When I Say No, I Feel Guilty

WHEN I SAY NO, I FEEL GUILTY

----------------------------

The Bill of Assertive Rights

1. You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself
2. You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior
3. You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people's problems
4. You have the right to change your mind
5. You have the right to make mistakes- and be responsible for them
6. You have the right to say "I don't know"
7. You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them
8. You have the right to be illogical in making decisions
9. You have the right to say "I don't understand"
10. You have the right to say "I don't care"

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO, WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY

To assert is to state positively with great confidence but with no objective proof.

-------------------------------

The Seven Systematic Assertive Skills

Broken Record
- A skill that by calm repetition- saying what you want over and over again- teaches persistence without you having to rehearse arguments or angry feelings beforehand, in order to be "up for" dealing with others
- Clinical effect after practice: Allows you to feel comfortable in ignoring manipulative verbal side traps, argumentative baiting, and irrelevant logic, all while sticking to your desired point

Fogging
- A skill that teaches acceptance of manipulative criticism by calmly acknowledging to your critic the probability that there may be some truth in what they say, yet allows you to remain the judge of what you do
- Clinical effect after practice: Allows you to receive criticism comfortably without becoming anxious or defensive, while giving no reward to those using manipulative criticism

Free Information (Conversational skill)
- A skill that teaches the recognition of simple cues given by a social partner in everyday conversation to indicate what is interesting or important to that person
- Clinical effect after practice: Allows you to feel less shy in entering into conversation while at the same time prompting social partners to talk more easily about themselves

Negative Assertion
- A skill that teaches acceptance of your errors and faults (without having to apologize) by strongly and sympathetically agreeing with hostile or constructive criticism of your negative qualities
- Clinical effect after practice: Allows you to look more comfortably at negatives in your own behaviors or personality without feeling defensive and anxious, or resorting to denial of real error, while at the same time reducing your critic's anger or hostility

Negative Inquiry
- A skill that teaches the active prompting of criticism in order to use the information (if helpful) or exhaust it (if manipulative) while prompting your critic to be more assertive, less dependent on manipulative ploys
- Clinical effect after practice: Allows you to more comfortably seek out criticism about yourself in close relationships while prompting the other person to express honest negative feelings and improve communications

Self-Disclosure (Conversational skill)
- A skill that teaches the acceptance and initiation of discussion of both the positive and negative aspects of your personality, behavior, lifestyle, intelligence, to enhance social communication and reduce manipulation
- Clinical effect after practice: Allows you to comfortably disclose aspects of yourself and your life that previously caused you feelings of ignorance, anxiety, or guilt

Workable Compromise
- In using your verbal assertive skills, it is practical, whenever you feel your self respect is in question, to offer a Workable Compromise to the other person.
- You can always bargain for your material goods UNLESS the compromise affects your personal feeling of self respect.
- IF the end goal involves a matter of your self worth, however, there can be NO COMPROMISE.


=============ONE=============

Problems other people give us: Is conflict inevitable?

"It is much more beneficial to concentrate on what you're going to do rather than why you are this way"

"As a result of the unrealistic belief that a healthy person has no problems, we feel that the our lifestyle is not worth it. But not only is it natural to expect that we will have problems in living, it is also natural to expect that we all have the ability to deal with those problems."

"Humans are dominant not in spite of problems, but because of them- because we could deal with them better than any other species"

-------------------------------

Our inherited survival responses- Two animal and one human:
1. Fight (primitive, primate) (anger)
2. Flight (primitive, primate) (fear)
3. Verbal Assertiveness (evolved, human)

Our Primitive Survival Behaviors: How we become so aggressive or tend to avoid other people (survival responses 1 and 2)

Our Verbal problem solving ability: The unique difference between us and the other animal species (survival response 3)

The problem with 1 and 2:
- Anger-fight, fear-flight, and depression-withdrawal are just responses that helped us survive, but they just aren't that useful anymore
- These survival responses seldom work or even help, because they interfere with verbal assertiveness
- In fact, primitive coping mechanisms are less than useless: they cause more problems than they solve, because they interfere with verbal assertiveness

----------------------

So why do we use primitive, ineffective strategies, when we have a highly effective human one? Because it's been trained out of us:
1. When you were very young you were assertive, but could be physically restrained (crib, fence, etc.)
2. As you grew, your parents had to switch from physical to psychological control
3. To psychologically control your behavior, you were trained to feel anxious, ignorant, and guilty
4. These feelings are simply conditioned or learned variations of the basic survival emotion of fear

Once we have learned to feel
- anxious
- ignorant
- guilty
we will do a lot of things to avoid feeling these ways

