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Butt off (intermission)

Apr 22nd, 2016
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  1. >After Anon and Lyra's little... schuffle, which ended with the poince being called and Lyra being dragged away in chains, you and the fellas got everything cleaned up as best as you could
  2. >The finalists were moved and the ground was cleared; you even had the crowd move back a little more so you could give the final contestants a little more room
  3. >You could see all four of them standing at the back of the crowd, patiently waiting for you to call for them
  4. >There were gentle, amused smiles on each of their faces, looks that you were sure they had been wearing since this began
  5. >Even from all the way over from where you were standing you could feel their... aura, their presence
  6. >It kind and gentle but nonetheless commanding and powerful
  7. >The mares that were standing there waiting for you to call for them were the leaders of Equestria
  8. >They were the sovereign rulers of everypony here, they had fought on and for the very ground that you stood on, two of them having done so thousands of years longer than you had been alive
  9. >You were about to judge alicorns, demi-gods with powers that you couldn't and didn't want to comprehend
  10. >You, of course, were BUCKING TERRIFIED
  11. >A quick look at the other boys showed that, as they tried to busy themselves, they weren't taking this any better than you were
  12. >Now you KNOW that none of the princesses would hurt anyone of their subjects, especially a stallion, without good reason
  13. >BUT WHAT IF THEY DID THOUGH?!
  14. >THESE FILLIES HAD THE POWER TO MOVE BUCKING PLANETS!
  15. >WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF THEY SNAPPED IF YOU GAVE THEM A LOW SCORE?!
  16. >HOW IN EQUESTRIA WERE YOU EVEN GOING TO JUDGE THEM?!
  17. >It took quite a bit of mental gymnastics to keep yourself from falling to the ground and curling into a ball but you managed to do it
  18. >This was the final bend of the race, Caramel
  19.  
  20. >After this was over you could get those pants and socks that Anon OWES YOU, you could go home and you could take the longest and bubbliest bubble bath that you have ever taken in your life
  21. >You could do this
  22. >You. Could. Do. THIS!
  23. >...
  24. >OhsweetbabyLunayouhopedthatyoucoulddothis!
  25. >You looked up at Anon, your leader, your captain, the bucker who had dragged you into this, to see how he was doing
  26. >He had to be freaking out too right?
  27. >You knew that Anon was a weirdo but even he had to understand the implications of what you all were about to do
  28. >Looking up at him you think that he did understand... but not in the way that a sane pony would
  29. >No, he was looking at the princesses with the kind of excitement that you might see on the face of a fat filly in a candy store
  30. >You were about to judge alicorns: creatures who were a perfect mixture of all three of the races and who's beauty and elegance was the stuff of legend
  31. >That meant that Anonymous--and it WAS going to be Anon because YOU didn't have a death wish-- was going to be groping and touching these mares in a situation where he wouldn't be attacked by the guard and thrown in jail or worse
  32. >And, from his big, big smile and his shining eyes, you could tell that he was happy about that
  33. >...
  34. >Looking down at his pants you could see that he was, in fact, VERY happy about that
  35. >...
  36. >...Bucking loony...
  37. >Finally noticing that you were staring at him, Anon looked down at you and winked
  38. >"Are you ready to do this my little amigo?" he asked
  39. "No actually, I'm not ready for this at all."
  40. >"That's the spirit!" Anon chirped, patting you on the back just a little too hard
  41. >...
  42. >He was gonna die
  43. >He was gonna die and you weren't gonna do anything to stop it
  44. >Clearing his throat, he cupped his hands around his mouth
  45. >"Could we please get our next contestants front and center please?" he called
  46. >As one the entire crowd looked back at the princesses
  47.  
