{
  "puns": ["\"Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm a deck of cards!\" \"I'll deal with you later.\"",
          "A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancée-free.",
          "A backwards poet writes inverse.",
          "A beer recipe is a kind of brew-print.",
          "A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.",
          "A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.",
          "A book store and clothing store merged under the name text-aisles.",
          "A bunch of robins followed the priest wherever he went. Birds of a father flock together.",
          "A cannibal's favorite game is 'swallow the leader'.",
          "A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.",
          "A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.",
          "A circus lion won't eat clowns because they taste funny.",
          "A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.",
          "A cross-eyed teacher could not control her pupils.",
          "A ditch digger was entrenched in his career.",
          "A doorbell salesman joined the choir, and chimed right in.",
          "A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.",
          "A friend said she did not understand cloning. I told her that makes two of us.",
          "A girl and her boyfriend went to a party as a barcodeThey were an item.",
          "A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.",
          "A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.",
          "A long knife has been invented that cuts four loaves of bread at a time called a four loaf cleaver.",
          "A lot of money is taintedIt taint yours and it taint mine.",
          "A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.",
          "A music store had a small sign which read: Bach in a Minuet.",
          "A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.",
          "A one-legged monk became a bell-hop.",
          "A pediatrician is a doctor of little patients.",
          "A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary.",
          "A plateau is a high form of flattery.",
          "A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.",
          "A quarter-acre of undeveloped land may not seem like much to some people, but to me it's a lot.",
          "A six foot poet stanza very tall.",
          "A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.",
          "A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospitalWhen his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.",
          "A student drove himself so hard that he missed the learning curve.",
          "A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.",
          "A talkative politician was the world's first passenger side air-bag.",
          "A tattoo artist has designs on his clients.",
          "A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, \"Is the bar tender here?\"",
          "A yak is the star of an animal talk show.",
          "After the horse ate all of his hay he had a baleful look about him.",
          "Always trust a glue salesman. They tend to stick to their word.",
          "An alien landed at a soft drink company and said 'take me to your liter'.",
          "An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power struggle.",
          "Ancient orators tended to Babylon.",
          "At the local steel mill they're always raising the bar.",
          "Atheism is a non-prophet organization",
          "Atheism is a non-prophet organization.",
          "Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.",
          "Automatic machines that compete in sculling are rowbots.",
          "Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.",
          "Bookkeepers are problems for libraries.",
          "Broken puppets for sale. No strings attached.",
          "Camel milk comes from a dromedairy.",
          "Chronic illegal parkers suffer from parking zones disease.",
          "Circling vultures are a dead giveaway.",
          "Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking outside the box.",
          "Computer hackers surf the web on keyboards.",
          "Diamond prospectors have to use a good strata-gem.",
          "Did you hear about my friend who hired out vampires and poison, and my other friend who ate children? Could say the first one was the lessor of two evils.",
          "Did you hear about that new drug that makes people angry? It's all the rage now.",
          "Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.",
          "Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was intense.",
          "Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.",
          "Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.",
          "Did you hear about the nun who procrastinated doing her laundry? She had a filthy habit.",
          "Did you know they won't be making yard sticks any longer?",
          "Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig...this poem may not be beautiful, but it sure is deep.",
          "Do you know why Noah's ark was built out of wood? They didn't have arc welders back then.",
          "Don't disturb anyone working on a puzzle or you may get some cross words.",
          "Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!",
          "Don't trust people that do acupuncture, they're back stabbers.",
          "Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.",
          "Eager for some bargains, she was itching to get to the flea market.",
          "Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.",
          "Elevators may bring you down, but to me they're very uplifting.",
          "England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.",
          "Every calendar's days are numbered.",
          "Figure skaters don't like to be in a rut.",
          "Gardeners always know the ground rules.",
          "Girls who don't get asked out as often as their friends could feel out-dated.",
          "Grocery store workers must let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic because baggers can't be choosers.",
          "Harry and Clem the carpenters, argued mightily on how best to complete the dinette set they were working on. They finally agreed to table the discussion.",
          "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.",
          "He and his partner made knives, and they shared a cut.",
          "He became a math teacher due to some prime factors.",
          "He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.",
          "He had a photographic memory that was never developed.",
          "He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.",
          "He wears glasses during math because it improves division.",
          "How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.",
          "I asked the bartender for a small sample and he gave me this micro brew.",
          "I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.",
          "I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.",
          "I don't get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.",
          "I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.",
          "I don't trust these stairs because they're always up to something.",
          "I Googled how to start a wildfire. I got 48,500 matches.",
          "I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.",
          "I got my job at the dentist's office by word of mouth.",
          "I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.",
          "I knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning!",
          "I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday because Monday to Friday are weak days.",
