Hell's harvest Podcast with the devils lettuce farmer

So what is this? who is this for? why do this? All of these being great questions. Really, that is how it all starts isn't it? with a question. is a question of questioning the actions of what constitutes the actions, really all philosophy is?
Is that the basis of it all? The art of learning of how to ask a question?  A pattern that realizes it's a pattern and able to see other pattern and then more forward changing the patterns to the patterns will?
If this first paragraph made sense, and intrigued you. Then maybe you are my audience, one of the questions and to lend in it further, just to Speak for time to absorb it, for just for those are willing to listen, that is the why. The what, this is surprisingly hard, how do you define something that changed on every viewing, to act like it is such concrete idea in absolutely finitely of certainty.
again, if this isn't pyschobabble for you, you might just be the audience. To scale back some mysticism and shroud (Maybe to give nazo a run for his money for wordy length post that actually have merit).
This isn't about me, this isn't even how I see reality, it pure conceptualization of the shared space we all inhabit with my flavour text for this rougelike simulation (thats a joke if you couldnt tell)
My handle Here is ---------, just an old moniker from when I was 10... , I know many do not know me, and in some cases, I think that is preferable. I won't sit here and pretend that my perception of reality isn't vastly different or even just a different angle. What I do feel is I try to have an unbiased view of all, as impossible that seems, maybe it being impossible is a reason to strive, starting to sound religious here. But maybe thats what I am ultimately trying to express. That I have a way of making vertical and lateral that doesnt follow normal convection, or maybe it normal for my percentile. Thats what I am aiming for, that raw, unfiltered notion of asking, the willingness to kill the dogmatist and be the ubermensch.
How do you explain something you can't see, touch, or create but yet it is as valid is water to life? I know for many people, just the actions of procuring resources consumes all their time, and how could one devote such time to internal tasks that no one else can see? specifically if death Is a footstep away?
Break time from being a mountain hermit, This is what My mind(not that I'm special) is always doing, my brain never stops, it has been like this since I was born, as long as I can literally remember, and I know this sounds crazy but I remember everything from when I first started to walk to now. The first memory of me standing up, my parents in front my six feet on the couch, my father with my mother side by side, the only time I see them happy, I stand up to what was the first time, I start walking toward the light cig hanging from my fathers hand who was in disbelief and my mother grasping, with me waddling best I could, just to reach the red ember white stick emitting a smoke, that when it hit the blinds and the light mixing with the dust, I could see the double slit experiment right before me. grabbing the cig and learning what fire was, just the first mammals who walked on two legs, an immortal lesson learned by all who live.




