bogvamp editing p5

Fran camp + birth events WIP:

//PC had sex with Fran at least once; but hasn't had more sex for at least week. [repeatable]

You notice that you don't see Fran sitting in her usual spot under the shady tree(. S>, s)o you decide to look for your tiny vampire. Luckily as you walk over to where you (can>remove //repetition and I think it works better without it) normally find her, you can hear Fran's soft moans coming from nearby, and you follow their alluring sound.

You walk through a few bushes, pushing them aside (till>until //I think "'till" is a bit too low register for the game. It would be fine in dialogue, but it's weird coming from the narration) you see Fran sitting against a tree. You notice she is nude [If PC has Fran dressed: and sitting on her folded-up clothing]. You stay hidden, watching as she rubs a finger down her quivering slit(, letting> and lets //double participial) out more of the moans that directed you to her. She pants(,) "[P-player], y-yes... Uwa, y-you can go harder..." Her eyes are shut as she clearly fantasizes about you. She throws her blonde-haired head back(,>remove) as she flicks her tiny fingers across her stiff clit.

You continue to watch her as she starts to whine louder(.) "Y-you'll make me... (i>I)t's all tingly..." (h>H)er thighs shake with the built-up lust of what you assume is her approaching orgasm. She rapidly pistons her two nimble fingers in and out of her thirsty love hole(,) desperate for (the) release that you (appear to //Given that you know you're doing it, this feels a bit weird here.) have been denying from her lately.

She (increases //"movements" isn't really an amount. Maybe "speeds up"? "hastens"?) her eager movements and (she //As the first clause also has "she" as a subject, I would probably remove this) covers her mouth with her other hand(,>remove) to (quiet>reduce //don't think "quiet" can handle the "into") her loud moans into (but>remove //Don't know if you were going for the really high register use of "but" as something like "mere", but I don't think it fits either the sentence or your overall tone.) hushed whimpers. You watch her raise her hips upward(.) "I-inside me! It's so hot! [P-player]! I love you, I love you, I love you!" She cries (the words //I think it makes more sense to link this sentence to the dialogue by removing this and changing the "She" to "she".)(,) squirting her love juices all over the ground.

You see her open her now tired eyes and look at her sticky hand(.) "Haaa... I guess... I'm a naughty girl... I want... [Player]... I want (them //I know there's a way to check this, so you can go with something like [PC gender]) to do it instead... I don't know if I can go much longer." She has a pout on her face as she stays seated against the tree, letting out small sighs.

[come out] .tooltip = come out of your hiding place and give her what she wants.

[Leave] .tooltip = You'd rather not do anything now.

//If leave

You can see Fran has taken care of her urges for now and decide that you don't want to do anything at the moment. (Though //"though" doesn't really work well at the beginning of sentences. You could move it around or use "however" or something.), you can't help but worry (if>that //"worry" doesn't take interrogative complementizers like "if" and "whether". I wasn't sure about the previous statement, so I looked it up, and it looks like some people find them grammatical with "worry", but I still think "that" works better here. If all this linguistics garbage doesn't matter to you, my bad.) she'll get herself into trouble doing naughty things like this.

[Next]

//PC comes out of their hiding place.

You come out from your hiding place(,) and Fran's eyes go wide as she covers herself with her hands and stammers out (her words //either put a period after this or delete it (and put a comma) if you'd like the dialogue to be part of the sentence.) "O-oh! Hey(,>remove) there! Uh... [Player]... How long..." (h>H)er face is red as a tomato as she looks away from you(,) embarrassed that you might have caught her.

You shrug and tell her you watched her at least (a>remove) long enough to see a cute show. "Uwa, I'm sorry... I couldn't help it..." You walk over to Fran and pin her arms above her head as you start to suck on her [flat/B-cup/DD-cup/G-cup] breasts,(comma splice) she lets out soft moans(.) "[P-Player], a-are we going to?" You bite down onto her nipple(, //this comma should go after the clothing part) [if PC dressed: and strip your [clothes] enough (to //this doesn't properly lead into the next word.)] then reveal your [cock] to your needy vampire.

