Life is a fairytale. You get to a certain point in the story when you find the people you once believed were your friends are only disguised as witches and trolls and the dragon you always believed to be evil is there to grant your only wish and is true from the beginning of the story.
Each and every day a new baby is born as neither a hero nor a villain. Just over 17 years ago, I was born into this awful world. What has shaped me into the person I am today? What is it that shapes every child born into the person they become? Is it society or the choices we make? Do we actually learn from our mistakes better than we learn from others? You’d think after 17 years I’d have some sort of idea of why I am the person I am today. I can tell you now, I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m the person I always wanted to be, I don’t know if I’m where I’m meant to be, I don’t know if I will always be this way. However, I can give you some insight to my past, my present and my hopes for the future. I will lead you through the journey I’ve taken, the many mistakes I’ve made and the path I’m walking upon and maybe by the end of this, you will have a better idea of who I am and why.
Let’s be honest. When you reflect upon yourself and the person you are, what’s the first thing you think about? Let me guess… it’s everything bad that you’ve ever done, received or been part of. You bring out the beast in yourself, unleashing everything that brings you down as a person so you can finish with everything good, leaving on a positive note and hoping that by the end you’ve convinced the audience enough that you’re over all a good person, so they forget the beginning of the story. Well, just because I know you won’t forget the villainous me I’m going to start on the positive side, so maybe I can pretend for a little while that I’m some kind of a hero, maybe I can convince you just the same, but my heroic dreams are just as farfetched as wanting to fly.
Emerging to date is a stronger me. That’s how I’m going to start. I’m going to tell you that honestly I’m the strongest person I know. I don’t know how my hell compares to yours and I never will compare, but I’m telling you that I’m surprised I’m here today. Not once in my journey have I ever believed my life would end up like this. I don’t know yet whether that means I’m on the wrong or the right path, but for a while I’m just going to walk along it, until I do know. I have courage and strength to move forward through things I never thought possible. I’ve been in situations many don’t know how to handle. I have faith in everyone. I believe that everyone has a purpose in your life at some time, they’re there for a reason and as I’ve learnt, sometimes it turns out that your friends are really your enemies and your enemies are the ones that are there for you when you have no one and nowhere to go. As it is, the witches and trolls are always in disguise, yet the dragon always stays true to its original form.
Along with all the good things in life, there’s the downfall. Just this year, I found myself sitting at a bus stop about 15 minutes away from my home, the place I’d been in for the past five years and at that moment I couldn’t have told you how many times I’ve been there waiting for the bus alone at ten am. But this time was different, an evil troll approached from the depths of a bridge I’d crossed many times before, I didn’t take any notice of it at first as I was procrastinating almost hypnotised by the safe surrounding. Next thing I know a man walks up to the bus stop. My troll is disguised; he looks about thirty and African.
Once again my benefit of the doubt didn’t even leave me with a butterfly effect in my stomach. This man sat beside me for over ten minutes before he caught my attention. After some awkward conversation he came out with ‘’Do you need a lift somewhere?’’ and he moved closer to me. The thoughts in my head as I processed his words were almost like the riddle he spoke before he would let me safely cross the bridge, but I didn’t feel like he was giving me the option. It was a riddle that couldn’t be solved, a trap and I knew. Sometimes I feel like I have the worst luck, getting into bad situations and ending up as a victim. But I’ve never been the victim and somehow I’ve ended up with some of the best luck. I didn’t stay at my bridge for long, I returned to my village or in other words the shops across the street. The man’s riddle had only revealed his true form.  This situation, didn’t shape me into who I am today, it merely just scraped the surface of my reflection. The courage and the strength, as much as it’s something I do internally, it’s all on the outside. It’s what you see of the beast, the young and innocent girl but in my reflection I see a damaged and distraught evil I fight to keep hidden. I don’t believe in what you see and that’s a constant battle I have with myself. I said earlier, that I’m the strongest person I know but I don’t always believe it. I’m weak. Weaker than you could imagine, weaker than I ever imagined, and this is where I tell you all about the horrible person I am. I’m shattering my reflection and leaving you to judge my true self.
