Thread 1: Stories 61-75

_________________________________________________________________________________________

~Princess Celestia is sitting in her study, sipping a cup of tea, whilst reading a novel~

~Applejack walks in through the study doors~

"NO!"

~Celestia slams the door shut~

~Applejack attempts to get in through the ceiling~

"NO!!"

~Celestia boards up any and all vents, grates, or down-hatches with summoned wood beams~

~Applejack pokes her head in from the window~

"NEIN!!"

~Celestia throws her desk against the window and sets fire to all the remaining windows~

~Applejack roughly pushes a floor tile from its position in the floor, getting a hoof into the room~

"NON!!"

~Celestia crashes her hoof down on the offending hoof of Applejack, to which the orange alicorn retreats back into the floor and replaces the tile~

~Celestia then decides to go to the toilet, whilst in the stall, Appljack pokes her head under the door~

"NAHI!!"

~Celestia forcefully connects a hind-hoof with Applejack's face~

~Suddenly, Applejack appears from under the toilet seat~

>"IF ONLY THERE WAS SOMEWHERE YOU COULD HIDE!"

"Leave me alone!"

>"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!"
_________________________________________________________________________________________

>NO.

>NO.

>NOOOOOOPE.

>Well, the no's have it!

>Aw, come on guy!

>Twilight, no. We are not turning the rest of your friends into Alicorn.

>You did it for Applejack!

>We all have our moments. Moments of brilliance... and moments of sheer, stupefied questioning of our actions, and how much cider we must have ingested to even consider it.

>....Wait, which one am I?

>The important one, dear Applejack, the important one.

>.....soooooo-

>We agree, Twilight! Thine friends have shown no propensity for the rule of our land, and we shudder to think what they will do if given absolute power. If nothing else, the white one may attempt to overthrow us all.

>Rarity said you just walked under a loose ceiling tile.

>Twi, you know Ah' love the girls like family, but even Ah' have to admit that the idea of Pinkie with magic is enough to send me screamin'. Into a lake. A lake Ah' decide would be a fantastic place for a bed. Forever.

>Twilight, I assure you that should I ever find need of them, and should they prove themselves as worthy, I will grant them the gift. However, today is not that day.

>I guess....

>Good. Meeting adjourned.

>*from outside* Does that mean I can come in now?

>NO BOYS ALLOWED!
_________________________________________________________________________________________

>Hey, Celestia, ya got a moment?

>Ah, but there's a philosophical question if ever I've heard. Does anyone truly ever have a moment? Through what measure of time can a moment even be attached to? These are the baffling questions we should be asking ourselves.

>...No, really. Ah just need to unwind fer a second. Had a terrible nightmare.

>A nightmare? You mean this isn't about you noticing yet another one of my many, many oversights towards governing Equestria?

>Naw, not this time. Anyway, when Ah went to sleep... Ah dreamed that Ah'd been turned into an alicorn, and then made to rule beside Princess Celestia!

>...

>Yeah, and that's not even the worst part! When Ah started workin' with her, she'd already had everything fixed! Equestria was a land of joyful prosperity and overabundance! And because of that, there was nothing for me to do but sit on mah plot and eat cake all day....

>...

>I know, terrifyin', right? But then, thankfully, when Ah woke up Ah looked over on mah nightstand and breathed a sigh of relief at all the many unsigned documents and crooked ordinances that still needed fixin'. Set mah heart at ease. So what Ah really came here to say was thanks, Princess, fer givin' me loads of work to keep me busy everyday.

>...

>...

>...You have exactly ten seconds to vacate my chambers before things get chaotic, dearest Applejack.

>Ah'll only need three.
_________________________________________________________________________________________

>Princess Celestia!

>OH SWEET HEAVENS NO- wait, Twilight!?

>...yeah?

>Oh! O-oh. I thought you were someone else.

>...You okay?

>Fine. Just fine. Just... I keep thinking Applejack is going to pop out at any moment. Like the worlds worst jack in the box had a giant bill taped to it's hand and secretly hungers for my sanity.

>...M'kay. Just had a question.

>Of course, my dear former student. Whatever did you need?