Fran gasps at the (sensation on her nipple //I don't think "on" works here. You could go with "of", but you'd need to add something like "of her nipple being bitten".)(,) and her eyes widen at the sight of your shaft (then asks //the clause you're currently in has "eyes" for a subject, and I don't think you're getting into some freaky body horror here. I would recommend adding a sentence break and making it "She then asks")(,) "Y-you're not mad at me, right?" You tell her (of course not //This is too specific for indirect dialogue. You can go with something like "that you aren't", but the specific words that you say is too far.). You begin rubbing the head of your penis against her soaked pussy,(comma splice) both you and Fran shiver in delight at the feeling. Fran grinds her (love hole //I'll keep complaining about this phrase, but also she can't rub the actual hole itself against you. Unless you're really leaning into the body horror thing.) against you(,>remove) and gasps(,) "[P-player], d-don't tease me..." You press your lips to hers(,) cutting off her thoughts(, //If this comma is confusing, it's because the participial phrase is an interjection and not because of the "and".) and slip your hard [cock] into her welcoming body.

You groan while kissing Fran, her tightness coiling around you(,>remove) as if eager to milk you of all the seed you've been depriving it of. Fran breaks the kiss(,>remove) and shouts(,) "G-give it to me harder! I need you so much! M-make my special place take your wiener's shape again!" She thrusts her lithe hips upward to meet your lustful thrusts. (Your lower body makes the decision //"lower body" is generally a bit awkward, but it's especially so in this construction.) to go rougher on (your>the //I think "your" can work like this sometimes, but it feels weird to me here for some reason. I can't quite put my finger on it, so it might just be me.) diminutive vampire for you as you give (into>in to //"give in" is a full compound verb.) her demands(,) ramming yourself into her warm confines forcibly to achieve your much needed climax.
(//You need to add a line break between these paragraphs.)
You feel Fran's snatch coil(repetition //Unusual words tend to stick out a bit more. It's fine to reuse some words between paragraphs, but "coil" needs a bit more room.) around your manhood even tighter as she hits her orgasm,(comma splice //recommend a sentence break) despite this(,) you keep thrusting wildly into (your //See, this one feels great to me. I don't know what it is about the earlier one that doesn't work.) devoted vampire, making her cum multiple times(, //I think replacing the following "and" with "as" instead of adding this comma might work better.) and she shouts(,) "W-wait! I-its sensitive!" (h>H)er tongue rolls out of her mouth(,) and she (then //this feels a bit weird to me) wraps her arm and legs around you (in an effort to get you to slow down //I think this action is
 bit too vague to make this intention clear to the player. I think even just adding "tightly" before "around you" would make it a bit clearer.). This doesn't stop you of course, but sadly this passionate sex is not meant to last much longer, as (her>the //This is similar to an edit I suggested last time where a possessive and a later descriptor clash. I can't say exactly why they don't play nice together, but the "wrapped around you" phrase definitely makes this change necessary.) warm channel wrapped around you is too much (to handle for your [cock]>for your [cock] to handle //This order is a lot more natural. Generally I don't like to recommend changes like this, but the "too much for X to Y" construction feels a bit rigid(i.e., not allowing variation) to me.).

With one final desperate thrust of your hips, you press as deep as you can get into your lover, pouring your cock milk inside her (quivering quim //I feel like I've seen you use this exact alliteration somewhere in the past. While I like it, it's a big red flag for repetition in my book. Even if you wrote the two things far apart, you should consider that players might encounter them close together. Reading through everything I just wrote, I'm not sure if I'm being autistic on this one.). "Uwa, [P-player]'s (babies //Seeing her say this gave me an idea. She seems to get a lot of sex related stuff messed up, so it could be cute to try to give her "the talk".)... I needed them so badly..." She lets out relieved sighs and tells you how much she loves you under her breath.

You gently kiss Fran's forehead(,) and she gives you a satisfied smile(,) then says, "You're amazing... D-don't make me wait too much next time, okay?"

[Next]

//PC still hasn't had sex with Fran after catching her fingering herself another 3 days passed since above event. [Repeatable]
You come back into your camp and don't see Fran anywhere in sight. You also can't seem to find her anywhere(repetition)(,) oddly enough. Once you walk past your tent you hear a strange moan, so you peek inside.

