Eng Adam Sandler: 100% Fresh (2018)

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Okay, ready, and...

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Take your own cue, Adam. And action, Dan!

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<i>♪ It was the perfect day</i> ♪

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<i>♪ You had the sweetest smile ♪</i>

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<i>♪ You were my only way ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Yeah, we were doing it in style ♪</i>

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<i>♪ We were walkin' and talkin'
And jammin' and jawin' ♪</i>

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<i>♪ It was you and me against the world ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Then you got hit by an electric car ♪</i>

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<i>♪ 'Cause you didn't hear it comin' ♪</i>

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Fuck those cars. You should...

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I have one. I have an electric car.

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But at least I have the decency
when I'm driving,

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to put my head out the window and go,
"Here comes the Sandman."

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"Sandman coming. Watch out."

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How about those Tesla's now
driving themselves?

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Those Teslas, that's pretty cool.

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They can drive themselves. Holy shit, man.

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I got in an accident with a Tesla
and nobody was in there,

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and I didn't know who to exchange
the information with...

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and I started screaming,
"Hey, you fucker. What the fuck?"

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And the Tesla's, you know, fucking
windshield wipers are flappin' about.

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And I was like, "What the fuck
does that mean? You did it."

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And its fucking lights
are going on and off.

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Like it's saying, "Okay. All right."
And, uh...

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Then we go to court

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and I'm like,
"I'm going to fucking destroy this thing."

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And then the Tesla shows up
in a neck brace,

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and I say, "Oh, give me a fucking break.

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What a liar. He's a fucking liar."

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<i>♪ Oh, Grandma's roommate</i> ♪

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<i>♪ Why do you talk so much? ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Don't you know
I came to the nursing home ♪</i>

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<i>♪ To see my grandma ♪</i>

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<i>♪ I just said hello ♪</i>

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<i>♪ To be polite ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Now you're telling me
That my grandma was rude ♪</i>

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<i>♪ 'Cause she didn't share ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Her unsugared candy ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Well, I guess that calls
For a death pillow over your face ♪</i>

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You ever go over to somebody's house

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and, uh...

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you ring the doorbell and the guy answers,
and he says, "Hey, take your shoes off"?

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And then you go, "Oh, God. Okay."

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And then he goes,
"Hey, take your socks off."

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And you're like, "Take my socks off?"

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And then he goes, "Roll up your pants."
You're like, "Roll my pants up?"

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He puts some grapes down,
and goes, "Start stomping the grapes."

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You're like, "What the fuck are we doing?"
He's like, "Making the wine!"

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"You make me the wine."

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<i>♪ Oh, no</i> ♪

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<i>♪ Oh, no ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Oh, no, no, no, no, no ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Oh, no ♪</i>

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<i>♪ God no ♪</i>

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<i>♪ My mother's friend has a son
Who just moved to Hollywood ♪</i>

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<i>♪ And she asked me to help him ♪</i>

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My wife's always putting lotion
on my face.

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Don't you put a lot of lotion
on your face out here in LA?

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My wife fucking
really lathers on the lotion.

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She always says she's looking out for me.

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She just puts a lot of lotion.
Like, there's too much.

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Doesn't rub it in either.

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She just puts it on my forehead,
my cheeks, my nose...

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Then I found out, before me,

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my wife used to date a lemon meringue pie.

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And I was like...

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She still likes him. She still likes him.
I know she does.

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I don't give a shit.

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<i>♪ Daddy shaved his beard today</i> ♪

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<i>♪ Mustache and sideburns went away ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Daddy's lips are really small ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Doesn't have a chin at all ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Daddy made a big mistake ♪</i>

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My father used to shave...

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My dad had a beard,

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and then, literally, every ten years
would shave his beard.

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Like, didn't ask us, just fucking
came out of nowhere, shaved.

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It was... Any time
my father shaved his beard,

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it was the only time
you saw him look vulnerable.

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When he first came out of the bathroom,
he was like...

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I was like, "Dad has dimples?"
I didn't know Dad had dimples."

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"It'll grow back."

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Why'd you do it?

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"I don't know.

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It was...

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It was itchy."

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"It's been itchy for ten fucking years?"

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I went to my friend's house
and he had a heated toilet seat.

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I sat on his heated toilet seat.
I've got to say it made you relax.

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I went a lot better than I usually go.

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I came out and said, "I like that heated
toilet seat. Where'd you get that?"

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He goes, "I don't have
a heated toilet seat."

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You ever walking down the street
and you say hi to a baby?

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And, uh...

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And the baby goes...

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And you're going, "Yeah, that's great."

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And then... And the mother goes,
"He can say 'hi' back."

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And you go, "Oh, yeah?"
And the kid goes...

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You go, "There it is."

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Then mother goes,
"No, he really can say it."

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And the kid goes...

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And you go, "Hey, that was great."

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The mother goes,
"No, he really can say it."

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And the kid goes...

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And you go,
"There it is. That was it, right?"

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And the mother's like,
"No! Say it. Say hi."

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And the kid's like...

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And... And then the mother's like,
"What the fuck? Say it!

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You said it earlier!"

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And the kid's like...

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And you're like, "Hey, that was
a full sentence. That's better than 'Hi'."

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And the mother's like, "What the...?
I'm so mad at you, baby!"

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And then she like hands you the baby
and is like, "I've got to walk this off.

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This is very discouraging for me.

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He said it earlier!"

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And you're holding the baby, like...

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"Say it. Go ahead and say it. Say, 'Hi'.

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Come on, you really upset your mother."

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And the kid's looking at you...

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And you're like, "Come on, get it out."
It's gonna make her feel better.

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And the kid's like...
And you're like, "You can do it. Come on."

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And the kid's like...

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"Help me.

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She... She...

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She won't let me get vaccinated."

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Come on, there's no proof
that that's good or bad yet.

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"I've been getting sick a lot."

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<i>♪ My hands are shaking</i> ♪

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<i>♪ My heart's beating fast ♪</i>

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<i>♪ I'm sweating through my cheap suit ♪</i>

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<i>♪ How much longer can it last? ♪</i>

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<i>♪ I'm an alcoholic lawyer ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Facing the trial of my life ♪</i>

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<i>♪ And I need to sober up quickly ♪</i>

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<i>♪ If I want to make things right ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Put the bottle down, son ♪</i>

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<i>♪ There's an innocent man who needs you</i> ♪

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<i>♪ Put the bottle down, son ♪</i>

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<i>♪ There's nothing left to fear</i> ♪

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Wait, what day is it?

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Shit.

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The trial was last week.

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And he got the chair?

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<i>♪ Well, let's have a few whiskey sours
In his memory ♪</i>

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My wife and I,
we fool around pretty hardcore.

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We go at a pretty good. It's fun.

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You know, it's nice. We love each other,
and we fucking go pretty hard and...

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It gets crazy.
It gets pretty fucking nuts in there

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because it's only me and her,
nobody else.

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So, we're like, "Let's fucking...
Let's do it all," you know?

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We do, uh... We do have a safe word.

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It's, "Really?"

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My whole life, I always wanted
to be able to do a flip.

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Wouldn't that be great?

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I was always growing up, going,
"Man, I've got to get a flip going.

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Everybody will love me
if I could just do a flip."

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Everybody would be like,
"Whoa, did you see the Sandman?

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He popped out a flip."

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I just wanted to be
in a fucking Marshalls or something,

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buying some cheap clothes
and going, "Hey, watch this."

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Pop a flip and have
the fucking lady at the cash register go,

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"Did you fucking see
that kid with the flip?"

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I'd be like. "Hey, I do it all the time."

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But I never got that one down, man.
I wish I did.

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Always I was like...
I didn't know how to fucking practice.

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That was the problem.

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I didn't know how to do my first try.
I would always get to right about here,

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and then go, "Ah, I don't know.
I'm gonna get hurt."

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And when I got older, I wanted to learn
how to speak fluent Italian too.

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And I did that. I mastered that.

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So, I'm in Italy,
and I meet the Pope himself,

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and in fluent Italian, I say to him,

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"Hey, I love what you've done
for the Church.

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I love what you you're doing
for the world.

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America says, 'Hello.'

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Um...

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Am I getting into heaven?"

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And in Italian he says,
"Can you do a flip?"

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And I was like, "Madonne!"

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Shit.

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Did you ever have a friend
who rescues too many animals

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and, like, never can do anything?

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"Hey, you want to go out
in a couple days?"

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"Ah, no, my chicken's eye fell out

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and I've got to paste it back on."

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"Oh, okay. That shouldn't take that long."

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"Well, one of the ducks,
she isn't quacking, so...

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I've got to look...

190
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I've got to look into that."

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Okay.

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Dling!

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By the way, I never met this man.

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Uh, this one is
kind of a Bee Gee-esque tune.

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Kind of a...
You like the Bee Gees out there?

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00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:51,966
I always liked the Bee Gees.

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<i>♪ Slow</i> ♪

198
00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,469
<i>- ♪ Slow ♪
- ♪ Slow ♪</i>

199
00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:55,595
<i>- ♪ Slow ♪
- ♪ Slow ♪</i>

200
00:09:56,179 --> 00:09:57,430
<i>♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪</i>

201
00:09:57,514 --> 00:10:00,433
<i>- ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪
- ♪ Slow ♪</i>

202
00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:01,851
<i>♪ Slow ♪</i>

203
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,228
<i>♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪</i>

204
00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:05,063
<i>♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪</i>

205
00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:06,898
<i>♪ Slow, slow ♪</i>

206
00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:09,818
<i>- ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪
- ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪</i>

207
00:10:10,693 --> 00:10:13,404
<i>- ♪ Slow, slow ♪
- ♪ Mr. Slow ♪</i>

208
00:10:13,488 --> 00:10:16,991
<i>- ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪
- ♪ Mr. Slow Mo ♪</i>

209
00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:20,912
<i>♪ I'm the slow motion man ♪</i>

210
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:22,664
<i>♪ In the crosswalk ♪</i>

211
00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:27,836
<i>♪ Walking just as slow as I can</i> ♪

212
00:10:29,921 --> 00:10:32,006
<i>♪ Holding up the traffic ♪</i>

213
00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:34,425
<i>♪ As I walk across the street</i> ♪

214
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,720
<i>♪ Hardly even seems ♪</i>

215
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:40,723
<i>♪ Like I'm picking up my feet</i> ♪

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00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:45,687
<i>♪ I'm the slow motion man
In the crosswalk ♪</i>

217
00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:51,067
<i>♪ California laws will protect me ♪</i>

218
00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:57,532
<i>♪ Then an earthquake hits ♪</i>

219
00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:59,909
<i>♪ And I fall deep in a crack ♪</i>

220
00:11:00,577 --> 00:11:04,247
<i>♪ And everybody cheers 'cause I'm dead ♪</i>

221
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:08,168
<i>♪ Slow, slow ♪</i>

222
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:11,171
<i>♪ Dying so slow ♪</i>

223
00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:13,882
Thank you.

224
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:18,428
<i>♪ Come on, right ♪</i>

225
00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:20,930
<i>♪ That's right, feel that shit ♪</i>

226
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:22,765
<i>♪ Unh, right ♪</i>

227
00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:24,225
<i>♪ Come on, Daddy ♪</i>

228
00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:27,020
<i>♪ Join in on this motherfucker
Would you? ♪</i>

229
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,147
<i>♪ Yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah ♪</i>

230
00:11:29,230 --> 00:11:30,315
<i>♪ So, let's go ♪</i>

231
00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:32,192
<i>♪ My Uber driver smells bad ♪</i>

232
00:11:32,275 --> 00:11:33,818
<i>♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪</i>

233
00:11:33,902 --> 00:11:35,403
<i>♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪</i>

234
00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:36,905
<i>♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪</i>

235
00:11:36,988 --> 00:11:38,507
<i>- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ A smelly Uber driver ♪</i>

236
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:40,634
<i>- ♪ Yeah, that's right ♪
- ♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪</i>

237
00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:41,993
<i>♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪</i>

238
00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:43,494
<i>♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪</i>

239
00:11:43,578 --> 00:11:46,706
<i>♪ He got a free water
If you want a drink drink ♪</i>

240
00:11:46,789 --> 00:11:48,374
<i>♪ You know, what else he got ♪</i>

241
00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:49,876
<i>♪ He got a stink stink ♪</i>

242
00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:53,296
<i>- ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪
- ♪ God damn, what the fuck? ♪</i>

243
00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:54,940
<i>- ♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪</i>

244
00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:56,174
<i>♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪</i>

245
00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:57,800
<i>♪ Right when I got inside ♪</i>

246
00:11:57,884 --> 00:11:59,469
<i>♪ I was like, "Uh-oh" ♪</i>

247
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:01,179
<i>♪ This Honda Civic smells ♪</i>

248
00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:02,931
<i>♪ Just like a butthole ♪</i>

249
00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:06,017
<i>- ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪
- ♪ What the fuck? Now, come on ♪</i>

250
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:08,037
<i>- ♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪
- ♪ Locked window ♪</i>

251
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,121
<i>♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪</i>

252
00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:10,772
<i>♪ He rock the Google Maps ♪</i>

253
00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:12,106
<i>♪ He rock the window tint ♪</i>

254
00:12:12,190 --> 00:12:15,485
<i>♪ One thing he doesn't rock
Is that deodorant ♪</i>

255
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:18,321
<i>- ♪ God damn, Speed Stick that shit ♪
- ♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪</i>

256
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:20,633
<i>- ♪ What the fuck? Come on ♪
- ♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪</i>

257
00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:21,741
<i>♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪</i>

258
00:12:21,824 --> 00:12:23,618
<i>♪ I need the iPhone charged ♪</i>

259
00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:24,994
<i>♪ I pass the cord back ♪</i>

260
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:26,746
<i>♪ And when you take a bath ♪</i>

261
00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:28,373
<i>♪ Scrub the nutsack ♪</i>

262
00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:30,296
<i>- ♪ Scrub your nutsack ♪
- ♪ What the fuck? ♪</i>

263
00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:32,335
<i>- ♪ Scrub your nutsack ♪
- ♪ Common courtesy ♪</i>

264
00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:34,420
<i>♪ This shit got germs ♪</i>

265
00:12:34,504 --> 00:12:36,464
<i>♪ I can't believe the smell ♪</i>

266
00:12:36,547 --> 00:12:37,799
<i>♪ In these Uber cars ♪</i>

267
00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:39,550
<i>♪ Oh, wait, I shit my pants ♪</i>

268
00:12:39,634 --> 00:12:41,386
<i>♪ I'll give him five stars ♪</i>

269
00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:42,637
<i>♪ Give him five stars ♪</i>

270
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,389
<i>- ♪ Damn ♪
- ♪ Give him five stars ♪</i>

271
00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:45,890
<i>♪ Turns out the smell was me ♪</i>

272
00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:47,725
<i>♪ Better give him five stars ♪</i>

273
00:12:47,809 --> 00:12:53,898
<i>♪ Word up, motherfucker, yeah ♪</i>

274
00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:56,985
Oh, yes.

275
00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:01,322
<i>♪ Oh, cotton candy making me randy</i> ♪

276
00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:03,092
<i>♪ Multicolored lolli... ♪</i>

277
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:05,326
- What the hell happened?
- I fucked it up.

278
00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:08,329
No! You don't just start over!

279
00:13:08,413 --> 00:13:10,540
You apologize to me!

280
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:14,335
You don't just do that to the Sandman!

281
00:13:16,254 --> 00:13:17,338
Okay.

282
00:13:17,422 --> 00:13:19,299
Let's start again. We'll cut around it.

283
00:13:19,382 --> 00:13:20,382
Not yet!

284
00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:22,592
Hit it!

285
00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:24,304
Hoo!

