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Gangster Nerd: Wrong answer, man. Show him.

(Sega CD games show up rapidly as the Nerd feels like he's in a roller coaster reacting with every move.)

The Nerd: (Exclaiming)

The Nerd: (Sighs) Wow. It's like you get to play the games on a CD! Check out the graphics! Full motion video, opposed to video that isn't full motion! 64 simultaneous colors! 12.5 MHz processor! Holy shit! This thing is total FUCKING GAR-BITCH!! How would you like it if I could conduct the rest of the video like this? (Screen becomes smaller and the video choppier, like the Sega CD's "FMV.") "Full motion video", my ass! I'd rather be full fucking screen!

(Sega CD startup music starts playing)

The Nerd: So this is the Sega CD. It's a load of ass. You just pop it on the side of your Genesis, like some deformed Siamese twin or something. You ever see Basket Case? Well, whatever. So, you put your fucking game in, and, oh, guess what? It runs off its own power adaptor. Yeah, that's two. One for the Genesis and one for the Sega CD. If it can't run off the same power, why couldn't it be its own independent system? Instead, it's like a fucking parasite or something. Then, there's this problem: the load time. Load of shit! You could go dump your ass in the time it takes. So if you're going to play the Sega CD, grab a beer and be patient.

The Nerd: This is Night Trap. This here is the cult classic of the Sega CD. The premise is that you're watching all these security cameras in this house, and you have to trap these weirdos in black. Why the Hell are they wobbling all around? Can they possibly overact anymore? And the traps are ridiculous. And everything that happens in this house happens in real time, so you're constantly switching around, trying to find these guys. (barely catches a bad guy on another camera) Fuck! Just missed him. See? That's what happens. The only way to get good at this is to play it over and over. That's the only way to know where these guys are going to be. Yeah, get the tennis racket. Strangely, this is the most amusing part of the game. So, is this all you do? Just click around and try to catch these guys? Yes. Alright, this is what I'm talking about! I sometimes forget I'm playing a game. I think I'm watching a shitty horror movie. You got a scary guy in the shower, it's classic. Oh, she's in trouble! Uh-oh! (Screaming in background) You know what? I'm supposed to save her, but that spoils the fun. (Screaming stops, screen switches to Simms.)

The Nerd: The only memorable game off the top of my head is Sonic CD, which is debatably the best Sonic game ever made. It's definitely one of the most confusing ones, too. God. Oh, shit! I'm going to be sick. (The Nerd puts controller on top of TV)

The Nerd: Alright. The Sega CD, it was one of the first CD-based game systems of the time, so it was kinda fascinating when it came out. The problem was, it was too expensive, the technology was just too young; it just wasn't there yet, and, I don't know one person who had a Sega CD. And why's that? BECAUSE IT FUCKING SUC- (Slows down) 'CAUSE IT FUCK- 'CAUSE IT FUCK- 'CAUSE IT FUCKING SUCKS!!!

The Nerd: Think about it. In order to own a Sega CD, first you have to own a Genesis. And, if that wasn't enough, Sega made another Genesis attachment, the 32X. Yes, this ugly mushroom-shaped piece of shit was the last effort from Sega to keep the Genesis alive to compete with its nemesis. Tune in next time, and I'll tell you all about it.

~~

The Nerd gets chased by a Sega 32X in the title card for the episode.