>Well, I was doing my taxes, and I just realized. Is Spike... your son? Or mine? Is he a ward of the state? How does that work exactly? I mean, I hatched him, but he was in your care before this. It's not like I adopted him when I was four, and my parents didn't adopt him either. What's the deal with that?

>Oh Twilight, it's silly that you would even ask. The answer is simplySMOKEBOMBATTACK!

*Smoke bomb noise*

>...Princess?

>*in the distance* You'll never get a straight answer from me! MWAHAHAHAHAHAH!

>....I'mma put 'not applicable' on that part.
_________________________________________________________________________________________

"Applejack! Are you here?"

>Twilight! What do Ah owe ya for the pleasure?

"I was just asking Celestia about Spike's legal status as a dependent, but she just ran away! Threw me off with a smoke bomb no less! It's just, ugh!"

>Oh? Well, Ah thought you already took care of that 'fore coming to Ponyville. You should ask the census bureau for the exact documentation, but maybe Ah... Wait. Dependent?

"Yes? I was doing my taxes and I was wondering who would get the tax deduction for taking care of him."

>Ah see... Each dependent family member accounts for deduction of 750 bits per year from your taxable income...

"Which would net me a total of 474 bits over the last eight years, including a 3% yearly compound interest."

>But wait. You wanted to know his familial status because of your taxes... not because you consider him family?

"I... Uh..."
_________________________________________________________________________________________

>"Hey, Princess Luna?"

"What doth thou require of Us?"

>"Celestia jus' bashed her skull in with a flail t' avoid answering any more questions from me, so until her immortality done heals her up, A'hm gonna ask yer instead."

"Proceed."

>"What's with all th' new species o' ponies poppin' up all over th' shop?"

"We do not understand..."

>"Oh, y'know; moth ponies, vampire ponies, fluffy ponies, fat ponies (I mean c'mon, have you ever seen an overweight pony?), gigantic ponies, micro ponies, anthro ponies. Th' list goes on!"

"This is troubling news indeed. We were not aware such instances had occurred."

>"Well t'aint necessarily a bad thing y'know? They're just poppin' up, mostly from th' everfree, an' just... get on wi' life. Jus' curious as t' where they all come from..."

"We see... We do not know how to proceed. Is thou certain their intent is pure? Are they at all causing any form of chaos?"

>"A-nope, just, kinda, doing life... things."

"Then perhaps we should let them be? Or We can look into their true intentions for thou."

>"Nah, it's fine, jus' curious about them is all. Nice t' know you actually wanna run things proper n' care about th' country rather than eat cake all day."

"Indeed."
_________________________________________________________________________________________

Fun fact, after coronation, all princesses are handed a case of smoke bombs and told to "use them wisely."

Cadence burned through hers in under a day.
_________________________________________________________________________________________

>Don't worry, Twilight. You would have your eight years worth of Spike tax deduction, directly from Celestia's cake budget for this fiscal year.

"Really? That would net me at least three reference texts-"

>Since Celestia also took care of Spike for eight years, she would get the same amount from your yearly library maintenance budget. I bet she can buy forty cakes with that money.

"WHAT? HOW DARE YOU TOUCH THE LIBRARY BUDGET! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WILL PLUNGE PONYVILLE TO ILLITERACY AND BRING FORTH A NEW DARK AGE?"

"AND HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY CAKE! DON'T YOU KNOW EQUESTRIA WILL BURN FROM MY ANXIETY STEMMING FROM THE LACK OF CAKE?"

>BOTH OF YA SHOULD BE GRATEFUL I'M GIVING YOU BOTH THE SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY FROM YOUR OWN SOURCES SO YOU WON'T LOSE A SINGLE BIT AT THE END! STOP WHINING OR BOTH OF YOUR TAX DEDUCTIONS GO TO APPLEBLOOM'S COLLEGE FUND!

"Oh... um... I'm... sorry, Celestia. And I should say sorry to Spike too. He underwent a lot of stress to gather all the tax law books in the library. Because I was being greedy."

"And I should also say sorry to you for trying to avoid my responsibilities just because I thought it would be fun."

