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- >You are Anonymous.
- >Your obsession to get to Equestria has consumed most of your time lately.
- >It has got to the point that you are looking for rituals on the web.
- >Right now you are about to do the most ridiculous one yet.
- >To summon the power of Shrek.
- >You try to get the stupid, but safe methods out first...
- >Well. Not on this case.
- >Melting all the onions you could find. You put all the liquid in a syringe.
- >When the red moon raised. You were ready.
- >You broke into the propriety of your local church.
- >Inside you start the preparations.
- >A pentagram drawn in the floor.
- >Chanting the Latin words you found on the net.
- >After doing so. You inject the love to your veins.
- >It was weird as hell.
- >Then; you wait. And wait...
- "Dayum dis stupid ass fuckers. Full of bullsh-"
- >You feel a throb.
- >Your left arm hurts. Your respiration is cut.
- >Pressure in your chest.
- >You fall into the floor.
- >Your last words.
- "Ah should've done dis on a swamp..."
- >Looking on the bright side. You had a peculiar death.
- >After the darkness. You rise from the ashes.
- >What the fuck were ashes doing above your body anyway?
- >Wait a minute. Hooves?
- "Fuck yeah. I wasn't bamboozled."
- >You scream to the blue sky.
- "SHREK IZ LOVE!!!
- SHREK IZ LIFE!!!"
- >After repeatedly blessing your savior. You pay attention to your body.
- >Wings? Nigga; you were a pegasus. Sweet.
- >Scanning your surroundings. You realize that you are on the Everfreet forest.
- "Aw shit nigga. Ah'm on dat ziggers turf... Da fuck was her hide at again?"
- >You try to fly. But it only resulted in a land crash.
- "Fuck. Dis wings ain't got no swag."
- >You spoke wincing in pain.
- >Flying wasn't an option.
- >You trot aimlessly around the forest.
- >Then you were found tiber wolves.
- >They corner you. Ready to attack.
- "Oh hell naw. I ain't gonna get bite by yaur rabies. Go away!"
- >You scream to the wolves. Hoping that they will pull out.
- >What you didn't expect; was that the puppies would start rubbing against you.
- "Ah hell naw. Getcha asses out of here! Don't be bossin on me."
- >But they ignored your command.
- >One of the dogs licks your face.
- "Fuckin dawgs..."
- >The monsters were happy to be next to you.
- "Imma get five-o pet control on yaur'll if yo dunnot fly bye."
- >The doggies didn't care.
- >Reluctantly. You accept their affection.
- "Ah guess yaur mah fresh-ly hommies now."
- >The canines can't bother to blink an eye on you.
- >Whatever.
- >With your new friends on your tail. You venture into the forest.
- "Playaz... We need to dig deeper."
- >And deeper you went.
- >Unfortunately you didn't find anything.
- "This is some shit here brah.
- Where Am I, biatch?
- Any nigs gonna help a sistah?"
- >Your ramblings were lost in the maze of the woods.
- >The only company you had were three wolves.
- "Ya'll ain't gonna get rid of me. Not dat doggystyle. Got'cha?!?"
- >Your companions couldn't decipher your hood talk.
- >Beta faggosts.
- >Hours pass quickly.
- >Afternoon. And you're still in this hellhole of a place.
- "Dis ain't what I thought Ah'll be bustin once Ah gots here... Shit sucks."
- >Defeated. You try to use your wings one more time.
- >You fell flat on the ground.
- "Goddamit."
- >You keep trying and trying. Cursing on every failure.
- >Eventually. Your fellow friends depart to somewhere unknown.
- "Hey!! Hey! Where yo think yaur goin?!? Ah'm spittin at yo. Fuckin come back!!"
- >Your fellowship didn't respond.
- >You follow them to what you hope isn't an adventure.
- "Yo idiotic muthafuckas!! Yaur asses are mine biatches!! Come back ta me!"
- >Tracking them down. You come across a raggity ass tree.
- "Bout time."
- >Seems like you finally located Zecora.
- >You knock on the door.
- >No response.
- >You knock again.
- >Nothing.
- >Angrily you knock once more.
- "Knock-knock ring'ding a-ling dick dong-dum diddy-dum, quit ingnorin me biaaatch!"
- >You left the door to the verge of collapse.
- >You snort.
- "Whatevs. Ah didnt wanna talk ta ya anyway..."
- >You give the zigger some time to respond.
- >Fuck her.
- >As you leave her busted hide behind.