286
00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:26,014
Yes, yes, yes.

287
00:13:26,097 --> 00:13:28,933
<i>♪ Oh, cotton candy making me randy ♪</i>

288
00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:32,228
<i>♪ Multicolor lollipop
Gobstopper never stop ♪</i>

289
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,563
<i>♪ Red attire... ♪</i>

290
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:35,857
I fucked up. All right, sorry.

291
00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:37,275
Fuck that shit!

292
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:39,569
The Sandman don't fuck up.

293
00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:43,448
Ooh, from the top.

294
00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:50,121
<i>♪ Oh, cotton candy making me randy ♪</i>

295
00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:53,207
<i>♪ Multicolor lollipop
Gobstopper never stop ♪</i>

296
00:13:53,291 --> 00:13:56,169
<i>♪ Reese's Pieces, Charleston Chew
Butterfinger, Snickers too ♪</i>

297
00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:57,837
<i>♪ Red Atomic Fireball ♪</i>

298
00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,422
<i>♪ I want to eat them all ♪</i>

299
00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:01,674
<i>♪ Give me a green Jolly Rancher ♪</i>

300
00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:02,758
Let me hear you.

301
00:14:04,969 --> 00:14:05,803
Let's go.

302
00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:08,556
<i>♪ Laffy Taffy, Lemonhead ♪</i>

303
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:10,099
<i>♪ Cadbury Eggs will hatch ♪</i>

304
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:11,559
<i>♪ Kids from the Sourpatch ♪</i>

305
00:14:11,642 --> 00:14:13,061
<i>♪ Milk Duds and Swedish Fish ♪</i>

306
00:14:13,144 --> 00:14:14,687
<i>♪ Gummy bears and licorice ♪</i>

307
00:14:14,771 --> 00:14:17,648
<i>♪ If you got a Kit Kat
I would like a taste of that ♪</i>

308
00:14:17,732 --> 00:14:20,526
<i>♪ The doctor says I got diabetes ♪</i>

309
00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:23,404
Thank you.

310
00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:26,425
Yeah, okay, we did that again. I think
that was better than the first time.

311
00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:28,493
Do you? Yes, yes. Absolutely.

312
00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:30,536
Okay, here comes a song.

313
00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:33,122
More dancing.

314
00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:38,211
<i>♪ Yeah, let's hear you, Ohio ♪</i>

315
00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:41,589
<i>♪ Ohio ♪</i>

316
00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:42,965
Yes, sir.

317
00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:44,884
Here we go, here we go, here we go.

318
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:46,677
Should we clap along?

319
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:51,349
All right, let's lose that. I hate it.

320
00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:52,850
Sorry.

321
00:14:52,934 --> 00:14:54,018
You were right on it.

322
00:14:54,102 --> 00:14:56,646
It's a thing of mine, man.
I don't fucking like that shit.

323
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:58,022
It was startling me.

324
00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:02,819
<i>♪ Well, we all know a guy
Who shaves his chest ♪</i>

325
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:06,239
<i>♪ We all know a guy
Who wears a leather vest ♪</i>

326
00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:10,701
<i>♪ We all know a guy
Who knows a lot about coffee ♪</i>

327
00:15:13,204 --> 00:15:16,416
<i>♪ We all know a stud
Who would fight anyone ♪</i>

328
00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:20,169
<i>♪ We all know a fool
Who wears his hair in a bun</i> ♪

329
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,587
<i>♪ We all know a guy ♪</i>

330
00:15:21,671 --> 00:15:24,507
<i>♪ Who says he fucked his babysitter
When he was 12 ♪</i>

331
00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:30,388
<i>♪ Yeah, we all know a guy
Who wears too much cologne ♪</i>

332
00:15:30,972 --> 00:15:34,684
<i>♪ We all know a guy
Who's better when he's stoned ♪</i>

333
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:38,563
<i>♪ We all know a guy who hugs your wife
Five seconds too long</i> ♪

334
00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:44,694
<i>♪ Well, we all know a guy
Who's starting a band ♪</i>

335
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:48,114
<i>♪ We all know a guy who's missing a hand ♪</i>

336
00:15:48,823 --> 00:15:50,908
<i>♪ We all know a guy who doesn't work ♪</i>

337
00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:53,286
<i>♪ But still goes twice a year to Ibiza ♪</i>

338
00:15:55,997 --> 00:15:59,500
<i>♪ We all know a guy
Who said he almost went pro ♪</i>

339
00:15:59,584 --> 00:16:03,129
<i>♪ We all know a guy with a red afro ♪</i>

340
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:07,550
<i>♪ We all know a guy who's dick color
Doesn't match his body ♪</i>

341
00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:13,431
<i>♪ We all know a guy
Whose hair always looks wet ♪</i>

342
00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:17,059
<i>♪ We all know a guy with a pig as a pet ♪</i>

343
00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:22,023
<i>♪ We all know a guy who knows a guy
Who says he knows Guy Fieri ♪</i>

344
00:16:27,904 --> 00:16:31,949
<i>♪ And we all know a guy
With weird allergies ♪</i>

345
00:16:32,033 --> 00:16:35,203
<i>♪ We all know a guy
Who sneezes in threes ♪</i>

346
00:16:35,286 --> 00:16:37,205
<i>♪ So how come we don't know ♪</i>

347
00:16:37,288 --> 00:16:40,291
<i>♪ Who my real father is? ♪</i>

348
00:16:41,876 --> 00:16:43,669
No!

349
00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:45,588
Thank you. Thank you.

350
00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:52,762
I'm a triple threat though. You didn't
know I could dance that fucking good.

351
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,722
Took many lessons growing up, man.

352
00:16:57,725 --> 00:16:59,477
The hula... The hula hoop.

353
00:17:00,895 --> 00:17:03,314
Hula hoop, by the way,
is very horny looking.

354
00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:05,650
When I'm
at my fucking kids' birthday parties

355
00:17:05,733 --> 00:17:07,777
and some kid gives me a hula hoop

356
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:10,571
and I'm doing it, I feel so fucking gross.
I'm going...

357
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:15,243
You see other parents like,
"What the fuck?"

358
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:21,332
Do you ever play miniature golf
with your daughter

359
00:17:21,832 --> 00:17:23,668
and you're tied on the 18th hole?

360
00:17:25,670 --> 00:17:28,297
And in the middle of her backswing,

361
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:31,551
you just say, "Hey, I tea-bagged
your mother this morning."

362
00:17:34,262 --> 00:17:35,263
And then...

363
00:17:35,346 --> 00:17:38,224
And then the kid sinks the putt
and goes, "Yeah, I know, I saw."

364
00:17:39,850 --> 00:17:43,354
And you're like,
"This kid stays concentrated."

365
00:17:43,938 --> 00:17:46,649
She's fucking good. She's got focus.
She could be somebody.

366
00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:49,944
Are there married folks out there tonight?

367
00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,028
Married folks.

368
00:17:51,112 --> 00:17:54,073
I love it. Okay, this is for you guys.

369
00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:57,410
<i>♪ You tell me I'm wrong ♪</i>

370
00:17:57,868 --> 00:17:59,453
<i>♪ But I know I'm right ♪</i>

371
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,998
<i>♪ You say, "No fucking way" ♪</i>

372
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:04,083
<i>♪ But I insist that I'm right ♪</i>

373
00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:06,377
<i>♪ So I pull out my phone ♪</i>

374
00:18:07,044 --> 00:18:08,629
<i>♪ And I look it up ♪</i>

375
00:18:10,298 --> 00:18:12,550
<i>♪ I right away see I was wrong ♪</i>

376
00:18:13,384 --> 00:18:15,595
<i>♪ But I pretend I can't find the answer</i> ♪

377
00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:21,726
<i>♪ So I fake like I'm still looking ♪</i>

378
00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:23,978
<i>♪ And you say, "So who's right?" ♪</i>

379
00:18:24,061 --> 00:18:25,771
<i>♪ I say, "My phone sucks" ♪</i>

380
00:18:25,855 --> 00:18:28,190
<i>♪ And blame AT&T reception ♪</i>

381
00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:32,361
<i>♪ Then you start to look it up ♪</i>

382
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:36,449
<i>♪ So I just grab your phone
And drop it into a glass of iced tea ♪</i>

383
00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:39,410
Thank you.

384
00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:41,078
Marriage is good, guys.

385
00:18:41,162 --> 00:18:42,163
Marriage is good.

386
00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:44,006
You'll like it one day
if you're not married.

387
00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:46,810
You just got to keep it mysterious.
You got to keep the mystery alive.

388
00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:49,879
Like, my wife has no idea
where I go for weeks at a time.

389
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:53,758
- It's fucking... It's a big mystery.
- You tell her where you are tonight?

390
00:18:53,841 --> 00:18:55,301
Yeah, she knows I'm here.

391
00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:56,552
My kids don't.

392
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,721
I just said I was
going downstairs to get an apple.

393
00:19:02,016 --> 00:19:05,227
I always get these emails from
the kids' school that I've got to come in.

394
00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:06,896
"It's Terrific Tuesday...

395
00:19:07,521 --> 00:19:08,814
Make sure you come in."

396
00:19:08,898 --> 00:19:11,400
And you're like, Terrific...
What the fuck is Terrific Tuesday?

397
00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:12,902
Well, you come by the school

398
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:14,945
and you tell the kids
how terrific they are.

399
00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:17,990
And I'm like, "Okay, Thirsty Thursday."

400
00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:20,326
It's Thirsty Thursday. Come by.

401
00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:23,120
You know, you help the kids
fill their water bottles.

402
00:19:23,204 --> 00:19:26,666
I'm like, my father
literally came to school

403
00:19:26,749 --> 00:19:29,627
one fucking time my whole school career.

404
00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:33,172
He opened the door
in the middle of a fucking test,

405
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:35,633
and I hear, "Where'd you put the rake?

406
00:19:36,717 --> 00:19:38,427
I'm like, "What?"

407
00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:40,805
"You put it on the nail?"

408
00:19:41,639 --> 00:19:43,265
- "I think I did."
- "You think?

409
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:44,849
"It's not there."

410
00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:48,229
- "Okay."
- "It's not okay."

411
00:19:50,398 --> 00:19:52,274
"I'll get it for you after school."

412
00:19:52,358 --> 00:19:53,901
"No, you'll get it now!"

413
00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:56,611
Okay, here we go.

414
00:19:58,364 --> 00:20:01,826
<i>♪ One is a little guy hiding in a tree ♪</i>

415
00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:05,496
<i>♪ Two are together
And they're swimming out to sea ♪</i>

416
00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:09,125
<i>♪ Three on a Ferris wheel
Four at the zoo ♪</i>

417
00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:11,043
<i>♪ Five in my pocket ♪</i>

418
00:20:11,127 --> 00:20:13,087
<i>♪ Six in my shoe ♪</i>

419
00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:14,922
<i>♪ Seven on a mountain top ♪</i>

420
00:20:15,005 --> 00:20:16,757
<i>♪ Eight in a park ♪</i>

421
00:20:16,841 --> 00:20:18,634
<i>♪ Nine in a gondola ♪</i>

422
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,136
<i>♪ Ten in the dark ♪</i>

423
00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:22,304
<i>♪ It's everywhere you go ♪</i>

424
00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:23,764
<i>♪ Everywhere you look ♪</i>

425
00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:26,434
<i>♪ Everywhere you'll find an anti-Semite ♪</i>

426
00:20:27,017 --> 00:20:28,269
There he is!

427
00:20:31,814 --> 00:20:32,648
Joking.

428
00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:35,276
He's not. Leave him alone.
Get the fucking lights off of him.

429
00:20:35,359 --> 00:20:36,819
He seems like a decent man.

430
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:38,820
Sorry.

431
00:20:41,824 --> 00:20:43,409
♪ <i>I am gonna read a book ♪</i>

432
00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:45,369
<i>♪ Read a book, read a book ♪</i>

433
00:20:45,453 --> 00:20:47,121
<i>♪ Gonna be a better man ♪</i>

434
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,248
<i>♪ Better man than I am ♪</i>

435
00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:51,125
<i>♪ So I go to Amazon ♪</i>

436
00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:53,043
<i>♪ Amazon dot com ♪</i>

437
00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:54,837
<i>♪ And I buy a dozen books ♪</i>

438
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,964
<i>♪ Lots of books, smart books ♪</i>

439
00:20:57,047 --> 00:20:58,841
<i>♪ They will ship them right away ♪</i>

440
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:00,760
<i>♪ Right away, in a day ♪</i>

441
00:21:00,843 --> 00:21:02,553
<i>♪ And I have Amazon Prime ♪</i>

442
00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:04,722
<i>♪ So it doesn't cost a dime ♪</i>

443
00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:06,599
<i>♪ So I look at my new book ♪</i>

444
00:21:06,682 --> 00:21:08,392
<i>♪ Take a look at my book ♪</i>

445
00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:10,519
<i>♪ Right away I tune out ♪</i>

446
00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:12,521
<i>♪ Don't like reading, get distracted ♪</i>

447
00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:14,356
<i>♪ So I turn on my TV ♪</i>

448
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,233
<i>♪ TV good, reading bad ♪</i>

449
00:21:16,317 --> 00:21:18,360
<i>♪ And I watch </i>Property Brothers <i>♪</i>

450
00:21:18,444 --> 00:21:20,821
<i>♪ For 11 fucking hours ♪</i>

451
00:21:22,990 --> 00:21:23,990
Hello.

452
00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:25,617
You ever...

453
00:21:26,035 --> 00:21:27,620
How about the times you wake up...

454
00:21:27,703 --> 00:21:29,455
Ever wake up like 4:30 in the morning

455
00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:32,166
and you're like, "God damn it.
What am I doing up right now?"

456
00:21:32,249 --> 00:21:34,001
4:30, can't fall asleep...

457
00:21:34,084 --> 00:21:35,753
I'm fucking ruined for the day.

458
00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:38,636
Ever do one of those things where you go,
"Let me just get out of bed,"

459
00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:42,051
and live like those people who always go,
"Hey, I get up at 4:30 every day.

460
00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:43,844
I do that for me. That's me time.

461
00:21:43,928 --> 00:21:45,471
I spend the morning alone.

462
00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:48,808
That's my time and it's the best.
It sets me in the right mood."

463
00:21:48,891 --> 00:21:50,935
You're like, "Let me be
one of those fucking pricks.

464
00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:52,394
I'll get up at 4:30."

465
00:21:52,478 --> 00:21:55,105
And you get up at 4:30
and you make yourself breakfast.

466
00:21:55,189 --> 00:21:57,900
You're like, "Wow, this is good.
making breakfast. I never do that."

467
00:21:57,983 --> 00:21:59,151
And then you work out.

468
00:21:59,235 --> 00:22:00,986
You're like, "I'm working out this early.

469
00:22:01,070 --> 00:22:03,113
Holy shit. That's out of the way.
That's great."

470
00:22:03,197 --> 00:22:05,491
And then you have yourself
another breakfast.

471
00:22:05,574 --> 00:22:08,077
You're like,
"Okay, I'm running out of shit to do."

472
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:11,580
And then you flip on the news and you go,
"There's news before the news?

473
00:22:11,664 --> 00:22:13,040
Who the fuck are these people?

474
00:22:13,123 --> 00:22:15,584
They're very good.
They should be on the real news."

475
00:22:15,668 --> 00:22:18,170
Then you go outside
and you see a bird eating a worm.

476
00:22:18,254 --> 00:22:20,014
You're like,
"Is that the fucking early bird?

477
00:22:20,047 --> 00:22:22,883
I've been hearing about that thing
for a long time."

478
00:22:22,967 --> 00:22:24,343
There he is. Holy shit."