You get a pretty good view of a pale rear belonging to a certain little vampire. Her ass is wiggling up in the air as her finger('>remove)s piston in (then>and) out of her (quivering quim //same comment, but seeing them so close together is definitely triggering the repetition alarm in my head.). You can see her face buried (into>in) your bedding and are just able to make out her muffled words(,>. //This dialogue isn't integrated grammatically.) "[P-player]'s smell! Y-yes, r-right there, p-please!" Her hips sway left and right tantalizingly.

It seems she couldn't help herself and is using the smell of your bedding to get off. You keep watching your horny little vampire as her fingers run across her dripping slit(,) then go back to being shoved in and out of her depths. She raises her hips even higher in the air(,) her supple thighs shaking with lust as she shouts(,) "C-coming! [P-player], I'm c-coming(!) (i>I)t's too good! I love you!" (s>S)he yells your name loudly as her (love juices //general overuse of this phrase) coat your bedding(,) her gasps loud and satisfied.

She basks in the afterglow for a moment, whispering your name over and over, then raises her head in a panicked stated(,>.) "Uwa, uwa! Oh no, I dirtied (their>[PC gender possessive] //or whatever you want to call it. Whoever implements it should know what to do.)... (n>N)o, no, no..." Fran sounds as if she's about to cry at what she's done. You quickly hide yourself and watch Fran leaving your tent with your bedding under her arm, probably planning to clean it up.
(//I just wanted to say I liked this scene, and there were only a few minor issues throughout. Stuff like this definitely shows good improvement.)

[Next]

//PC still hasn't had sex with Fran after catching her fingering herself another 3 days passed since above event; PC is sleeping at camp. [Repeatable]

You feel something crawl on top of you while you're trying to sleep. It's (warm //are your vampires cold? If they aren't, it's all good, but they're usually undead and thus cold.) and light, but you are prepared for the worst as you take a small peek(,) planning to attack whomever or whatever it is if necessary.

Though(,>remove) you see it's Fran(,) her (light(-)skinned //It might be because I'm from the South, but this has a pretty strong connotation of a light-skinned black person to me. Oxford includes "especially of a nonwhite person" in its definition, so it seems like I'm not alone in this.) face is flushed red with arousal and you can feel her hot breath on your neck. (You quickly realize she's completely nude //might want to include a variation for people who keep her nude in general) as she rubs her warm body against you, her hard nipples scraping against your skin as she whispers your name multiple times(.) "[Player]... Please don't wake up. I'm sorry, I can't wait anymore. My special place hurts(.) I need you... I need you... My special place is so hot... Don't wake up and hate me..." She takes your [cock] into her petite hand(,) (stroking it quickly to its full length //"stroking" doesn't work with the "to" phrase. You could go with something like "bringing").

You pretend to stay asleep, as (your>you're) certain Fran would be in tears if she found out you were actually awake. (//Oh no, even the PC is retarded when naked)
She presses her face against your precum leaking length, and she starts rubbing her cheek against it in an affectionate manner. "[Player]'s wiener, it's been so long! Don't worry Fran will take good care of you!" She says it lustfully then wraps her mouth around your shaft, rubbing her tongue all along your dick coating it in plenty of saliva. As she sucks you off greedily, you can hear wet noises coming from between her thighs, her light skinned fingers are playing with her snatch which, from the sounds of it, is already eager to take you inside its depths. With an audible pop she pulls your member from her hot mouth, your [cock] twitching with need.
(//insert line break here)
You feel her get on top of your body, grinding her womanhood lustfully against your crotch (>and //double participial) mixing the saliva coating your shaft with her plentiful (love juices //overall repetition). She lets out sweet sighs of pleasure as you feel her shake like a leaf (in the wind>remove //"shake like a leaf" is an idiom, so it gets processed as one whole chunk. As a result, this gets parsed as modifying the whole phrase, i.e., as if she were shaking "in the wind above you".) above you. She (spends teasing moments //Generally "moment" needs something like "a" or "a few" when used with "spend") roughly rubbing her clit against your stiff prick. You can feel Fran grab your dick with her hand, pressing your tip against her shuddering quim as she slides herself down your now throbbing [cock]. You feel her love tunnel coil around (her>your) shaft as she puts her hands on your [chest] for support(,>.) "Ahhh... [Player], inside me... I almost forgot... Its shape..." She raises her hips(,) then presses them firmly down onto you, wiggling them happily and groaning as your member pulses eagerly within her.