-------------------------

How learning to feel
- anxious
- ignorant
- guilty
as children can make us
- passive
- manipulable
- non-assertive
as adults


Parents train us by connecting two things, using psychological puppet strings:
Our behavior <==> Feelings of anxiety, ignorance, and guilt

By training us to attach emotionally loaded ideas of good and bad to all our actions, parents deny they have any responsibility.
- They shift responsibility to something external, by using good/bad statements
- They appeal to something called "The Rules" that they didn't make
- This is non-assertiveness


What are "The Rules"?
- An arbitrary amorphous cloud of conventions that you will never fully understand
- In reality, it's what happens to benefit the other person, disguised as a general rule that they didn't make
- This isn't mysterious
	- This is learning; you've been trained to associate anxiety, ignorance, and guilt with your actions and beliefs
	- It's rote memorization and Pavlovian conditioning
	- “The Rules” are not real but you believe they are


Why do parents do this? Are they evil? No. Two reasons:
1. It's efficient and makes their lives easier, by making you easier to control
2. It's what was done to them, so they don't know any better

Can parents control their children's behavior without making them feel anxious, ignorant, and guilty?... Yes, by appealing to their own authority, and not to an outside authority, or The Rules.

Appealing to your own authority is assertive behavior
- It is not manipulative
- It teaches kids to behave assertively


==========TWO===========

Our prime assertive human right- and how other people violate it

OUR PRIME ASSERTIVE HUMAN RIGHT IS TO BE THE ULTIMATE JUDGE OF ALL WE ARE AND ALL WE DO. ALL OTHER ASSERTIVE RIGHTS ARE DERIVED FROM THIS ONE.

----------------------

How we are manipulated into doing what others want...

We all have situations where we say "When I say 'No', I feel guilty, but if I say 'Yes', I'll hate myself".

If I say No...
- Will they feel hurt, rejected, and not like me anymore?
- Am I self centered, not nice, an uncaring son of a bitch?
- Are my reasons actually reasonable?
- Will they think what I want is Wrong?
But
If I say Yes...
- Why am I always doing things for everyone else?
- Why am I always being used?
- Am I a patsy?
- Is this just the price I pay to live with other people?

Even when you try to do what you want, you allow other people to make you feel
- anxious
- ignorant
- guilty

Non-assertiveness costs you your self respect:
1. The problem is that the trained manipulated part of us accepts without question that someone else "Should" be able to control us psychologically by making us feel these ways.
2. With the innately assertive part of us suppressed by our training in childhood, we are forced to respond to manipulation with counter-manipulation.
3. The farce of counter-manipulation is that that who wins doesn't depend on what you want, but on who can make the other feel guiltier.
4. Without assertiveness, you end up frustrated, irritated, and anxious. These feelings are expressed by verbal fighting or running away (survival responses 1 and 2).

Possible outcomes when using survival responses:
1. Do what someone else wants
	-> Be frustrated very often
		-> Get depressed
			-> Withdraw from people
				-> Lose our self respect
2. Angrily do what we want
	-> Alienate other people
		-> Lose our self respect
3. Avoid conflict by running away
	-> Withdraw from other people
		-> Lose our self respect

The end result of all non-assertive approaches is that you lose your self-respect

-----------------------

As a first step in being more assertive, you have to realize that NO ONE CAN MANIPULATE YOUR EMOTIONS OR BEHAVIOR IF YOU DO NOT ALLOW IT TO HAPPEN.

In order to stop anyone's manipulation of
- you
- your emotions
- your behavior,
You need to do two things:

1. Recognize how people try to manipulate you
	- There is a common set of manipulative expectations people have of themselves and each other
	-	These childish expectations deprive us of our dignity and self-respect
	-	If we have the same expectations of ourselves as our manipulators do, we surrender:
		- Our dignity and self-respect
		- Our responsibility for governing our own existence
		- Control over our own behavior

2. Question the childish attitudes and ideas which make us susceptible to manipulation
	- These are assumptions on how we "Should" behave to avoid resorting to survival behaviors:
		- Anger-aggression
		- Fear-flight
	- These childish beliefs are the basis for most of the ways other people manipulate us
	- The assertive rights are the opposite of these childish beliefs
	- These childish beliefs are described in this and the next chapter

YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE TO BE MANIPULATED

-------------------------------------

Our assertive rights are a framework for each individual's participation in any human relationship

Assertive rights are the framework upon which we build positive connections, which give us:
	- trust
	- compassion
	- warmth
	- closeness
	- love

Without this framework, people fear they will have no way to deal with rejection, and so don't show any vulnerability, and without vulnerability there are no positive connections

Being assertive means being confident in yourself and your abilities. "No matter what happens to me, I can cope with it" (this mirrors Glover's "I can handle it").