479
00:22:24,426 --> 00:22:26,554
Then a bus shows up,
and your kids get on it.

480
00:22:26,637 --> 00:22:29,932
You're like, "That's how they fucking
get to school. Nobody fucking told me...

481
00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:31,934
What a day. This is interesting."

482
00:22:32,518 --> 00:22:36,689
And then it's around 11 o'clock
and you're in the middle of a work meeting

483
00:22:36,772 --> 00:22:39,817
and you're like, "How long
is this fucking day gonna go for?

484
00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:41,527
Let me sleep!"

485
00:22:43,529 --> 00:22:48,075
My wife's grandmother turned...
she turned 101 years old,

486
00:22:48,158 --> 00:22:50,494
which is nice, 101 years old.

487
00:22:50,578 --> 00:22:52,913
That's good for the family,

488
00:22:52,997 --> 00:22:54,874
you know, good to have that
in your genes.

489
00:22:54,957 --> 00:22:56,584
My daughter's got that great life.

490
00:22:56,667 --> 00:22:58,544
My family, we fucking die...

491
00:22:58,627 --> 00:23:02,548
I should be dead is all I'm saying.
It makes no sense that I'm here right now.

492
00:23:02,631 --> 00:23:04,258
But 101 years old...

493
00:23:04,341 --> 00:23:07,928
I went to her birthday,
I gave her 101 punches in the shoulder...

494
00:23:08,637 --> 00:23:10,639
Just, she kept going, "Ooh."

495
00:23:10,723 --> 00:23:14,101
And I was saying, "It's tradition.
We can't break tradition, Grandma."

496
00:23:14,184 --> 00:23:16,729
She was like, "I want to break tradition."

497
00:23:16,812 --> 00:23:20,357
I was like, "Well, you can't.
So, just fucking deal with 94 more."

498
00:23:20,441 --> 00:23:22,109
And bam. "Oh!"

499
00:23:45,758 --> 00:23:51,472
<i>♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪</i>

500
00:23:53,265 --> 00:23:59,188
<i>♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪</i>

501
00:24:01,607 --> 00:24:03,734
<i>♪ Grandma died ♪</i>

502
00:24:03,817 --> 00:24:05,986
<i>♪ Grandma died ♪</i>

503
00:24:06,070 --> 00:24:09,365
<i>♪ Grandma died today ♪</i>

504
00:24:09,949 --> 00:24:13,410
<i>♪ How are we gonna tell the kids? ♪</i>

505
00:24:14,078 --> 00:24:16,789
<i>♪ Grandma died today ♪</i>

506
00:24:16,872 --> 00:24:21,919
<i>♪ I guess I'll go to a bingo game
And steal ♪</i>

507
00:24:22,002 --> 00:24:25,047
<i>♪ Somebody else's grandma ♪</i>

508
00:24:25,631 --> 00:24:28,634
<i>♪ And hope that my dumb kids ♪</i>

509
00:24:28,717 --> 00:24:31,929
<i>♪ Can't tell the difference ♪</i>

510
00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:40,020
What's going on?
You getting this camera all set?

511
00:24:40,104 --> 00:24:41,105
Don't get hurt.

512
00:24:41,188 --> 00:24:43,482
That's a heavy fucking piece of machinery.

513
00:24:43,565 --> 00:24:44,984
It's blocking you good.

514
00:24:45,067 --> 00:24:47,778
You okay? You got your beer.
That's a big fucking beer, man.

515
00:24:48,779 --> 00:24:50,781
Way to go. You get loose.

516
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:53,784
I dedicate this song
to the fucking drunk guy right there.

517
00:24:55,828 --> 00:24:57,287
Here we go.

518
00:25:00,666 --> 00:25:01,666
Yeah.

519
00:25:04,003 --> 00:25:05,254
Shoop!

520
00:25:08,924 --> 00:25:10,217
I love you!

521
00:25:12,136 --> 00:25:14,471
<i>♪ I am a grown man ♪</i>

522
00:25:15,723 --> 00:25:18,642
<i>♪ Pissing in the shower in my house ♪</i>

523
00:25:19,184 --> 00:25:22,146
<i>♪ Yes, I am a grown man ♪</i>

524
00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:26,066
<i>♪ Pissing in the shower in my house</i> ♪

525
00:25:26,859 --> 00:25:29,570
<i>♪ I have no respect for my family ♪</i>

526
00:25:30,446 --> 00:25:33,532
<i>♪ My kids will take a bath in here today ♪</i>

527
00:25:34,116 --> 00:25:36,994
<i>♪ I know I should go to the toilet ♪</i>

528
00:25:37,786 --> 00:25:39,705
<i>♪ But the toilet is too far ♪</i>

529
00:25:39,788 --> 00:25:42,499
<i>♪ The toilet is too far away ♪</i>

530
00:25:44,835 --> 00:25:46,837
<i>♪ I said the toilet is too far ♪</i>

531
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,048
<i>♪ The toilet is too far ♪</i>

532
00:25:49,131 --> 00:25:51,258
<i>♪ Once when I was drunk, I...</i> ♪

533
00:25:52,301 --> 00:25:54,470
<i>♪ Took a piss in the kitchen sink ♪</i>

534
00:25:56,180 --> 00:25:58,390
<i>♪ But I prefer the shower ♪</i>

535
00:25:59,433 --> 00:26:02,144
<i>♪ My wife's loofah is starting to stink ♪</i>

536
00:26:03,353 --> 00:26:06,065
<i>♪ When my kids go to school
In the morning ♪</i>

537
00:26:07,149 --> 00:26:09,818
<i>♪ They smell
Like they're soaking in piss ♪</i>

538
00:26:10,819 --> 00:26:12,780
<i>♪ Sometimes before I shower ♪</i>

539
00:26:12,863 --> 00:26:14,490
<i>♪ Sometimes before I shower ♪</i>

540
00:26:14,573 --> 00:26:16,867
<i>♪ I eat some asparagus ♪</i>

541
00:26:18,744 --> 00:26:20,204
<i>♪ I am an animal ♪</i>

542
00:26:22,331 --> 00:26:24,249
<i>♪ I am a destroyer ♪</i>

543
00:26:25,334 --> 00:26:27,836
<i>♪ They caught me pissing
In my neighbor's pool ♪</i>

544
00:26:29,129 --> 00:26:32,216
<i>♪ And now I have to get a lawyer ♪</i>

545
00:26:32,299 --> 00:26:34,384
<i>♪ It was worth it ♪</i>

546
00:26:35,844 --> 00:26:36,929
Thank you!

547
00:26:38,180 --> 00:26:39,765
That was fun.

548
00:26:42,309 --> 00:26:45,312
Are you ever wiping yourself,
uh, back there...

549
00:26:45,395 --> 00:26:48,148
You're wiping up pretty good,
and then you keep wiping.

550
00:26:48,232 --> 00:26:50,359
And then you've really...
you've got to keep wiping.

551
00:26:50,442 --> 00:26:52,820
And you wipe again,
and then you wipe another one.

552
00:26:52,903 --> 00:26:54,029
Then you go, "You know what?

553
00:26:54,113 --> 00:26:56,907
Just out of principal,
I'm stopping after this next one.

554
00:26:56,990 --> 00:26:58,367
It's fucking enough already.

555
00:26:58,450 --> 00:27:01,161
I don't care if I'm done or not.
This is fucking killing me.

556
00:27:02,454 --> 00:27:03,956
Whatever happens happens.

557
00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:06,291
Get me the fuck out of here.

558
00:27:09,336 --> 00:27:11,797
I did my first dick pic, everybody.

559
00:27:12,798 --> 00:27:13,799
Thank you.

560
00:27:14,508 --> 00:27:16,802
A dick pick is...
that's a weird thing to do.

561
00:27:16,885 --> 00:27:20,013
There's no reason for me to do it.
I'm fucking married.

562
00:27:20,097 --> 00:27:23,159
But all my friends are doing them,
so I'm like, "What the fuck, let me just...

563
00:27:23,183 --> 00:27:25,144
at least I can be part of the conversation

564
00:27:25,227 --> 00:27:26,907
when they're talking
about their dick pics.

565
00:27:26,937 --> 00:27:28,772
I can go, "Oh, yes, definitely."
You know?

566
00:27:30,023 --> 00:27:32,526
So, I do my first dick pick.

567
00:27:33,026 --> 00:27:34,403
I look back at it.

568
00:27:34,486 --> 00:27:36,697
There's a ghost in the background.

569
00:27:36,780 --> 00:27:39,074
So there's a ghost in the image,

570
00:27:39,158 --> 00:27:41,743
and I'm like,
"I live in fucking haunted house?"

571
00:27:41,827 --> 00:27:44,121
I had no idea. I want to show everybody...

572
00:27:44,621 --> 00:27:45,873
'cause...

573
00:27:45,956 --> 00:27:47,916
what are the chances of catching that?

574
00:27:48,667 --> 00:27:50,836
But my dick doesn't look...

575
00:27:51,420 --> 00:27:54,339
as good as I want it to look in the image.

576
00:27:54,423 --> 00:27:57,551
Plus, you know,
the fucking ghost was really tall,

577
00:27:57,634 --> 00:28:00,470
so he made my dick not look... exact.

578
00:28:00,554 --> 00:28:04,641
Plus the fucking ghost was holding a ruler
next to my dick.

579
00:28:04,725 --> 00:28:07,060
I was like, "What the fuck
is your problem?" to the ghost.

580
00:28:07,144 --> 00:28:08,061
He was like...

581
00:28:08,145 --> 00:28:10,647
The ghost was like,
"I live here too. I like to have fun."

582
00:28:11,773 --> 00:28:15,110
All right, I'm gonna play guitar
a little bit for you.

583
00:28:31,793 --> 00:28:34,755
♪ <i>My kid's only got one line in a play ♪</i>

584
00:28:34,838 --> 00:28:37,633
♪ <i>My kid's only got one line in a play ♪</i>

585
00:28:38,133 --> 00:28:40,761
<i>♪ My kid's only got one line in a play ♪</i>

586
00:28:40,844 --> 00:28:43,764
<i>♪ My kid's only got one line in a play ♪</i>

587
00:28:43,847 --> 00:28:45,641
<i>♪ And yet, the fact is ♪</i>

588
00:28:46,516 --> 00:28:48,977
<i>♪ We still gotta practice ♪</i>

589
00:28:49,061 --> 00:28:50,145
<i>♪ Every day ♪</i>

590
00:28:50,229 --> 00:28:53,232
<i>♪ Oh, no, my kid's only got
One line in a play ♪</i>

591
00:28:53,315 --> 00:28:56,526
<i>♪ My-my-my kid's only got
One line in a play ♪</i>

592
00:28:56,610 --> 00:28:59,488
<i>♪ The dumb teacher
Gave the big parts away ♪</i>

593
00:28:59,571 --> 00:29:02,532
<i>♪ Oh, no, my kid's only got
One line in a play ♪</i>

594
00:29:02,616 --> 00:29:04,868
<i>♪ It's in the first five minutes ♪</i>

595
00:29:06,036 --> 00:29:08,997
<i>♪ But my wife says
We still gotta stay the whole way ♪</i>

596
00:29:09,081 --> 00:29:12,584
<i>♪ Fuck no
My kid's only got one line in a play ♪</i>

597
00:29:12,668 --> 00:29:15,796
<i>♪ As soon as my wife looks the other way ♪</i>

598
00:29:15,879 --> 00:29:18,465
<i>♪ I phone in a bomb scare
And I call it a day ♪</i>

599
00:29:18,548 --> 00:29:21,718
<i>♪ Because my kid's only got
One line in a play ♪</i>

600
00:29:21,802 --> 00:29:23,303
<i>♪ And she got it wrong ♪</i>

601
00:29:29,935 --> 00:29:34,356
You love your kids more than anything
on the planet until like 9:30 at night.

602
00:29:34,439 --> 00:29:36,692
And then you're like,
"Okay... that's enough.

603
00:29:38,110 --> 00:29:40,904
I loved you all day long.
Just give me a little break.

604
00:29:41,405 --> 00:29:43,365
I answered all your crazy questions.

605
00:29:43,448 --> 00:29:45,575
I don't even know... I know nothing.

606
00:29:45,659 --> 00:29:48,620
That does not fucking help
when you have to answer your kid.

607
00:29:48,704 --> 00:29:50,956
I've got to make up every goddamn answer.

608
00:29:51,039 --> 00:29:52,416
"Are whales smart, Daddy?"

609
00:29:52,499 --> 00:29:55,919
"Well, you know, they're more street smart
than book smart, but..."

610
00:29:56,003 --> 00:29:58,797
I don't fucking know anything
about whales.

611
00:29:59,423 --> 00:30:02,259
My daughter plays basketball,
my nine year old.

612
00:30:02,342 --> 00:30:05,512
So, I go and see her play basketball,
and she's a sweetheart of a kid.

613
00:30:05,595 --> 00:30:08,515
And every time they put the kid
in the game, I get so excited.

614
00:30:08,598 --> 00:30:10,267
I take my video camera out,

615
00:30:10,350 --> 00:30:12,602
and I fucking video everything she does.

616
00:30:12,686 --> 00:30:16,023
And so, a couple Sundays ago,
I'm videoing my daughter

617
00:30:16,106 --> 00:30:17,274
and another dad goes,

618
00:30:17,357 --> 00:30:19,818
"Hey, can you email me that
when you're done?"

619
00:30:19,901 --> 00:30:21,528
And I go, "Yeah, absolutely, dude.

620
00:30:21,611 --> 00:30:24,239
And then I'm videoing my kid
and then I remembered.

621
00:30:24,323 --> 00:30:28,160
Actually, when I video my kid,
I say a lot of things, and...

622
00:30:28,243 --> 00:30:31,621
It's always not stuff
I want other people to hear.

623
00:30:31,705 --> 00:30:34,583
And I'm always like,
"Okay, you got it, you little cutie.

624
00:30:34,666 --> 00:30:37,336
You've got the ball. You're so good.
Look how good you are.

625
00:30:37,419 --> 00:30:40,505
You take the ball. Pass it to my kid.
Somebody pass it to my kid.

626
00:30:40,589 --> 00:30:43,050
I'll get a break your fucking neck,
I swear to God.

627
00:30:43,133 --> 00:30:46,261
Give that fucking ball to my fucking kid.
You all suck out there."

628
00:30:46,345 --> 00:30:50,474
And I was like, "I better not
email that to that man there.

629
00:30:50,557 --> 00:30:54,144
So I just emailed him
the ghost/dick pic thing.

630
00:30:54,227 --> 00:30:56,563
The guy was like,
"What the fuck's with the ruler?"

631
00:30:56,646 --> 00:31:00,275
I go, "Yeah, the ghost was an asshole.
Fuck that guy."

632
00:31:00,359 --> 00:31:01,359
"I'm with you."

633
00:31:01,735 --> 00:31:03,653
My little sweet daughter...

634
00:31:03,737 --> 00:31:04,821
the sixth grader,

635
00:31:04,905 --> 00:31:06,990
she comes back from school
and she's like,

636
00:31:07,074 --> 00:31:09,659
"All the boys keep saying,
'That's what she said...'

637
00:31:09,743 --> 00:31:11,244
and then they all laugh."

638
00:31:11,328 --> 00:31:13,830
- "Why Daddy?"
- And I was like, "Oh, boy."

639
00:31:13,914 --> 00:31:16,666
"Yeah, it seems like anything I say,

640
00:31:16,750 --> 00:31:18,919
they say, 'That's what she said.'

641
00:31:19,002 --> 00:31:22,255
They look at each other,
and they just laugh and laugh.

642
00:31:22,339 --> 00:31:25,175
And I'm confused. Help me Dad-da."

