"I'll Always Be There For You"

    The clock ticked away each second, filling the room with the unmistakeable sound. I desperately wished for something else to drown it out--something that would overpower that infernal ticking. Rain, a siren, arguing neighbors, a car crash, anything that would get the constant irritation of that stupid sound off my mindmind. Every little tick was another second I had to live with myself. All of my mistakes, failures, and regrets chipping away at me with every second that passed. It didn't get better. The more time that passed, the worse my headaches got, the longer I'd gone without food, and the more the skin around my eyes stung from lethargy. I rubbed the rubber grip in my hand against my temple, hoping for some temporary relief. Nothing ever helped. Everything only ever got worse.

    The cold metal of the revolver shifting through my hair reminded me there was some relief to come at least. The stress headaches refused to go away anymore. I couldn't remember a time in the last two weeks my waking hours weren't completely miserable. The constant pain radiating in my head was an ever-present reminder of just how bad things had become.

    I cringed at every set of headlights that flooded my tiny studio apartment. No matter how hard I shut my eyes, the searing light shot another stabbing pain through my head. The complete darkness around me was the only comfort I really had anymore. The lack of stimuli was certainly nice, though I really just didn't want to have to look at my growing piles of failures. The trashcan overflowing with discarded plans to recover from my defeat, the phone on my desk that hadn't gotten a single message in weeks, and the neglected piles of clothes and refuse I hadn't bothered to clean. I was supposed to be in Equestria showing Celestia just how much I was really capable of, not in that cheap apartment.

    A part of me wanted to keep trying. Sit down at my desk and start planning my revenge yet again. Some sort of hope for the future would help right now, right? There had to be some way to get back on my feet.

    For the first time in weeks I laughed. I laughed at how stupid I was being for having some semblance of hope. I crushed down the idea with the same answers I kept coming up with: No one in this town would ever trust me again, I'd completely run out of bits to trade for money, and the next chance I had was another few years away. I'd be kicked out of my apartment in a week anyway unless I could come up with the money. What job would be willing to hire the local she-demon anyway? None of the kids at school wanted anything to do with her--even the five girls Twilight said would help her. After so many days of awkward glances and complete avoidance, I knew there was nothing else I could do.

    So it was settled. With the last bit of my money I bought that cheap revolver in my hand and a few bullets. It'd be quick, at least. Nobody would miss me at this point. Honestly, I couldn't think of a single person that wouldn't be glad I was gone after everything I'd done.

    I opened the cylinder to make sure there was a round in the right chamber. Just one little squeeze and I could finally rest and forget about how horribly I screwed everything up. All the lives I've ruined, all of the feelings I'd hurt, all of the friendships I fractured, all the ponies I'd disappointed... this would have been some sort of penance at least. I snapped the cylinder back into place and pulled back the hammer. The cold metal pressed up under my chin was a sudden shock in my otherwise warm room. My heart pounded in my chest as I placed my finger on the trigger, but in my mind, I finally felt some semblance of relief; it was all about to be over.

    My mind rummaged through old memories as my finger traced across that icy metal trigger. I thought about my parents, how excited they were to see me finally pass the exam and get into Celestia's school. I thought about my old friends I'd made when I moved to Canterlot. I thought about Celestia and how wonderful she was to me before she cast me out. My stomach sank at the thought. They were all supposed to be happy memories, but any amount of joy I could've gotten from them was poisoned once I remembered how every situation ended.

    A lump formed in my throat and the hand holding up the revolver began to tremble. I ground my teeth trying to hold back the tears, but there wasn't any point. I told myself so many times that Celestia was the one that'd be crying when I showed her how wrong she was. She'd see just how powerful I was destined to be and would have no other choice but to admit I was right.

    The first sob left my lips, letting a tear trace down my cheek. None of that even mattered now. Years wasted trying to show her how great I could have been. I let another sob take over my body when I realized she probably stopped caring a long time ago. I was just an inconvenience to take care of now--an afterthought compared to her new protege. The new princess showed me just how easy I was to replace... how little I actually mattered to Celestia. As soon as I started becoming inconvenient for her, she casted me out and replaced me.

    I gripped the revolver as tightly as I could to keep it from shaking in my grip. The tears flowed freely down my cheeks now. I would've given anything to go back in time to change things then. If Twilight became a princess, how hard would it have really been for me to just do what Celestia asked and follow that same path? I grimaced hard as the regret took over. The pain was unbearable and all I wanted to do was to finally get away from it. Some peace and respite, anything to just stop myself from thinking about how badly I'd messed everything up. I knew the thing in the world that would give me that was resting underneath my chin.

    I tried to take a deep breath to calm myself, to no avail. I desperately searched my mind for some sort of happy memory to end on. Anything that I could cling to in the darkest moment of my life. I knew there had to be something.

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    The fireplace in Celestia's chambers crackled softly in the cool night. I was already warm and cozy snuggled up under Celestia's wing, but I certainly wasn't going to complain. My cheeks were sore from smiling and laughing so much over the last few hours, but I didn't care; I was as happy as I could ever be. Celestia pulled be close to her, and leaned down to give my cheek a nuzzle with hers.

    "I don't know what you were worried about, Sunset, you're a very interesting pony," she said in that soft, montherly tone of hers.

