Dissociative Identity Disorder

My behavior:
I don't know how many people observe someone, but I do, I tend to notice some things about people that they might not know.

Having multiple personalities may seem silly to think about, but I find that for me its all to real at this point and is incredibly powerful.

For quite a long time since I was a very young kid, I've had this issue. And you might call it a bad mood swing but for some reason I feel like it might be much more than that and it could honestly explain a lot about how I feel and why.

When I was a kid, both my parents worked a lot and me and my little brother were left with a babysitter. She was incredibly mean to both of us, she had no regard for our health or safety and at the time I had no idea how to handle this cause my parents never believed me. She would hit us, feed us raw food or even make me massage her. It was incredibly traumatizing for me and I had no idea what was wrong with her abusing a 6 year old. My brother fortunately had the better end, but for me I never got anything almost 8 hours with someone who made me sit outside in the muddy backyard with no shoes, and eat cold and sometimes still frozen chicken nuggets, and slap my head if I did something wrong or if she didn't like it. It wasn't hard or anything to leave bruises, but nonetheless.

She died a long time ago so contacting her is out of the question.

This sparked something in me and I remember the first day it happened to. I had a terrible personality where I would be mean and just hurtful to people and disregard their feelings. And the first instance of this happening is when my grandmother told me how school went and I said " Good, stupid." I have never said that word to anyone and my parents were very upset and it was not a good night lets just put it at that.

And this voice is still in my head, telling me to do and say stupid things, and " be bad" and I can tell what it is by the pitch of tone I hear in the back of my mind. It disregards peoples feelings and I know its selfish and I hardly seem to remember what I hear when it does happen and I remember my mom yelling at me for something I said and I had no idea what she was talking about. It definitely applies more in person that it does online since I have the opportunity to delete anything I can.

Then I have another voice. This voice Id like to believe is mine, cause when I do see and hear it. It's soft, caring, sweet,and I like it and I do know it likes taking care of people a lot and being very considerate. My family always tell me that they want the old me back, and I think I know what they mean now and its quite sad.

I often push away both of these since both annoy me and I feel at times emotionless, one minute I could be sad, crying and dissapointed in myself, next im feeling frustrated and I can't cope with reality of anything. Then Im happy with myself and the cycle repeats for days and days and days or shorter than that. I am sick of it. I have no idea what to do. I can't be the real me, cause I don't know what the real me is anymore. Whether it be more than 1 person in me or just very radical mood swings, I want to try to make it better, assimilate these feelings into one. And I'm sorry for having those terrible mood swings and they show in a lot, when I talk, when I tweet, and a few heard me cry. Id like to think this was an act or a dream but its not and I just want the voices to go far from me and that's why I at times talk to myself and even I find it wierd cause I do it way to much.

Thanks for hearing me out. I do hope to see a doctor about this one day maybe in a few months but no promises since I believe I can overcome this with my willpower.

This is one of the most embarrassing things I have about me and I dislike talking about it, just wanted to let you know if you want to know if I am ever ok or feeling alright. Thank you for your concerns and considerations.

-Ham