My secret, I’m going to share it with you. You may ask why when it’s supposed to be a secret, good question. Well many people already know my secret, my past; what I believe has made me who I am today. All that matters is what I think of me and honestly I don’t think anyone could do any worse than I can. I am my own dragon, my own enemy.
I used to know what I believed in. I knew what was right and wrong in life and what I stood for. Like Red Riding Hood I went about my life like everything was okay. I never believed anything could ever make me change my mind. But someone did. I thought he was the Wolf, trying to ruin me and take away everything I had and so I fell, to everything I was told to do and everything I didn’t believe in. I fell down and gave in to everyone but me. When I realised my mistake, I also realised I was the wolf. I stopped myself from leading the way. I chose someone else and their decision over my own and I’ve never regretted anything more.
From as little as six weeks of gestation the human heart has started to develop along with the lungs and all the other major organs. Let me ask you, would you call a heart beating a human life? It doesn’t matter the state the body is in or how long that heart has been beating, it’s there. It’s alive. Believing anything but life is like being under an ignorance spell by the wicked witch. About three months ago I found myself under a confusion spell and I felt like I was lost in a dark forest with no escape, a maze and everywhere I turned another wall appeared. Once again I saw the trap I was stumbling into and I didn’t want to be trapped so I stood in the middle of the maze hypnotised. I couldn’t hear myself and I wasn’t listening either.
Last holidays, I found out I was pregnant. Just over six weeks and I knew what I wanted, I just wasn’t sure if it was the right thing. My decision was my maze and every hope and dream I once had for the future was a wall in the way of my pathway out of there. There was one clear path and another that was small, dark, and dangerous and not at all where I wanted to go. The light at the end of the first path was partially hidden becoming smaller and smaller every time I was hypnotised by another spell. In front of the path I wanted to take stood many trolls.


I’d never been here before and these trolls were disguised as my friends. I wasn’t listening to myself, instead I was listening to their words and what they thought would be right for me. They didn’t stop me from starting my journey on that path but because of their words I hypnotised myself into taking what I now believe was the wrong path. Eight weeks. Eight weeks is all I was pregnant for. My child, my baby’s heart, was only beating for two. I became the wolf when I took away an innocent life and then gained its rough exterior with the ability to hate, and blame everything on someone else. It was my decision and I ignored my own feelings and gave into others.
Once I walked down the path and through the gate I changed. Like the kiss of death from the poisoned apple Snow White took a bite from, I was poisoned. I fell through a rabbit hole into the river of tears I’d cried over the month or two before hand. Like Alice, I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to be big or small, I didn’t know how I would fit through the door or where I would find the key. So I ran, I ran away from home and didn’t tell anyone where I was going. I hurt myself and my family in the process. I was lost in another maze, one I don’t think I’ve found the way out of yet but I broke free from my tower. Like Repunzel, I rode away from my tower on the back of my own horse, my regret still hanging over my shoulder and trailing behind me like her golden locks. I’ve learnt not to ignore my own feelings and not to hypnotise myself with spells from the witches and trolls. I’ve realised that as hard as it is to pick the dragons from the trolls, neither stay in your life for very long. It’s not about living a long life with the people that affect you the most; it’s just about the moment. The journey at that certain time of the story book is where the moment is lived. You may not be able to change your past but you don’t only star in the story, you’re the writer, the creator and you have the ultimate decision on your future.
As much as I wish I knew what my future held, I don’t have a single clue. There are no riddles or puzzle pieces that could help me unlock the knowledge of my future before it even begins. All I know is that I won’t be writing the same story over again. In two weeks these last few chapters will be finished and a new one will begin. These dragons and trolls will all move on to new heights and new bridges just as I will do so too. As I ride my horse of high hopes away with my backpack of past knowledge I carry with me two things from my last journey, the sword of strength and the shield of courage. In this current time if the story, I don’t know where the chapter will lead me because it’s only just beginning but I believe that I will find myself along the right path with what I’ve learnt and the traits I’m holding onto. The beast in me will no longer be as of the next full moon.