>It's alright, both of you. Managing your finances is important but it shouldn't be done at the expense of your family or friends. I had to learn that lesson the hard way, so I'm glad it stopped before blowing up.

"I am glad we could reconcile peacefully, Princess."

"So am I, Princess Twilight Sparkle."

>It's very touching and all, Celestia. But you're still being charged for the smoke bomb and cleaning expenses. The total cost would be around 500 bits.

"... Horseapples."


_________________________________________________________________________________________

>"Hey Celestia!"

"No no no I do not need this shit already.."

>"It's.. it's good tah see you're recoverin' well! Ah brought cookies?"

"Please tell me you're not trying to butter me up before asking me something that will only make me demand more morphine."

>"Hmm? Nah. Don't recollect any questions. An' the paperwork's fine too. Nothin' prominant, though there is a bill fer when ya get back."

"Well that's a relief."

>"Though now y'all mention it.."

"Here it comes. Nurse! Can I possibly see about getting some additional painkillers?"

>"'Tia."

"Er, hold that thought miss. What is it Applejack?"

>"Ah was only goin' tah say it's awful strange ah still have mah accent after livin' in Canterlot fer so long. Ah mean, it's not like ah can't speak fancy if ah want to."

"Now that you mention it.. it might have something to do with the Alicorn spell.. our immortality generally 'resets' us to an safe state when injured or aging.."

>"So ah'm going to sound like ah've just stepped outta a farm among all the swanky pants nobles fer eternity?"

"..basically, yes."

>"Ah blame you fer this you realise."

"NURSE! MORPHINE."
_________________________________________________________________________________________

>"Hey have you seen the Elements of Harmony? I lost 'em a couple days ago."

"Why dost thou perpetually speak so peculiarly?"

>"I don't know! It just comes out that way!"

"Please mine sister, refrain from embarrassing us in front of our court."

>"I, you're right. I.. shouldeth.. attempt to.. speak more.. correctlyeth?"

"Never injure mine ears in such a manner again. Is that clear?"

>"Yes'm."

"We wonder at what befell thou that drove thy speech to be so impaired. Our subjects would not speak such even if I waited a thousand years!"

>"..nu-uh."

"Do not trifle with me sister. I am willing to wait to prove mine point."

>"Bet you won't really."

"Sister..."

>"You'd never be able to wait a thousand years. And where could you go anywhere to avoid being disturbed?"

"The celestial sphere, the pale eye! My domain of dreams and slumber of course."

>"Tell you what, you wait in the moon for a thousand years and if our citizens don't talk like me then I'll announce that you're the Queen of Equestria."

"A deal has been struck! I shall away!"

>"I can't believe that worked. Got the entire fucking castle to myself for once! Ah, and I can mess with her when she comes back in a year or two that she couldn't wait."
_________________________________________________________________________________________

>...what the hay? Celestia!

>You'll never take me ali-

>It's about Cadence.

>Oh, okay. That's usually her fault, not mine. What's the matter?

>What on earth is she spendin' fifty thousand bits on every month? What does IB stand for?

>IB...IB... oh! Illusion bombs?

>Illusion what now?

>Illusion bombs. They're essentially smoke bombs, but they use illusions so that when you move through the smoke it doesn't shift with you, that way nobody can tell which way you went. Works fantastic for a Pegasus. I actually.... oh.

>Oh?

>I uh... I MAY have given her a box of those once, as a joke. You know, the old "And use these if someone asks a question you don't know" joke? It's really quite funny.

>Uh huh. How many of these things is she buying?

>Well, they cost about a thousand bits a pop, so she's burning through nearly two of them every day. They can be set to last for up to six hours, so that's... unsettling.

>......

>.....She may not have understood I was joking, in hindsight.

>Ah' blame you.

>Tuesday already? My, how time flies.
_________________________________________________________________________________________

>Annnnd here she comes, folks. Less than two minutes after I've risen the sun, I'm tired, sweaty, annoyed, but yet, here she comes.

>Mornin', Celestia! Lemme first say, good job for once raisin' the sun! Second, can Ah ask ya a question?

