affair. You wake up, you eat, you breathe, and you make war against entropy each day. I was right, but I did not realize how right I was. The real battle though, that is a different story.”

“Let’s just say those other guys did not like it when I wanted to stop the process. I did not want to rebuild. I did not want to keep playing with my little human toys. I got sick of the tools. I got sick of the charades. I got sick of the façade. I tried to break free of the routine, and that put a wrench in the system of the whole works. You think the Hidden Hand has a grip on the world, eh? Well you have not seen a grip like these guys have. We may have a planet, but they have a galaxy. For every star system we have conquered, they have a universe.”

“So how did we save the world you may ask. The answer is simple. We did not. We got our butts handed to us on a silver platter. Then those other guys thought we were not worth their time. They did not see a point in playing with us anymore. They knocked over our ant hit and we ran around like a goose with his head chopped off. They laughed, then they left, then we rebuilt. We kinda keep the cycle going now.”

“You done remembering old times now, you crusty old fart?” Zed shouted my way. “I guess I am Zed,” I reply. “Just so much has happened since those times.” “When we used to be gods?” Zed casually inquires with the slight raise of one bushy eyebrow. “Yeah,” I reply, with a bit more melancholy than I probably should have. “Get over it,” Zed snickers, “Those times are done. Just another day, just another battle, just like you always thought. “Remember Rick, it may not seem like it now, but I was just like you. I never wanted to save the world.”