It's not quite sure, but the best leaning theory is synesthesia, which isn't understood or even recognized in any first world nation as a recognizable condition(DSM or NCIH). To try and be brief(not my strong suit), its a merging of sense that is an AUTOMATIC response to stimuli. This is not Hallucinogenic persistence disorder, it is not Any mental illness(not in the traditional scale/ spectrum), this is not a subset of autism(however people with autism can have it), and As well, Yes I have brain trauma from when I was little, however 1. MRI at that time didn't have the resolution of the area I was in, lacked
access. 2. Since I was under 4 when the accident happen, it hard to tell what pathways were form or already there.
so no, I will likely never have a definitive answer, and I don't end on a answer, either. I think the question just flow into the next thing. I would lie if I said I don't have a very internalized spiritual side, and system of how I process things. But its still though the lens of that movie projector of my minds eye in the union of senses that occurs in my neurons. the spiritual is what I choose, I constantly see these patterns, the fractals I see in every day life such in the tree, a dogs fur, the way a person hair grows. My mind pick up on all this information, constantly, without effort or consent. This is not for just what I see outside, as my "mind eye" can also see inside my head at the same time.
I can close my eyes, and completely separate from the world around me. Almost if i could trip (psychedelic - ly) on command, and if I lay down, and say mantras and focus on breathing, i've learned how to force lucid dreaming.
The hardest part to explain to people, cause you have to keep in mind, its always been this way for me, I know nothing else, not that I dont try to comprehend, I am unable to fathom them due to lack of experiencing( yet).  I don't control the mind eye, I can influence the projector, I can even for a brief second, use it. Yes, I do use the mind eye to cheat in thinking. I cant explain in English or any verbal/written language , that I physically feel my thought inside my head, and somehow I can translate that to speaking or just actions in general.
at this point, you either 1. believe this so far 2. have more questions 3.Think this is a fabrication for attention of a bad childhood. Trust me, Ive heard it all, maybe not but a good portion.
I guess the conceptualization of the idea I am trying to share/paint , is , for an average person, you can ask a question internally, and maybe hear yourself? talk inside your head? maybe even think of art or focus on an collection of patterns... You know, the thing that you use for your logos(logic) center, is there a part of you, a part of your identity, a thing you helped shaped, the thing that goes, is the answer on this test A or C?
I do not have that, I didn't shape it, I didn't turn the movie projector on. If my being was to be instantly made to represent my mind, the movie projector and myself are two different entities but the same, that came into being at the same time. its not a person, thing, or space. Its a collection of neurons, that keep firing constantly making an abnormal response to outside stimuli(or something else, we dont know, this is a best guess)... I dont hear anything inside my head unless I change the shape, images, patterns, etc into data point and convert the data. I cant even explain how I do it, it just does it.
For the longest time, I use to say, "I can't tell where me, the brain damage/abnormalism, and/or the trauma/mental illness starts or ends. There still is no clear borders, I dont think there ever will be, and I have to live with that juxtaposition.
My current person Im engage with(no legally but, one who i confined in romantically)  brought up an excellent point to me, when you order a mix drink, you dont go give me a coke, rum, two stones, and a dash of salt.
You says, rum on the rocks, as silly as that sounds that one statement profoundly changed something, even odder to me that some ten years younger then me said it.
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so what is this stream of conciseness, I'm writing? Not to lay the foundation for a shitty theme/copout, a question to a question. something just to do, just to be. this is where it become difficult for me, As I strive to better my infallibility of discussion the events that give me insight on concepts it self. I don't think there is one answer, maybe this a pure counterculture response to the status quo, maybe its a journal, maybe its both and neither. "if you are given two choices, there is three, and when you see three there is four!" things like these make perfect sense(to me and few others), and yes I know its oxymoronic , but for some reason, "oxymorons make sense"....
right now? able to spell out? The sake of existing, nothing more nothing less. I guess this is my attempt to write in the papyrus of time.
who is it for? this is a question I asked for a long time, and the affect/effect, and efficacy of even trying in the face of fitfulness. Its to anyone who want to listens, that is it, nothing more nothing less.
Finally, we are reaching the why, to start the cycle all over again. Is a good answer needed? what is why? is it a question of questioning? is that a leftover product from trying to survive and determine which source of resources will ensure survival that we misgive attribution? or is it something deeper?
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tl;dr for those who dont want fluff
if you made this far, congrats, You got past my fluff, here a condense form less rabid mountain hermit philosophy.
This is a Hunter S Thompson SOC experiment of just recording my thought and having an internal dialogue about the world, myself, and the things in between those two. With the notion that I am some form of neurodivergant, that enable my neurons to function different, even with same qaulia of reality present to both parties equally.
The why (non fluff), my close friends, my colleagues, strangers, and others.. I have lived.. I have CHOSEN to live a different live, in according how I see the world/reality. I instinctively feel things and process abnormally, and when I express myself others see it, the ones who listen and watch with more then their eyes. I talk with them(my people) and express these (what are to me) normal dialogues and basic questions that seem radical to others. I guess the allegory of the cave has never been truer has it plato?
others had told me, I have a fresh look or just albeit different, and that new angle has helped people.
I have walked where others havnt, seen what others refuse, and learned things. I feel if I was able to experience these things because of the world, the least I can do, is repay the world with how I see it, so it can understand and I tried to understand it.
 This, I think is a legacy I want to leave behind, as that is one of the many things, I mentally wrestle with as far as concepts go. whats to come after and what was before.
If any of this makes sense, or even interest you, or you have comments/feedback.

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I was planning my first episode now( Of a Podcast), the name (gotta give it to my homie, ----------------- for the name: thank mans, you truly try to listen to me, and I am eternally grateful for the notion, I wish I could repay you somehow one day my friend)
"hell's harvest" being the name, and my handle on the show "Devils lettuce farmer" , the name and handle being puns on reality itself, and a deep connection to the memories of my life I have thus lived so far.
I have done quite a bit in my life, Not to toot my horn, I wont say Im smart.... I never felt that way, to me. Smart is someone who works for it, someone who studies, someone who tries, someone he puts the time, enegry, effort.... that person is not me(I feel), as contradictory as that statement sounds, its a true reflection of my character and psyche.
like I stated, the movie projector is what guides me, it always knows the answer, I never do, I just look at the art in the gallery and somehow knowledge is deposited into, that how I feel.
I don't work for it, I dont try, hell I dont even ask for it....
Im just a person who can easily surf the waves on instinct only, and I don't think instinct can qualify as intelligence, not the new modern concept of it anyways... sure to something that not self aware, that is a great feature, but i'm self aware, and where does that leave me?
I wont lie and say this ability hasnt granted powers in the since, I can see these patterns, and make my survival easier... I guess that how I got to this point where I am now.....
for the longest time, I always just been surviving, and Ive come to the point, where I master survival and ensured my constitution as a entity in this reality, to the points where I can affect it within reason..... Its a strange place to be, its new, its different....
when you no longer focus on just trying to exist, it changed, the movie projector did, or maybe i did. I couldn't honestly be sure at this point. something new happened.
I just know my input/insight has been helpful/fun, and that in giving myself, I can receive something back. I guess how joe just tries to have a conversation, I am just trying to think aloud.