Our assertive rights are composed of:
- Statements about ourselves as humans
- Statements about our true responsibilities for ourselves and our own well being
- Statements about our acceptance of our humanness, which set practical limits on what other people can expect from us

----------------------

Assertive Right 1:
You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself
Or,
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE THE ULTIMATE JUDGE OF YOURSELF

The more manipulatively trained and non-assertive we are, the more likely we are to reject this right for ourselves and others.

Keep in mind that other people are non-assertive and trained as well:
1. Their non-assertiveness leads to feeling a lack of control, and therefore powerlessness
2. The only means they have to control you is this external standard of behavior which also controls them
3. The external standard of behavior is contradicted by the prime assertive right
4. If you exercise the prime assertive right, you take that control away from them
5. Therefore, people fear people who are the ultimate judge of themselves

Rules make insecure people feel secure. They want rules. They want to be controlled.

If you don't follow their rules, you're telling them that the rules they are counting on for their security are imaginary, and therefore their security is imaginary. People don't like that. They will feel threatened.

---------------

Where did the idea of a "right way to do things" come from?
1. We get an outline of beliefs trained into us in childhood
2. We use that template to invent rules as we go along to relieve insecurity about not knowing what to do
3. When you threaten someone's rules by being assertive, they will feel insecure again
4. They will feel that you must be controlled to regain their sense of security
5. They will double down on the logic, guilt, manipulation, shame, fairness, and reason
6. This is all done in order to control you and make you stop making them feel threatened
7. They will invent or use external structure to try to control you

----------------

The manipulator's basic tool: EXTERNAL STRUCTURE

The "Right Way" to do things becomes the way that:
- lets them preserve their structure and therefore their feeling of security
- is beneficial for them
- has nothing to do with a real standard

People appeal to rules that they believe in and try to follow. Since they deal in counter-manipulation, it's rare to find blatant hypocrisy.

The principle here is that people want to believe they are right. Your assertiveness will challenge this.


Manipulation of your behavior occurs when extraneous rules are imposed upon you that:
1. you have not previously agreed to
2. violate your assertive right to be your own judge


Here is the childish belief that makes manipulation possible:
- you should not make independent judgments about yourself and your actions
- you must be judged by external
	- rules
	- procedures
	- authority
- that are all wiser and greater than yourself.
... Basically, then, manipulation is any behavior prompted by this belief.


You are being manipulated whenever anyone reduces your ability to be your own judge of what you do.
- the right to be the final judge of yourself is the prime assertive right which allows no one to manipulate you
- it is the assertive right from which all others are derived
- your other assertive rights are only more specific everyday applications of this right

The other rights are important because they provide details for common ways people try to:
- manipulate you
- violate your personal dignity
- violate your self respect


When you become the judge of yourself, you learn how to work out independently your own ways for judging your behavior

Your own ways to judge your own behavior are…
- made through trial and error
- a system of likes and dislikes
- judgments that fit our personality and lifestyle
They are not…
- a system of right and wrong
- I should or I shouldn't
- necessarily logical, reasonable, rational, consistent, or permanent


Failure to be your own judge = Failure to take responsibility for your own happiness = Blaming and Victimhood

Refusing to take responsibility is the Nuremberg defense
- I was only following orders
- You can't avoid responsibility through logic meant to show you were forced one way or another
- You are always choosing the consequences of every choice, and that's on you every time

By obeying a law/order/command, all this means is that you did not choose to accept the consequences of disobeying. You are never forced to do anything. You are always choosing consequences.

Morals are arbitrary rules people adopt to use in judging their own and other people's behavior

In adopting a moral code, we dump responsibility for our actions onto it
- It's easier to use a “done for you” system than it is to figure it all out on your own
- This isn't wrong, necessarily, but it doesn't mean the moral system is right
- It's just a time saving and responsibility shifting technique


Legal systems are arbitrary rules society has adopted to provide negative consequences for behavior that society wishes to suppress

You always have the assertive right to break a law and face the consequences

Do not confuse moral and legal codes

Three ways to simplify how to look at your relationship with anyone else:
1. Commercial
2. Authority
3. Equal


===================THREE==================

OUR PRIME ASSERTIVE HUMAN RIGHT IS TO BE THE ULTIMATE JUDGE OF ALL WE ARE AND ALL WE DO. ALL OTHER ASSERTIVE RIGHTS ARE DERIVED FROM THIS ONE.