  48. >Without saying a word a path was made for them and, with smiles still on their faces, they began to make their way toward you
  49. >Ponies bowed as they walked past, the sun seemed to shine a little brighter, even the ground seemed to tremble with each graceful, elegant step that they took
  50. >You and the fellas, not forgetting your manners, bowed as the alicorns drew near
  51. >Even Anon graced them with a bow, though one with such flourish that it bordered on silly
  52. >You couldn't help but roll your eyes at the sight, keeping your nose pointed low to the ground
  53. >As the grew closer you could hear their horseshoes hitting the ground and that aura that you had felt seemed nearly suffocating
  54. >Finally, as you looked up just a little bit, you could see a pair of golden horseshoes
  55. >"Arise, my little ponies," a voice as sweet and rich as honey said. "Please, there's no need for that here."
  56. >Slowly you picked your head up to stare at Princess Celestia, who was giving you a smile so kind and so motherly that your own mother, who was lounging on her couch waiting for your father to finish dinner, couldn't help but feel self-conscience for reasons that she couldn't discern
  57. >To Princess Celestia's right was Princess Luna and to her left was Princess Mi Amore Cadenza with Twilight bringing up the rear
  58. >Four out of six members of the royal family were right in front of you
  59. >...
  60. >And in a minute or two they were going to turn around and show you their butts
  61. >...
  62. >Ohmyhoshohmygoshohmygoshohmy--
  63. >"Your majesties, it's wonderful that you decided to take the time out of your busy schedules to come here," Anon said with another bow. "Once again I'd like to thank you for doing so."
  64. >Princess Cadence let out a giggle
  65. >"Oh it was no trouble at all, Anon," she said with a wave of her hoof. "I'm sure that I don't just speak for myself when I say that we all wanted to get out of our castles for a little while."
  66.  
  67. >...
  68. >That's a sentence you don't think you've ever heard...
  69. >"Aye," Princess Luna said with a nod. "As We said before 'tis a joy to mingle with our subjects when we can."
  70. >"What my sister says is true," Princess Celestia said with a nod. "We are happy--"
  71. >For a brief, brief second a chill unlike you've ever felt hit you, making your shutter and your fur stand on end
  72. >The sun seemed to flicker, and out of the corner of your eye you swore that you could see... something standing there
  73. >"And what farce is this?" a voice, which seemed to be coming from nowhere and everywhere asked. "A judging of the best hindquarters and WE were not invited? For shame."
  74. >Celestia's head snapped up, and before you could even process what was happening one of her massive white wings had pushed you to the side and she was making her way past you
  75. >The other princesses looked behind you as well, their smiles disappearing and their horns sparking to life
  76. >The sun flickered again as a giggle filled the air
  77. >"Aw... Are you not happy to see me? I'd have thought that at least you would enjoy seeing an old friend once more, Luna."
  78. >...
  79. >Nope, you weren't going to do it
  80. >You weren't going to look over your shoulder to see who was talking
  81. >Nope, nada, nein
  82. >Not today
  83. >...
  84. >...
  85. >...
  86. >Slowly, you looked over your shoulder
  87. >...
  88. >Oh sweet Faust help you
  89. >Nightmare Moon grinned as she looked at your little group, her reptile-like eyes piercing
  90. >"What a lovely group of stallions that I have before me~" she purred, licking her lips. "You all shall make a--"
  91. >"You shall not TOUCH them demon," Princess Celestia spat, stepping in front of you and the fellas
  92. >Nightmare Moon's grin widened
  93. >"Demon? That's not a very nice name to call your little sister's BEST FRIEND~"
  94. >"How did you manage to survive, monster?" Luna snarled, looking like she was ready to charge. "The elements should have destroyed you!"
  95.  
  96. >Nightmare Moon chuckled as you and the boys, along with most of the crowd, slowly began to back away
  97. >"My sweet, sweet Luna; even now your naivety astounds me."
  98. >The princesses stood shoulder to shoulder as the midnight black alicorn took a few steps forward, seemingly at ease even with four horns being pointed at her
  99. >"Did you truly think that I would not take measures to ensure my continued existence?"
  100. >Princess Celestia's lips drew back into a snarl
  101. >"It does not matter how you managed to survive, demon. You WILL fall today!"
