For Jon

For one - - I’ll apologize for this being so long. I also know that you mentioned before that you prefer it if serious talks were done face to face, or at least over the phone. So I’m sorry that this isn’t, I collect my thoughts better when I can write them and I express myself easier this way.

I mentioned it briefly the other day, but it was obvious that you were distracted and you didn’t really seem engaged as I felt like you probably should have been. I didn’t want to make a big deal of it though, my main purpose for wanting to talk that night was to just express to you how I felt and hope that maybe doing so you would make an attempt to be more social with me. Maybe not right away but at least try to pick it up a bit more. And I just told myself that if not, I’ll give it a bit before having a more serious talk about it.

I was fine until the other night. The night after that you and I had that talk, I actually went to bed really upset that night for a couple of reasons. One of them was that I made an attempt to reach out to spend time with you and you didn’t really seem like you cared. You were just indifferent to it and I basically just got a “maybe we’ll see” type of response. That was upsetting but even more so was that despite your indifference, I told you that I missed spending time with you, in hopes to get something from you, anything from you that hinted that you did care still. And what I got instead? Nothing. Just absolute no reply to that, even though it was still early and you were still awake for a few hours. That made me feel like complete shit. And it made me feel even more that you didn’t care. Not enough to say it back or to even have any kind of reaction.

I knew then that I was going to have to talk to you soon again. I planned on originally just taking a day to myself, to clear my head and then I’d message you. I was going to talk to you about it yesterday but I ended up just spending the day with Aleks instead and I wasn’t really up for a serious talk myself. Plus it was nice having a distraction from how down I’ve been feeling.

I was ready to basically suggest that we end this. I was hurt, upset and to be honest, a bit mad. The situation was just reminding me of the one I was in with my ex, and I really did not want another repeat of that. It really hurt that it felt like you were doing the same thing to me, especially since you were the last person I would ever imagine doing that to me. I know that you had said that you didn’t mean to pull away, that you hadn’t lost interest, but there comes a point where you can’t really ignore that actions speak louder than words. You could say it until your face turned blue, but they would still be a bit meaningless if your actions did the opposite from proving they were true. I was starting to just think that you just didn’t want to admit that you had lost interest and that you didn’t really want me anymore. The last thing that I wanted was to feel like I was wasting my time with another guy that didn’t really seem to care. Especially since you and I aren’t even official, and it definitely wasn’t something that I wanted to build a potential relationship around. So I was ready to strongly suggest that we end it, and then in the future if we both still wanted to, we could come back and try again.

Now, that’s still a suggestion if you feel like that’s best, but I no longer felt as strongly about it. Mostly because I had some time to myself to really think about the situation and to really try to figure out why all of a sudden you pulled away so much. You went from basically making it known that you wanted to spend as much time with me that was possible, to basically acting like you didn’t care to spend any time with me, or to even talk or reply to me. Even the last two days, we basically went all day both days without talking; because I didn’t message you first and it just didn’t affect you to the point where you messaged me first.

But like I said, I started to really think more into the matter and I feel like I might know what’s been going on. Granted, I don’t know this for sure, this is just an assumption, and if it’s true, it would be nice if you could confirm it. Looking back, it was around the time that you lost your job where you started to slowly pull back from me; which at the time I had just honestly assumed that maybe you were enjoying the extra free time you had to play your game, etc. Then I also got my sleep schedule flipped around during that time too, so then I was just thinking it was a combination of both. The I recalled that that was also around the same time that you were also really worried about failing your calculus class for the entire semester and having that set you back on your plans to transfer. And then I just start thinking like, what if you’re just that stressed out? And that maybe instead of just wanting to deal with that stress, that’s why you kind of let yourself get lost in GTA; even to the point where you’re neglecting me. I don’t know if that’s the case, but it makes sense to me. Which is understandable if it is the case and I’ll understand if it is. Though – I don’t think even then it’s a complete excuse for how you’ve been pulling away from me with no explanation, it’s enough to make me more patient of it. As long as you’re willing to work with me on it. I don’t want to sit here and say that you have to, cause you don’t. I’m not your girlfriend and truthfully, you don’t owe me anything like that. If it’s easier and less stressful for you to just end things right now, we can. We can come back together in the future when you’re more ready if we both still want that, or not, that’s fine too. But if you don’t want to end it and you do want to continue with us, then I do need to see some effort from you. I can’t continue this feeling like it’s so one sided and feeling like you don’t care.

You don’t have to reply to this right away, reply when you feel up to it. As long as I’m awake, I’ll be up to talking about it. But when you do reply, when we do talk, I would like it if you weren’t distracted by GTA and I actually have your attention. I deserve at least that.