As she shakes her slender hips(,) moans of pleasure begin to escape your mouth(,) and she lets out a small laugh(.) "Ha... Ha... I knew... You missed my special place... You were... Just busy..." She closes her eyes tight as your cock pulses in her thirsty hole. She covers her mouth as she hits her orgasm, her pussy trying to wring the cum from your (on(-)edge //"on-edge" means nervous/jumpy. I could understand it being wary given your love of hydraulic press finishing moves.) [cock]. You loudly moan her name as you grab onto her hips(,) shooting your hot seed into her belly. She gasps at the feeling of you grabbing her hips and filling up her tiny womb, then whispers nervously(,) "[P-player]? Are you... Awake?" she starts to poke your cheek.

You pull her thin body tightly against yours, holding her in a loving embrace. She snuggles on top of you, her [flat/B-cup/DD-cup/G-cup] chest pressed against yours. Fran kisses your cheek softly(,) then whispers into your ear(,) "I'm sorry if you're awake... I really needed you though... So don't be mad... At me(,) please?" (y>Y)ou don't answer her(,) still pretending to be asleep (and>while gently caress(ing) the top of her head (//I could see you slipping the hip-grab by her, but who would believe you're asleep while you're actively stroking her head).

Eventually, as you keep petting her, the comfort of Fran's body against yours helps you drift off to a peaceful sleep.

[Next]

//PC comes back to camp, first of the pregnancy events for Fran. Trigger should be like 1 week pregnant. [Repeat]

*Note Fran Pregnancy lasts 13 in game weeks by default; the PC giving her blood speeds it up by one week. limit the speed up effect from blood to once a day.

As you walk into your camp(,) you look over to where Fran usually sits under the shady tree and see Fran bent over puking her guts out. You decide to urgently check on her, and she (gives a glance //not sure you can "give a glance". "shoots a glance" would work.) in your direction, acknowledging your presence. You see her face is paler (then>than) usual(,) and she has a disgusted look on her face(.) "Oh... Hey..." (S>s)he says(,) suddenly turning away to vomit again. She wipes her mouth(,) frowning.

[Use if Fran's first time pregnant: You ask her if she is okay, and she shakes her head(.) "(Noo //If this is meant to be an extended "no", I would recommend at least "Nooo".)... I'm not feeling too good... (s>S)orry, [Player]." You put a hand to her forehead, but she doesn't feel warmer then usual. Well(,) you'll keep an eye on her(,) you suppose. She gives you a hug. "Don't worry about me, [Player]. I'm certain I'll get better eventually." She has a weak smile on her face. You see her checks puff up as she runs off, puking some more behind the tree she usually sits under.]

[Use if Fran's second+ time: You pat Fran's back(,) telling her you guess you'll have more little vampires in your camp soon. Fran sticks her hand out to the side, giving you a thumbs up as she pukes again. You tell her (>that //makes it feel more indirect) she got through it once before, so it'll pass again(repetition) soon. She nods(,) still bent over (>and //double participial) looking as if she'll spew again(repetition)(.) "Yeah... I'm happy we're having another one. I hope they'll be as perfect you(,)" she says while giving you a weak smile. She then says(,) "Remember(,) I'm counting on you, (<i> papa </i> //no spaces around the word)(.)" (s>S)he uses a teasing tone at the word papa.]

You tell Fran you'll check on her again later and for her to take things easy.

[Next]

//Fran second preg event. Fran pregnant for 4+ weeks pregnant. [Repeat]

As you come back into camp(,) you see Fran run over to you devotedly. She jumps up and down happily(.) "[P-player]! Look!" She shows you her stomach (//you need a conjunction or something here) it looks to have gotten bigger. If you had to guess(,) she looks to be about three months pregnant. She says(,) a bit embarrassed(,) "My belly got bigger! So... Um... I'd like a kiss. As congratulations for the baby." You pull her close(,) kissing her passionately (which //This which doesn't have a corresponding noun before it. You could rework the previous phrase to make "kiss" a noun, or change this.) she returns happily.