Our everyday assertive rights- the common ways other people manipulate us

1. All these flow from the prime assertive right- that you have the right to be your own judge
2. You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior
3. You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people's problems
4. You have the right to change your mind
5. You have the right to make mistakes- and be responsible for them
6. You have the right to say "I don't know"
7. You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them
8. You have the right to be illogical in making decisions
9. You have the right to say "I don't understand"
10. You have the right to say "I don't care"



AR2: You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior

If you are your own ultimate judge, you do not need to explain your behavior to someone else for them to decide it its:
- right
- wrong
- correct
- incorrect
	... or whatever tag they want to use

To explain yourself is to make them your judge. If you are your own ultimate judge, they do not have the right to:
- manipulate your behavior and feelings
	- by demanding reasons from you
		- in order to convince you that you are wrong


The childish belief that underlies this type of manipulation goes like this:
- You should explain your reasons for your behavior to other people because you are responsible to them for your actions
- You should should justify your actions to them

If someone refuses to acknowledge your assertive right to halt manipulation by being your own judge, why are you dealing with them?

You don't have to show your work. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone.



AR3: You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people's problems

People cannot create happiness, mental stability, and well-being for another person
- You cannot create it for someone else... They must create it themselves
- They cannot create it for you... You must create it yourself

You only have the ability to temporarily please someone by doing what they want, but not the ability to permanently solve their problems

One of the first principles of modern psychology is that the therapist cannot solve problems for the patient, but can only help the patient gain the ability to solve their own problems

Even if you caused a problem for someone else, it is still their responsibility to solve that problem

If you do not recognize your assertive right to choose to be responsible only for yourself:
- other people can and will manipulate you into doing what they want
	- by presenting their problems to you as if they were your own problems

The childish belief underlying this type of manipulation goes like this:
- you have an obligation to things and institutions greater than yourself
- you should sacrifice your own values to keep these systems from falling apart
- if these systems do not work effectively, you should bend and change, not the system
- if you have problems with the system, they are your problems, and not the system's problems



AR4: You have the right to change your mind

If you don't have the right to change your mind, you don't have the right to learn, to grow, to improve, to experiment, to iterate, to evolve. Every one of those things requires changing your mind.

The childish belief that resists changing the mind goes something like this:
- You should not change your mind after you've committed yourself
- If you change your mind, something is wrong
	- You must now either:
		1. Justify your new choice (and thereby give up the right to be your own judge)
		2. Admit that you were in error before. If you admit that:
		- You have been shown to be irresponsible
		- You are likely to be wrong again
		- You are likely to cause problems
...Therefore you are not capable of making decisions by yourself

-

AR5: You have the right to make mistakes- and be responsible for them

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Corollaries:
- None of us is perfect
- To err is part of the human condition
- Have compassion and tolerance


We are susceptible to manipulation if we see errors not as errors, BUT AS MORALLY WRONG
- If errors are "wrong", they must be atoned for
- Atonement means a "right" behavior must be engaged in
- This "right" behavior is very often whatever the other person wants
- So they are using guilt to get what they want from you
- They seize the opportunity presented by your error, and use guilt to extract what they want from you


The childish belief underlying this manipulation is approximately as follows:
- You must not make errors
- Errors are wrong and cause problems to other people
- If you make errors, you should feel guilty
- You are likely to make more errors, therefore
	- you can't make proper decisions, and
	- you can't deal with life, therefore
	- other people should control your behavior and decisions so you will not cause problems
		- in this way you can make up for the wrong you have done to them
...Essentially, you hurt people with your errors, so give up your authority so that you stop hurting people

However, being responsible for your errors means you are allowed to hurt people. If they don't want to be around you, they don't have to be. But what they can't do is insist you give them your responsibility.

Other people are responsible for setting their own boundaries.



AR6: You have the right to say "I don't know"

You have the right to make judgments without knowing all the facts or consequences

If someone behaves as though you "should" know the specific results of your actions, he is hoping you have this childish belief:
- You should have answers to any question about any possible consequence of your actions, because
	- If you don't have answers, you are unaware of the problems you will cause other people, and therefore
		- You are irresponsible and must be controlled

People want to induce analysis by paralysis by asking all the consequences. This assertive right bypasses the need to answer that question, and lets you just act.

This form of manipulation can be recognized by the following phrases:
1. What would happen if...?
2. What do you think...?
3. How would you feel if...?
4. What kind of person would...?
...No one can know all of the consequences for their actions. Chaos theory. Butterflies. Therefore you don't need to know.

If someone else wants to speculate, let them. Pressure flip.