    I blushed and looked away. My voice was hoarse from talking for so long with her. "I still don't have anything like your stories. You've met so many cool ponies and had so many awesome fights. I wish I could be as interesting as you," I said with so much wonder in my voice. I was still just a filly then and had idolized Celestia ever since I could cast my first spell.

    "Well, most of my years end up being pretty boring. The really exciting parts only happen every few hundred years or so. But you?" she asked with a playful smile. "Your entire life has been filled with interesting stories. In fact, I'm kind of jealous."

    I let out a quick, squeaky laugh and waved my hoof at her. "No you're not."

    "I most certainly am. I can hardly get enough of your stories. Imagine how many more wonderful adventures you'll get to tell me about in the future."

    I gave her another smile, but was quickly overtaken by a yawn. My grin faded with a new thought that popped into my head. "Princess, how long before I'm not your student anymore?" I asked. I'd already been learning from her for almost a year now. Right then, I never wanted it to end.

    She put a hoof to her chin. "Hmm, until I don't have anything left to teach you, I suppose."

    "What happens then? Will we have to stop being friends?" I asked with plenty of worry in my voice.

    "Oh, of course not, Sunset. No matter where you go in life, we're always going to be friends."

    "You promise?"

    Celestia gave me a soft smile and nuzzled me again. "I promise. I'll always be there for you, Sunset, no matter what."

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    I let out a broken laugh between sobs. Was that really the best my brain could come up with? I tried to fight the torrent of awful thoughts that were about to flood my head, but there wasn't much I could really do anymore. I'd lost control of myself a long time ago.

    I pushed the barrel harder against my skin as I thought about how little those words meant now. Where was Celestia now? She hadn't cared about me in years. Had she told that to all of her students? Just lying to make them feel better until she found the right fit? I felt my stomach twist at the thoughts. "I loved you..." I manged to get out in a broken whisper between sobs.

    I tried not to wonder how much of the happiness in my life had been a lie. I'd shared so many wonderful moments with Celestia, only to have it all come crashing down in an instant when I realized where I was supposed to be headed. I grimaced hard and gripped both of my hands even tighter, still careful not to squeeze the trigger though.

    What did it even matter anymore? I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding and let the revolver drop from my chin. My arms felt empty after being tensed for so long. My chest was sore and my throat burned from the constant sobs erupting out of me. I could already feel the little bit of cold air stinging my cheeks where the tears had left their trails.

    It was over. It was all over. There was no point in holding onto my pride any longer. Being right didn't matter anymore. All that really mattered was that connection we'd shared. Celestia and I were as close as two ponies could possibly be. It wasn't just some fleeting friendship--it was so much more than that. I really thought she loved me like no one ever had before... I definitely knew how much I still loved her, even at the very end after I tried to raise an army to overthrow her.

    The regret poured in like scalding water over ice, melting away the hatred in malice I was harboring. All I wanted was just for those words to matter. "I'll always be there for you," she said. My chest heaved even harder at the thought and a loud cry slipped out of me. With a pained wince, I let my head fall to my knees as I huddled them up to my chest. I wrapped my arms around myself and let the sobs overtake me. The broken whimpering and strained cries echoed around my tiny room, no doubt bothering the neighbors. None of them would ever care to check on me anyway.

    Every cold tear running down my cheek was another wonderful memory soured. All the walks through the garden, all the smiles and hugs after I'd mastered a new spell, all the late nights just spent talking about anything and everything... all of them ran down my face and off my thigh, dripping down to the floor to disappear forever. No one cared for their loss, no one would even bother to remember... not even Celestia. The lump in my throat grew so large it started getting hard to breath. My lungs ached from the harsh sobbing that was gripping my entire body. I wanted to scream and ask her why--scream so loud it'd cross through the portal to her. I just wanted to know why I wasn't worth the effort anymore. Why she acted like she cared when she threw me away. Why I was never good enough to progress down the path we both wanted for me. Why I was never worth talking to after all these years, even though I'd kept her stupid book.

    I guess I knew the answers. I just didn't want to accept that she didn't care anymore. I didn't want to admit I'd ruined everything and that she was right to throw me out like last week's garbage. I wiped my forearm across my face in a desperate and futile attempt to keep the tears out of my eyes.

    "I just... I just wanted you to be proud of me..." I managed to mutter out between sobs.

    I took in one last sniff of my runny nose. Did my best to take in a deep breath. The pain building up inside me from all the hurt, betrayal, and regret was a fire I knew I could never put out anymore. I would've taken the worst physical torture imaginable just to get away from that horrible feeling. Knowing how worthless I was to the person I cared about the most in the world was the worst thing I'd ever had to experience, and I knew it'd never go away.

    It was too much. No one person should have to deal with that hurt. I had one way out at least. One last solace in this awful, unforgiving, and uncaring world. I put the revolver back under my chin and let out the air I'd kept trapped in my lungs. A final sigh of relief that all this pain would finally go away and I could finally rest.

    I angled the barrel back at my brain stem. There was no way I would survive, and that's all I really wanted. I let my head fall back and rest against the wall, and with one last, soft breath, I gently closed my eyes on the world...

    And pulled the trigger.

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