Piggate Fanfiction

-Piggate Fanfiction 23.09.2015-

David Cameron looked on the table, and sitting there, was a silver platter, covering something inside. This was the initiation for his membership of the prestigious Piers Gaveston club. He was already a member of Bullingdon, and so this was another one to add to his 'collection' of club memberships.
"Ok," Lord Ashcroft moved his hand to the platter, removing the lid and revealing a large pig's head inside, "Your initiation, Mr. Cameron... should you choose to accept it."
"Uh, what exactly am I supposed to do with this?" Cameron asked. He assumed that they were going to make him eat some disgusting part of the damn thing. But what they had in store for him was far, far worse.
"Oh, that," Lord Ashcroft grinned, "You have to put your penis inside this pig's head for at least five minutes. After that, you will become a full member of the Piers Gaveston club!"
David Cameron blinked in astonishment. He could hardly believe what he had just heard from Ashcroft.
"What?" he said, "What??"
"Yup," Ashcroft smiled, "That is all you have to do. If it sounds easy Davey, that's because it is."
"N-no! You can't be serious! I absolutely will not do that! No way!"
"You'll never be a member of Piers Gaveston if you don't do it, Dave," Lord Ashcroft sneered, as David Cameron looked at the pig's head that was sitting on the table, peering up at him.
He weighed up his options. This was a prestigious club after all, membership of Piers Gaveston was highly valued here at Oxford. And if he didn't go through with it then he would be the laughing stock of Bullingdon, as well as Oxford. And it wasn't like anyone was ever going to find out what EXACTLY his initiation ceremony was, right?
"Go on," Ashcroft said, "You gotta do it, for us! Do it David!"
"Fine, I'll do it," Cameron sighed.
Cameron dropped his pants, and the guys at Piers Gaveston clapped. He was sure that he heard a snap of a camera behind him, but he ignored it. That was just the way these clubs worked. Everyone had dirt on each other, so that no one would rat out anyone else. Everyone's dirty little secrets would be safe within these walls. At least, that was how it was supposed to work.
----
It was decades later, and the pig's head incident was just an old memory to Cameron, now the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. He had almost forgotten all about it, until he received a phone call from George Osbourne.
"Hello George, what is it?"
"I'm sorry Cameron, there appears to have been an allegation made about your.... university days."
"Yeah, sure, what is it?" Cameron wasn't too bothered, it was probably just some allegation that he smoked a little weed one time or went to a wild party once or somesuch.
"Um, I'm not sure how to put this delicately sir, so I shall be blunt. A book is coming out claiming that during your university days that you... um... uh... that you... put your penis inside a pig's head. There are even claims of photographs, but don't worry, nothing has leaked. Yet."
No. No no no. It all flashed back in his mind. That fateful night at Oxford University.
"What?! God damn it!" Cameron yelled, slamming his fist on the desk, "But who? Who squealed?"
Squealed. SQUEALED. George just had to laugh.
"Stop laughing!"
"Hahahahaha, I'm sorry, it was Lord Ashcroft who told the Daily Mail, as well as a mysterious unnamed MP, apparently."
"ASHCROFT!" Cameron's eyes widened in anger. This must have been revenge for the falling out they had had years ago. The falling out was bad, but Cameron never thought it would come to this.
Cameron sighed and shuffled his papers on the desk, with Osbourne still on the phone telling him about the lurid newspaper headlines all featuring his act with the pig. His past had finally come back to haunt him.
---
It was advised that the Prime Minster not go on Twitter or Facebook for a few days, to let the dust settle. But he just couldn't help himself. The event had now been dubbed 'piggate', or alternatively, 'the bae of pigs'. In fact, a whole slew of pig themed puns had come out since the story had first broke on the Daily Mail's website. Even Cameron had to admit that 'The Prosciutto Affair' was a clever title, whereas 'swine/11' was a little in bad taste.
On Twitter, a sea of pig emojis and laughing faces greeted him. Photoshopped images of Peppa Pig and Piglet running from David Cameron. The British public were having an absolute bloody field day with this.
