Second Chances Chapter 3 - Pinkie Pie

>You wake up sore as you feel your various bodily fluids return to your torso from your extremities. When Twilight asked Spike to prepare the guest bed, you expected something more than a pony-sized air mattress up in a loft where your hosts slept.
>You’re a bit larger than a pony.
>Hey, fucknut. Feed me.
>Yeah, yeah, I hear you stomach.
>You didn’t exactly take to the daisy salad you were offered last night. Twilight apologized, said that’s the best she’s got, but she said in the morning she would take you to get something more substantial…wait, where is she?
>You lean over the loft as you hear the door open and shut. Twilight walks in, a bag of who-knows-what levitating behind her in what looks like a shimmering purple haze. Spike trots happily behind her.
>Ok…magic. Whatever, at least the ponies don’t fly.
>Twilight looks up at you with a welcoming smile. “Oh, good morning Anon. I thought before I took you to eat, we should get you something better to wear, I figured from that wrap you’re the kind of pony who preferred clothing. Sorry, I had to take your measurements while you slept, but my friend Rarity made you some simple clothes that should fit your form loosely.”
>She levitates a simple white shirt and a pair of blue material pants up to you. As you pull the shirt on, you’re surprised to find it fits fairly well.
“Thank you, Twilight. Your measurements must have been pre-“
>Where’s your kilt?
>Why do these pants fit so well?
>PENIS, REPORT.
>Nothing to report down here sir, just the standard morning wood.
>Sir, it’s the jimmies. We’re prepared to rustle at a moment’s notice.
>Standby, jimmies.
“Twi…just how exact ARE your measurements?”
>”Oh, I was pretty thorough. Can’t have you in ill-fitting garments. That reminds me, I meant to ask you, would you say that your genitals are of average size for your species?”
>…Jimmies, commence rustling.
>Yes sir. Rustling pattern whiskey tango foxtrot engaged.
“Um…a little above average, I suppose.” Yeah, that’s the ticket.
>Sliding your pants on, you find there’s an extra loop in it as you cinch it tight with the conveniently-placed cinch-string. Picking up the rustpoker, you find it slide into the loop and rests at the hilt. God, sometimes you just love plot conveniences.
>You descend to the ground floor, Spike eyeing you up and down as Twi motions you to follow her back out the door, looking up from a parchment where you assume she’s keeping notes about you.
>Brain, take a note: read what the hell she’s writing about you.
>”You know, you’re not as ugly when I can’t see so much of your freaky, hairless hide.” Damn, for a little dude, Spike sure is blunt.
“You know, you should try ending your sentences about halfway through.”
>The banter continues as Spike hitches a ride on your shoulders, you too busy trading barbs with him to care. Twilight rolls her eyes as she tunes it out, the various hustle and bustle of the morning crowds stopping to stare at the bipedal freak roaming through town with the resident librarian.
>Well, at least nobody is panicking yet.
>Before you know it, you find yourself standing in front of what has to be the most mind-boggling building you have ever seen.
>”Anon, welcome to Sugarcube Corner.”
“It’s a giant cupcake.”
>”One of the best places to eat in town! One of my best friends works here.”
>You step inside with some trepidation, resisting your stomach’s insistence to take a bite out of the walls. Inside, it looks like an average pastry shop. You relax a little, standing in what must be the most normal place you’ve seen so far.
>A bouncing pink tornado that boings with a strange squeaking sound suddenly appears in front of you. Your jimmies hit the nitrous.
>”TWILIGHT! Is this him? Is this the thing you told me about?!”
>Oh god, it’s a cheerleader. You hate cheerleaders.
>”His name is Anonymous, Pinkie. Anon, this is Pinkie Pie.”
“Charmed.”
>Pinkie smiles so wide it has it’s own sound effect, like a rubber duck. “OH! Yeah, you’re a…a…human, right? Twilight said that’s what you called yourself! You’re the first human I’ve ever seen. Are they all as tall as you are? Is it true you wear pants? It IS!”
>Why, God? Why? Please, make it stop.
>God has no mercy on you as Pinkie continues. “Anon, you’re my new friend! And as my new friend, the first cupcake is on me!”
>As you snap back to attention at the mention of cupcake, Pinkie stomps on your foot. Instead of screaming in pain, you feel nothing at all as your head snaps back, your mouth opening like a rusty hinge. Feeling a bit like a pez dispenser, Pinkie stuffs a cupcake she got from who-knows-where and lets off your foot, closing your head.
>This is the most delicious thing you have ever tasted.
>PINKIE PIE IS YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND.
>Glad you approve, Stomach.
>You aren’t sure how long you sit in that shop, eating just as many pastry delights as Pinkie Pie forces down your gullet. Meanwhile, between excited utterances and the occasional application of the Heimlich, Twilight gives you the rundown of Equestria, p0nies, the princesses, magic, her studies and so on.
“Wait, so there are p0nies who fly?”
>Twilight giggles a little. “Of course there are, silly.”
>pokerface.jpg
>”Oh, that reminds me. Pinkie, can you take him around town and introduce him to everyp0ny else? I have something I need to do.” Twilight eyes the rusty sword hanging silently from your hip.
>To say Pinkie agreed was an understatement. You’re surprised nothing got broken in her exuberance.
>Twilight speaks up again. ”Say, anon…can I borrow that sword? You said Zecora told you to keep it, but it just looks like a junky old artifact. I wanted to see if I can discover more about it.”
>You’re not sure how to respond. Even as a rust stick that could barely cut rotten cloth, having it with you has presented a strange sense of security in this unknown place. Twilight must have sensed your unease as she puts a hoof on top of your hand. “Don’t worry Anon, you’re perfectly safe in Ponyville. Nobody here will hurt you.”
>Damn Twi, you perceptive.
“I..suppose so.” You draw the decrepit blade and offer it to Twilight, who takes it up in a magic field. She goes to say something, but Pinkie is so busy pulling you out the door and squealing in your ears, you don’t know what it is she said.
>Hey brain, where did Spike go?
>Don’t know, don’t care.
>Word.
>Pinkie hops around you like a squirrel on crack. “OH! I need to introduce you to every pony! There’s Cloudchaser and Cherilee and Scootaloo and Berry Punch and Derpy and…”
>True to her word, that’s what you spend the rest of the day doing. Pinkie Pie takes you to meet every. Single. Pony. In. Ponyville. Well, not counting the lunch break. Got a nice, normal salad.
>The sun was beginning to sink as the two of you continued on your trek. “Only four more ponies to meet!” Pinkie says in her now-normal squee. “I saved the best for last!”
“The best, huh?” You sound as tired as your still-bare feet are.
>”Yeppers, my best friends! You already met Twilight, so we can skip her, but that still leaves Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash!”
>Only four ponies left? This should be easy.