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  1. 23:14]Star Colony:The bitches the bitches the bitches galore.
  2. [23:14]Star Colony:They call and they belch and they shoot foam some more.
  3. [23:15]Star Colony:Hey, Tighe, what are your thoughts on this?
  4. [23:15]Star Colony:
  5. [23:15]Star Colony:David said he thought it sounded interesting.
  6. [23:20]Cecilia:Yeh sounds weird and kind of creepy.
  7. [23:21]Star Colony:Hey, Tighe, let's have sex.
  8. [23:21]Star Colony:...But more seriously, like,
  9. [23:21]Star Colony:May we get in a voice call for just one night?
  10. [23:21]Star Colony:It's fine if you don't want to.
  11. [23:22]Cecilia:eh
  12. [23:22]Cecilia:no not really
  13. [23:22]Cecilia:i still don't see the whole
  14. [23:22]Cecilia:thing that you were supposed to do
  15. [23:22]Cecilia:I mean, it's possible that you did what I asked, but I have no way of knowing without like
  16. [23:22]Cecilia:you doing something
  17. [23:22]Star Colony:...What you asked?
  18. [23:23]Cecilia:yes
  19. [23:23]Star Colony:I... don't remember you asking anything.
  20. [23:23]Star Colony:Wait- didn't you ask me to like,
  21. [23:23]Star Colony:Show I can change, and not just say sorry?
  22. [23:24]Star Colony:There was some term you used to describe it, the fact I was thinking of coming up with new ways of saying "sorry".
  23. [23:24]Cecilia:i have no idea
  24. [23:24]Cecilia:i just know that
  25. [23:24]Cecilia:saying sorry is not enough at this point because words are cheap
  26. [23:24]Star Colony:And I "figured" what I was supposed to do was be more productive.
  27. [23:25]Cecilia:actions and time spent are legitimate metrics to judge whether or not you get to come back.
  28. [23:25]Star Colony:I'm doubting coming back is possible, at this point.
  29. [23:25]Star Colony:I will admit, I wish I hadn't re-contacted Moxie, but like,
  30. [23:26]Star Colony:eh.
  31. [23:26]Cecilia:Eh?
  32. [23:26]Star Colony:I think this is just me being stupid, but I guess I was kind of upset to be dropped, like it felt a little... unfair.
  33. [23:26]Star Colony:Like, okay,
  34. [23:26]Star Colony:How do I describe this?
  35. [23:27]Star Colony:Idk what I was goign through, (I'm guessing obsession), but like,
  36. [23:27]Star Colony:It was kind of upsetting to have felt myself getting better, just for you guys to be like "lol fuck you" and then drop me, and then have me like
  37. [23:27]Star Colony:become stupid again
  38. [23:27]Star Colony:Like, okay.
  39. [23:27]Star Colony:I'm not going to say it was wrong for you to have done that.
  40. [23:27]Cecilia:but you felt like it was wrong
  41. [23:27]Star Colony:Nor am I going to say that like,
  42. [23:28]Star Colony:I didn't fuck up.
  43. [23:28]Star Colony:yeh okay nvm
  44. [23:28]Star Colony:I'm just being stupid.
  45. [23:28]Cecilia:but you felt like it was wrong
  46. [23:28]Star Colony:yes
  47. [23:28]Star Colony:again:
  48. [23:28]Cecilia:uh huh
  49. [23:28]Star Colony:i'm being stupid.
  50. [23:28]Cecilia:that is a cop out
  51. [23:28]Cecilia:just saying
  52. [23:28]Cecilia:denying that you feel a certain way is not like
  53. [23:28]Cecilia:healthy
  54. [23:29]Cecilia:like it would be one thing if you viewed your feeling as actually stupid or wrong
  55. [23:29]Star Colony:I'm not denying it's a way I feel, I'm just saying it was a stupid way of thinking.
