Hey guys, Poyo here. This is something I've been wanting to vent about for AWHILE now, but I was never really sure how to go about it. I just decided today to sit down and type out my thought and here you go.
Here's the TwitLonger link if you wanna read it on TwitLonger: http://www.twitlonger.com/show/n_1spj4jg
Here's the post if you want to read it here
It's honestly crazy. I feel in the past 2 years of Smash 4, I've had a more conscious life than I did the entire rest of my life. All I cared about in my teenage life was Brawl, but due to being sheltered and barely being able to go to tournaments, I slept away probably over half that time. It's no exaggeration when I say I would sleep 12-14 hours a day. I just wanted to speed that period of time up, I felt trapped in my house.
All I care about is Smash 4 and while my location isn't the best for Smash, I have a much more understanding parent now. My mom's never questioned me flying out to Baltimore with a 1 or 2 week notice. And I used to live in driving distance to all these tournaments. I really wonder how different my life would be if my father saw eye-to-eye with me about Smash in my teenage life...
Living with my father, there's a question he'd always ask me and Serynder: "If I die tomorrow, what happens?"
Well... I guess he wouldn't predict that even past his death, I'd say I'd try to fly back to Baltimore as much as possible, because NOW I have the opportunity to live the life he denied me of in my teenage life. A life he easily could've let me live.
The crazy truth is...
I feel I was at my peak when he was bedridden and slowly dying throughout 2015. He didn't have the energy to tell me to do this or that, or don't do this or don't do that, so I could go to Xanadu every week with no arguments.
The truth is...
I moved in with my father in late 2007 and by 2008, I was already sick of it, but I chose to stay with him SOLELY because he lived in Maryland. In the transition from Melee to Brawl, we had Azen, Chu, etc, all these Melee top players and Azen was actually the 2nd best in Brawl in 2008, he had beaten M2K multiple times.
I stayed because THIS is what I wanted to do. I thought just over time, it would "come to me". It never did, until 2015. You hear top players such as Mr. R and ZeRo say stuff like natural talent is overrated. And it's 100% true. They know this firsthand because they are some of the hardest working travelers. When a bad player stays bad, it's because they're not changing something in their head, in their life, or whatever it may be. In early 2014, my father was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer and in 2015 is when it really started taking noticeable effect on him. Before my dad was sick, I had always lived in FEAR of asking him to go to tournaments. And even when I did, I'd often be told no. There were some years I've probably went to less than 5 tournaments a year during Brawl. In one year, I'm pretty sure I've been to more Smash 4 tournaments than my entire span of playing Brawl. And because Smash is all I cared about, and I wanted to feel important to Smash, that is why I was sooooooooooooooooo vocal back in the Brawl days about my Mew2King love. I was THE Mew2King fanboy (just re-watch MLG DC videos of him vs Rich Brown or ESAM, you'll hear me), read my old Smashboards posts (you can't read the old AiB ones cause AiB's gone now), etc. It was my outlet of doing something "out there" in Smash. It wasn't positive of course, but I wanted to feel like I mattered.
I still want to feel like I matter. I had that in 2015. Despite my father slowly dying of his Lung Cancer and being bedridden, I was living the life I always wanted, going to Xanadu every week, seeing my results improve, beating players I looked up to so much in Brawl I never came close to beating, etc. I feel like with my father being bedridden... My chains were finally unleashed. I also feel in this period of time I was improving as a person too (well not with the whole Darkflame salt, but aside from that). Anyone who knows me in the Brawl days knew I REEEEEKED at tournaments, bugged everyone and so on. In the Brawl days, my dad didn't want me to go to tournaments with "strangers", so he'd basically only let me go to tournaments if he could take me. And he didn't want to take me, so it wasn't often, as stated above. Due to this, I was basically a hermit. I didn't shower, unless it was literally right before a tournament (so I'd still smell god awful at tournament), I had no idea how to talk to people and quite frankly, I didn't care about the social aspect of Smash AT ALL. All I cared about was getting good. I'd money match fiend like fuck if I lost early in a tournament, in a way of trying to make myself feel better about myself. I almost didn't talk to players unless it was "Do you wanna money match?". Otherwise, I'd just pace around the tournament venue waiting on my tournament sets. But with being able to actually go to tournaments every week regardless of what my dad said, I showered way more regularly, and I learned what it was like to talk to friends I was making in hour long car rides to and from Xanadu. I was improving AS A PERSON, not just in the game.