  102. >Nightmare Moon raised an eyebrow
  103. >"Oh? You think so?" she said, inspecting a hoof
  104. >"We beat you once, Nightmare! We can do it again!" Twilight said
  105. >Nightmare Moon looked at the youngest, purplest princess, a tinkle in her eye
  106. >"Ah, but unlike last time I decided to bring a friend with me."
  107. >The area to your left erupted into green flame
  108. >You yelped in fright, quickly scrambling away your backside hit something
  109. >"Awhohoho~, and unlike OUR little scuffle I guarantee that the four of you will not be walking away from this."
  110. >Queen Chrysalis, Leader of the Changeling Horde, stepped out of that unholy fire wearing the same smirk that Nightmare Moon had on her face
  111. >Though the princesses looked surprised Princess Cadence and Twilight wheeled around to face her, their horns crackling with magic
  112. >Both of the villains began to make their way toward your little group
  113. >Nightmare Moon's horn glowed, and the whispering that had been going on in your ear only got louder
  114. >Chrysalis' horn then glowed, and you watched as the sun, which had been glowing so brightly, flickered like a candle
  115. >...
  116. >Alright...
  117. >This had been real, REAL fun but you think that it was time that you left
  118. >The other fellas, their eyes wide and their ears pinned against their heads, slowly made their way toward you, each of them looking like they were scared out of their minds
  119. >To be honest you were probably just as scared and confused as the rest of them
  120.  
  121. >WHY WAS THIS HAPPENING?!
  122. >WHY TODAY?!
  123. >WHY WAS IT EVERY TIME ANON TALKED YOU INTO SOMETHING SOMETHING LIKE THIS BUCKING HAPPENED?!
  124. >WHY DID YOU STILL LET ANON TALK YOU INTO THINGS?
  125. >YOU SHOULD BUCKING KNOW BETTER COLT!
  126. >You looked up at the thing that you had dumped into
  127. >It was Anon, who was looking at the terrifying scene in front of him with a furrowed brow
  128. >In fact, if you didn't know any better, you would have thought that he was lost deep in thought as he looked around
  129. >...
  130. >Oh no
  131. >Nononononono!
  132. >Anon might have been stupid but even HE wasn't that dumb!
  133. >He would--
  134. >You flinched as the human loudly cleared his throat
  135. >"Excuse me."
  136. >Your eyes widened as six pairs of eyes flickered toward him
  137. >YOU BUCKING IDIOT ANON!
  138. >DON'T GET THE ATTENTION OF THE SUPER VILLAINS!!!
  139. >Anon bent down and somehow managed to grab you and the fellas
  140. >"Before... whatever is going to happen happens I'd like to talk to you ladies about something. But before I do that I need to use the little stallions room. Excuse me."
  141. >Not a single demi-god said as word as Anon, not taking his eyes off of any of the mares, took a step backward, and another, and another
  142. >Sparing a glance backward you noticed that he was making his way toward his house, which wasn't fifty feet from where all of this was going down
  143. >ATTA BOY ANON!
  144. >You all could hole up in his house while the princesses fought it out!
  145. >As Anon made it to his front door, still not taking his eyes off of the princesses and the two evil queens, all of which hadn't taken their eyes off of him, and began to blindly grab for it
  146. >Time Turner's horn glowed, and with a click the door was opened
  147. >"Alright," Anon said just a little too loudly. "Don't go anywhere, ladies, we'll be out in a few minutes after we finish powdering our noses and whatever else small horse men do in the bathroom."
  148. >He then stepped into his house, reaching over for the door with his foot
  149.  
  150. >"...Please don't blow up anything; especially my house. I still got a SHIT load of payments on this thing. We'll be right back out. Promise."
  151. >You and the fellas let out a sigh of relief as he closed the door
  152. >You expected Anon to let you down and then direct you to his basement to where you all could cower but he didn't
  153. >Instead he carried you all up a flight of stairs and into his bathroom, only setting you down as he closed the door behind him
  154. >You all looked up at him as he looked around his oddly clean bathroom (oddly clean for him anyways)
  155. >"...Huh," he said, scratching his chin. "That was something huh?"
