I think I have decided: I’d rather be an anesthetized, happy sheeple than a neurotic mess. These seem to be my only two options at this point. I used to be capable of quantum thought but this V2K torture has turned me into a binary thinking person. Binary thinking is miserable. Everything is either good or bad, right or wrong. I know the universe doesn’t really operate like this, or at least I used to. The voices keep telling me sometimes you have to push through depression to make it out the other side but this doesn’t bear out. I’ve been trying to push through depression my whole life. It never ends.

Also, the voices ask me to take these things on faith but they haven’t given me any solid evidence. Random little coincidences here and there (so-called synchronicities) aren’t proof. I bought it for months, doing their bidding, but I’m tired of it. If you want me to do something, you’re going to have to give me a good reason why—in person. Until then, I’m fucking done. I’ve had it. You make me miserable. The path to happiness isn’t paved in misery.

“Sometimes you have to do the wrong thing to do the right thing”—a favorite line of theirs—makes absolutely no sense. It is illogical. They try to use my kindness, my idealism, against me. I won’t let them turn me into some crazed, bitter conspiracy theorist. I know there is a conspiracy against many unsuspecting members of the public but knowing this does not seem to help anything. So I’m just not playing. I refuse. I prefer not to. I have to remind myself of this everyday. Just pretend they don’t exist as best as I can. Distraction is my only outlet. There’s nothing else I can do, they have too much power and they have sowed too much distrust for me to ask anyone for help. The people who offer help for this kind of thing are probably the very same people who perpetrated this to begin with. So how could I ever trust them, especially if they aren’t willing to come clean and admit any wrongdoing.

Disclosure is the only way forward but it seems to me, they are too cowardly to tell the truth.

I hope they realize, it is easier to ask for permission than forgiveness. And if you want forgiveness, you have to actually APOLOGIZE first. I want an apology for the truth and the lies.