She breaks the kiss(,) giving you a loving smile(,) then says, "You'll be a good papa, [Player]. Please, treat our new child as kind(ly //needs to be an adverb) as you've treated me." You pat her head and tell her you'll do your best.

With that news (given //I recommend removing this. It sounds awkward, and this works fine without it)(,) Fran happily walks back to her spot in your camp, and you can see her lovingly caressing her swelling belly.

[Next]

//Last Pregnancy event Fran gives birth. Idk if this is too much of a jump but yolo. [Repeat]

As you come back into camp(,) Fran (greets you happily greets you //doubled "greets you") while stroking her heavily pregnant belly. She tells you nervously(,) "[P-player], I think the baby is coming..." (she //if you want to incorporate this clause into the previous sentence, you could replace this with "and" or add an "as" in front of it. If you don't, capitalize the "s".) takes a deep breath.

You ask her if (she means now, is in right now //feels a bit too direct)(?>. //The full sentence is declarative as the question is embedded.) She nods her head rapidly in response to your question. You lead Fran over to her usual spot, and you can see she has her usually(repetition) dirty sheets already cleaned and a bucket of water nearby. "Cia taught me a little about babies... Uh, so I knew I needed clean stuff and water." You [if Fran is dressed: help her take off her clothes,] (then //move this inside the bracket) lay her down gently, telling her to breath in and out gently(repetition) and push.

Her face clenches up as she groans in pain(.) "I-it r-really hurts..." She gives another push and you can see the [Use PC original hair color" or blonde] head pushing its way out of Fran's slit.

*Note: baby hair color should be random I guess; using either Fran's or the PC's original chosen color.

After(,>remove) a few brief groans and pushes from Fran(,) your child is born into this world with loud cries. As you clean up your new born half vampire child, you give it a quick look over. You realize it has [PC original hair color]/blonde] hair(,>remove) and a mix of your features combined with Fran's. (They //you've already been using "it" for the baby, which I think works better. You should choose one and stick to it.) notably have Fran's crimson eyes, signifying (they //same comment) are at least half vampire. You see (them //same comment) looking at you curiously.

[If Fran births 2+ children: You hear another groan from Fran(,) startling you for a moment as you see another head coming out of her. Fran shouts in an (annoyed displeased //choose one) voice, "Awww... Noooo! T-t-there's more!? Hnng!" You quickly do your best to handle the other children she's birthing.]

Fran's face can only be described as (relived>relieved) when you finally hand her the result of your union(,>.) "Uwa, it's cute, just like (their //same comment, but it's especially weird when you switch mid sentence) papa." (She says this //I notice you do this a lot, but it's weird to have "says this" right after dialogue that isn't part of another sentence, when you could just have it be the object of "says" instead.) with a tired smile, and you tell her how the baby's cuteness is surely thanks to it(')s mother rather than you.
(//line break here)
"We'll make lots more, right?" (S>s)he asks you happily as she (places the baby to //You can't "place to". You could go with "presses" or change the "to".) her milk(-)leaking [flat/B-cup/DD-cup/G-cup] bosom, wincing as it sucks violently on her nipple. You're a bit surprised and ask her if she really wants more(, didn't it hurt her to push them out? //This is just direct dialogue without quotes. It's not even grammatically integrated into the sentence, so I highly recommend rewriting it.) Fran nods her head(.) "It hurt really badly... But(,>remove) I just feel content looking at our baby's face. Do you not want more with me?" You tell Fran you'll think about having more children with her, not committing one way or (another>the other //these are two different sayings).

She nods (to>at) your answer(,>remove) and looks down at your child with a smile(.) "Well, I'm gonna take care of the baby, okay? So(,>remove) make sure to check on us more(,) <i>papa</i>." She gives you a playful smirk(,) and you tell her you will.

[If Fran births 2+ children: You watch as she takes your other recently born children to her breast(,) shushing them gently as they take turns suckling her two nipples.]

You head away from Fran(,>remove) to continue on your travels.

[Next]

//Fran asks Pure Amily how to be a wife. I guess this should just be a random scene that can trigger.