  156. >You opened your mouth to start screaming
  157. >Two of Equestria's most dangerous enemies were right outside of his bucking door!
  158. >That deserved more than "that was something huh?"
  159. >But you didn't yell
  160. >You didn't get mad
  161. >Nope; not this time
  162. >Anon might not see the gravity of the situation but he had gotten you out of there before things got bad
  163. >And since you got out of there you could--
  164. >A particular sound fills the air
  165. >You and the fellas, some of which were shaking in their horseshoes, slowly turned your heads
  166. >Anon was standing over his toilet, his pants and underwear down below bit ankles and a ba--
  167. "What the buck are you doing?!"
  168. >Though he was peeing, Anon managed to look over his shoulder at you
  169. >"What? Didn'tyou hear me outside when I said that I had to use the bathroom?"
  170. >Your eye twitched
  171. "I can SEE that. But WHY ON CELESTIA'S GREEN EARTH are you holding a baseball bat?"
  172. >Your eye twitched again when you looked at the human's bare green flank
  173. "In fact, why do you even HAVE a BASEBALL BAT in your bathroom?"
  174. >Anon look at the baseball bat in his hand before looking back at you and shrugging
  175. >"I have the bat for protection," he said as he turned back around so that he could focus on the task at hoof
  176. "Protection?"
  177.  
  178. >"Yep, ever hear of sewer gofers? I got ol' Betsy here in case one of those little bastards ever pop out of my john and try to bite my willy off."
  179. >...
  180. >You were going to kill this stallion
  181. >If the two super villains standing outside didn't kill you all you were going to make it a POINT to kill this crazy stallion in front of you
  182. "Anon..."
  183. >"Hey, my uncle incognito got his Johnson ripped off by an angry sewer gofer once upon a time. Fucked him up real bad. So EXCUSE me if I want to take precautions!"
  184. >"But what if you're pooping," Time Turner innocently asked
  185. >You groaned
  186. >NO!
  187. >Don't encourage him!
  188. >"Don't be silly; a sewer gofer would never try to get you when you're pooping! They'd get shit on, and nobody wants to get shit on. I heard from my other cou--"
  189. "Anon, nopony cares about your pooping habits or sewer gofers or any of that!" you snapped before turning toward the fellas. "What we NEED to focus on is what to do now."
  190. >Leaning over, Anon set his bat down, shook himself off, pulled up his pants and zipped them back up
  191. >"What do you mean, Caramel?" he asked, walking past all of you to get to his sink. "We're gonna go back out there and do our jobs."
  192. >If your eyes got any bigger you were sure they would have popped out of your BUCKING HEAD
  193. >The other fellas weren't far off, all of you looking at Anon as he began to wash his hands
  194. >"...Anon," Mr. Cake said after clearing his throat. "I know that you've been having fun with this whole contest today. Everypony here has had fun and we appreciate that you decided to bring us along for the ride."
  195. >...
  196. >You know what? Fine
  197. >You could agree with that statement...
  198. >"That being said I think that the fun and games are over. Two VERY bad ponies are outside and we--"
  199. >"Who were the ones to beat those two out there?" Anon interrupted as he reached over and grabbed the nearest towel
  200. >You all looked at each other
  201. >"Well... the Twilight and her friends did didn't they?" Thunderlane said
  202.  
  203. >Drying his hands, Anon tossed his towel away and turned to all of you
  204. >"That's right, they did, but right now, as they are, the girls can't really fight those two evil queens out there can they?"
  205. >...You guess not
  206. >You really didn't know all that much about how Twilight and the other elements beat Nightmare Moon and queen Chrysalis but you read something in it in the pap--
  207. >...
  208. "You want to stall for time so that the other girls can get the elements," you said.
  209. >Anon nodded
  210. >"Yep. If we manage to give the girls a bit of time to get ready maybe we can keep the town from getting wrecked from all of the god horses fighting."
  211. >"B-But we could get hurt out there!" Spark Plug said, his eyes huge
  212. >Anon shrugged
  213. >"We could get hurt in here if they start fighting. At least if we're out there we have a chance of the princesses making sure we don't get hurt
  214. >...