AR7: You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before dealing with them

People only remove their goodwill towards you when there is a payoff to them for doing so.
- If withdrawal of goodwill affects your behavior, you are incentivizing them to do it again
- If you do not respond, there is no payoff, and it's frequency of use will diminish


The childish belief behind this behavior is:
- You must have the goodwill of people or they can prevent you from doing anything
- You need the cooperation of other people to survive
- It is very important that people like you

We mistakenly assume that a relationship is impossible without 100% mutual agreement

We mistakenly believe we need other people to approve of us if we are to survive (very similar to nice guy paradigm)



AR8: You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.

Logic:
1. Logic is sometimes not helpful in figuring out what we want or why we want it
2. Logic can be extremely helpful to other people in talking you into changing your behavior
3. Logic is what other people use to prove you're wrong. In other words, to judge your behavior.

Childish beliefs:
1. It is a childish belief that "good reasons" must be given to justify our goals, desires, and actions
2. It is a childish belief that "you must follow logic because it makes better choices than you"

Sometimes you have to follow your gut, guess, and risk being illogical to be right in the end



AR9: You have the right to say "I don't understand"

No one understands everything. It is not a failing to not understand something.

Childish belief:
- you must
   - anticipate and
   - be sensitive to the needs of other people if we are all to live together without discord
- you are expected to understand what these needs are without making people spell them out
-if you do not understand without constantly being told, you are irresponsible and ignorant

The childish belief is that YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND.

UM33: Set boundaries and expect others to do the same.

This usually manifests in:
- hurt looks
- angry looks
- silences
- essentially, someone guilting you into submission by playing the role of the injured party

Instead of verbally asserting themselves, they make a judgement FOR YOU that:
1. You are in the wrong
2. You “should” intuitively understand that they are displeased with your behavior
3. You “should” automatically understand what behavior displeases them
4. You “should” change the behavior so that they will no longer be “hurt” and “angry”

IF: you allow the other person to make the judgement FOR YOU that you should automatically understand what is bothering them
THEN: you are likely to:
1. Change your behavior for their convenience
2. Do anything to relieve their “hurt” and “angry” feelings towards you
3. Do something additional to atone for making them feel “hurt” and “angry”
4. Be blocked from what you wanted to do

The basic principle is that people want to you to believe you SHOULD understand. If you don’t, you feel
- anxious
- ignorant
- guilty

Do you know why you do everything you do? Do you always know what you want? The answer is no. THEN HOW CAN YOU EXPECT TO KNOW THIS ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE?



AR10: You have the right to say “I don’t care”.

SHOULD is the operative word in manipulation

There are common threads:
- All the rights say you are your own judge
- All the childish beliefs say you are not your own judge
- Manipulators imply that you SHOULD be perfect, and if you can’t
   - you SHOULD try to improve yourself, and if you can’t
      - you SHOULD really want to improve, and if you don’t
         - you SHOULD feel really bad about yourself

The basic principle of manipulation is that perfection is the standard. Anything less is wrong. If someone points out you are not perfect, you must change.

If you buy into manipulative beliefs, you are open to thousands of ways to be manipulated, limited only by people’s ingenuity

Childish belief:
1. Because you are human, you have many flaws
2. You must try to make up for this by striving for perfection
3. You will probably fail, but you still must want to improve
4. If someone points out how you can improve, you must follow their discretion
5. If you don’t, you are
   - corrupt
   - lazy
   - worthless
   - unworthy of respect from anyone, including yourself

This assertive right is saying specifically that you have the right to say “I don’t care ABOUT BEING PERFECT"

If you fall into the trap of pretending you care about being perfect, and then are not perfect, you will be forced to reconcile your behavior through excuses, or essentially DEER.

Just choose to care about what you want, rather than being perfect by anyone else’s standards

The manipulation produced by believing you should want to improve yourself can be the subtlest and hardest to handle. The only sure way to halt it is to ask yourself:
1. Am I satisfied with my own performance?
2. Then make your own judgement on whether YOU want to change


How to distinguish between your own desire and manipulation: break your internal conflict into one of three categories:
1. I want
2. I have to
3. I should

“I have to” follows “I want”. In other words, if you WANT something, there are certain things you HAVE to do to get it. You simply decide if the “I want” is worth the “I have to”.