  56. [23:29]Cecilia:but I have a feeling that calling it stupid is just a way to signal that you want to be back with us
  57. [23:29]Cecilia:also
  58. [23:29]Cecilia:that's the thing
  59. [23:29]Cecilia:i don't think
  60. [23:30]Cecilia:...let me put it this way: I don't feel like you actually think it's stupid because you keeup bringing up points that cover your ass
  61. [23:30]Cecilia:and you don't regard those points with skepticism
  62. [23:31]Star Colony:I mean, that's fair, yeah.
  63. [23:31]Cecilia:like
  64. [23:31]Cecilia:mostly it's just the way you phrase things
  65. [23:31]Cecilia:where instead of going
  66. [23:32]Cecilia:"It feels unfair. I know that is what it feels like, but I can enumerate all the different ways that you guys were fair to me, and damn is that feeling wrong. I just--I just keep coming up with these stupid excuses, and I feel like you guys might help me if you took them apart for me? Maybe I'll get rid of it then."
  67. [23:33]Cecilia:you say
  68. [23:33]Cecilia:"It feels unfair, but maaaan that is a stupid feeling man. I am stupid."
  69. [23:33]Star Colony:...What?
  70. [23:33]Star Colony:Okay, I think I get what you're saying.
  71. [23:34]Star Colony:Like, basically, I'm saying like, "I know I did all these wrong things, but can you take them apart for me so that I can tell what's wrong and fix it myself?"
  72. [23:34]Star Colony:Instead of like
  73. [23:34]Star Colony:"Hey I figured this out myself! Here's what I have to show you I've changed!"
  74. [23:34]Star Colony:(Also, I won't specify what, but a recent event has just made changing for me possible.)
  75. [23:34]Star Colony:(Like, I was going through a state of mental recovery still. It was much slower without you guys, but it was happening nonetheless.)
  76. [23:35]Cecilia:Not quite what I meant.
  77. [23:35]Star Colony:Oh, all right.
  78. [23:35]Star Colony:My apologies for the misunderstanding, then.
  79. [23:35]Cecilia:aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
  80. [23:35]Cecilia:why are you apologizing
  81. [23:36]Cecilia:aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
  82. [23:36]Star Colony:I like eggs.
  83. [23:36]Cecilia:aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
  84. [23:36]Star Colony:Because I feel bad for not understanding?
  85. [23:36]Cecilia:no that is
  86. [23:36]Cecilia:why
  87. [23:36]Cecilia:wuahfidshfiusahfiudsahfiudsahfdsahfiudsafdsa
  88. [23:36]Star Colony:lol
  89. [23:36]Star Colony:why am i laughing
  90. [23:36]Cecilia:ok
  91. [23:37]Cecilia:explain the apology to me real quick
  92. [23:37]Star Colony:???
  93. [23:37]Star Colony:
  94. Star ColonyToday at 11:36 PM
  95. Because I feel bad for not understanding?
  96. [23:38]Cecilia:e l a b o r a t e
  97. [23:38]Star Colony:I didn't understand what you said, which means it was a waste of effort on your part.
  98. [23:39]Star Colony:And thus, I feel bad.
  99. [23:39]Star Colony:And thus, I am sorry.
  100. [23:39]Cecilia:ok
  101. [23:39]Star Colony:(this is stupid)
  102. [23:40]Cecilia:well, let me tell you that I don't feel stupid for asking
  103. [23:40]Cecilia:because there was
  104. [23:40]Cecilia:another alternative
  105. [23:40]Cecilia:that I thought you were going to ay
  106. [23:40]Cecilia:say*
  107. [23:40]Cecilia:but thankfully you didn't
  108. [23:40]Star Colony:Oh? And what's that?
  109. [23:40]Star Colony:If I had to make a guess, actually.
  110. [23:41]Star Colony:"I'm sorry, but like, I think you should try explaining again."
  111. [23:42]Star Colony:(I find it interesting, that I feel different parts of my brain being active when I used different modes of thinking.)
  112. [23:42]Star Colony:(And I feel like the more intelligent part is the part I feel at night, so... I've just been using that part of my brain more and more often.)
  113. [23:42]Star Colony:(I mean, you'd think "why the fuck didn't you do that in the first place")
  114. [23:43]Cecilia:"I feel bad because I'm not getting it, because I'm failing to better myself. It's showing how difficult or maybe even how impossible things like this are going to be for me. That is why I feel bad: I don't see a way forward and I'm feeling despair, Tighe. I'm apologizing to myself."
