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What They Dont Tell You

AzureFemme Oct 16th, 2019 188 Never
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  1. What they don't tell you is that
  2. It isn't just your gender
  3. Sure that seems hard enough
  4. Change your name, change your pronouns
  5. Grow some tits, shave your face,
  6. razor nicks on your neck giving you away
  7. Actually, it's ma'am, a dozen times a day
  8. Coming home at night and wondering if you'll ever be enough
  9.  
  10. They tell you all those parts
  11. They prepare you for the worst
  12. What they don't tell you about
  13. is the freedom
  14. Like stepping outside the first time since being given glasses
  15. Looking at the vague shapes of trees and seeing for the first time
  16. that they're made of hundreds of leaves
  17. Like running through the house as a child with all my birthday balloons and they surrounded me
  18. and there was a magical moment where I felt something, a joy and painful longing,
  19. And I spent the afternoon trying to recreate the sensation but never could
  20.  
  21. They don't tell you about becoming a person
  22. Not a woman but a person
  23. About what it feels like to suddenly care
  24. About having opinions instead of apathy
  25. About joy bursts out of you like fireworks
  26.  
  27. They don't tell you that you'll look around the world and see so many rules binding us all
  28. And maybe once they seemed like chains
  29. But now they seem more like tripwire
  30. Tense and brittle
  31. A fragile spider web of control
  32. And you say to yourself
  33. I've already broken so many
  34. Why should I stop there
  35.  
  36. They don't tell you about family
  37. About the familiar nod from a six foot tall girl in a choker at the board game store
  38. About the burst of pride at seeing the scars on a friend's bare chest as he goes shirtless for the first time
  39. About fighting tooth and nail for partner's pronouns when they can't themself, your love a fierce mantra. They them. They them. They them.
  40.  
  41. They dont tell you about coming home from that world full of brittle strings
  42. to a home full of gentle words.
  43. About hand me down dresses that fit you better than anything in the store.
  44. About a lover stitching your new name on your Christmas stocking
  45. About your spouse by your hospital bedside, sneaking you frappuccinos and fries as you lie in a percocet haze,
  46. your crotch now matching your life, flipped inside out
  47.  
  48. What they don't tell you
  49. Is the realization that your life is yours
  50. And the fear and the power
  51. Of making decisions for yourself
  52. No longer a passenger but behind the wheel
  53. Driving off for who knows where
  54. But enjoying the ride on the way there
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