Although I knew this life in Maryland wouldn't last long, it was evident he was very likely to die in 2015, which he did, on New Year's Eve. Even before his death, I had worried about falling off due to the plans already being for me to move in with my mother in the Midwest after my father's death. It honestly had started before his death as his condition got worse, he did require more caretaking, which actually happened a few weeks before I won Xanadu, if you watch my interview, I say I did not play AT ALL the week before I got 2nd at Xanadu beating James and I only played a little the week before I did win. I guess I still had the fire/instincts from the months before? I dunno. But after winning Xanadu, the fire went down and the caretaking of my father had to be more and more.
My confidence had been going down, after a few weeks of bad Xanadus after winning, Seagull made his MD/VA player tier list and put me in B Tier, which... I don't know. I felt suicidal. It made me feel like this is really it. It really was only a 15 minutes of fame. I wanted to just have two good Xanadus in a row to prove consistency at that point then take a break. That never happened. I'd have like 5th then 9th or 3rd then 13th. Or something like that.
I don't want to have to explain too much, but when it became REALLY evident my father was probably going to die within a month or two, I REALLYYYYYYYYYY wanted to win one more Xanadu. The tension in the house got much higher. ChozenOne (or Rich Staats) had also stayed at my house at this point for about 2 months (I think more actually, but I left when everyone was still staying), I did NOT want to leave even after my father's death, but I'll get into that later. With having to help with/do so much moving stuff. And the tension with me and Serynder and Chozen, and even having tension/exclusion from my online friends at the time. Knowing my head REALLY wasn't in it for Smash at this point. When I was asked to clean the bathroom, I saw it as an opportunity.
To commit suicide. I locked the door, they were on the other half of the house, cleaning I guess, I dunno. But I taped some plastic bags around my head/neck and tried to fall asleep, never planning to wake up. Serynder did however knock on the door and when I tried to either not respond or respond with one liners to get him to go away, he instead unlocked the door and saw me with the plastic bags on my head. He then took me to Chozen and they slapped the shit out of me (I can't remember if Serynder did, my memory's kind of a blur, but I blatantly remember Chozen slapping me and saying "DID YOU JUST TRY TO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF?!"
So then they put me in my room to talk about the situation and the decide they're going to send me to my mother's early ASAP. In my head I'm freaking out. I figure if I'm going to have to continue living, I should still try to win Xanadu. But of course I can't use that as an argument in this situation, so I try to say I want to be there when our father dies (which IS true, I didn't want to leave him, but if I'm being honest, I was fixated more on trying to win Xanadu before I had to leave, at this point). So, I do get to stay. A few weeks later, on New Year's Eve night as I said, is when my father passed.
I don't know what to say... I never felt anything like it before, I held my father's hand when he died, as well as stayed with his body when Serynder and Chozen went to the airport to get my oldest brother from the airport (he was on his way when he heard my father's condition, but didn't make it to see him on time). Like... Nothing quite hit me like that. Being alone and feeling his hands get colder as time went on... I don't really know how to explain it, but I knew then I lost someone I'd never have back or never get to talk to again. Despite me disagreeing with A LOT of my father's decisions and not seeing eye to eye, I've grown to respect the thought process behind why he thought and did the things he did, if even now, I still can't respect his actions towards my life. I can at least respect where he was coming from as a father.