          "I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.",
          "I love Titanic puns. Let that sink in.",
          "I met a math professor who has 12 children - she really knows how to multiply.",
          "I once got into so much debt that I couldn't even afford my electricity bills, they were the darkest times of my life.",
          "I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.",
          "I quit gymnastics because I was tired of hanging around the bars.",
          "I really do have a photographic memory -- I just haven't developed it yet.",
          "I really wanted a camouflage shirt, but I couldn't find one.",
          "I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.",
          "I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.",
          "I sent my baby off to the army. They put him in the infantry.",
          "I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.",
          "I think I'm going to hire the same landscaper I used last year - he was really easy to get a lawn with.",
          "I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.",
          "I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All I got were icy stares.",
          "I used to be a banker but I lost interest.",
          "I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.",
          "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.",
          "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.",
          "I used to have a bad record with soap, but now my slate is clean.",
          "I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.",
          "I used to work at a knife factory, but then it got dull.",
          "I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.",
          "I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.",
          "I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.",
          "I went to the dentist without lunch, and he gave me a plate.",
          "I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.",
          "I would tell you a leech joke, but it would suck anyway.",
          "I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.",
          "I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.",
          "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.",
          "I'm really good at being lazy. In fact, my doctor even said that if I continue being this lazy I should expect atrophy.",
          "If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?",
          "If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.",
          "If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.",
          "If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.",
          "If you drive through swamp country you will see swamps going bayou.",
          "If you give some managers an inch they think they're a ruler.",
          "If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.",
          "If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?",
          "If you spend your day in a well, can you say your day was well spent?",
          "If you're looking for a fish that's good to eat you can't beat a drum.",
          "In democracy its your vote that countsIn feudalism its your count that votes.",
          "In many places Christmas is a custo-Mary holiday.",
          "Is old rope good enough for a hanging? Frayed knot. That stuff is bad noose.",
          "It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.",
          "It was an emotional weddingEven the cake was in tiers.",
          "It wasn't school John disliked it was just the principal of it.",
          "It's a lengthy article on Japanese Sword Fighters but I can Samurais it for you.",
          "It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.",
          "It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.",
          "Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.",
          "Just because I moved back into my old house it doesn't mean I'm rehabbing.",
          "Learning to sleep upside down is often hard for baby bats, but they soon get the hang of it.",
          "Lions don't have to worry about every little detail in life...just the mane thing.",
          "Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.",
          "Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.",
          "Looting a drugstore is called Pillaging",
          "Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.",
          "My dog used to chase a girl riding a bike, but then I took his bike away.",
          "My fear of roses is a thorny issue. I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it.",
          "My friend was fired from his job at the road department for stealing. I have to say I saw it coming. The last time I was at his house all the signs were there.",
          "My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.",
          "My job at the concrete plant seems to get harder and harder.",
          "My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.",
          "My relationship with my chauffeur just isn't going anywhere. It feels like he's always trying to drive me away.",
          "My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me, or at least sew it seams.",
          "Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.",
          "Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.",
          "Never lie to an x-ray technicianThey can see right through you.",
          "New potato puns apeeling?",
          "No one ever wants to babysit the naughty atom, they always have to keep an ion it.",
          "Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can't hit the high seas.",
          "Nylons give women a run for their money.",
          "Old burglars never die they just steal away.",
          "Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.",
          "Old power plant workers never die they just de-generate.",
          "Old programmers never die, they just can't C as well.",
          "Old skiers never die -- they just go down hill.",
          "On a long trek nomads use camels to get them over the hump.",
          "On the farm a cow's derriere contributes to the dairy air.",
          "Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.",
          "Police dogs often have a powerful in-scent-ive.",
          "Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.",
          "Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.",
          "Seven days without a pun makes one weak.",
          "She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.",
          "She swallowed a peach seed and could feel it in the pit of her stomach.",
          "She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.",
          "Should pregnant women be called body builders?",
          "Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.",
          "Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles.",
          "Sign at a place where you lose weight: 'Stop Look and Lessen'.",
          "Sign on the door of an internet hacker. 'Gone Phishing'.",
          "Since I've quit soccer, I've lost my goal in life.",
          "Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.",
          "So what if I don't know what apocalypse means!? It's not the end of the world!",
          "Some people don't like food going to waist..",
          "Some people's noses and feet are build backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.",
          "Some soloists are so bad they should sing tenor twelve miles away.",
          "Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.",
          "Something about subtraction just doesn't add up.",
          "Tacks have a very pin point way of hurting.",