  215. >"But we're just a couple of stallions!"
  216. >"I have KIDS, Anon."
  217. >"I don't want to bucking die!"
  218. >"Hey, hey, hey, easy there," Anon said crouching down so that he was eye level to you all. "I know that you guys don't want to get hurt and you're scared. That's fine; I'm scared and I most certainly don't want to get hurt."
  219. >Reaching over, Anon lightly tapped your wither with a fist
  220. >"But just think about it: Villains are some prideful SOB's right? If we can just talk them into getting their flanks examined then maybe we can give the girls a chance."
  221. >He looked at each and every one of you
  222. >"I know that they're fucking evil and they tried to destroy the world and all of that, but I kinda doubt they're just up and kill a couple of stallions for no good reason."
  223. >He didn't know that!
  224. >What if those mares ENJOYED killing stallions?!
  225. >Anon smiled at you with that silly but genuine smile of his
  226. >"Come on, haven't you guys ever wanted to be the guy that saved the day and showed the girls up?
  227.  
  228. >You looked at the fellas, who in turn looked back at you
  229. >You then took a long, good look at yourself and started to think
  230. >Hopes, fears, desires, wants, happiness, your character, your likes, your dislikes; you examined anything and everything that made you you
  231. >You didn't want to die today
  232. >You were BUCKING SCARED out of your mind about what could happen
  233. >...
  234. >But you didn't want anypony ELSE to get hurt
  235. >And, even though you'd like to have a few more shops here, you liked this little town that you called your home
  236. >You might have just been a simple farmhand whose boss was a flank-staring pig but now, maybe, there was a chance that you could do something...
  237. >Something that mattered...
  238. >Though your heart was racing, your legs were shaking and you felt physically sick you looked up at Anon, smiling weakly
  239. "...Alright, I'll go with you."
  240. >"What?!" Thunderlane said, looking at you in shock. "What the buck are you talking about, Caramel?! Do you bucking realize what you're agreeing to?!"
  241. >Mr. Cake looked down for a moment before he looked up, his chest puffed up
  242. >"Me and my honey bunny are getting sick of rebuilding our shop. I'll go out with you too, Anon."
  243. >Thunderlane's head snapped toward the father of two
  244. >"Mr. Cake you have KIDS! What would happen to them if something happen to you?!"
  245. >Time Turner's nose scrunched up and he took a step forward
  246. >"Anon's right, if we don't do something we could ALL end up getting hurt."
  247. >"Y-yeah," Spark Plug mumbled, still looking terrified, though there was a gleam of determination in his eye. "We'll h-help you, Anon."
  248. >Thunderlane looked left, then right, before he let out a groan
  249. >"Oh Celestia buck me straight in my flank," he said with a shake of his head
  250. >He was silent for a little while after that before he groaned once more
  251. >"Fine. FINE. I'll bucking go too. If you buckers die I won't have anypony to go clubbing with on the weekends..."
  252. >Anon's grin widened as he stood up
  253.  
  254. >"Don't you guys worry, I'll make sure that you all get out of this in one piece."
  255. >He then turned around, walking over and opening his door and stepping out into his hallway
  256. >You and the boys looked at each other one last time before you started to make your way toward the unknown
  257. >Yeah...
  258. >Anon was right!
  259. >You could--
  260. CLICK!
  261.  
  262. >You are Anon
  263. >And at that moment you were staring at your bathroom door that you had just locked
  264. >"Anon?" Caramel said, tapping on the door, his little hoofsies pawing at the doorknob. "Why did you just lock the door?"
  265. >You looked down at yourself
  266. >Your suit was presentable but you were gonna have to eye yourself in a mirror for some little touch ups
  267. "I want you guys to remember everything I taught you today. I can't guarantee that it will help you later in life but you never know."