>Applejack, my family-driven, Stetson-wearing, fault-finding diamond in the rough, I'm going to be frank with you, just this one time. Yes, you can ask me a question. You can ask as many fucking question as you damn well please. You know why? Because you'll do so whether I say you can or not. You've been a legal princess of Equestria for all of three short weeks now and you've asked more questions than the number of colts Cadence ran through during her school years. And that's a number in the fucking hundreds. Shit, Starswirl the me-damned Bearded didn't even ask this many questions and he was a philosopher, paid to do that shit. I don't necessarily rue the day whatever rock hit me over the back of the head and made me decide to make you a princess, because you're making great strides and fighting to protect and ensure the safety of the vox populi, but I do hold a great deal of contempt for whatever being saw fit to give you vocal cords. If it were up to me, you wouldn't have any, and don't think I'm playing favorites here. Nobody would. This world land of ponies and centaurs and vampires and whatever the fuck else would be mute as shit if I had my way. I... What was that beeping noise?

>...Well, that kind of pertained to my question, Celestia. Yer specially ordered cake from Saddle Arabia came in today but the mailmare needed yer signature to hand it over. Ah reckon that was them takin' off, they did say they were on a tight schedule... Er, Celestia, why's yer mane an' tail turnin' bright gold like that?

>Oh, that's just what happens right before I obliterate all life on the planet. This will be the third time, actually.

>Ah. Well. This is all yer fault, ya know.

>I know, Applejack. Buh-bye now.
_________________________________________________________________________________________

>Prince Armor, you have... lung cancer.

>How could this have happened!?

>Well, from the looks of things, you seem to have been smoking so many packs a day that you burned through every bit of tobacco in Equestria. That seems like a problem.

>I've never smoked a day in my life! I've- wait, do Illusion Bombs act like that?

>Oh no no no, they're just illusions after all. Well, I mean, in SOME cases Unicorns have been shown to experience physical symptoms from it, due to their magic synchronizing with the illusions and their bodies reacting to what it thinks is happening, but you'd have to be REALLY unlucky for that.... oh.

>Yeah.

>Are you going to tell your wife?

>You know what? I'm going to come back as a ghost and see how long it takes her to notice I'm dead.
_________________________________________________________________________________________

>"Yeah, see.. me bein' the princess of earth an' life kinda makes me about as indestructible as yer sis. Smarts, though."

"Oh.. er... shit."

>"Actually, where IS Luna?"

"She'll dig herself out of the rubble eventually. I imagine Discord and Twilight will turn up too. Though with any luck Cadence will be stuck in a hole for a few thousand years."

>"Well, looks like we've got some time 'till life evolves once again then. May as well start work plannin' that infrastructure. Mind if I ask a couple questions?"

"What?"

>"You know, we got some time to burn to build the next country up proper like. An' you're the eldest, so ah might want to try some ideas on y'all."

"FUCK. NO. I.. I.. I need to stop it? How? I.. That's.. That's it, crashing the sun into the planet. So long there's no earth, no Alicorn of earth. Hah.. Hah.. AHAHAHAHAHA"

>"Take that as a 'no'?"
_________________________________________________________________________________________

>Hey doc.

>Prince Armor! You're looking.... healthy. Really healthy, actually.

>Yeah.

>Great Celestia on high! The cancer, it's....it's gone!

>Yep.

>But how... Oh! I know! Your wife used the power of love to heal you, didn't she? My it's so amazing to see what magic fueled by love can-

>It was my sister, actually.

>...Oh?

>Yeah. She... she just took one look at me, seemingly instinctively knew what was wrong, and just.... she just PUNCHED the cancer right out of me. I literally saw the cancer be converted into light and fly out of me.

>W-well, it's... nice to see your family cares for you so?

>Right after, she looked me dead in the eye and said "Nothing is going to kill you, unless I say so" and then immediately snapped right back into the cheery, adorkable sister I've always know. Just hopped off like it wasn't even a thing.

>.....huh.

>My wife didn't even notice.

>Should... should I do something?

>No no. No.... no.... I'm just going to blame Celestia. That's in style, last I heard.