“I should” is either
1. Arbitrary structure other people use to get you to fulfill their “I want”, or
2. Arbitrary structure you use to deal with anxiety about what you “can” or “can’t” do

If you hear the word "SHOULD", extend your anti-manipulative antennae and listen carefully for the “you are not your own judge” message that follows



========FOUR========

The first thing to learn in being assertive: Persistence

Substitute verbal persistence for silent passivity

Both are important in living assertively:
- Assertive Rights (bill of assertive rights)
- Assertive Behavior (systematic skills)

-----------The systematic skill of BROKEN RECORD----------

Broken Record
- A skill that by calm repetition- saying what you want over and over again- teaches persistence without you having to rehearse arguments or angry feelings beforehand, in order to be "up for" dealing with others
- Clinical effect after practice: Allows you to feel comfortable in ignoring manipulative verbal side traps, argumentative baiting, and irrelevant logic, all while sticking to your desired point

One of the most important aspects of being verbally assertive is to:
- be persistent
- keep saying what you want, over and over again, without getting:
   - angry
   - irritated
   - loud

Non-assertive people tend to:
- get bogged down in excess verbiage
- give up easily when people:
   - tell them “why”
   - show them “logically”
   - give them “reasons” why you can’t do what you want to do

To become assertive, you must not:
- give reasons
- give excuses
- give explanations as to why you want what you want

BROKEN RECORD means:
- be persistent
- stick to the point
- keep saying what you want to say
- ignore all the side issues they bring up


Why do you lose arguments? Because you give up when you hear “No”. You give up too easily. Exhaust the “No’s”.

People have the compulsive habit of:
- answering all questions
- responding to any statement
... this is based on the false and childish belief that, when someone else talks to us:
   - we SHOULD have an answer
   - we SHOULD respond specifically to whatever the other person says

------------WORKABLE COMPROMISE------------

Workable Compromise
- In using your verbal assertive skills, it is practical, whenever you feel your self respect is in question, to offer a Workable Compromise to the other person.
- You can always bargain for your material goods UNLESS the compromise affects your personal feeling of self respect.
- IF the end goal involves a matter of your self worth, however, there can be NO COMPROMISE.

True self respect has priority over everything.
- IF you use assertive skills, THEN you will feel good about yourself
   - Feeling good about yourself is a major goal of being assertive
      1. Feeling good about yourself makes you more assertive
      2. Being more assertive makes you feel even better about yourself
      3. It’s a positive feedback loop

What if someone else...
- doesn’t give in?
- is assertive back to me?
Answer...
1. Keep your self respect
2. Find a workable compromise

------------

There are situations where being assertive just may not be the answer:
- preexisting structure (there actually is external structure in place for someone to appeal to) such as
   - business contracts
   - legal situations
- physical danger (getting mugged)


=============FIVE=============

Assertive Social conversation and communication.

Being assertive allows you to discover the basis of a real personal connection with other people. Being non-assertive prevents this discovery.

The conversational skills of following up:
- FREE INFORMATION (they reveal information to you)
- SELF DISCLOSURE (you reveal information to them)
... these are two sides of the same coin
... they should be evenly balanced in conversation

-FREE INFORMATION -

Free Information (Conversational skill)
- A skill that teaches the recognition of simple cues given by a social partner in everyday conversation to indicate what is interesting or important to that person
- Clinical effect after practice: Allows you to feel less shy in entering into conversation while at the same time prompting social partners to talk more easily about themselves

-SELF DISCLOSURE

Self-Disclosure (Conversational skill)
- A skill that teaches the acceptance and initiation of discussion of both the positive and negative aspects of your personality, behavior, lifestyle, intelligence, to enhance social communication and reduce manipulation
- Clinical effect after practice: Allows you to comfortably disclose aspects of yourself and your life that previously caused you feelings of ignorance, anxiety, or guilt

One way to stop manipulation: Disclosing your own worries to other people

You must respect your own feelings EVEN IF they are irrational.
1. We seldom respect our own feelings of worry and uncertainty
2. This gives people the opportunity to convince you that you SHOULD not feel a certain way
3. Disclose your feelings AND your acceptance of your own feelings
4. “Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t feel that way, but I do”


-MAKE EYE CONTACT-

An important part of assertive behavior: Eye to eye contact

The aim of assertiveness: present yourself as:
- self assured
- adept in dealing with other people
- confident
...none of this will happen if you’re showing anxiety cues

Lack of eye contact - and other anxiety cues- are LEARNED avoidance responses. How this came about:
1. Eye contact in interactions
2. Conflict arose
3. You dealt with it poorly (i.e. non-assertively)
4. That person made you anxious
5. Now, you associate eye contact with anxiety
6. Avoiding eye contact reduces anxiety
7. Avoiding eye contact becomes a habit

The cure is simple. Practice eye contact and be assertive. The habit will break.


