The Night Larfleeze stole Christmas
It was one week before Christmas; it’s been years since that time Larfleeze was told Santa wasn’t real, for him it become a time of dread, no one should take his beloved possessions from him again, his only company were his constructs/”fellow Orange Lanterns”
That’s it, until he heard someone knocking at his door
“WHO DARES TO TOUCH MY DOOR? I WON’T GIVE YOU MY MONEY NOR MY THINGS, I’VE ALREADY KILLED 3 PEOPLE LOOKING FOR CHARITY” Larfleeze exclaimed with bewilderment then ordered his constructs to check
Outside of his house, a certain green lantern said “Cousin, is me, got you a present”
“G’nort, is that you?  Get in; just don’t use my chairs THOSE ARE MINE, AND GIVE ME MY GIFT” if there’s 2 things that Larfleeze loves, is new stuffs; and to a lesser extent spending time with family
“’ere you go” said the dog looking creature while handing a bag “heard that you can make a great soup with those, or perhaps turn them into gold”
“…You got me at gold”
Inside the bag there was a weird creature, it was dressed in green and had a beard
“UNTIE ME RIGHT NOW, YOU MUTT, SANTA NEEDS TO HEAR AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE” the creature was obviously mad, who knows how long has been since G’nort put him in the sack
“You dumb talking gold, there’s no Santa, I’ve known that for years, Christmas is the time of the year others try to steal from you”
“Oh for fucks sake: do you really expect Hal Jordan, IQ of a guacamole, to be right about anything? The idiot could never see what’s in front of him even if you pointed it with a neon sign”
Larfleeze was confused, how this creature knew it was a Green Lantern that told him about Santa being a story?
“Alright, start talking; if you have proofs that what you say it’s true then I’m not going to turn you into gold… yet”
“Or soup!” G’nort added
“I’m Joe Langrim, a loyal gnome to Santa, the North Pole, and the world itself, I need to bring him an important message: Christmas is in danger a traitor is trying to steal the gifts this year”
“But I’ve been in the North Pole and I found no secret factory, nor reindeers, and definitively I didn’t see the Jolly Old Fat Bastard anywhere”
The gnome extended his hand “You need a Christmas Ring to be able to…”
Joe was unable to finish his phrase before Larfleeze tried to steal the ring “GIVE IT TO ME, MY TICKET TO ALL MY DENIED GIFTS IS IN YOUR HANDS, GIVE IT WILLINGLY BEFORE I CUT YOUR HANDS BEFORE I TURN THEM INTO MINE”
“IT’S NOT GOING TO WORK, MY RING IS BROKEN” Joe screamed, exasperated because all the nonsense “That’s the only reason the stupid dog was even able to capture me”
“If you aren’t useful to find the fat bastard, then you are more useful as gold”
“I’m gonna put the pot to boil!” G’nort was really happy
“WAIT, PLEASE DON’T KILL ME, I KNOW HOW TO FIX IT, I WILL EVEN TELL THE OLD MAN TO ADD YOU TO THE NICE LIST”
“THEN KEEP TALKING YOU STUPID RAT”
“You need to give a gift that someone you know needs and give to someone you don’t know what they want”
“…I swear if you are lying I’m going to turn you into gold or soup”
“I’ve an idea, cousin let’s go to the hypermarket”
After a while in the supermarket, G’nort knew perfectly who needed a gift and what to give
“…are you sure this is the best model you have?” asked G’nort to the seller
“The very absolute best”
“Very well, send it to Kyle Rayner’s house” G’nort turned back to Larfleeze “this is going to work, he will love his new fridge, it even came with some free bread”
“That still doesn’t cover the second part, G’nort”
“We will find somethin’ cousin, know we’ll”
Various days passed without finding someone, until the morning of the 23th
“…I really should have asked someone else for help rather than those 2 idiots”
“Excuse me” a fat hobo tried to call the attention from the group
“I NEED TO FIND SOMEONE I DON’T KNOW”
“Excuse me”
“AND I NEED TO FIND SOMETHING THAT PERSON WANTS”
“Excuse me!”
“WHAT DO YOU WANT? WE ARE BUSY”
“Can I have some of that bread?” the hobo asked
“WHAT? YOU EXPECT ME TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING THAT’S MINE? I DON’T EVEN KNOW… Wait a second, G’nort, give me your bread”
“Sure thing, Cousin” G’nort said while handing the bread to Larfleeze
“Here you go, you fat bastard, merry Christmas”
“Merry Christmas to you too”
“Well, that should be enough, right? I swear if you tricked me I’m still going to kill you”
“YES, IT’S WORKING, QUICK NOW, WE NEED TO ARRIVE TO THE NORTH POLE BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE”
The group arrived just the morning of the 24th to the North Pole
“QUICK GNOME, SHOW US THE FACTORY AND EVERYTHING”
“Right on it” Joe proceeded to recite his oath
“In Joyful Day, In Merry Night