But honestly... Despite how hard that hit me in the moment... The truth is in long term... I associate my father's death more with me falling into obscurity as a Smasher, something than losing my father. What affected me more is losing getting to live in a prime region on the east coast. Something I had been working at since 2008 to 2015, 7 years, felt taken away overnight. Like I finally made it... Then I didn't. And no, don't say prepatch Luigi, I top 8'd other Xanadus even after the nerf, which is something I haven't been able to replicate since moving from MD/VA then re-visiting. It wasn't just the Luigi nerf. I think about it every day, anyone who follows me all the time definitely sees me tweet about MD/VA and Xanadu a lot. I can't just keep thinking about my father with the same sadness of when he died every day, but every day, I think about how I am 100% irrelevant to Smash now. EVERY DAY. So in long term, I associate my father's death with losing my home in Maryland, more than losing him. I didn't want to feel this way for awhile, because I thought it was wrong. But after I lost to Z8 at The Cave and I SCREAMED at the top of my lungs "WHY THE FUCK DID MY FATHER HAVE TO DIE?!" and I was told to go outside, I couldn't deny it anymore. My father's death most emotionally affected me due to it being the big reason I fell off in the only thing I cared about.
I feel like if I had gotten good during Brawl (I had a lot of time to, 2008 through 2014 was Brawl's lifespan) I wouldn't have been this way. Even if I did fall off, I'd be experienced enough to tournament experience far in bracket throughout many years, more conscious fundamental smart play rather than playing off "feel" so much, etc. My mind would be molded in the right way where I could bounce back. But just as I was finally establishing myself (Xanadu is the first tournament I EVER won, from April 2008 to July 2015). I didn't have my footing and I was knocked down anyway.
I don't know what the point of me typing this was, but I really needed to vent. It's been over a year since my father's death, I tried to live in SoCal which only lasted about a month in a half cause I had an incredibly shitty room mate, which took away from my focus (you can see my results heavily going down the week of Abadango Saga if you look at my Smashwiki, almost all my results are listed there), it felt like I was living with my father in the Brawl days. I had a bit more authority cause I was 22 rather than a teenager, but the room mate, my oldest brother's wife, not Serynder, is an incredibly shitty person. I couldn't keep my mind in the zone for Smash, which is the SOLE reason I moved to SoCal, solely for Smash. The plan was to live there until June this year, but things didn't work out.
I don't know what I'm going to do, but all I can say is. I'm trying to find my footing. I really wish my mother had stayed in Virginia (she lived there when I was a kid until I was 8), I lived with my dad SOLELY for Smash, because he lived in Maryland. My mother is the most loving and understanding person in my life. Like I said, if I want to fly to a Xanadu, a 2GG, whatever tournament, she won't argue, she'll just ask for the flight numbers and schedules, where I'm staying and for me to check up with her. My dad never gave me any benefit of the doubt. He would tell me I'm smart, but in August 2015, someone who was staying with us to help us re-do some cabinets in the kitchen told me that my dad yelled at him about me not being able to help because I'm "fucking autistic". I don't want to get into too much, but my dad was a two-faced person, and I guess even towards his own son, while he wouldn't say it to me, he might've thought of me as his autistic youngest helpless son and never tell me what he actually thinks of me. Fuck if I know.
All I know is. Even though I live in Kansas City now and the scene here isn't the best. I'm going to be building my stream trying to get high level grind sessions on it (if you're a high/top level player reading this and you want to practice with me, PLEASE let me know), flying out to as many Xanadus as realistically is affordable for me (I'll go to majors once I win a Xanadu) and becoming a better player. I've been slumping these past few months since the SoCal plans fell through, it was really heartbreaking for me but. I've got a better grasp on who my friends are, and I have the most loving and supportive mother. Seriously what mother of a 23 year old in Kansas City is so okay with her son flying regularly to Baltimore to try to get good at a game. I've shown her the Smash documentary and some other vids and she's been nothing but supportive. Maybe I'm being stubborn, who knows, but I feel like I was robbed of my teenagehood and I'm going to try to finally do what I should've done in the Brawl days.
And one last thing.
Pink Fresh and Wadi. I'm coming for you two. I WILL fucking beat you two this year.