=========SIX==========

Assertively coping with the great manipulator: Criticism

There are two major results when we systematically assert ourselves:
1. Practicing these skills can minimize our typical negative emotional response of anxiety from criticism
- whether it's real or imagined
- whether it's self directed or from someone else
2. Practicing these skills cuts our learned emotional puppet strings:
- the ones that make us automatically react- perhaps even panic- to criticism from others
- the learned anxiety triggered by criticism which allows us to be manipulated into:
	- defending what we want
	- instead of doing what we want


This internal change in our emotional reaction and attitude occurs with REPEATED PRACTICE of these skills
- this is a clinically observed fact and not a theoretical assumption
- it doesn't really matter "why" it works
- regardless of "why", the net effect is that:
	- we feel less at war with ourselves, and thus
	- more comfortable about the negative as well as positive aspects of our personalities

-----------------

Why people use Criticism

Criticism occurs because a non-assertive person believes their own wants must be:
- justified
- reasonable
- must "hold up in court"

So to get someone else to do something, the non-assertive person must:
1. impose their own
	- non-assertive
	- arbitrary
	- manipulative
	structure on the other person and
2. criticize the other person for not behaving according with it

When faced with this manipulative criticism, we usually
1. become defensive
2. deny the criticism

TO DEFEND YOURSELF AGAINST MANIPULATIVE CRITICISM IS TO ACCEPT THE ARBITRARY STRUCTURE IT IMPLIES... which means you've already lost

When you are criticized and defend yourself, you are accepting:
- an arbitrary right-wrong structure
- that you deviated from this right-wrong structure
- that the criticism is relevant
- that you are in the wrong
- that you SHOULD change your behavior accordingly

Since we have been trained to feel
- anxious
- nervous
- guilty
when we make mistakes (mistakes are "wrong"), we react to criticism with
- logic
- argument
- counter criticism
so that we won't be "wrong"

This "trained seal" denial response to non-assertive criticism creates a cycle of more criticism -> more denial -> more criticism... and it ends in fights, walking out, or both.

-------------------------

When faced with criticism, some other coping style besides
- defensiveness
- denial of error that is
	- real
	- imagined
	- suggested
Is required for the relationship to be less destructive for both partners

A kind of behavior that would
- effectively
- assertively
- non-manipulatively
cope with criticism would contain the following elements:
1. It would train you to distinguish between
	- truths about your behavior, and
	- arbitrary right and wrong that people attach to truths about your behavior through
		- implication
		- suggestion
2. It would train you to feel comfortable under criticism
	- someone tells you a truth about your behavior, and
 	- they imply "right and wrong" through a critical tone, but
	- you feel comfortable enough to
		- only respond to the facts
		- ignore the implication of wrongdoing
3. It would train you to feel comfortable when
	- your behavior is interpreted as wrong within someone's arbitrary structure, and
	- you feel comfortable enough to
		- not automatically accept the arbitrary structure
		- inquire into the arbitrary structure
		- ask what is wrong with your behavior, thus
			- extinguishing the use of manipulative structure
			- prompting the other person to state what they actually want
4. It would train you to distinguish between
	- truths that other people tell you about your
		- errors
		- mistakes
	- arbitrary right and wrong that people attach to your
		- errors
		- mistakes
5. It would train you to feel comfortable about your errors
	- Errors are
		- inefficient
		- wasteful
		- sometimes unproductive
		- stupid
		- usually in need of revision
... But errors have NOTHING to do with "right and wrong"

The behavior described above comprises Fogging, Negative Inquiry, and Negative Assertion

--------------The systematic skill of FOGGING-------------------

Fogging
- A skill that teaches acceptance of manipulative criticism by calmly acknowledging to your critic the probability that there may be some truth in what they say, yet allows you to remain the judge of what you do
- Clinical effect after practice: Allows you to receive criticism comfortably without becoming anxious or defensive, while giving no reward to those using manipulative criticism

Agreeing with critical truths… and still doing what you want
Agreeing in principle with logical criticism… and still doing what you want
Agreeing with the odds that you will fail… and still doing what you want

When dealing with manipulative criticism:
- Don't deny any criticism
- Don't get defensive
- Don't counterattack with criticism
... instead, reply as if you were a "fog bank"

Features of a fog bank
- it is very persistent
- you cannot see through it
- it offers no resistance
- it does not fight back
- if you throw stones, the stones just disappear
- inevitably, people give up trying to alter a fog bank

Methods of fogging:
- Agreeing with truth
	- agree with any truth in critical statements
	- "yes, you're right"
- Agreeing in principle
	- agree with any general truth in logical statements
	- "yes, that makes sense"
- Agreeing with the odds
	- agree with any possible truth in critical statements
	- "yes, that could happen"