  115. [23:43]Cecilia:is what I was thinking
  116. [23:43]Star Colony:Oh, okay.
  117. [23:43]Star Colony:Yeah that seems stupid.
  118. [23:43]Cecilia:it
  119. [23:43]Cecilia:is not
  120. [23:43]Cecilia:stupid
  121. [23:43]Cecilia:that is not specific enough
  122. [23:43]Cecilia:it is not actually
  123. [23:43]Cecilia:a BAD mindset to have
  124. [23:43]Cecilia:besides the apologizing to yourself part
  125. [23:44]Cecilia:but wanting to improve is never a bad idea.
  126. [23:44]Cecilia:No, what is actually wrong with what is being said here?
  127. [23:45]Star Colony:Hmm...
  128. [23:45]Star Colony:Second guess is that it's like, I'm emotionally fucked.
  129. [23:45]Star Colony:And thus, incapable of improving, due to my mental state.
  130. [23:45]Star Colony:"I can't move forward. I'm feeling helpless, Tighe, please help me!"
  131. [23:46]Cecilia:i'm
  132. [23:46]Cecilia:kind of weirded out
  133. [23:46]Star Colony:...?
  134. [23:46]Cecilia:right now
  135. [23:46]Star Colony:Why?
  136. [23:47]Cecilia:like, I have a model of you and like
  137. [23:47]Cecilia:again it's how you're phrasing everything
  138. [23:47]Cecilia:that is sending this really conflicting signal
  139. [23:47]Cecilia:where like your statements are said in a way that reflects what I want to hear
  140. [23:48]Cecilia:but then when you try to explain why I would like that statement, you don't identify what I find important
  141. [23:48]Cecilia:and it ust
  142. [23:49]Cecilia:and that just makes me think that, no, you don't actually endorse what you're saying, you're just copying the wording that we wanted you to use
  143. [23:49]Cecilia:without any of the emotion or belief behind it
  144. [23:49]Star Colony:I mean, I can understand why you'd think that, yeah.
  145. [23:49]Star Colony:Like,
  146. [23:49]Star Colony:bleh
  147. [23:50]Star Colony:To be fair, I am sort of just guessing like,
  148. [23:50]Star Colony:What it is, like, that's not to say
  149. [23:50]Star Colony:I'm picking randomly, like, I'm still thinking about it, but like,
  150. [23:50]Star Colony:I'm being stupid, I think.
  151. [23:50]Star Colony:Which is why like
  152. [23:50]Star Colony:I'm not finding the answer you're looking for.
  153. [23:50]Star Colony:Hold on, lt me think a bit longer, if that's all right?
  154. [23:51]Cecilia:take your time
  155. [23:52]Star Colony:(I feel like I'm playing a phoenix wright game, trying to identify the part of the testimony that... isn't quite right.)
  156. [23:52]Star Colony:(except I probably shouldn't be guessing.)
  157. [23:52]Star Colony:(I'm sure you get what I mean, though.)
  158. [23:53]Star Colony:It seems like the poblem lies in beng self-defeatist, and like,
  159. [23:53]Star Colony:Asking you to carry my weight,
  160. [23:54]Star Colony:But I can't idetify what specifically about that is the problem here.
  161. [23:54]Cecilia:all i want to know is
  162. [23:55]Cecilia:whether you think that is what i would say is your problem
  163. [23:55]Star Colony:...?
  164. [23:55]Star Colony:What do you mean by that?
  165. [23:55]Cecilia:do you think that I think that your problem is the self-defeatest, going-to-us-at-the-first-sign-of-trouble thing?
  166. [23:56]Star Colony:I mean, yeah, that does seem to me like what you'd be thinking.
  167. [23:56]Star Colony:I could be wrong about that,
  168. [23:57]Star Colony:But I think it's a pretty damn good reason to be like
  169. [23:57]Star Colony:"alex wtf your wqhuoafnefwaifn"
  170. [23:57]Star Colony:Tighe...?