643
00:31:25,258 --> 00:31:28,428
And so, I'm like, "Okay,
how do I explain this to her?"

644
00:31:28,512 --> 00:31:31,681
And I'm trying to just figure out,
you know, the right way to do it,

645
00:31:31,765 --> 00:31:33,850
in a clean way, no cursing.

646
00:31:33,934 --> 00:31:36,603
And I'm just going,
"Uh... uh... uh... uh, well, it's a..."

647
00:31:36,686 --> 00:31:37,854
And then my kid goes,

648
00:31:37,938 --> 00:31:40,148
"That's okay, Daddy. You tried your best."

649
00:31:41,691 --> 00:31:43,985
And I was like, "That's what she said."

650
00:31:46,571 --> 00:31:47,697
All right, let's do this.

651
00:31:49,366 --> 00:31:51,993
That's not true. None of that...
None of this fucking story...

652
00:31:52,077 --> 00:31:53,912
All this is a lie. All right.

653
00:31:56,706 --> 00:31:58,792
♪ <i>I'll take the large, please ♪</i>

654
00:31:58,875 --> 00:32:00,919
<i>♪ Can't believe my eyes ♪</i>

655
00:32:01,002 --> 00:32:04,381
<i>♪ Sprinkles and fudge
And a smelly surprise ♪</i>

656
00:32:04,464 --> 00:32:07,926
<i>♪ Oh, ice cream lady ♪</i>

657
00:32:08,009 --> 00:32:10,637
<i>♪ Thank you for letting me
Eat your pussy ♪</i>

658
00:32:14,099 --> 00:32:15,392
Come on.

659
00:32:15,475 --> 00:32:19,479
You know you would fucking go
to that ice cream place all the time.

660
00:32:21,106 --> 00:32:22,607
<i>Oh, Sandman.</i>

661
00:32:22,691 --> 00:32:24,901
<i>That's too much.</i>

662
00:32:24,985 --> 00:32:26,319
Okay.

663
00:32:28,530 --> 00:32:29,531
Just getting ready.

664
00:32:30,991 --> 00:32:33,660
<i>♪ The pilot had a heart attack</i> ♪

665
00:32:34,286 --> 00:32:36,621
<i>♪ The co-pilot can't be found ♪</i>

666
00:32:37,372 --> 00:32:40,083
<i>♪ The people in the aisles are screaming ♪</i>

667
00:32:40,167 --> 00:32:43,044
<i>♪ They know the plane's going down ♪</i>

668
00:32:43,128 --> 00:32:45,922
<i>♪ We need a hero, someone to save us ♪</i>

669
00:32:46,006 --> 00:32:49,176
<i>♪ We need a hero to land the plane ♪</i>

670
00:32:49,259 --> 00:32:51,553
<i>♪ We need a hero who's going to do it ♪</i>

671
00:32:52,304 --> 00:32:55,056
<i>♪ We need a hero to save the day ♪</i>

672
00:32:55,140 --> 00:32:58,477
<i>♪ So I jump to my feet and I volunteer ♪</i>

673
00:32:58,560 --> 00:33:01,480
<i>♪ The people on the plane
All start to cheer ♪</i>

674
00:33:01,563 --> 00:33:04,399
<i>♪ I get a high-five from a baby ♪</i>

675
00:33:04,900 --> 00:33:07,694
<i>♪ And a hickey from a flight attendant ♪</i>

676
00:33:07,777 --> 00:33:11,031
<i>♪ So I go in the cockpit
Put the headset on ♪</i>

677
00:33:11,114 --> 00:33:13,909
<i>♪ And grab the main control ♪</i>

678
00:33:13,992 --> 00:33:16,286
<i>♪ Then right away I crash the plane ♪</i>

679
00:33:16,369 --> 00:33:18,205
<i>♪ Because I don't know what I'm doing ♪</i>

680
00:33:19,206 --> 00:33:21,124
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

681
00:33:23,543 --> 00:33:24,543
Yeah.

682
00:33:27,631 --> 00:33:28,631
Thank you.

683
00:33:31,718 --> 00:33:34,387
♪ <i>We're on a runaway train ♪</i>

684
00:33:34,930 --> 00:33:37,891
<i>♪ The conductor had a meltdown ♪</i>

685
00:33:37,974 --> 00:33:40,936
<i>♪ The people in the dining car ♪</i>

686
00:33:41,019 --> 00:33:43,855
<i>♪ Are screaming really, really loud ♪</i>

687
00:33:43,939 --> 00:33:46,608
<i>♪ We need a hero, someone to save us ♪</i>

688
00:33:46,691 --> 00:33:50,070
<i>♪ Yeah, we need a hero
To bring us through the danger ♪</i>

689
00:33:50,153 --> 00:33:52,906
<i>♪ We need a hero, somebody competent ♪</i>

690
00:33:52,989 --> 00:33:56,076
<i>♪ We need a hero to save the day, yeah ♪</i>

691
00:33:56,159 --> 00:33:59,037
<i>♪ So I put the engineer's hat
On the top of my head ♪</i>

692
00:33:59,621 --> 00:34:02,582
<i>♪ The people go fucking crazy ♪</i>

693
00:34:02,666 --> 00:34:05,460
<i>♪ A guy says, "You're the man, man" ♪</i>

694
00:34:05,544 --> 00:34:08,630
<i>♪ And a deaf woman signs
"Go get 'em" ♪</i>

695
00:34:08,713 --> 00:34:11,925
<i>♪ Then I go to the cab
And I toot the whistle ♪</i>

696
00:34:12,008 --> 00:34:14,761
<i>♪ That's something I always wanted to do ♪</i>

697
00:34:14,844 --> 00:34:16,930
<i>♪ Then right away we fly off the bridge ♪</i>

698
00:34:17,013 --> 00:34:18,890
<i>♪ Because I don't know what I'm doing ♪</i>

699
00:34:19,891 --> 00:34:21,309
Thank you. Thank you.

700
00:34:23,270 --> 00:34:24,270
Thank you.

701
00:34:27,315 --> 00:34:28,315
Ahh.

702
00:34:31,528 --> 00:34:34,781
♪ <i>We're in a nice family restaurant ♪</i>

703
00:34:34,864 --> 00:34:38,118
<i>♪ Somebody's grandma's choking
On a lamb chop</i> ♪

704
00:34:39,661 --> 00:34:42,872
<i>♪ There's panic in the air
As Nana's face turns blue ♪</i>

705
00:34:42,956 --> 00:34:45,625
<i>♪ The busboy screams in Spanish
"What the fuck do we do?" ♪</i>

706
00:34:45,709 --> 00:34:48,295
<i>♪ We need a hero who's gonna do it ♪</i>

707
00:34:49,045 --> 00:34:51,798
<i>♪ We need a hero
To clean out her windpipe ♪</i>

708
00:34:51,881 --> 00:34:54,884
<i>♪ We need a hero
Who's down with Heimlich ♪</i>

709
00:34:54,968 --> 00:34:58,138
<i>♪ We need a hero to save the day, yeah ♪</i>

710
00:34:58,221 --> 00:35:00,682
<i>♪ So I slap my napkin down on the table ♪</i>

711
00:35:01,266 --> 00:35:04,144
<i>♪ And I get a fucking standing ovation ♪</i>

712
00:35:04,811 --> 00:35:07,772
<i>♪ Another guy gets up
And says he's a doctor ♪</i>

713
00:35:07,856 --> 00:35:10,859
<i>♪ I say, "Sit the fuck down
I got this shit" ♪</i>

714
00:35:10,942 --> 00:35:13,820
<i>♪ Then I wrap my arms
Around Grandma's chest ♪</i>

715
00:35:13,903 --> 00:35:16,990
<i>♪ And I look her grandkids
Deep in the eyes ♪</i>

716
00:35:17,073 --> 00:35:18,408
<i>♪ Then right away... ♪</i>

717
00:35:20,368 --> 00:35:22,454
<i>♪ Then right away I break all her ribs ♪</i>

718
00:35:22,537 --> 00:35:24,998
<i>♪ Because I don't know what I'm doing ♪</i>

719
00:35:25,081 --> 00:35:25,999
Grandma!

720
00:35:29,711 --> 00:35:30,962
What the fuck was that?

721
00:35:33,089 --> 00:35:34,174
After every joke...

722
00:35:37,427 --> 00:35:39,179
This is one that we don't play that much

723
00:35:39,262 --> 00:35:41,806
But, uh...
but I figured it's fucking Jersey.

724
00:35:41,890 --> 00:35:44,351
I think you guys might enjoy this.
So here we go.

725
00:35:56,404 --> 00:35:58,448
<i>♪ Thirteenth birthday ♪</i>

726
00:35:58,531 --> 00:36:00,116
<i>♪ People come from far away</i> ♪

727
00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:01,993
<i>♪ Aunts and uncles show up ♪</i>

728
00:36:02,077 --> 00:36:04,037
<i>♪ I brush my fro up ♪</i>

729
00:36:04,120 --> 00:36:05,538
<i>♪ Feeling skittish ♪</i>

730
00:36:05,622 --> 00:36:07,457
<i>♪ People speaking Yiddish</i> ♪

731
00:36:07,540 --> 00:36:09,292
<i>♪ Buy a freaky suit and tie ♪</i>

732
00:36:09,376 --> 00:36:11,086
<i>♪ Tailor's hanging on my thigh ♪</i>

733
00:36:11,169 --> 00:36:12,879
<i>♪ Practice for the whole year ♪</i>

734
00:36:12,962 --> 00:36:14,673
<i>♪ Paralyzed with fear ♪</i>

735
00:36:14,756 --> 00:36:16,466
<i>♪ Hebrew flash cards on my walls ♪</i>

736
00:36:16,549 --> 00:36:18,635
<i>♪ Voice is changing, dropped my balls ♪</i>

737
00:36:18,718 --> 00:36:20,053
<i>♪ Dad's mad at the cost ♪</i>

738
00:36:20,136 --> 00:36:21,888
<i>♪ Too bad Mom's the boss ♪</i>

739
00:36:21,971 --> 00:36:23,682
<i>♪ Grandmas are full of joy ♪</i>

740
00:36:24,265 --> 00:36:27,185
<i>♪ For the Bar Mitzvah boy ♪</i>

741
00:36:27,268 --> 00:36:28,520
<i>♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪</i>

742
00:36:28,603 --> 00:36:30,772
<i>♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪</i>

743
00:36:30,855 --> 00:36:32,065
<i>♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪</i>

744
00:36:32,148 --> 00:36:34,484
<i>♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪</i>

745
00:36:34,567 --> 00:36:35,902
<i>♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪</i>

746
00:36:35,985 --> 00:36:38,071
<i>♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪</i>

747
00:36:38,154 --> 00:36:39,406
<i>♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪</i>

748
00:36:39,489 --> 00:36:41,866
<i>♪ Okay, up on the podium ♪</i>

749
00:36:41,950 --> 00:36:43,743
<i>♪ I'm staring out at everyone ♪</i>

750
00:36:43,827 --> 00:36:45,578
<i>♪ Can't remember how it goes ♪</i>

751
00:36:45,662 --> 00:36:47,539
<i>♪ Whistle from my rabbi's nose ♪</i>

752
00:36:47,622 --> 00:36:49,165
<i>♪ Oh, man, this is it ♪</i>

753
00:36:49,249 --> 00:36:50,875
<i>♪ Make up some crazy shit ♪</i>

754
00:36:50,959 --> 00:36:52,794
<i>♪ Baruch atah, a cha-cha-cha ♪</i>

755
00:36:52,877 --> 00:36:54,546
<i>♪ Everybody says, "Good job" ♪</i>

756
00:36:54,629 --> 00:36:56,464
<i>♪ Now I'm done, sweet relief ♪</i>

757
00:36:56,548 --> 00:36:58,383
<i>♪ Lipstick on Mama's teeth ♪</i>

758
00:36:58,466 --> 00:37:00,135
<i>♪ Catholic friends all ask me this ♪</i>

759
00:37:00,218 --> 00:37:01,970
<i>♪ "What the fuck is a knish?" ♪</i>

760
00:37:02,053 --> 00:37:03,722
<i>♪ Kids are all coming in ♪</i>

761
00:37:03,805 --> 00:37:05,515
<i>♪ Checks and bonds and fountain pens ♪</i>

762
00:37:05,598 --> 00:37:07,308
<i>♪ Make a bank deposit ♪</i>

763
00:37:07,392 --> 00:37:09,269
<i>♪ Make out in the closet ♪</i>

764
00:37:09,352 --> 00:37:12,647
<i>♪ He's the Bar Mitzvah boy ♪</i>

765
00:37:12,731 --> 00:37:13,940
<i>♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪</i>

766
00:37:14,023 --> 00:37:16,192
<i>♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪</i>

767
00:37:16,276 --> 00:37:17,652
<i>♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪</i>

768
00:37:17,736 --> 00:37:19,654
<i>♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪</i>

769
00:37:19,738 --> 00:37:21,114
<i>♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪</i>

770
00:37:21,197 --> 00:37:23,366
<i>♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪</i>

771
00:37:23,450 --> 00:37:24,826
<i>♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪</i>

772
00:37:25,410 --> 00:37:27,203
<i>♪ The rabbi does the Electric Slide ♪</i>

773
00:37:27,287 --> 00:37:29,122
<i>♪ Grandma's ass is six feet wide ♪</i>

774
00:37:29,205 --> 00:37:30,915
<i>♪ Party music never stops ♪</i>

775
00:37:30,999 --> 00:37:32,834
<i>♪ All my friends drinking schnapps ♪</i>

776
00:37:32,917 --> 00:37:34,419
<i>♪ Boys are short, girls are tall ♪</i>

777
00:37:34,502 --> 00:37:36,379
<i>♪ Pass me the alcohol ♪</i>

778
00:37:36,463 --> 00:37:38,006
<i>♪ Chug as much as I can ♪</i>

779
00:37:38,089 --> 00:37:39,632
<i>♪ Vomit on the klezmer band ♪</i>

780
00:37:39,716 --> 00:37:41,760
<i>♪ Mom and Dad yell at me ♪</i>

781
00:37:41,843 --> 00:37:43,261
<i>♪ This strains my family ♪</i>

782
00:37:43,344 --> 00:37:45,221
<i>♪ But I'm a man, so I don't care ♪</i>

783
00:37:45,305 --> 00:37:47,182
<i>♪ Got my first mustache hair ♪</i>

784
00:37:47,265 --> 00:37:50,685
<i>♪ I'm the Bar Mitzvah boy ♪</i>

785
00:37:50,769 --> 00:37:51,895
<i> ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪</i>

786
00:37:51,978 --> 00:37:54,314
<i>♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪</i>

787
00:37:54,397 --> 00:37:55,523
<i> ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪</i>

788
00:37:55,607 --> 00:37:57,692
<i>♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪</i>

789
00:37:57,776 --> 00:37:58,985
<i> ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪</i>

790
00:37:59,068 --> 00:38:01,321
<i>♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪</i>

791
00:38:01,404 --> 00:38:02,697
<i> ♪ Bar Mitzvah boy ♪</i>

792
00:38:02,781 --> 00:38:06,284
<i>♪ And it's the best day of my life</i> ♪

793
00:38:06,367 --> 00:38:08,286
<i>♪ Until three years later ♪</i>

794
00:38:08,369 --> 00:38:11,039
<i>♪ When my parents stop
Making me go to temple</i> ♪

795
00:38:12,832 --> 00:38:15,376
Very nice, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.

796
00:38:20,256 --> 00:38:22,717
So I'll tell you a little story
about Disney World.

797
00:38:22,801 --> 00:38:25,595
You want to hear
a true Adam Sandler Story?

798
00:38:25,678 --> 00:38:27,931
Please, I can... Okay.

