I don't think any of this was a good idea we said and did things like a pair of little kids innocently imagining their future inseparable from the ignorance of their life experience. All of this was fashioned so idealistically to an almost immeasurable extent. When put into practical effect, it's clear to me that whatever rose-colored glasses I had disappeared. I don't think we were looking for each other I think we were looking for somebody to be our lover. I'm not looking for a rolemate; I'm trying to find my soulmate. In the midst of our desperate search we grasped and clung onto something that could and will never work. The entire us dating facade was just loneliness personified and masquerading through a single feeble connection that inevitably would be discarded the moment either of us found something real. Maybe you wanted something real from this, but that's searching for hope in a hopeless world. We looked for what we desired in a place where we could not find it and wound up tormenting ourselves. Dangling coveted feelings of love in front of ourselves like an abled man pulling a penny on a string to bait a beggar who knows this will not last but despairing over his situation he chases the smallest crumb of salvation while the abled man laughs as he plays with the weaker man. But we are the ones pulling strings forcing ourselves to become the beggars when really we are capable unambiguously because it's easier. I refuse to bathe in the tears of my self-restrained life for any longer. I learned that the key to opening up is the willingness to allow yourself to be hurt, and in doing so, I will replace fear with freedom: no more temporary relationships. I need to be genuine wielding honesty apparent even to a kid who spends his days in a play daydreaming about escaping the nightmare that is his thoughts away. To step away from the light to spend a day in the shade where you don't have to be brave or behave