  171. [00:00]Star Colony:I think this means I said something wrong.
  172. [00:02]Cecilia:yeah
  173. [00:02]Cecilia:that's all it is
  174. [00:02]Cecilia:i just
  175. [00:02]Cecilia:don't felel like yo're thinking about me
  176. [00:02]Cecilia:or david
  177. [00:02]Cecilia:and it shows in how you're anticipating problems with your thinking
  178. [00:02]Cecilia:it's not that what you said is bad
  179. [00:02]Cecilia:hell
  180. [00:03]Star Colony:Oh.
  181. [00:03]Cecilia:that could be a possible explanation for why
  182. [00:03]Cecilia:you're doing bad
  183. [00:03]Cecilia:but that's not
  184. [00:03]Cecilia:what
  185. [00:03]Cecilia:i care about at the moment
  186. [00:03]Star Colony:It's... that I'm not taking you guys seriously, or for that matter,
  187. [00:03]Star Colony:Your guys's concerns.
  188. [00:03]Star Colony:I'm thinking
  189. [00:03]Star Colony:"MAN MY LIFE SUCKS"
  190. [00:03]Star Colony:"IDC WHAT TIGHE AND DAVID ARE GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW"
  191. [00:03]Star Colony:"LEMME GET THEIR HELP LOL"
  192. [00:03]Star Colony:And then I died.
  193. [00:03]Star Colony:Yeah?
  194. [00:04]Star Colony:Because if that's the case, then I do feel pretty bad.
  195. [00:04]Cecilia:uh
  196. [00:04]Cecilia:like slight alteration
  197. [00:05]Cecilia:"MAN MY LIFE SUCKS, IDC WHAT TIGHE AND DAVID ARE GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW, I NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME DUDE"
  198. [00:06]Cecilia:like, yes you should try to solve your problems on your own, but that's not what I am focusing on
  199. [00:06]Cecilia:right
  200. [00:06]Star Colony:Oh, in other words,
  201. [00:06]Star Colony:I'm trying to figure out my problems, which is a good thing, but I'm using you guys to do it, yeah?
  202. [00:06]Star Colony:Hence why you changed "lemme get their help lol"
  203. [00:06]Star Colony:to
  204. [00:06]Star Colony:"i need to figure out what's wrong with me"
  205. [00:06]Star Colony:to highlight the whole
  206. [00:06]Cecilia:no
  207. [00:06]Cecilia:no
  208. [00:06]Cecilia:no
  209. [00:07]Cecilia:no
  210. [00:07]Cecilia:no
  211. [00:07]Cecilia:no
  212. [00:07]Cecilia:NO
  213. [00:07]Cecilia:hah...
  214. [00:07]Cecilia:i edited that out to specifically
  215. [00:07]Cecilia:not have you think that I had your idea
  216. [00:08]Cecilia:of being bothered by your asking for help
  217. [00:08]Cecilia:at no point
  218. [00:08]Cecilia:did i think that it would be annoying or something
  219. [00:09]Cecilia:all I thought was that I wasn't going to help you with it because you kept not being able to move forward with my help
  220. [00:09]Cecilia:so
  221. [00:09]Cecilia:you needed to do it on your own
  222. [00:09]Star Colony:Yeah no, you're just trying to say that like, using you guys as my go-to is like, bad.
  223. [00:09]Star Colony:Maybe not annoying for you, but like,
  224. [00:09]Cecilia:not because of some intrinsic badness of asking for help, but because or something else
  225. [00:09]Star Colony:I need to figure out my own problems instead of being like
  226. [00:09]Cecilia:not
  227. [00:09]Star Colony:"Hey I can just use the David Tighe 3000 to solve all my problems"
  228. [00:10]Cecilia:ok
  229. [00:10]Cecilia:look
  230. [00:10]Cecilia:i did not
  231. [00:10]Cecilia:conciously
  232. [00:10]Cecilia:think
  233. [00:10]Cecilia:about this
  234. [00:10]Cecilia:it was not something fundamental that i thouhgt about long and hard
  235. [00:10]Cecilia:it was not even something deeply held
  236. [00:10]Cecilia:so no
  237. [00:10]Cecilia:that is not
  238. [00:10]Cecilia:what i was thinking
  239. [00:10]Cecilia:i was not thinking about the help thing
  240. [00:11]Cecilia:i was thinking more along the lines of being bothered
  241. [00:11]Cecilia:because you weren't able to properly grok what was going on with us
  242. [00:11]Cecilia:and why we felt the way that we did
  243. [00:11]Star Colony:I had a feeling that there was something like that the entire time I was messaging you guys, yeah.