799
00:38:28,473 --> 00:38:30,475
So you guys have been
to Disney World, right?

800
00:38:30,558 --> 00:38:32,644
The families have been there.

801
00:38:32,727 --> 00:38:35,438
Who doesn't have kids
and still goes to Disney World?

802
00:38:37,357 --> 00:38:39,484
You fucking stoners.

803
00:38:39,567 --> 00:38:41,402
I'm on to you.

804
00:38:43,446 --> 00:38:45,990
All right, so I go
to Disney World recently

805
00:38:46,074 --> 00:38:48,827
with my wife and the two kids.

806
00:38:48,910 --> 00:38:51,037
My kids wanted
to go on this roller coaster.

807
00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:53,414
They were very excited.
So, we wait on the line.

808
00:38:53,498 --> 00:38:55,378
We're waiting.
You know the lines are very long.

809
00:38:55,458 --> 00:38:57,377
So, it takes like an hour and 15 minutes.

810
00:38:57,460 --> 00:38:59,212
We get to the front of the line,

811
00:38:59,295 --> 00:39:03,967
and then the roller coaster, we find out,
only takes three people at a time.

812
00:39:04,050 --> 00:39:05,593
So, there's four of us.

813
00:39:05,677 --> 00:39:07,512
And I see my wife and the two kids

814
00:39:07,595 --> 00:39:09,973
just immediately start walking
to the thing.

815
00:39:10,056 --> 00:39:12,851
And I was like, we're not even
gonna flip a coin. Not...

816
00:39:12,934 --> 00:39:15,603
Not even a thought, right?
They're like, "No, no..."

817
00:39:15,687 --> 00:39:16,896
I was like, "Yeah. All right."

818
00:39:16,980 --> 00:39:19,732
And so, I'm sitting there very angry.
I'm stewing.

819
00:39:19,816 --> 00:39:22,277
Like, "I waited a fucking hour
and 15 minutes

820
00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:25,488
to go on this fucking shit with you guys,
and you fucking bail on me."

821
00:39:25,572 --> 00:39:29,993
Then I see it happens to some other dad
from Oklahoma, and he's muttering.

822
00:39:30,076 --> 00:39:33,162
He's like, "Goddamn motherfucker...
They're mean as shit.

823
00:39:33,246 --> 00:39:34,622
And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah."

824
00:39:34,706 --> 00:39:36,249
And then I say to the other dad,

825
00:39:36,332 --> 00:39:38,793
I go, "You want fucking me and you
to go on it together?

826
00:39:38,877 --> 00:39:41,421
And he's like, "What?"
I go, "Well, I'm not going alone.

827
00:39:41,504 --> 00:39:43,381
Let's fucking do this shit.
I'll go with you."

828
00:39:43,464 --> 00:39:46,175
And he's like,
"Yeah, whatever the fuck you want."

829
00:39:46,259 --> 00:39:47,677
And so...

830
00:39:48,219 --> 00:39:51,306
So I get on the roller coaster
with the guy

831
00:39:51,389 --> 00:39:53,029
and we're both not talking to each other.

832
00:39:53,057 --> 00:39:54,893
The roller coaster takes off,

833
00:39:54,976 --> 00:39:57,061
and you know how they take off
so fucking fast...

834
00:39:57,145 --> 00:40:00,231
that both our necks snap back,
and we look at each other.

835
00:40:00,315 --> 00:40:01,635
And he's like "Ooh, that got me."

836
00:40:01,691 --> 00:40:04,027
I was like, "Oh, yeah,
that was fucked up, man."

837
00:40:04,110 --> 00:40:05,528
We start laughing a little bit.

838
00:40:05,612 --> 00:40:07,739
And we're fucking
all of a sudden loosening up.

839
00:40:07,822 --> 00:40:11,743
And we're fucking doing all the... jetting,
banging into these fucking crazy turns.

840
00:40:11,826 --> 00:40:14,454
I'm fucking leaning,
100% leaning on the guy.

841
00:40:14,537 --> 00:40:18,249
He's looking at me like, "What the fuck?"
I was like, "Hey, here we are."

842
00:40:18,333 --> 00:40:20,126
And we're laughing our asses off.

843
00:40:20,209 --> 00:40:24,047
And I'm like, "Holy shit, I haven't been
this happy in at least 11 years.

844
00:40:24,130 --> 00:40:28,009
I know that, but whatever,
I'm fucking... jetting around,

845
00:40:28,092 --> 00:40:29,260
fucking doing loop-the-loops.

846
00:40:29,344 --> 00:40:30,637
He's fucking bumping my first.

847
00:40:30,720 --> 00:40:32,907
I'm like, "Yeah, motherfucker."
He's like, "Yeah, baby."

848
00:40:32,931 --> 00:40:34,474
We get to the end. The fucking...

849
00:40:34,557 --> 00:40:36,351
You know how the break
comes out of nowhere.

850
00:40:36,434 --> 00:40:39,479
It fucking screeches on,
both our fucking heads snap again.

851
00:40:39,562 --> 00:40:42,941
He's like, "They got us again.
I was like, "Fuck yeah, we'll never learn.

852
00:40:44,817 --> 00:40:49,113
So, uh, we're creeping up
to, you know, getting off the ride,

853
00:40:49,197 --> 00:40:50,740
how it's like a little slow at exit,

854
00:40:50,823 --> 00:40:52,992
and we're sitting there,
and I'm fucking...

855
00:40:53,451 --> 00:40:55,453
I feel this crazy pain in my heart,

856
00:40:56,245 --> 00:40:59,582
and I'm like, "Did I fucking fall in love
with this guy or some shit?

857
00:40:59,666 --> 00:41:00,792
What happened?

858
00:41:00,875 --> 00:41:03,503
And he's not looking at me.
I'm like this guy feels it too,

859
00:41:03,586 --> 00:41:05,588
'cause he's in a fucking daze.
We're both...

860
00:41:05,672 --> 00:41:08,675
And my kids are like,
"Come on, let's go to Peter Pan."

861
00:41:08,758 --> 00:41:10,426
I was like, "All right, in a minute."

862
00:41:10,510 --> 00:41:12,178
I'm yelling at the kids too loud.

863
00:41:12,261 --> 00:41:14,222
"I've got to say goodbye to the man."

864
00:41:14,305 --> 00:41:15,431
And, uh...

865
00:41:15,515 --> 00:41:17,767
I get off. I go, "Hey, nice to meet you."

866
00:41:17,850 --> 00:41:19,727
He's like, "Yeah, nice to meet you."

867
00:41:19,811 --> 00:41:21,980
He won't look at me,
and we're both all fucked up.

868
00:41:22,063 --> 00:41:24,524
He goes back to his family,
I go back to mine.

869
00:41:24,607 --> 00:41:25,817
I'm walking away.

870
00:41:25,900 --> 00:41:28,736
In my head, I'm like, "I'm never gonna see
that fucking guy again,

871
00:41:28,820 --> 00:41:30,822
and I don't feel good about that.

872
00:41:30,905 --> 00:41:31,905
Um...

873
00:41:32,323 --> 00:41:33,491
And then I...

874
00:41:33,574 --> 00:41:34,993
And then I go...

875
00:41:35,618 --> 00:41:37,495
"They take your picture though...

876
00:41:38,121 --> 00:41:39,247
on those rides.

877
00:41:39,789 --> 00:41:41,666
You know, just for memory's sake.

878
00:41:41,749 --> 00:41:45,169
Just, what the fuck, I'm gonna go see,
maybe they snapped us, maybe they didn't.

879
00:41:45,253 --> 00:41:47,839
But if they did... why not?
Fuck it, you know. Let's just see."

880
00:41:47,922 --> 00:41:49,340
And so, we...

881
00:41:49,424 --> 00:41:50,842
We go to the, uh...

882
00:41:50,925 --> 00:41:53,845
I go to that place
where there's the fucking monitor up.

883
00:41:53,928 --> 00:41:56,222
Sure enough, there's a picture
of me and the guy,

884
00:41:56,305 --> 00:41:59,058
upside down, in the loop-the-loop...

885
00:41:59,142 --> 00:42:02,687
staring so deep into each other's eyes.

886
00:42:02,770 --> 00:42:04,063
It was fucking bananas.

887
00:42:04,147 --> 00:42:07,316
I was like, "Okay, he felt it.
He definitely felt it too."

888
00:42:07,400 --> 00:42:12,488
So, I say to the lady behind the counter,
"Hey, how much is that?"

889
00:42:12,572 --> 00:42:14,699
And the lady goes, "Sixty-five dollars."

890
00:42:14,782 --> 00:42:16,117
I was like, "Oh. Okay."

891
00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:19,245
And then I take my phone out,
and I fucking snap a shot of it.

892
00:42:19,328 --> 00:42:22,915
And then I feel this energy behind me.

893
00:42:22,999 --> 00:42:25,126
I look back, and it's the guy
from Oklahoma.

894
00:42:25,209 --> 00:42:27,462
He's holding the picture he just bought.

895
00:42:27,545 --> 00:42:30,131
And he was like, "I wasn't worth it?"

896
00:42:33,676 --> 00:42:35,428
So, anyways...

897
00:42:35,970 --> 00:42:38,931
If that man is watching
my Netflix special right now,

898
00:42:39,557 --> 00:42:41,100
I think of you a lot, sir.

899
00:42:41,184 --> 00:42:42,393
I think of you a lot.

900
00:42:43,269 --> 00:42:46,314
All right, Milwaukee,
let's fucking do this shit. Here we go.

901
00:42:47,398 --> 00:42:49,942
<i>♪ Yeah. Yeah. Yeah ♪</i>

902
00:42:51,903 --> 00:42:53,613
<i>♪ Here we go again ♪</i>

903
00:42:54,363 --> 00:42:55,448
♪ Come on ♪

904
00:42:56,657 --> 00:42:57,992
<i>♪ I'm heading out</i> ♪

905
00:42:58,076 --> 00:42:59,786
<i>♪ And all I'm taking with me</i> ♪

906
00:42:59,869 --> 00:43:01,329
<i>♪ Is my phone, wallet, keys ♪</i>

907
00:43:01,412 --> 00:43:03,247
<i>♪ Yeah, phone, wallet, keys ♪</i>

908
00:43:03,331 --> 00:43:06,459
<i>♪ Just those three things, please
Need my phone, wallet, keys ♪</i>

909
00:43:06,542 --> 00:43:08,419
<i>♪ Got my credit cards in my wallet ♪</i>

910
00:43:08,503 --> 00:43:10,213
<i>♪ Got my phone, you can call it ♪</i>

911
00:43:10,296 --> 00:43:11,756
<i>♪ Masterlock on my front door ♪</i>

912
00:43:11,839 --> 00:43:13,599
<i>♪ That's what my motherfucking keys
Are for ♪</i>

913
00:43:13,633 --> 00:43:14,967
<i>♪ My phone, wallet, keys ♪</i>

914
00:43:15,051 --> 00:43:16,761
<i>♪ Yeah, phone, wallet, keys ♪</i>

915
00:43:17,178 --> 00:43:20,139
<i>♪ Good things come in threes
Need my phone, wallet, keys ♪</i>

916
00:43:20,223 --> 00:43:23,726
<i>♪ If I'm going to the zoo
I need my phone, wallet, keys ♪</i>

917
00:43:23,810 --> 00:43:26,979
<i>♪ If I'm getting a face tattoo
I need my phone, wallet, keys ♪</i>

918
00:43:27,063 --> 00:43:30,566
<i>♪ If I'm going out to a wedding
If it's winter time and I'm sledding ♪</i>

919
00:43:30,650 --> 00:43:34,195
<i>♪ If I'm at the Daddy-Daughter dance
My phone, wallet, keys are in my pants ♪</i>

920
00:43:34,278 --> 00:43:37,281
<i>♪ I'm going on vacation
To the West Indies ♪</i>

921
00:43:37,365 --> 00:43:38,991
<i>♪ And I don't got no luggage ♪</i>

922
00:43:39,075 --> 00:43:40,701
<i>♪ Just got phone, wallet, keys ♪</i>

923
00:43:40,785 --> 00:43:42,620
<i>♪ I roll on up to the airport ♪</i>

924
00:43:42,703 --> 00:43:44,539
<i>♪ Lady asks for my passport ♪</i>

925
00:43:44,622 --> 00:43:45,790
Fuck.

926
00:43:45,873 --> 00:43:47,083
Okay.

927
00:43:47,166 --> 00:43:49,669
<i>♪ Guess I need my phone
Wallet, passport, keys ♪</i>

928
00:43:49,752 --> 00:43:51,337
<i>♪ Phone, wallet, passport, keys ♪</i>

929
00:43:51,420 --> 00:43:54,674
<i>♪ Now I need four things, bitch, please
Phone, wallet, passport, keys ♪</i>

930
00:43:54,757 --> 00:43:58,010
<i>♪ I'm finally on the plane
I'm riding Delta, Delta ♪</i>

931
00:43:58,094 --> 00:43:59,846
<i>♪ The lady farted next to me ♪</i>

932
00:43:59,929 --> 00:44:01,430
<i>♪ I smelled her, I smelled her ♪</i>

933
00:44:01,514 --> 00:44:03,391
<i>♪ We get to 30,000 feet ♪</i>

934
00:44:03,474 --> 00:44:05,101
<i>♪ I recline my fucking seat ♪</i>

935
00:44:05,184 --> 00:44:06,811
<i>♪ About to watch a movie, stop ♪</i>

936
00:44:06,894 --> 00:44:08,437
<i>♪ I forgot my laptop ♪</i>

937
00:44:08,521 --> 00:44:10,022
<i>♪ Mm, motherfucker ♪</i>

938
00:44:10,106 --> 00:44:11,106
<i>♪ Damn it ♪</i>

939
00:44:11,149 --> 00:44:13,693
<i>♪ Now I need my laptop
Phone, wallet, passport, keys ♪</i>

940
00:44:13,776 --> 00:44:15,420
<i>♪ Laptop, phone, wallet, passport, keys ♪</i>

941
00:44:15,444 --> 00:44:17,029
<i>♪ Too much shit, five fucking things ♪</i>

942
00:44:17,113 --> 00:44:20,324
<i>♪ Laptop, phone, wallet, passport, keys
I'm swinging my shit all over the place ♪</i>

943
00:44:20,408 --> 00:44:21,808
<i>♪ I'm hurting ya, I'm hurting ya ♪</i>

944
00:44:21,868 --> 00:44:23,161
<i>♪ I'm carrying so much shit ♪</i>

945
00:44:23,244 --> 00:44:25,621
<i>♪ I got a hernia, a hernia ♪</i>

946
00:44:25,705 --> 00:44:28,958
<i>♪ No place to put it, what can I do?
Probably should take my iPad too ♪</i>

947
00:44:29,041 --> 00:44:30,521
<i>♪ What the fuck else did I forget? ♪</i>

948
00:44:30,585 --> 00:44:32,503
<i>♪ Sandman, you need tons of shit ♪</i>

949
00:44:32,587 --> 00:44:34,213
<i>♪ My Tic Tacs, my backpack ♪</i>

950
00:44:34,297 --> 00:44:37,300
<i>♪ My Zippo lighter, my charge pack
My sunglasses, my hairspray ♪</i>

951
00:44:37,383 --> 00:44:39,385
<i>- ♪ My headphones ♪
- ♪ They're Beats by Dre ♪</i>

952
00:44:39,468 --> 00:44:42,805
<i>♪ My notebook, my GoPro
My vape pen, my crossbow ♪</i>

