GRAHAM: I can’t believe you’re making me do this.
PAUL: I’m not making you do this! I just said I didn’t get it.
GRAHAM: Didn’t get it?! It’s possible the single most important sketch in North American comedy.
PAUL: I just…
GRAHAM [interrupting PAUL]: It doesn’t matter, we’re here now. Let’s just do it. Now, you see that guy?
PAUL: Which guy?
GRAHAM: The guy on first.
PAUL: Okay.
GRAHAM: Okay, what’s his name?
PAUL: Who?
GRAHAM [frustrated]: The guy on first.
PAUL: Yes, that’s Who.
GRAHAM: No, not “Yes who”. Him!
PAUL: Who?
GRAHAM: Exactly. Now, second base. Who’s on second?
PAUL: ...What?
GRAHAM: Precisely. Now, third base.
PAUL: No, no, no. Hang on.
GRAHAM: Yeah?
PAUL: I thought Who is on first?
GRAHAM: Who is on first.
PAUL: That’s what I thought, but now you’re telling me Who’s on second.
GRAHAM: No, What is on second.
[beat]
PAUL: A second basemen.
GRAHAM: And his name is?
PAUL: What.
GRAHAM [more forcefully]: And his name is?
PAUL: That’s his name!
GRAHAM: No, That is not is name. What’s his name.
PAUL: What?
GRAHAM: Exactly! God, it’s like talking to a brick wall. Okay, third base. Who’s on third?
PAUL: I don’t know.
GRAHAM: Well, take a guess.
PAUL: That’s his name!
GRAHAM: No, That is not his name! No one here is named that! I’m asking you who is on third?
PAUL: Wait, I thought Who is on first.
GRAHAM: Who is on first. [Graham makes a noise of frustration, breathes deeply.] It’s okay. I have an idea -- let’s start from the top. [raises voice, looks Stage Right] Hey, uh, first base?
FIRST BASE [from off-stage SR]: Yeah?!
GRAHAM: What’s your name?
FIRST BASE: Who.
GRAHAM: What? Huh?
SECOND BASE [from audience center]: Yeah?
GRAHAM: No, I’m not talking to you I’m talking to him. [points to FIRST BASE]
SECOND BASE: Who?
GRAHAM: I don’t know.
THIRD BASE [from off-stage SL]: Yeah?
GRAHAM [turns to THIRD BASE]: No, shut up. I’m with these guys. [gestures to FIRST BASE and SECOND BASE]
SECOND BASE: Hey, Who!
FIRST BASE: Yeah?!
SECOND BASE: Tell ‘em your name!
FIRST BASE: Who!
GRAHAM [exasperated]: You, dummy! What’s your name?
FIRST BASE: I think you’re confused, buddy. What’s his name.
GRAHAM: I know his name.
[pause]
FIRST BASE: Why are we doing this again?
GRAHAM: Because.
CENTER FIELD: Yeah?!
[GRAHAM turns to CENTER FIELD and gestures at FIRST BASE]
GRAHAM: Tell ‘em why we’re doing this again.
CENTER FIELD: To eliminate confusion!
FIRST BASE: Well, is it working?
CENTER FIELD: I dunno!
THIRD BASE: Yeah?
GRAHAM [to THIRD BASE]: SHUT UP!
[GRAHAM takes a moment to gather himself]
GRAHAM: Okay, once more before I kill somebody.
PAUL: Hey, who’s that guy way out there?
GRAHAM: What? The left fielder? Her name is Why.
PAUL: Really, why?
GRAHAM: I don’t know.
THIRD BASE: Yeah?
GRAHAM: Gah! [gestures threateningly at THIRD BASE]
PAUL: I thought that was her name?
GRAHAM: No, That is not her name. Why is her name!
PAUL: Why is her name what?
GRAHAM: It isn’t! His name is What! [gestures to SECOND BASE]
PAUL: Who?
GRAHAM: [angry noises]
[beat]
PAUL: Okay, you know what? I’ll just Google it.
[PAUL exits]
GRAHAM [as PAUL exits]: Yeah, you do that. We’ll sort it out. It’s okay, we’ll sort it and we’ll come back tomorrow.
[TOMORROW enters]
TOMORROW: Yeah?
GRAHAM: What?
TOMORROW: Tomorrow, you said my name.
GRAHAM: I don’t know.
THIRD BASE: Yeah?
GRAHAM: [sounds of helpless frustration]