Goodbye, from your friend.

i don't want to write columbine related fiction anymore. it is a source of shame for me.

i am depressed because of it. i am anxious because of it. i am shameful of my writing because of it.

i used to imagine myself as an author, as someone who could capture emotions and create poetry of it. but now all i feel is dread as i watch your suggestions and questions pile up in my email inbox. i cannot fulfil them, i do not want to fulfil them. it upsets me.

i liked to pretend eric harris and dylan klebold were characters. characters i could change, manipulate, insert with no cares or worries of how they would be perceived.

but i realise now that is a sham. an excuse to commit gross indecency to those who lost their lives on the 20th april 1999.

my mother would have been the same age as me at the time. was her immediate thought in awe of the two gunmen? no. it was sorrow. sorrow that so many lives had been cut short, unrealised.

i have met some fantastic, kind, wonderful people in my time writing for this barbaric farce. i want them to find and accept help, but, i am an outlier in terms of the remorse i feel.

this may change very little minds. my departure and works will become nothing but a memory for many of you. but please, find something else to occupy your time. i understand you, i was you. i know what it feels like to take solace in this community. we are lovely people. but you'll find yourself finding more excuses, becoming more secretive. you won't live your life without thinking of those two murderers.

the sexualisation of dylan klebold was the final straw for myself. he was 17. a minor. a child. even a cruel heartless man such as that deserves a form of dignity after death.

eric harris would not have cared about you. seeing yourself in him is not a good thing, i implore you to seek help. i can only hope that coming from someone you know helps more than faceless people on the internet. i may be as faceless as the rest of them.

tap on the victims tab on the top of a columbine site. read their stories. understand the pain they felt. kelly was alive in that library after she was shot. you could hear her crying for help on the 911 call. matt carmichael cannot sleep at night as all he can think of is her crying for help.

you're not a columbine rebel. you're an isolated child, with no real life outside of one of the worst days in living history. parents want their children to come home.

i want you to come home. to find something else to adore and idolize before it's too late. i've lost friends because of the columbine rabbit hole, some have been evil enough to take others with them in their departure. i do not want to see that happen to you.

if you want to talk. if you would like to speak to me to ask for help, or call me a traitorous judas for deleting my columbine writing, my email is ******* . i will not reveal your personal details to anyone, i will listen. i will try to help. but the first step is yours, and yours alone.