Fogging teaches you to
- respond to what is actually said and...
	- not what is implied
	- not try to read minds
	- not interpret what is said to conform to your
		- self doubts
		- insecurities
- be a good listener
- think in terms of probabilities (what you would be willing to bet money on)
	- not in absolutes
	- not in black or white
	- not in 100/0

Fogging lets you look at your own qualities...
- the ones you have doubts about
	- without feeling insecure
		- and lets you say "so what? I can still be effective and happy"

The systematic PRACTICE of fogging provides what cognitive UNDERSTANDING (knowing you can agree with your critic) does not- the reduction of conditioned, gut-twisting anxiety in response to the stimulus of personal criticism


-----------The systematic skill of NEGATIVE ASSERTION--------------

Asserting your negative points: What you can do when you are 100% in error

Negative Assertion
- A skill that teaches acceptance of your errors and faults (without having to apologize) by strongly and sympathetically agreeing with hostile or constructive criticism of your negative qualities
- Clinical effect after practice: Allows you to look more comfortably at negatives in your own behaviors or personality without feeling defensive and anxious, or resorting to denial of real error, while at the same time reducing your critic's anger or hostility

How to deal assertively with errors in your life:
1. learn to change your verbal behavior first
2. which changes your trained belief that MISTAKE = GUILT

IF you are non-assertive in dealing with your own mistakes
THEN you can be manipulated by non-assertive people using your
- guilt
- anxiety
... which will make you
	1. seek forgiveness for the error and try to make up for it, or
	2. deny the error through
		- defensiveness
		- counter-criticism
			... which just gives your critic a punching bag

-----------------

How Belief Changes...
1. As with most beliefs we learned in childhood, few of us can change our beliefs that errors are wrong (e.g. we are guilty) simply by thinking about it
2. We must first change our verbal coping behavior when confronted with an error so that we can emotionally desensitize ourselves to criticism
3. Once this emotional change is accomplished through behavior change, the childish belief of guilt through error will automatically change
4. It is difficult to maintain a negative belief about yourself when it is no longer supported by feeling rotten about yourself as a result

Summary of belief change process: Behavioral changes (verbal assertiveness) -> Emotional changes (guilt fades) -> Belief changes (errors are not wrong)

-----------------

How to assertively deal with errors:
1. you treat errors AS errors- nothing more, nothing less
2. you accept the things that are negative about yourself

An error is not a moral failure, so guilt does not apply to errors

-----------------

Coping with compliments or criticism: They are no different when you are assertive
- difficulty in accepting compliments does not come from modesty
- it has roots in the childish behavior that other people are the real judges of our actions
- if you are your own judge, compliments and criticism don't phase you

=========SEVEN========

Prompting people you care about to be more assertive and less manipulative towards you

Pros of Fogging...
- it's good for formal and commercial relationships
- it's good for people you are not close to
- it's very effective for
	- desensitizing you to criticism
	- reducing the frequency of criticism
- it rapidly sets up psychological distance and boundary lines

Cons of Fogging...
- it does not prompt the other person to be assertive
- assertiveness is what you want in relationships
- this is where negative inquiry comes in...

-------------The systematic skill of NEGATIVE INQUIRY------------

Assertively inquiring about yourself and what you do: How this eliminates right and wrong statements used to control your behavior

Negative Inquiry
- A skill that teaches the active prompting of criticism in order to use the information (if helpful) or exhaust it (if manipulative) while prompting your critic to be more assertive, less dependent on manipulative ploys
- Clinical effect after practice: Allows you to more comfortably seek out criticism about yourself in close relationships while prompting the other person to express honest negative feelings and improve communications

When you use Negative Inquiry, you do not respond to critics with
- denial
- defensiveness
- counter-manipulation
- criticism of your own
Instead
- you break the cycle by actively prompting MORE criticism
- you prompt for MORE information about how you were wrong
- you ask for MORE things about you that are negative
- stay unemotional and low-key

Here is the point of asking for MORE:
1. you force the other person to examine their own arbitrary right/wrong structure
2. they are unable to justify their arbitrary right/wrong structure
3. they eventually just assert what they actually want
4. you listen to what they want and reach a Workable Compromise

Key distinction: do not make this personal
- Do inquire about the belief structure (what makes my behavior wrong)
- Do not inquire about other person (why do YOU think I'm wrong)

Negative Inquiry can easily become sarcasm. Don't get personal.


=============EIGHT===========

Everyday commercial situations- dialogues

=============NINE============

Everyday authority situations- dialogues

=============TEN=============

Everyday equal relationships - dialogues

============ELEVEN===========

Really close equal relationships - dialogues