  244. [00:12]Star Colony:Even if it was only sub-conscious.
  245. [00:12]Star Colony:Hmm...
  246. [00:12]Star Colony:Admittedly, though, I failed to guess that, out loud to be specific.
  247. [00:12]Cecilia:maybw maybe not
  248. [00:13]Cecilia:anyway
  249. [00:13]Cecilia:good luck
  250. [00:13]Star Colony:Good luck with what?
  251. [00:13]Cecilia:well there's the emotional aspect of your problem
  252. [00:13]Cecilia:where you didn't figure out how we were feeling
  253. [00:13]Cecilia:and still
  254. [00:14]Cecilia:apparently don't get that
  255. [00:14]Cecilia:but no, you don't get how to improve or why what we were saying was important
  256. [00:14]Cecilia:so
  257. [00:14]Cecilia:demonstrate that you can change
  258. [00:14]Cecilia:ok?
  259. [00:14]Cecilia:please
  260. [00:14]Cecilia:it doesn't need to be tonight
  261. [00:15]Star Colony:I... okay, that's fine, but like... what?
  262. [00:15]Cecilia:or even tomorrow
  263. [00:15]Star Colony:When you said "good luck", did you mean like,
  264. [00:15]Cecilia:to both of those things
  265. [00:15]Star Colony:You want me to do things on my own like, for real? Permanently?
  266. [00:15]Star Colony:I mean if so that makes sense but like
  267. [00:15]Cecilia:good luck in demonstrating the capacity to change and figuring out how we felt
  268. [00:15]Star Colony:ugh
  269. [00:15]Star Colony:I'm doing it again, aren't I.
  270. [00:16]Star Colony:Asking you to help me like
  271. [00:16]Star Colony:figure this out
  272. [00:16]Star Colony:so
  273. [00:16]Star Colony:I'm going to stop doing that now.
  274. [00:16]Cecilia:i'll throw you a bone again
  275. [00:16]Cecilia:so like
  276. [00:17]Cecilia:imagine that you were in my position with David
  277. [00:17]Cecilia:and I were the one who was estranged
  278. [00:17]Cecilia:would you feel annoyed at me if I came up and like asked for a direction or even a hint?
  279. [00:18]Star Colony:Hmm...
  280. [00:18]Star Colony:I mean, if I was in a good mood? I'd probably be like "ok whatever" and just tell you what to do.
  281. [00:19]Star Colony:But I feel like it'd get tiring to have to repeat myself, yeah.
  282. [00:19]Cecilia:ok well
  283. [00:19]Cecilia:you know what would make it feel totally worth it to explain something to you
  284. [00:20]Cecilia:well, I'm not going to tell you what it is that would make it worth it, but there are definitely things that would make explaining tons of shit worth it to you
  285. [00:20]Cecilia:and within that
  286. [00:20]Cecilia:you will find a shadow of the solution to your larger problem
  287. [00:20]Cecilia:i think
  288. [00:21]Cecilia:if you want my actual feelings, I'm more annoyed by the faux apologies and bullshit
  289. [00:21]Cecilia:than the requests for help
  290. [00:21]Cecilia:i don't really
  291. [00:21]Cecilia:think that
  292. [00:21]Cecilia:the requests for help is what you should focus on
  293. [00:21]Cecilia:i guess
  294. [00:22]Star Colony:That seems reasonable, yeah.
  295. [00:22]Cecilia:anyway
  296. [00:23]Cecilia:good luck
  297. [00:23]Star Colony:All right, thanks Tighe.
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