- >She appears from behind some bushes.
- >"My. What I stare at is strange. I was expecting a large stallion mage."
- "Where was yo?!?"
- >You asked with an accusatory tone.
- >The zebra was a bit astonished.
- >"Gathering the fruits of the forest. From poison jokes to wall crests."
- >You noticed the saddles she carries as she says so.
- "Ah ain't takin yaur shit."
- >You storm out of her vision.
- >"Wait. Have some faith on me."
- "Oh yeah. What if Ah don't!"
- >You turn to her furious. With some violence on your voice.
- >"You came for an answer to me. To master that new body of yours. Comply and I shall provide."
- >Thinking it again. You're lost in a dangerous forest.
- >Might as well accept her offer.
- "Kay. But only cuz Ah'm lost up in dis ghetto."
- >"Follow me."
- >You go behind her trail. Right back to her home tree.
- >She tries to open the door. But it collapsed as she touched it.
- >Zecora glares at you.
- "Oh yeah. Blame the niggerest."
- >No racism is a lie.
- >Zecora rolled her eyes and proceeded to enter her house.
- >Inside. There are many voodoo items and miscellaneous relics.
- >You whistle.
- "Dayum. Ya sure shizzle know ta pimp yaur turf."
- >The zebra was baffled at your comment.
- >"I'll take it as compliments. Now let me align my equipment. Then we shall speak."
- "Don't sweat it sis."
- >Zecora started to unpack.
- >Meanwhile, you were busy admiring the junk in her house.
- >It was then when you saw it.
- >A mirror. And god almighty could not protect you of what was on it.
- >Amber eyes. Nocturnal pupils.
- >Thin jet grey covers your body.
- >Your mane was a weird 80's style mix with metal hair from those years.
- >Oh by god. Are those Chiropteran...
- >Indeed. You is a bat pone. And not the cute kind.
- "SHIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!"
- >Your scream echoed inside the house.
- >The hermit asked. Shocked at your fear.
- >"What has disturbed you?"
- "What disturbs me, son? Ah'll be tellin ya! Ah look shittier than shaniquia, yo. How come yaur ass ain't dazzled!"
- >Again. The poor recluse couldn't comprehend your word.
- >She puts her hoof to her chin. Pondering on your sentence.
- >"What you are saying is how come I'm unsurprised by your appearance."
- "Yah. It ain't hard ta catch. Right?"
- >At loss of words. Zecora decides to change the subject.
- >"On such case. I was told by an old sage. That a dark creature would visit on the orange sky."
- >What does this even mean?
- "Yo don't rap fancy. Ain't need for dat."
- >Once again. You have puzzled her.
- >She tries it again.
- >"On insipid words. Your visit was warned to me."
- >Interesting.
- "An' who be snitchin?"
- >"The gentleman behind."
- >She points her hoof to the outside.
- >As you turn to meet the snitch. A giant green hand picks you.
- >"Aaah. In tha name of fuck!!"
- >It pulls you out of Zecora's.
- >"My lady."
- >He said sardonically.
- >Then you see it. It was a colossal Shrek.
- >By Jehovah. It was no one else but the true god itself.
- "Gawdayum nigger; don't spook me like so. Also. Heya brotha."
- >Shrek proceeds to talk.
- >"You are in my swamp."
- >He squishes you. Enough to cause you pain.
- "Aaargh!! What the fuck!"
- >"Get out of my swamp!"
- >Shrek was unhappy.
- "The fuck are ya talkin bout bro-"
- >He squishes again.
- "Fuckin nigg-"
- >And once more.
- "Ya fuckin-Argh!
- stupid biatch-FUCK!!
- ya'll be. All balls and-Aahh!
- no shaft. What happened-Aaah!
- What happened ta yaur shaft Shrek!!"
- >The ogre was expressionless. Then he said.
- >"Hold on. One more time. She can still make it."
- "Oh naw ya ain't-"
- >Shrek squished you one last time.
- >This time. The pain was so strong that you passed out.
- >...
- >A beeping sound awakes you.
- >You find yourself in a hospital room. Surrounded by medical equipment.
- >A doctor closes to you.
- "Hey yo... Wazzup with dis things..."
- >"Ma'am. You suffered a heart attack."
- "And how..."
- >"The syringe you used had an air bubble on it. You were clumsy."
- >Fuck this gay world.
- >"Also ma'am. May I ask. What kind of satanic ritual involves melting onions."
- >Curse you internet.
- "I was bamboozled... with red onions..."
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