'bloody hell, so THAT'S what pulled pork means! #piggate #hameron'
'blimey, what a porker! this must be the piggest mistake of his career #piggate #baeofpigs'
'he's never made a rasher decision!'
Cameron sighed, the story had only been out for around an hour or so now, probably less. A duo called 'Cassetteboy' had already made a song about it, which was all over social media. He had gone from Prime Minister to a national joke in less than sixty minutes. George Osbourne walked into the room and saw what the PM was looking at.
"Oh, don't worry Dave," George said and patted his friend on the back, "I'm sure it'll all blow over soon."
"Yeah, I hope so," Cameron replied.
"I wouldn't be so sure about that, Mr. Cameron!" came a laughing voice from behind him. The two Conservative MPs spun around on their chairs to be faced by none other than a laughing Jeremy Corbyn.
"J-Jeremy?" George said, "What on earth are you doing here?"
"Yeah, what the fuck are you doing?" Cameron yelled, "You're not supposed to be in here!! Get out!"
"Is that what the pig said?" Corbyn laughed again, "I just came here to have a good laugh, Davey boy. It is interesting though, Ian Duncan Smith fucks the sick and disabled, and there is no media storm, but one pig, eh Davey? Well, good luck at the next election, you're gonna need it Hameron, bwahahaha!"
And with that Corbyn was gone, as quickly as he had arrived.
"Ah, that's just Corbyn," George said, "Ignore him."
"It's not just him though, is it?" David asked, "That is what the whole bloody country thinks of me now!"
----
A package arrived at 10 Downing Street later that day. It was adressed 'from the leader of UKIP to the leader of the Conservative Party'. David Cameron opened it and groaned. 10 bacon rashers from Tesco, as well as a packet of pork pies.
'I hear you like pork,' the message from Nigel Farage said, 'So here is a present from me to you'. Underneath that, Farage had drawn a little smiling pig's head. Everyone in 10 Downing Street then heard a door slam loudy, and then Cameron shouting angrily.
"Nigel Farage has mailed bacon to Downing Street! Bacon!" Cameron yelled, "This is completely unacceptable!"
Cameron then heard the people in the room next to him laughing, laughing so loud he could hear it through the walls.
----
"Nigel!" Cameron yelled on the phone, "How dare you! Mailing pork products to Downing Street is completely unacceptable!"
"But putting your dick in a dead pig is ok then, is it?" Nigel laughed and put the phone down.
Cameron sighed. This wouldn't be over for a long time.
----
The next Prime Ministers Questions were awkward. As Cameron walked into the room, everyone who had been talking suddenly went silent and turned to look at him. Pig noises came from the Labour MPs as David Cameron sat down in his seat. Jeremy Corbyn had some interesting questions for the Prime Minister.
"I have a question from a little girl called Peppa," Jeremy was trying hard not to laugh, "She asks, 'should I be worried'?"
Everyone laughed, Cameron even saw that some of his fellow Conservative MPs were laughing.
"How dare you Mr. Corbyn! It is unacceptable that these allegations are brought up here!" Cameron turned to the speaker. But the speaker was too busy laughing to answer him.
"Well then," said Nigel Farage, leaning back in his chair, "Let's just cut straight to the chase then, shall we? Did you stick your dick in a dead pig or not?"
"I... I," Cameron hissed, "I don't have to explain myself to you!"
And with that, Cameron stormed out of the room.
"He didn't deny it though!" Farage grinned and everyone laughed. This edition of Prime Ministers Questions quickly became the most watched ever.
---
Thanks to the internet, news travels fast. It wasn't just England where Piggate was the number one topic of discussion. All over the world, news of David Cameron's escapades at university were travelling, much to everyone's amusement. The next meeting of world leaders was even more uncomfortable for Cameron than Prime Ministers Questions.
Obama would usually go over to greet him, but this time he just shot a look of what he was sure was disgust at Cameron as he walked past.
Merkel looked over at the British Prime Minister, and then whispered something in German to the people surrounding her. They all started laughing. He didn't need to be able to speak German to know what they were talking about. Everyone was laughing, he was the laughing stock of England and the entire world right now. He just had to hope that it would all blow over soon enough, but he knew deep down that Piggate was something that would never really go away.