953
00:44:42,889 --> 00:44:44,307
<i>♪ My toothpick, my pocket knife ♪</i>

954
00:44:44,390 --> 00:44:46,100
<i>♪ Oh, fuck, I forgot my wife ♪</i>

955
00:44:46,184 --> 00:44:47,953
- <i>♪ Phone, wallet, keys ♪
- ♪ God damn ♪</i>

956
00:44:47,977 --> 00:44:49,187
<i>♪ Phone, wallet, keys ♪</i>

957
00:44:49,270 --> 00:44:51,147
<i>♪ It used to be so easy ♪</i>

958
00:44:51,230 --> 00:44:52,910
<i>♪ With my phone, my wallet
And my keys-ee ♪</i>

959
00:44:52,982 --> 00:44:56,402
<i>♪ Phone, wallet, keys, yeah
Phone, wallet, keys ♪</i>

960
00:44:56,485 --> 00:44:57,945
<i>♪ It used to be a breez-ee ♪</i>

961
00:44:58,029 --> 00:44:59,739
<i>♪ With my phone, my wallet
And my keys-ee ♪</i>

962
00:44:59,822 --> 00:45:03,034
<i>♪ My pockets got so heavy
Now I'm cramping, I'm cramping ♪</i>

963
00:45:03,117 --> 00:45:06,370
<i>♪ Each time I leave my house
It's like I'm camping, I'm camping</i> ♪

964
00:45:06,454 --> 00:45:09,999
<i>♪ I'm miserable, just standing around
I'm like a walking lost and found ♪</i>

965
00:45:10,082 --> 00:45:11,626
<i>♪ You know I'd rather stay at home ♪</i>

966
00:45:11,709 --> 00:45:14,712
<i>- ♪ Where all I need's my fucking phone ♪</i>
<i>- ♪ Phone, phone, phone ♪</i>

967
00:45:14,795 --> 00:45:17,006
<i>- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ Phone, phone, phone ♪</i>

968
00:45:17,089 --> 00:45:18,424
<i>♪ Much happier at home ♪</i>

969
00:45:18,507 --> 00:45:20,343
<i>♪ Just playing with my phone ♪</i>

970
00:45:20,426 --> 00:45:22,261
<i>- ♪ Phone, phone, phone ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪</i>

971
00:45:22,345 --> 00:45:23,429
<i>♪ Phone, phone, phone ♪</i>

972
00:45:23,512 --> 00:45:25,348
<i>♪ Yeah, I'll just stay at home ♪</i>

973
00:45:25,431 --> 00:45:28,100
<i>♪ And fiddle with my phone on the toilet ♪</i>

974
00:45:32,521 --> 00:45:34,482
I'm gonna do my first mic drop.

975
00:45:35,358 --> 00:45:36,734
Yeah.

976
00:45:36,817 --> 00:45:37,652
Yeah.

977
00:45:37,735 --> 00:45:40,821
You just got Sandoozled.

978
00:45:44,825 --> 00:45:46,452
Yeah, yeah.

979
00:45:46,535 --> 00:45:48,079
Sweet, sweet, sweet.

980
00:45:49,622 --> 00:45:50,831
That was a good ending.

981
00:45:50,915 --> 00:45:52,083
Thank you.

982
00:45:53,459 --> 00:45:55,753
Whoa, what the fuck is that? What is that?

983
00:45:56,379 --> 00:45:58,673
Oh, shit, you scared me with that one.

984
00:45:58,756 --> 00:46:00,216
Give me a second.

985
00:46:00,925 --> 00:46:02,677
Wait, okay. Okay, here we go.

986
00:46:04,595 --> 00:46:05,595
This one's fun.

987
00:46:06,764 --> 00:46:08,849
<i>♪ He's a very strong lad</i> ♪

988
00:46:10,184 --> 00:46:12,728
<i>♪ But he hasn't been laid in years</i> ♪

989
00:46:13,479 --> 00:46:16,107
<i>♪ Because the strong and handsome lad ♪</i>

990
00:46:16,983 --> 00:46:20,778
<i>♪ Has a terrible case of UFC ears ♪</i>

991
00:46:20,861 --> 00:46:23,990
<i>♪ UFC ears, UFC ears ♪</i>

992
00:46:24,073 --> 00:46:27,118
<i>♪ Cauliflower wrestling, UFC ears ♪</i>

993
00:46:27,618 --> 00:46:30,997
<i>♪ UFC ears, UFC ears ♪</i>

994
00:46:31,080 --> 00:46:34,041
<i>♪ Swollen and disfigured UFC ears ♪</i>

995
00:46:34,125 --> 00:46:36,335
<i>♪ He can beat you in the Octagon ♪</i>

996
00:46:37,545 --> 00:46:40,131
<i>♪ Afterwards drink 30 beers ♪</i>

997
00:46:41,299 --> 00:46:44,510
<i>♪ But that doesn't change
The horrible fact ♪</i>

998
00:46:44,593 --> 00:46:47,638
<i>♪ He also has a case of UFC ears ♪</i>

999
00:46:48,264 --> 00:46:51,517
<i>♪ UFC ears, UFC ears ♪</i>

1000
00:46:51,600 --> 00:46:55,021
<i>♪ Tiny little holes in his UFC ears ♪</i>

1001
00:46:55,104 --> 00:46:58,399
<i>♪ UFC ears, UFC ears ♪</i>

1002
00:46:58,482 --> 00:47:01,944
<i>♪ Can't stop looking at those UFC ears ♪</i>

1003
00:47:02,028 --> 00:47:05,281
<i>♪ Heavyweight boxers get the broken nose ♪</i>

1004
00:47:05,364 --> 00:47:08,534
<i>♪ Ballet dancers
Have those fucked up toes ♪</i>

1005
00:47:08,617 --> 00:47:11,912
<i>♪ MLB pitchers all have crazy beards ♪</i>

1006
00:47:11,996 --> 00:47:14,957
<i>♪ But I can't believe these guys
Can fucking hear ♪</i>

1007
00:47:15,041 --> 00:47:17,043
<i>♪ With those UFC ears ♪</i>

1008
00:47:17,126 --> 00:47:18,627
<i>♪ UFC ears ♪</i>

1009
00:47:19,128 --> 00:47:22,465
<i>♪ Puffy and disturbing UFC ears ♪</i>

1010
00:47:22,548 --> 00:47:25,885
<i>♪ UFC ears, that's right, UFC ears ♪</i>

1011
00:47:25,968 --> 00:47:29,096
<i>♪ Cries himself to sleep
He's got UFC ears ♪</i>

1012
00:47:29,180 --> 00:47:30,765
<i>♪ Now, after the show tonight ♪</i>

1013
00:47:32,433 --> 00:47:34,977
<i>♪ I'll be shaking
With cheeks wet with tears ♪</i>

1014
00:47:35,478 --> 00:47:38,731
<i>♪ Because he's going to find me
And beat my fucking head in ♪</i>

1015
00:47:39,315 --> 00:47:42,568
<i>♪ Screaming, "Welcome to the club
Of UFC ears" ♪</i>

1016
00:47:44,904 --> 00:47:45,904
<i>♪ Ears ♪</i>

1017
00:47:46,280 --> 00:47:47,280
<i>♪ Ears ♪</i>

1018
00:47:47,615 --> 00:47:48,615
<i>♪ Ears ♪</i>

1019
00:47:48,949 --> 00:47:49,949
<i>♪ Ears ♪</i>

1020
00:47:50,659 --> 00:47:51,994
Yeah.

1021
00:47:52,078 --> 00:47:53,078
Oh my.

1022
00:47:54,080 --> 00:47:56,957
That's some smokey shit.

1023
00:47:57,708 --> 00:47:59,668
This is not from us.
There is a fucking fire.

1024
00:47:59,752 --> 00:48:02,254
Let's get the fuck out of here. Quick.

1025
00:48:02,338 --> 00:48:04,256
No, I'm just joking.
Don't... don't bail on me.

1026
00:48:04,840 --> 00:48:07,426
Is that going into your mouth?

1027
00:48:08,177 --> 00:48:09,804
That's... Yeah, that's...

1028
00:48:09,887 --> 00:48:11,806
That's what she said. Yes. Very good.

1029
00:48:11,889 --> 00:48:13,808
That was fun.

1030
00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:15,142
Really good.

1031
00:48:15,226 --> 00:48:16,644
I liked that.

1032
00:48:16,727 --> 00:48:19,563
Yes, those UFC guys,
they are built pretty fucking good.

1033
00:48:19,647 --> 00:48:20,564
I can't stand...

1034
00:48:20,648 --> 00:48:22,900
That's the only reason I don't watch.
I get so angry

1035
00:48:22,983 --> 00:48:25,486
at how fucking chiselled
these fucking guys are.

1036
00:48:25,569 --> 00:48:29,240
I go to the gym, of course,
but I just go to pick my wife up.

1037
00:48:29,323 --> 00:48:31,659
I'm always like, "Hey, how was that?
How'd it go in there?"

1038
00:48:31,742 --> 00:48:34,787
She's like, "You've got to come in."
I'm like, "Yeah, definitely."

1039
00:48:35,371 --> 00:48:38,207
I got old enough now
that I don't take my shirt off anymore.

1040
00:48:38,290 --> 00:48:40,709
I'm 51, 51 years old.

1041
00:48:41,961 --> 00:48:44,296
So, I don't take my shirt off anymore

1042
00:48:44,380 --> 00:48:47,633
when I go swimming
at, like, a hotel pool with my kids.

1043
00:48:47,716 --> 00:48:49,260
I keep my fucking shirt on.

1044
00:48:49,343 --> 00:48:51,223
I'm swimming,
and everyone's pointing and stuff,

1045
00:48:51,303 --> 00:48:53,180
and like this lifeguard was yelling at me.

1046
00:48:53,264 --> 00:48:55,349
"You can't do that."
I'm like, "What the fuck is...

1047
00:48:55,433 --> 00:48:58,203
I'm humiliated, buddy. I just don't want
to take my fucking shirt off."

1048
00:48:58,227 --> 00:49:00,947
He's like, "No, you've got to wear
a bathing suit, your dick is out."

1049
00:49:00,980 --> 00:49:02,481
I'm like, "Oh, okay.

1050
00:49:02,565 --> 00:49:05,818
Oh, this is, uh...
one of the fancy Howard Johnson's.

1051
00:49:05,901 --> 00:49:06,944
I got you.

1052
00:49:07,027 --> 00:49:08,737
Fuck. Sorry, man."

1053
00:49:08,821 --> 00:49:11,323
The guys over 50 know
what I'm talking about.

1054
00:49:11,407 --> 00:49:15,703
The testicles do get bigger and bigger
as you get older.

1055
00:49:15,786 --> 00:49:18,622
They hang lower
and whatever the fuck happens...

1056
00:49:18,706 --> 00:49:20,958
You know, you've seen it
at the YMCA your whole life,

1057
00:49:21,041 --> 00:49:23,794
the older men with the giant balls,

1058
00:49:23,878 --> 00:49:25,838
and you're always wondering

1059
00:49:25,921 --> 00:49:28,757
why they're so free and happy, fucking...

1060
00:49:28,841 --> 00:49:31,010
Those are like the 85-year-old guys.

1061
00:49:31,093 --> 00:49:34,805
They don't give a fuck.
They just swing it... and whatever.

1062
00:49:34,889 --> 00:49:36,649
They don't even think
of throwing a towel on.

1063
00:49:36,682 --> 00:49:39,810
They're just like, "This is it.
I only got a few years left.

1064
00:49:39,894 --> 00:49:43,063
I want... You should remember me how I am,

1065
00:49:43,147 --> 00:49:45,024
with these giant..."

1066
00:49:45,107 --> 00:49:46,984
My balls are not that big,

1067
00:49:47,067 --> 00:49:50,237
but they still don't make sense
on my body.

1068
00:49:50,321 --> 00:49:54,158
My dick literally looks
like it's sitting in a bean bag chair.

1069
00:49:54,241 --> 00:49:57,453
Yeah, it's so comfortable.
My dick never...

1070
00:49:57,536 --> 00:49:59,330
it never wants to leave the balls.

1071
00:49:59,413 --> 00:50:00,789
It's always just resting.

1072
00:50:00,873 --> 00:50:04,543
So nice, like, "I love you guys.
You're my best friends."

1073
00:50:06,253 --> 00:50:09,131
The new giant balls get me into trouble
with my wife now,

1074
00:50:09,215 --> 00:50:10,841
because we're both not used to them.

1075
00:50:10,925 --> 00:50:14,512
I'm behind her doing my thing,
what you do when you're behind your wife.

1076
00:50:14,595 --> 00:50:16,180
And I'll hear, "Hey, hey, no spanking."

1077
00:50:16,263 --> 00:50:19,266
I'm like, "That wasn't me.
That was... That was those guys, babe."

1078
00:50:19,350 --> 00:50:20,768
And she's like, "Oh...

1079
00:50:21,352 --> 00:50:23,312
Oh, you got me again."

1080
00:50:24,813 --> 00:50:27,441
Okay, this is for the people
who either live together

1081
00:50:27,525 --> 00:50:29,109
or have been married for awhile.

1082
00:50:29,193 --> 00:50:30,361
Okay? This is for you.

1083
00:50:31,278 --> 00:50:33,656
<i>♪ You're giving me a strange look
In the mirror ♪</i>

1084
00:50:33,739 --> 00:50:35,491
<i>♪ As I brush my teeth ♪</i>

1085
00:50:37,701 --> 00:50:39,461
<i>♪ I don't know
What I could have done wrong ♪</i>

1086
00:50:39,537 --> 00:50:41,455
<i>♪ 'Cause I literally just woke up ♪</i>

1087
00:50:44,708 --> 00:50:47,711
<i>♪ Maybe you had a dream
That I cheated on you ♪</i>

1088
00:50:48,796 --> 00:50:53,092
<i>♪ Or you remember something mean I said
Like two fucking years ago ♪</i>

1089
00:50:55,177 --> 00:50:58,847
<i>♪ All I know is that all day long
It's gonna be weird ♪</i>

1090
00:50:59,848 --> 00:51:01,475
<i>♪ Eggshells ♪</i>

1091
00:51:01,559 --> 00:51:04,728
<i>♪ Why the hell is she walking past me
Without talking? ♪</i>

1092
00:51:05,396 --> 00:51:06,855
<i>♪ Eggshells ♪</i>

1093
00:51:06,939 --> 00:51:08,732
<i>♪ I told her her hair looked good ♪</i>

1094
00:51:08,816 --> 00:51:10,818
<i>♪ And that somehow made things worse ♪</i>

1095
00:51:11,569 --> 00:51:12,611
<i>♪ Eggshells ♪</i>

1096
00:51:12,695 --> 00:51:14,947
<i>♪ When she picks up the phone
She uses a nice voice ♪</i>

1097
00:51:15,030 --> 00:51:17,700
<i>♪ But when she hangs up
It's back to fucking monotone ♪</i>

1098
00:51:18,867 --> 00:51:19,952
<i>♪ Eggshells ♪</i>

1099
00:51:20,035 --> 00:51:21,954
<i>♪ I see you're reading a book
In the kitchen ♪</i>

1100
00:51:22,037 --> 00:51:24,873
<i>♪ But she hasn't turned a page
In 45 fucking minutes ♪</i>

1101
00:51:26,333 --> 00:51:27,668
<i>♪ Eggshells ♪</i>

1102
00:51:27,751 --> 00:51:29,712
<i>♪ Then I realize I said yesterday ♪</i>

1103
00:51:29,795 --> 00:51:32,381
<i>♪ I'd start going on walks with her ♪</i>

1104
00:51:33,132 --> 00:51:37,261
<i>♪ But I didn't say it
With enough enthusiasm ♪</i>

1105
00:51:37,761 --> 00:51:39,430
Thank you.