          "Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother board.",
          "The angry chef felt sheepish after he had lambasted the mutton.",
          "The astronomer's research project didn't win him the coveted Galaxy Award, but he did receive a constellation prize.",
          "The ballerina found her feet too-too painful.",
          "The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.",
          "The big city reporter did not impress the Idaho potato farmer, after all he was just a commentator.",
          "The Biomedical Engineer didn't have the heart to check the EKG machine.",
          "The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.",
          "The dead batteries were given out free of charge.",
          "The deer population is staggering.",
          "The dentist put braces on his patient as a stop-gap measure.",
          "The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.",
          "The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting, then it let me down.",
          "The girl quit her job at the doughnut factory because she was fed up with the hole business.",
          "The intelligent entrepreneur's idea for designing catapults meant that his boss was completely thrown.",
          "The inventor of glass decided to see it through.",
          "The leopard tried creeping up on the tigers using its camouflage but it was spotted.",
          "The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.",
          "The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.",
          "The manicurist complimented the carpenter on his nails.",
          "The marine glue manufacturer's plans came unstuck and ended in insolvency.",
          "The new jail tunnel was a runaway success.",
          "The new smoking cessation drug is expensive, and it's shrinking city coffers.",
          "The obese editor started a weight redaction program.",
          "The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.",
          "The ophthalmologist was called to testify because he was the only eye witness.",
          "The orthopaedist slipped outside for a break.",
          "The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.",
          "The patient decided against an organ transplant. Instead, he changed his mind.",
          "The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.",
          "The president can't pass the bill because it's still incongruous.",
          "The rabbi became a professional golfer because he was good at making the cut.",
          "The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.",
          "The shoemaker did not deny his apprentice anything he needed. He gave his awl.",
          "The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large",
          "The spear-fisherman can be a real pain in the wrasse.",
          "The state police highway officer worked tirelessly in the heavy rain to assist a lady whose car was stuck in a ditch. He was a real trooper.",
          "The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.",
          "The tale of the haunted refrigerator was chilling.",
          "There is a special species of bird that is really good at holding stuff together. They are called velcrows.",
          "There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.",
          "There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.",
          "There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.",
          "Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.",
          "Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.",
          "Time flies like an arrowFruit flies like a banana.",
          "To some - marriage is a word ..to others - a sentence.",
          "To win Olympic Gold in cycling, you must put the pedal to the medal.",
          "To write with a broken pencil is pointless.",
          "Toilet paper plays an important role in my life.",
          "Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.",
          "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.",
          "Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.",
          "Two pilgrims were left behind after their diagnostic test came back positive.",
          "Two robbers with clubs went golfing, but they didn't play the fairway.",
          "Two silk worms had a raceThey ended up in a tie.",
          "Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.",
          "We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention",
          "Weight loss mantra? Fat chants!",
          "Weight loss pills stolen this morning - police say suspects are still at large.",
          "What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.",
          "What did the man say when the bridge fell on him. The suspension is killing me.",
          "What did the moon say to his mother? \"It's not a phase, mom.\"",
          "What do dogs do after they finish obedience school? They get their masters.",
          "What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding harline.",
          "What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese.",
          "What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.",
          "What you seize is what you get.",
          "What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.",
          "When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.",
          "When a musician's toupee fell into his saxophone he blew his top.",
          "When a new hive is done bees have a house swarming party.",
          "When accountants are left a loan they become very debt-icated.",
          "When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.",
          "When cannibals ate a missionary they got a taste of religion.",
          "When chemists die, we barium.",
          "When his wife demanded that he give up polo, he decided to chukker.",
          "When notes get in treble, bass-ically they get put behind bars. The alto-nate punishment is to push them off a clef and hope they land flat on sharp objects.",
          "When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland.",
          "When some coins fell into the batter it turned out to be a rich cake.",
          "When the Aztec warrior was about to be punished severely, he was so sad he was disheartened.",
          "When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.",
          "When the diva's vacuum cleaner broke, she refused to use a broom because it just wouldn't be Hoover.",
          "When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.",
          "When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U. C. L. A.",
          "When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.",
          "When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution.",
          "When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.",
          "When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.",
          "When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.",
          "Whoever invented the girdle got a bum wrap.",
          "Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat.",
          "Why don't programmers like nature? It has too many bugs.",
          "Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.",
          "With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.",
          "Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.",
          "You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.",
          "You know prices are rising when you buy a winter jacket and even down is up.",
          "You often hear of a good wine through the grapevine.",
          "You really are addicted to soccer, you should think of kicking the habit.",
          "You will find leather in the middle of a bull market."]
}