  268. >The tapping on the other side of the door stopped
  269. >"...Anon, open this door right now," your little horse friend demanded, the his voice jumping a few octaves
  270. "You guys should be safe in there until it's over,"you said, straightening your tie
  271. >Just like you thought he would Caramel started pounding on your door with all of the strength in his little horse body
  272. >But he was a little pone and you were a man that appreciated a strong, thick door with good hinges, so the door held
  273. >"Anon? ANON! You open this bucking door right now! ANON?!"
  274. >You smiled, placing a hand on the door
  275. "There's a bunch of dirty magazines under the counter if you get bored and there's a box of crackers under the pile of red towels if you get hungry."
  276. >By now three sets of hooves were wailing on the door, your friends desperate to get out
  277. >"You're not going out there alone, Anon! DO YOU BUCKING HEAR ME?!"
  278. "Bye bye, Caramel."
  279. >"WHAT WAS ALL OF THAT HORSE APPLES OF GETTING UP PUMPED UP IF YOU WERE JUST GOING TO LOCK US UP IN HERE?!"
  280. "That pep talk was more for me than you."
  281. >As you turned away, you could hear Caramel scream in frustration
  282.  
  283. >"WHO THE BUCK EVEN HAS A LOCK ON THE OUTSIDE OF THEIR BUCKING BATHROOM?!"
  284. >Silly Caramel
  285. >That lock is so the sewer gofers don't run amok in your house
  286. >...
  287. >You'll get one of those little bastards eventually...
  288. >"ANON! WE CAN HELP YOU! WE CAN DO THIS TOGETHER! WE NEED TO DO THIS TOGETHER! YOU CAN'T JUST GO OUT THERE BY YOURSELF YOU STUPID BUCKER!"
  289. >No can do little buddy
  290. >While you would have probably appreciated someone coming along to help you you weren't gonna risk your buddies like that
  291. >They had families and lives and shit
  292. >You were just some green alien that liked to touch pony butts
  293. >Though you really doubted that the queens out there were going to hurt ANYONE if someone DID get hurt, or... worse, not much harm would be done if you got wrecked
  294. >Hopefully one of them would notice that your bathroom had a window so they could get out eventually
  295. >Heh, silly ponies...
  296. >>"ANON! ANON! YOU ANSWER ME DAMMIT!"
  297. >See ya in space, Cowboy
  298. >You quietly made your way downstairs as the sounds of your friends trying to break down your bathroom door echoed throughout your house
  299. >You stopped at the mirror that was sitting on the wall near your front door
  300. >Your suit looked fine, your pants weren't wrinkled, and looking down and pulling your pants down slightly you noticed your limited edition Space Jam underwear still looked clean
  301. >You took a step toward your mirror, staring at the HANDSOME son of a bitch staring back at you as you straightened your tie
  302. >This was it
  303. >You had been training your whole life for this moment...
  304. >Time to go out and touch some of the biggest, fullest, perkiest asses in the whole wide world
  305. >Your mirror imagine grinned at you as you turned around and threw open your door
  306. >There wasn't a sound to be heard outside
  307. >All was still; there wasn't even a gust of wind
  308. >With your head held high you stepped off your porch and made your way over toward the princesses and villains, all of which were staring at you
  309.  
  310. >Huh... you honestly didn't expect them to wait for you...
  311. >Say what you will about the baddies in horseland but at the very least they had some good manners
  312. >"Aw, there he is, the strange green one with an affinity for flanks," Nightmare Moon said, looking past you. "And just where did your other little friends go?"
  313. >Your eyes darted around, and you noticed that the crowd had vanished
  314. >Good
  315. >That meant that no one would get caught in the crossfire if this went bad
  316. >Which it hopefully wasn't
  317. >It wouldn't
  318. >...You'd be fine
  319. >You kept walking until you were in between the princesses and the queens, your hands gripping both sides of your collar
  320. "Oh they decided that they needed to use the little colt's room, don't worry about them. Now, since I got all of you LOVELY ladies here I'd like to talk to you all about something."
  321. >Today might have been the day that you were gonna die but that was alright
  322. >You were gonna make grandma Anonymous proud and touch god butts
  323. >And it was going to be fucking AWESOME
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