1106
00:51:39,513 --> 00:51:41,473
Yo, Sandman,
what's your favorite vegetable?

1107
00:51:41,515 --> 00:51:43,267
Ah-ha, we get it.

1108
00:51:46,979 --> 00:51:47,979
Oh, shit.

1109
00:51:49,273 --> 00:51:50,316
Yeah.

1110
00:51:52,026 --> 00:51:54,320
<i>♪ Unh, unh, unh, unh ♪</i>

1111
00:51:56,405 --> 00:52:01,410
Get up! Oh, everybody in the fucking arena
go fucking mental!

1112
00:52:03,078 --> 00:52:04,246
<i>♪ Oh, yeah</i> ♪

1113
00:52:05,914 --> 00:52:07,249
<i>♪ Feels so good</i> ♪

1114
00:52:08,751 --> 00:52:10,210
<i>♪ Kiss your body ♪</i>

1115
00:52:11,545 --> 00:52:13,672
<i>♪ Come on, let's get naughty ♪</i>

1116
00:52:14,256 --> 00:52:16,133
<i>♪ Now we're in the groove ♪</i>

1117
00:52:16,216 --> 00:52:19,428
<i>♪ Rocking so hard
Her belly's starting to move, yeah ♪</i>

1118
00:52:20,429 --> 00:52:22,264
<i>♪ I'm gonna show you how ♪</i>

1119
00:52:22,348 --> 00:52:24,683
<i>♪ Nothing in the world's
Gonna stop us now ♪</i>

1120
00:52:24,767 --> 00:52:29,396
<i>♪ So let's both ignore
That crazy pussy fart ♪</i>

1121
00:52:31,273 --> 00:52:32,775
Thank you.

1122
00:52:32,858 --> 00:52:34,777
The vagina fart

1123
00:52:34,860 --> 00:52:37,279
has been around a long time, girls.

1124
00:52:37,363 --> 00:52:38,572
No problem. It's fun.

1125
00:52:39,156 --> 00:52:42,117
The vagina fart, girls, I gotta say
still gets you every time.

1126
00:52:42,201 --> 00:52:45,412
Everybody. Every fellow here
enjoys them so much.

1127
00:52:45,496 --> 00:52:46,955
Just keep them coming, girls.

1128
00:52:47,873 --> 00:52:50,250
It just provides entertainment
in the bedroom.

1129
00:52:50,334 --> 00:52:52,002
Guys do not say nothing about it.

1130
00:52:52,086 --> 00:52:53,962
Guys will fucking ignore it every time.

1131
00:52:54,046 --> 00:52:56,715
Just because, you know,
if you comment on it, it's fucking over.

1132
00:52:56,799 --> 00:52:58,967
You're getting up and leaving
and that's it.

1133
00:52:59,051 --> 00:53:02,554
So you're like, "Okay, whatever the fuck
that was, let's keep...

1134
00:53:02,638 --> 00:53:04,056
Let's keep going forward."

1135
00:53:04,139 --> 00:53:07,059
I have been face-to-face
with the vagina fart.

1136
00:53:07,142 --> 00:53:10,896
I've been tagged pretty hard
by my wife right there.

1137
00:53:10,979 --> 00:53:12,147
I don't say shit.

1138
00:53:12,231 --> 00:53:13,857
You know, I might go like, "Uh."

1139
00:53:13,941 --> 00:53:15,609
I might give her one of those.

1140
00:53:16,193 --> 00:53:17,193
Hey, now.

1141
00:53:17,695 --> 00:53:20,656
But I always get right back in there
and finish off when I started.

1142
00:53:20,739 --> 00:53:25,077
You know, if my wife hits me
with like four or five of them in a row,

1143
00:53:25,160 --> 00:53:28,831
I might say, "I think you've got to do
some fucking jumping jacks or some shit.

1144
00:53:29,415 --> 00:53:31,625
You know, get a Q-Tip,

1145
00:53:31,709 --> 00:53:33,001
fucking pop that...

1146
00:53:33,085 --> 00:53:35,796
You got... Something's wrong.
Something's going on with you.

1147
00:53:35,879 --> 00:53:38,549
But when you come back,
I'll fucking finish you good.

1148
00:53:38,632 --> 00:53:40,008
I promise you.

1149
00:53:40,092 --> 00:53:41,844
If it was reversed...

1150
00:53:41,927 --> 00:53:44,847
let me just say...
the girls would not be as sweet to us.

1151
00:53:44,930 --> 00:53:47,015
If there was a dick fart,
if there was such a...

1152
00:53:47,099 --> 00:53:50,978
There's no dick fart,
but if there was a dick fart...

1153
00:53:51,061 --> 00:53:53,731
And it would be nothing.
It's such a little hole.

1154
00:53:53,814 --> 00:53:55,482
The sound would be nothing.

1155
00:53:55,566 --> 00:53:57,276
Your vaginas literally are like

1156
00:53:57,359 --> 00:54:01,155
acoustically fucking made
to blast out a boomer.

1157
00:54:01,697 --> 00:54:05,492
And... And we're just like, "All right,
let's play it off like it didn't happen."

1158
00:54:05,576 --> 00:54:08,370
With a dick fart, you'd be like...
At the most, it would sound like...

1159
00:54:09,788 --> 00:54:12,332
And you'd be like,
"Whoa, what the fuck is that?"

1160
00:54:16,795 --> 00:54:18,172
"I'm nervous. I don't know.

1161
00:54:18,964 --> 00:54:20,382
You don't think that's cute?

1162
00:54:20,883 --> 00:54:23,010
It sounds like a little Disney character.

1163
00:54:24,511 --> 00:54:25,511
Cinderelly."

1164
00:54:26,388 --> 00:54:27,306
"I'm leaving!"

1165
00:54:27,389 --> 00:54:29,558
We'd have to play it off
like it didn't happen.

1166
00:54:29,641 --> 00:54:31,041
Like, "No, I think the tea's ready.

1167
00:54:36,607 --> 00:54:39,526
My wife, one time, hit me in the face
with a combo platter.

1168
00:54:39,610 --> 00:54:42,279
She hit me with the vagina to the mouth...

1169
00:54:42,362 --> 00:54:43,363
Up high.

1170
00:54:43,947 --> 00:54:47,284
At the very same time,
hit me in the neck with the other...

1171
00:54:47,367 --> 00:54:48,452
the, uh...

1172
00:54:48,535 --> 00:54:51,497
She came up high and down low
at the very same time.

1173
00:54:51,580 --> 00:54:53,999
I fucking don't know what happened.
One time in 20 years.

1174
00:54:54,082 --> 00:54:56,585
Just fucking bam, in the face,
one in the neck.

1175
00:54:56,668 --> 00:54:59,421
Fucking hit me hard,
it was like the perfect storm.

1176
00:54:59,505 --> 00:55:01,632
We don't know
what she was eating that day,

1177
00:55:01,715 --> 00:55:03,175
but whatever the fuck it was,

1178
00:55:03,258 --> 00:55:04,551
she got me good.

1179
00:55:04,635 --> 00:55:06,637
I've got to say, it literally felt like

1180
00:55:06,720 --> 00:55:09,139
somebody opened the door
on a fucking airplane.

1181
00:55:09,223 --> 00:55:10,641
It was like, "Whoa!"

1182
00:55:12,184 --> 00:55:14,812
There was debris in the air and fucking...

1183
00:55:15,312 --> 00:55:18,148
Other passengers were floating
through my fucking room.

1184
00:55:20,400 --> 00:55:22,903
Oxygen masks dropped down.
You know, I was...

1185
00:55:22,986 --> 00:55:24,321
But I fucking took it like...

1186
00:55:24,404 --> 00:55:27,115
I did wish someone else saw it.
That was fucking incredible.

1187
00:55:27,199 --> 00:55:30,953
And then I hear the ghost go,
"I saw that shit. Oh, my God.

1188
00:55:31,036 --> 00:55:33,622
It fucking blew the ruler out of my hand."

1189
00:55:35,958 --> 00:55:39,461
So I tell my wife recently
I would love to try anal.

1190
00:55:39,545 --> 00:55:42,631
And I say to my wife,
"Hey, I would love to try anal."

1191
00:55:42,714 --> 00:55:44,466
And she goes, "Oh, I wouldn't."

1192
00:55:44,550 --> 00:55:45,801
And then I say, "Oh."

1193
00:55:46,802 --> 00:55:48,011
I said, "But I would."

1194
00:55:48,095 --> 00:55:50,138
And she goes, "Yeah, I know. I heard."

1195
00:55:51,181 --> 00:55:53,225
And then I said, "Okay, so let's..."

1196
00:55:53,308 --> 00:55:54,601
I really think we should.

1197
00:55:54,685 --> 00:55:56,353
She goes, "I'm just not into that."

1198
00:55:56,436 --> 00:55:58,230
And then I said, "You know, what?

1199
00:55:59,398 --> 00:56:00,399
I love you.

1200
00:56:00,482 --> 00:56:02,568
I'm gonna be with you
for the rest of my life.

1201
00:56:02,651 --> 00:56:04,152
I've been with you 20 years.

1202
00:56:04,236 --> 00:56:06,864
I've never cheated on you.
I never will cheat on you.

1203
00:56:06,947 --> 00:56:09,491
It's you and me against the world, baby.

1204
00:56:09,575 --> 00:56:13,036
And, uh... I really...
I got nowhere else to get this anal.

1205
00:56:13,120 --> 00:56:14,705
So...

1206
00:56:14,788 --> 00:56:16,628
I was like, "You've got
to fucking help me out.

1207
00:56:16,665 --> 00:56:18,292
It's a fantasy. Please?"

1208
00:56:18,375 --> 00:56:19,251
And, uh...

1209
00:56:19,334 --> 00:56:21,962
And she was nice. She said okay.

1210
00:56:22,045 --> 00:56:24,590
And so, on my birthday, she gave it up.

1211
00:56:24,673 --> 00:56:27,384
She gave it to me,
and she said she liked it.

1212
00:56:27,467 --> 00:56:29,177
She said it was fun

1213
00:56:29,261 --> 00:56:32,097
and she couldn't believe
she fit her whole fist inside me...

1214
00:56:32,180 --> 00:56:34,224
And so... I don't know.

1215
00:56:34,308 --> 00:56:36,894
I said, "You see? New experiences."

1216
00:56:38,478 --> 00:56:40,188
She's a good girl. That's my baby.

1217
00:56:40,689 --> 00:56:42,107
That's my baby.

1218
00:56:42,190 --> 00:56:44,109
Oh, Sandman.

1219
00:56:44,192 --> 00:56:45,903
That's too much.

1220
00:56:47,112 --> 00:56:48,112
<i>♪ Mmm ♪</i>

1221
00:56:49,656 --> 00:56:53,327
♪ <i>It's awfully cold in outer space today ♪</i>

1222
00:56:54,912 --> 00:56:57,080
<i>♪ The earth is just a tiny speck ♪</i>

1223
00:56:57,706 --> 00:56:59,499
<i>♪ A million miles away ♪</i>

1224
00:56:59,583 --> 00:57:02,586
<i>♪ I'm floating through the darkness ♪</i>

1225
00:57:02,669 --> 00:57:05,088
<i>♪ There's nothing much to see ♪</i>

1226
00:57:06,340 --> 00:57:09,092
<i>♪ And a Cosmonaut named Yuri ♪</i>

1227
00:57:09,176 --> 00:57:11,553
<i>♪ Is the only one with me ♪</i>

1228
00:57:13,013 --> 00:57:14,389
<i>♪ Mmm ♪</i>

1229
00:57:15,557 --> 00:57:18,018
<i>♪ Now we're in zero gravity ♪</i>

1230
00:57:18,101 --> 00:57:20,437
<i>♪ Just spinning round and round ♪</i>

1231
00:57:21,063 --> 00:57:23,440
<i>♪ The next thing you know
I'm right side up ♪</i>

1232
00:57:23,523 --> 00:57:25,609
<i>♪ And Yuri's upside down ♪</i>

1233
00:57:26,652 --> 00:57:29,029
<i>♪ My penis accidentally goes
In his mouth ♪</i>

1234
00:57:31,573 --> 00:57:35,118
<i>♪ His penis accidentally goes in mine ♪</i>

1235
00:57:37,829 --> 00:57:40,874
<i>♪ Yes, it's just another accident ♪</i>

1236
00:57:40,958 --> 00:57:43,752
<i>♪ On Station 69 ♪</i>

1237
00:57:45,379 --> 00:57:48,298
Ladies and gentlemen... Yuri.

1238
00:57:52,844 --> 00:57:54,846
Hello, people of Earth.

1239
00:57:58,183 --> 00:58:01,561
<i>♪ It's awfully cold
In outer space tonight</i> ♪

1240
00:58:02,062 --> 00:58:03,188
Yes.

1241
00:58:03,271 --> 00:58:05,649
<i>♪ I sent a message back to Earth ♪</i>

1242
00:58:05,732 --> 00:58:08,443
<i>♪ To tell them we're all right, yes ♪</i>

1243
00:58:08,527 --> 00:58:10,654
<i>♪ I check the telescopes ♪</i>

1244
00:58:10,737 --> 00:58:15,117
<i>♪ And look for instruments to fix ♪</i>

1245
00:58:17,160 --> 00:58:19,496
<i>♪ But my favorite part of space ♪</i>

1246
00:58:19,579 --> 00:58:24,001
<i>♪ Is when we suck each other's dicks ♪</i>

1247
00:58:24,084 --> 00:58:25,210
Absolutely.

1248
00:58:26,545 --> 00:58:28,880
<i>♪ We're spinning around in circles ♪</i>

1249
00:58:28,964 --> 00:58:31,717
<i>♪ And it feels very nice ♪</i>

1250
00:58:31,800 --> 00:58:34,428
<i>♪ When we kiss each other's penis tips ♪</i>

1251
00:58:34,511 --> 00:58:36,930
<i>♪ It seems like paradise ♪</i>

1252
00:58:37,514 --> 00:58:39,725
<i>- ♪ We're travelling in light speed ♪</i>
- Yes.

1253
00:58:39,808 --> 00:58:43,770
<i>♪ It's an intergalactic ride ♪</i>

1254
00:58:46,023 --> 00:58:48,025
<i>♪ Well, we used to have a monkey ♪</i>

1255
00:58:48,108 --> 00:58:48,942
Remember?

1256
00:58:49,026 --> 00:58:53,488
<i>♪ But I fucked it till it died</i> ♪

1257
00:58:53,572 --> 00:58:54,573
Yes, yes.

1258
00:58:55,407 --> 00:58:58,118
<i>♪ Yes, we're in zero gravity ♪</i>

1259
00:58:58,201 --> 00:59:00,495
<i>♪ Just spinning round and round ♪</i>

1260
00:59:00,996 --> 00:59:03,874
<i>♪ The next thing you know
I'm right-side up ♪</i>

1261
00:59:03,957 --> 00:59:05,792
<i>♪ And I am upside down ♪</i>

1262
00:59:10,672 --> 00:59:14,051
<i>♪ He accidentally puts his penis
In my mouth ♪</i>

1263
00:59:14,134 --> 00:59:17,763
<i>♪ And he puts his penis in mine ♪</i>

1264
00:59:20,474 --> 00:59:23,935
<i>♪ Yes, it's just another accident ♪</i>

1265
00:59:24,770 --> 00:59:27,189
<i>♪ It's just another thing
That on purpose I did ♪</i>

1266
00:59:28,732 --> 00:59:30,567
<i>♪ It's... It's just... ♪</i>

1267
00:59:32,360 --> 00:59:35,363
<i>♪ It's just another afternoon ♪</i>

1268
00:59:35,447 --> 00:59:41,119
<i>♪ On Station 69 ♪</i>

1269
00:59:42,913 --> 00:59:45,415
Go! Go back! Go back to space!