You look around your camp(,) then see Fran and Amily talking. As you approach(,) you start to make out the conversation(,>.) "So, what makes a good wife again?" Fran asks your mouse morph lover. Amily responds while rubbing the back of her head(,) "Well, I... guess being able to cook and make them happy? It's sort of... I never really thought about it."

Fran taps a finger on her chin(.) "And they have lots of babies, right?" Amily's eyes widen at this(,) and she shakes her head(.) "Y-you're a bit young for that... Just follow your heart, okay?" Fran stutters out (her>the //This is a way of integrating dialogue that I didn't talk about because it's kinda rare. Here, the dialogue is functioning like an appositive for "words". Similar to other examples discussed earlier, this doesn't play nice with "her".) words(,) "T-thank you, um..." She gives Amily a hug and Amily returns the gesture a bit awkwardly.

[Next]
//Fran interacts with Izma a random scene that can trigger.

You come back into camp and see Fran and Izma talking to each other. "So that's how you and (them>[PC Gender]) met?"(//you might want to specify who says this. The next sentence makes it clear, but it can't hurt.) Izma nods her head and says(,) "Yeah, that's the gist of it." Fran raises an eyebrow(.) "So... You're not [Player]'s wife?"

Izma lets out a chuckle(.) "It's kind of like that, but not really. (They're //I'm not as sure there's a simple way to do this, but making it "[PC Gender]'s" couldn't hurt.) my Alpha." Fran just looks more confused as Izma ruffles (Fran's>her) hair and tells her "Don't worry(,) you'll understand it eventually."

With their conversation concluded(,) you watch as Fran skips back over to her section of the camp.

[Next]

//Fran interacts with young Sophie's kid.

You come into camp and see Fran chasing around one of your little harpy chicks(,) giggling as she does. You watch them run in circles for a few minutes, then they both hide behind the same tree(,) trying to (still //move to before "trying") catch each other. You can hear Fran shout(,) "Uwa, get back here you fluffy little thing! I wanna hug you!"

She finally catches your little chick in her hands(.) "Ah-ha I got you!" Fran slowly nuzzles her with her cheek(,) getting happy chirps (form>from) your daughter in response. Fran's eyes are closed as she affectionately shouts(,) "So(,>remove) soft! So adorable! I just can't get enough!" You watch her display of affection(repetition) for your daughter for a few more minutes.

You chuckle a little(,) then head back to (what needs to be done //Not a direction, so it doesn't work as is. You could add "do" before "what" to make it work.).

[Next]

//Fran interacts with older Sophie's kid.

You walk into camp and see Fran running away from your older harpy daughter, and she shouts(,) "Uwa, D-don't chase me! Stop! I'm sorry!"
Your harpy girl shouts teasingly in response(,) "Get back here you cute little thing! I wanna hug my <i>little</i> sister!" (e>E)ventually after you watch them run in circles for a few minutes then see them hide behind a tree trying to catch each other (//This sentence is a fragment. It's all part of that "after" clause, but there's no independent clause here. You could put a comma after "minutes" and replace "then" with "you" to make it work.).

With a loud(,) surprised shout from Fran(,) your harpy daughter finally catches her(,) holding Fran (into>to //You can't "hold into".) her bosom (and>as) your devoted vampire struggles against her grip(,>.) "I-I'm your <b>big</b> sister! D-don't call me your little sister! I'm (the) big sister! You hear me!? Big!" She grumbles but begrudgingly returns the hug, which gets a happy sigh from your harpy girl.

You (give a little laugh //You can't really "give a laugh". "let out" would work.) at the display, then get back to doing what you had planned.

[Next]

//Fran interacting with PC + Izma kids

You walk into camp and can't see Fran in her usual spot. After searching around a bit, you see her playing in the stream with your shark children. One of them grabs Fran's butt(,) making her gasp and puff up her cheeks.

She gently taps them on the nose(,) giving a chastising finger wiggle you hear her say(,) "That's naughty! Only [Player](,>remove) can touch Fran's butt, okay?" You child seems to apologize hesitantly while rubbing their nose.

You watch them have a splash fight, laughing and (over all>overall) having a good time. Fran notices you and waves for you to come in with them, but you just wave back and gesture that you have things to do.

Fran pouts, then shrugs(,) going back to playing in the stream.

[Next]