No one ever leaves our sight
For those that just do the right
Enjoy your presents, for Christmas night”
Suddenly, the desolate ice turned into a livelier place, there was reindeers and songs, there was toys and gnomes, there was factories everywhere, but more importantly there was a joyful fat guy
“Alright, I already checked the list and everything should be in order unless something happens right now” Santa said, still unaware that visitors arrived… but not for long “…oh no, not you”
“SANTA, I NEED A SERIOUS EXPLANATION”
“What my cousin is trying to say is that our friend has a message for you”
“Larfleeze, G’nort, thanks for helping me get back… NOW I WILL FINALLY GONNA HAVE MY REVENGE” Joe said while attacking Santa with what appeared to be a construct, it formed a cage with candy canes, but they become completely solid after a while
“Joe! I told you very well you got banished from getting back to the North Pole until you changed your ways” Santa was obviously furious seeing the gnome, but kept his calm
“Changing my ways? Just for thinking that we should punish those on the Naughty list with jail and torture? If anything now I also think we should take all the gifts for ourselves, which reminds me, this is MINE” Joe said while taking the bag with all the gifts
“YOU LEARNED NOTHING, YOU MONSTER” Santa finally screamed out of anger, Joe was even worse than the last time they saw each other
“I NEED MY EXPLANATION NOW” Larfleeze yelled
“Larfleeze, I’m sorry I never went to your home, but it doesn’t really has an address, and you have mostly been on the naughty list ever since you arrived here, but right now there’s a more important matter: Joe is going to ruin Christmas for everyone by stealing all the presents, including yours”
“Including yours” those two words kept repeating on the mind of the beautiful Orange Lantern, this was the point he finally snapped
“OH THAT’S IT YOU STUPID GNOME, YOU CAN TRICK ME, YOU CAN TAKE REVENGE ON SANTA BEFORE ME, BUT NO ONE, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE TAKES WHAT IS MINE” Larfleeze started to summon as many of his Orange lanterns as he could, but they were outmatched by the Christmas ring
“Well, tell me what your greedy asshole can do against the power of Christmas spirit? You are unable to do anything altruistic unless there’s a selfish reason; you are as corrupted as I”
“Maybe I can’t defeat you, maybe the fat bastard can’t either, but there is someone else here, DO IT, G’NORT”
G’nort was flying ready to attack Joe, so ready he didn’t realize of the yellow paint near, he ended up crashing over the gnome, knocking him over
“PERFECT, NOW JUMP INSIDE THE BAG” Larfleeze gave the order and shortly after that G’nort complied “SO LONG SUCKERS, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME” Larfleeze has never felt this happy before, not that is hard to understand, he was stealing the bag of gifts from the fat bastard himself
Cue Christmas morning, Larfleeze and G’nort wake up to check the bag, only to find it almost empty, just 2 letters, some gifts, and a bag that the both of them have seen before
“THAT’S IT? THAT WAS ALL THE GIFTS FOR THIS YEAR?” Larfleeze was mad, he tried to unwrap one of his presents but the wrap just kept growing back so he decided to open one of the letters
-Dear Larfleeze
Thanks for helping to recover the gifts, I noticed when you 2 were tired once you arrived to your home, so I decided to not disturb you, your gifts are here, you can unwrap them now, you will be able to see the other letter once you open everything
-Merry Christmas
Larfleeze was mad but after all that bullshit and what happened years ago he didn’t feel as defeated
First package was for both Larfleeze and G’nort: a bunch of coal
Second one was for G’nort, a bunch of spices
Third one was for Larfleeze a kit to manipulate minerals
Last one was inside the bag, it was Joe tied up, alive, but obviously scared out of his mind
“THAT’S IT? WEE DID ALL OF THAT FOR THIS?”
“Wait, you forgot the other letter, cousin”
“…Guess might as well check it”
-Recipe to turn gnomes into soup and gold
(The steps can only to be seen by Larfleeze and G’nort, no one else)
-from the Joyful Old Hobo, thanks for the bread the other day
“THANK YOU FAT BASTARD, MERRY CHRISTMAS”
“…MOMMY!” those were the last recorded words of Joe Langrim
The End

Hope you all had as much fun reading this as I had writing it, I know it’s not great but it could have been way worse, but why I feel like I’m forgetting somet… oh

On Kyle Rayner’s apartment
“Wait, a bill? a delivery? But I didn’t buy anything”
Kyle proceed to open the giant box
“…GET THIS THING AWAY FROM ME”

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