1270
00:59:45,499 --> 00:59:46,792
Get out of here!

1271
00:59:46,875 --> 00:59:48,668
Take him away!

1272
00:59:55,509 --> 00:59:57,010
What are you doing?

1273
00:59:57,094 --> 00:59:58,136
Help him.

1274
01:00:08,688 --> 01:00:10,440
All right, guys, gonna do this one.

1275
01:00:10,524 --> 01:00:12,901
This is a very special song.
I hope you like it.

1276
01:00:12,984 --> 01:00:14,945
It means a lot to us. Here we go.

1277
01:00:43,932 --> 01:00:45,851
<i>♪ The first time I saw him</i> ♪

1278
01:00:45,934 --> 01:00:48,812
<i>♪ He was sweeter than shit ♪</i>

1279
01:00:52,190 --> 01:00:54,484
<i>♪ Plaid jacket and belt too tight ♪</i>

1280
01:00:54,568 --> 01:00:56,820
<i>♪ He wasn't even doing a bit ♪</i>

1281
01:00:59,573 --> 01:01:01,616
<i>♪ Then he cartwheeled around the room</i> ♪

1282
01:01:01,700 --> 01:01:04,035
<i>♪ And slow-danced with the cleaning lady</i> ♪

1283
01:01:04,703 --> 01:01:06,997
<i>♪ He was a one-man party ♪</i>

1284
01:01:07,956 --> 01:01:10,167
<i>♪ You know who I'm talking about ♪</i>

1285
01:01:10,250 --> 01:01:13,170
<i>♪ I'm talking about
My friend Chris Farley ♪</i>

1286
01:01:19,968 --> 01:01:25,182
<i>♪ On Saturday night
My man would always deliver ♪</i>

1287
01:01:27,684 --> 01:01:29,769
<i>♪ Whether he was the Bumblebee girl ♪</i>

1288
01:01:29,853 --> 01:01:33,398
<i>♪ Or livin' in a van down by the river ♪</i>

1289
01:01:35,859 --> 01:01:40,197
<i>♪ He loved the bears and did the dance
At Chippendale's with Swayze</i> ♪

1290
01:01:40,280 --> 01:01:42,449
<i>♪ When they replaced his coffee
With Folgers ♪</i>

1291
01:01:42,532 --> 01:01:44,326
<i>♪ He went fucking crazy ♪</i>

1292
01:01:44,409 --> 01:01:46,036
<i>♪ The sexiest Gap girl ♪</i>

1293
01:01:46,119 --> 01:01:48,496
<i>♪ And Meatloaf in the band ♪</i>

1294
01:01:48,580 --> 01:01:52,250
<i>♪ Without him, there'd be no Lunch Lady
In Lunch Lady Land ♪</i>

1295
01:01:52,334 --> 01:01:54,544
<i>♪ You know who I'm thinking about ♪</i>

1296
01:01:54,628 --> 01:01:57,797
<i>♪ I'm thinking about my boy Chris Farley ♪</i>

1297
01:02:34,251 --> 01:02:36,169
I love you, Sandman!

1298
01:03:18,795 --> 01:03:21,464
<i>♪ After a show
He'd drink a quart of Jack Daniels ♪</i>

1299
01:03:21,548 --> 01:03:23,800
<i>♪ And stick the bottle right up his ass ♪</i>

1300
01:03:26,511 --> 01:03:29,014
<i>♪ But hungover as hell
That Catholic boy ♪</i>

1301
01:03:29,097 --> 01:03:31,891
<i>♪ Always showed up to morning mass ♪</i>

1302
01:03:34,477 --> 01:03:38,690
<i>♪ We'd tell him, "Slow down
You'll end up like Belushi and Candy ♪</i>

1303
01:03:38,773 --> 01:03:40,734
<i>♪ He said, "Those guys are my heroes" ♪</i>

1304
01:03:40,817 --> 01:03:42,777
<i>♪ That's all fine and dandy ♪</i>

1305
01:03:42,861 --> 01:03:44,612
<i>♪ I ain't making that shit up ♪</i>

1306
01:03:44,696 --> 01:03:47,949
<i>♪ That's the truth
About my boy Chris Farley ♪</i>

1307
01:03:51,828 --> 01:03:55,999
<i>♪ I saw him in the office
Crying with his headphones on ♪</i>

1308
01:03:56,082 --> 01:03:59,711
<i>♪ Listening
To a KC and the Sunshine Band song ♪</i>

1309
01:03:59,794 --> 01:04:03,506
<i>♪ I said buddy, "How the hell
Is that making you so sad?" ♪</i>

1310
01:04:04,090 --> 01:04:05,467
<i>♪ Then he laughed and said ♪</i>

1311
01:04:05,967 --> 01:04:07,969
<i>♪ Just thinking about my dad ♪</i>

1312
01:04:18,688 --> 01:04:21,149
<i>♪ The last big hang we had ♪</i>

1313
01:04:21,232 --> 01:04:23,818
<i>♪ Was at Timmy Meadows' wedding party ♪</i>

1314
01:04:26,571 --> 01:04:29,574
<i>♪ We laughed our balls off
All night long ♪</i>

1315
01:04:29,657 --> 01:04:31,659
<i>♪ Off the coast of Florida ♪</i>

1316
01:04:34,329 --> 01:04:36,247
<i>♪ But a few months later ♪</i>

1317
01:04:36,331 --> 01:04:38,583
<i>♪ The party came to an end ♪</i>

1318
01:04:38,666 --> 01:04:40,585
<i>♪ We flew out to Madison ♪</i>

1319
01:04:40,668 --> 01:04:42,670
<i>♪ To bury our friend ♪</i>

1320
01:04:42,754 --> 01:04:46,591
<i>♪ Nothing was harder than saying goodbye ♪</i>

1321
01:04:46,674 --> 01:04:51,513
<i>♪ Except watching Chris' father
Have his turn to cry ♪</i>

1322
01:04:52,722 --> 01:04:55,517
<i>♪ Mmm ♪</i>

1323
01:05:02,315 --> 01:05:04,692
<i>♪ Hey, buddy, life's moved on ♪</i>

1324
01:05:04,776 --> 01:05:07,821
<i>♪ But you still bring us so much joy ♪</i>

1325
01:05:10,490 --> 01:05:13,827
<i>♪ Make my kids laugh
With your YouTube clips ♪</i>

1326
01:05:13,910 --> 01:05:16,037
<i>♪ Or </i>Tommy Boy<i> ♪</i>

1327
01:05:18,498 --> 01:05:22,460
<i>♪ Well, when they ask me
Who's the funniest guy I ever knew ♪</i>

1328
01:05:22,544 --> 01:05:26,506
<i>♪ I tell them hands down
Without a doubt, it's you</i> ♪

1329
01:05:26,589 --> 01:05:28,383
<i>♪ Yeah, I miss hanging out ♪</i>

1330
01:05:28,466 --> 01:05:30,718
<i>♪ Watching you try to get laid ♪</i>

1331
01:05:30,802 --> 01:05:34,431
<i>♪ But most of all I miss
Watching you fuck with Spade ♪</i>

1332
01:05:34,514 --> 01:05:36,266
<i>♪ Well, it ended how you wanted ♪</i>

1333
01:05:36,349 --> 01:05:38,893
<i>♪ But I still wish you were here with me ♪</i>

1334
01:05:39,477 --> 01:05:42,063
<i>♪ And we were getting on a plane
To go shoot ♪</i>

1335
01:05:42,147 --> 01:05:45,150
♪ Grown Ups 3 ♪

1336
01:05:45,775 --> 01:05:49,446
<i>♪ Yeah, life ain't the same
Without you, boy</i> ♪

1337
01:05:50,613 --> 01:05:52,991
<i>♪ And that's why I'm singing about ♪</i>

1338
01:05:53,074 --> 01:05:57,662
<i>♪ I'm singing about
My friend Chris Farley ♪</i>

1339
01:05:58,288 --> 01:06:01,082
<i>♪ And if we make enough noise ♪</i>

1340
01:06:01,166 --> 01:06:03,001
<i>♪ Maybe he'll hear us ♪</i>

1341
01:06:05,462 --> 01:06:10,550
<i>♪ Give it up for the great ♪</i>

1342
01:06:10,633 --> 01:06:15,054
<i>♪ Chris Farley ♪</i>

1343
01:06:43,374 --> 01:06:46,336
By far the funniest fucking guy
of all time,

1344
01:06:46,419 --> 01:06:47,921
the Farls, man.

1345
01:06:48,463 --> 01:06:50,048
Yeah, baby, so thank you.

1346
01:06:50,131 --> 01:06:54,010
I couldn't wait to sing that to you guys,
and I knew it would be special here.

1347
01:06:54,093 --> 01:06:55,011
And thank you.

1348
01:06:59,557 --> 01:07:01,226
He was the best. He was the best.

1349
01:07:01,309 --> 01:07:04,479
Okay, you guys,
I'm gonna sing you this song right now.

1350
01:07:04,562 --> 01:07:06,397
This is the kind of a sweet song.

1351
01:07:06,481 --> 01:07:11,110
I sing it to my wife, because she lets me
talk about so many things

1352
01:07:11,194 --> 01:07:13,196
in front of you people.

1353
01:07:13,279 --> 01:07:14,822
And she doesn't even get mad at me.

1354
01:07:14,906 --> 01:07:16,407
She's pretty damn cool.
So here we go.

1355
01:07:18,201 --> 01:07:20,453
<i>♪ I met you 20 years ago</i> ♪

1356
01:07:20,537 --> 01:07:22,372
<i>♪ And we talked all night ♪</i>

1357
01:07:23,206 --> 01:07:24,582
<i>♪ You drank me under the table ♪</i>

1358
01:07:24,666 --> 01:07:26,793
<i>♪ Yeah, it was love at first sight ♪</i>

1359
01:07:26,876 --> 01:07:29,170
<i>♪ I knew right then and there ♪</i>

1360
01:07:29,837 --> 01:07:32,757
<i>♪ I'd grow old with you ♪</i>

1361
01:07:35,301 --> 01:07:37,428
<i>♪ I said I'd tell you jokes ♪</i>

1362
01:07:37,512 --> 01:07:39,847
<i>♪ Whenever you are sad ♪</i>

1363
01:07:39,931 --> 01:07:43,476
<i>♪ Make you a mom if you made me a dad ♪</i>

1364
01:07:43,560 --> 01:07:46,062
<i>♪ Oh, it's been so much fun ♪</i>

1365
01:07:47,021 --> 01:07:50,066
<i>♪ Growing old with you ♪</i>

1366
01:07:50,149 --> 01:07:50,984
<i>♪ Oh, oh ♪</i>

1367
01:07:52,151 --> 01:07:54,195
<i>♪ I love you ♪</i>

1368
01:07:54,279 --> 01:07:56,155
<i>♪ Foot rub you ♪</i>

1369
01:07:56,656 --> 01:08:00,243
<i>♪ Tell you you're the only one
I'm thinking of ♪</i>

1370
01:08:00,326 --> 01:08:02,453
<i>♪ Make big decisions with you ♪</i>

1371
01:08:02,537 --> 01:08:04,539
<i>♪ Try new positions with you ♪</i>

1372
01:08:06,416 --> 01:08:10,253
<i>♪ Even sit and watch
Fucking </i>Eat Pray Love <i>♪</i>

1373
01:08:11,379 --> 01:08:12,922
<i>♪ Two times in a row ♪</i>

1374
01:08:13,965 --> 01:08:16,175
<i>♪ Now when I'm on a diet ♪</i>

1375
01:08:16,259 --> 01:08:18,636
<i>♪ You take away my potatoes ♪</i>

1376
01:08:19,387 --> 01:08:23,141
<i>♪ Say, "Fuck all those guys"
After reading Rotten Tomatoes ♪</i>

1377
01:08:23,641 --> 01:08:26,060
<i>♪ I hope they all die miserable deaths ♪</i>

1378
01:08:26,561 --> 01:08:29,772
<i>♪ As I grow old with you ♪</i>

1379
01:08:31,858 --> 01:08:33,693
<i>♪ You scold me ♪</i>

1380
01:08:33,776 --> 01:08:35,737
<i>♪ You hold me ♪</i>

1381
01:08:36,237 --> 01:08:40,199
<i>♪ Look the other way
When I dress like a pimp ♪</i>

1382
01:08:40,283 --> 01:08:41,909
<i>♪ You cry to me ♪</i>

1383
01:08:41,993 --> 01:08:44,203
<i>♪ You lie to me ♪</i>

1384
01:08:44,787 --> 01:08:46,289
<i>♪ But only when you tell me ♪</i>

1385
01:08:46,372 --> 01:08:47,915
<i>♪ That the dick looks big ♪</i>

1386
01:08:51,085 --> 01:08:53,338
<i>♪ Now, we don't need a big house ♪</i>

1387
01:08:53,421 --> 01:08:55,381
<i>♪ We don't need any money ♪</i>

1388
01:08:56,007 --> 01:08:57,925
<i>♪ All we need is you and me ♪</i>

1389
01:08:58,009 --> 01:09:00,011
<i>♪ And Sadie and Sunny ♪</i>

1390
01:09:00,094 --> 01:09:01,929
<i>♪ I got everything I want ♪</i>

1391
01:09:03,056 --> 01:09:05,892
<i>♪ Growing old with you ♪</i>

1392
01:09:05,975 --> 01:09:08,561
And this goes for all of you guys
here tonight.

1393
01:09:08,645 --> 01:09:10,605
Yeah!

1394
01:09:10,688 --> 01:09:14,817
<i>♪ Thanks for growing old with... ♪</i>

1395
01:09:40,802 --> 01:09:44,222
<i>♪ Me ♪</i>

1396
01:09:44,305 --> 01:09:46,683
All right, you all, thank you so much.

1397
01:09:47,517 --> 01:09:48,601
Respect!

1398
01:09:49,769 --> 01:09:51,562
Rock and roll. I love you too.

1399
01:09:51,646 --> 01:09:53,106
Let's do it again sometime.

1400
01:09:53,773 --> 01:09:55,525
Thank you. Thank you.

1401
01:09:56,275 --> 01:09:59,570
Well, folks, I've been given the light
and I must go. But thank you very much.

1402
01:09:59,654 --> 01:10:01,030
Enjoy the rest of the show.

1403
01:10:54,792 --> 01:10:55,918
<i>♪ Ears ♪</i>

1404
01:11:24,030 --> 01:11:25,239
<i>♪ Ears ♪</i>

1405
01:12:27,176 --> 01:12:28,261
<i>♪ Ears ♪</i>

1406
01:12:42,191 --> 01:12:43,359
<i>♪ Ears ♪</i>

1407
01:13:01,669 --> 01:13:04,273
- I got... Go ahead.
- Why did the chicken cross the road?

1408
01:13:04,297 --> 01:13:06,257
Why did the chicken
cross the road? Why?

1409
01:13:06,340 --> 01:13:10,386
Because he wanted to get
some diarrhea to eat for breakfast.

1410
01:13:10,469 --> 01:13:12,972
Okay, your turn.

1411
01:13:13,055 --> 01:13:15,808
Hey, Dad. Hey, just so you know.
Don't forget, I'm Sadie.

1412
01:13:15,892 --> 01:13:17,935
Ah-ha. Go ahead, Sunny.

1413
01:13:18,019 --> 01:13:21,898
Why did the M&M walk away from me?

1414
01:13:21,981 --> 01:13:22,981
Why?

1415
01:13:23,024 --> 01:13:26,986
Because it wanted
to go pee on my dress.

1416
01:13:36,871 --> 01:13:38,581
Terrific.