The Nerd: The Sega CD had its place in history. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a piece of shit. But it had a certain appeal. The 32X is the real deal. It sucks. Oh, God, it sucks. You plop it on the top of the Genesis, like they're mating. God, I mean, do you think that's enough add-ons? It doesn't even look aesthetically presentable. I mean, it's just like an ugly tumor. I mean, did they really need all this bullshit leeching on the Genesis? That poor Genesis is just thinking: "Oh, please, God, take this shit off me." It's like getting gang-raped. Both of its slots are getting fucked at the same time.

~~~~

The Nerd: The Sega CD had its place in history. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a piece of shit. But it had a certain appeal. The 32X is the real deal. It sucks. Oh, God, it sucks. You plop it on the top of the Genesis, like they're mating. God, I mean, do you think that's enough add-ons? It doesn't even look aesthetically presentable. I mean, it's just like an ugly tumor. I mean, did they really need all this bullshit leeching on the Genesis? That poor Genesis is just thinking: "Oh, please, God, take this shit off me." It's like getting gang-raped. Both of its slots are getting fucked at the same time.
The Nerd: And picture this. If it was a Model 1 Genesis, it would have been even more of a spectacular mess. And there's metal prongs you have to insert into its... slot. And there's something wrong here. This whole thing is just a mountain of cockadookie. (mountain of cockadookie appears) So, what does the 32X do? Well, it's compatible with all your 16-bit Genesis games, but it also has its own library of 32-bit games.

The Nerd: Oh, you gotta love this - no end labels on the cartridges. May I ask why? Here's the Genesis games. You can read them. You can see what they are. If I'm trying to pick out a game, I can just visually scan my eyeballs across them without having to this. (taking out games one at a time) Oh, what's this? Oh, Virtua Fighter. What's this? Oh, Star Wars. What's this? Primal Rage. The same thing as Atari. Labeled, not labeled. Labeled, not labeled. Labeled, labeled.. and not labeled. Even Nintendo's guilty of the same thing. If you labeled the older games, why can't you do the same with the newer ones? Who came along and said "Okay, we're going to have better graphics, better games, and, oh, those end labels gotta go."? When did this idea of simple convenience become obsolete?

The Nerd: Now, about the 32X, hooking up this bastard is just insane. Believe it or not, like the Sega CD, it has its own fucking power adapter. That's great. I mean, now you got three. And trying to hook them all up at the same time is a friggin' nightmare. Let's look at the most minimum amount of effort it could possibly take. So, I'm plugging it into the TV, and now, I obviously can't plug in all three of these things. So, here's the most basic power strip you can get. Every big store sells these things. These are common. So, I plug in my fucking power strip or whatever. Here goes the Genesis, the Sega CD, and... bullshit. What a load of fucking bullshit. How did they fuck this up so bad? I can't even turn it the other way because it doesn't fit. Why can I only plug in two power adaptors? Why can't these go sideways? Or, better yet, why the Hell do they have these box things? Why can't it just be like this? (a simple plug) Even the Atari 5200 with its huge-ass box, it still ends with a normal plug. You know, that really pisses me off. I-I even have a camera, which I just bought this year, and it has a box like that. We live in the year 2007, and they can't figure out that shit like that takes up too much room?! These fucking things should be banned! Have these! (the plugs) Not these! (the boxes)

The Nerd: So, anyway, let's fire this monster up and play some Primal Rage.

(The Nerd inserts the game cartridge into the 32X. But when the game starts, nothing is visible on the title screen except the background.)

The Nerd: (sarcastically) Great title screen, huh? There isn't even any title at all. (cuts to the character select menu, where once again no characters are visible) What is this? Wh-wait a minute. Oh, please, God, tell me what's going on. Why can't I see the characters? I'm playing Invisible Primal Rage! Alright, let's try Virtua Fighter.

(cut to a fight in Virtua Fighter, only this time both the characters and arena are invisible!)

The Nerd: What the fuck?! Guess what? We left something out. There's another cable which connects the Genesis to the 32X. Isn't it enough that the damn thing is inserted on to the top of the Genesis? Why does it need another connector? Look at this. It's a fucking mess. And what a perfect visual analogy. Sega invented the 32X to increase the lifespan of the Genesis, and that's exactly what the friggin' thing looks like. It's on life support.

The Nerd: So there's Primal Rage, which to my recollection looks nowhere near as good as the arcade. In fact, I'm not even sure how much better it looks in the Genesis version. You got all the moves, the farting, the puking, the pissing, which I can't do, so if you want to try that out, be my guest. I mean, that's what I hate about this game: the moves, they're so awkward. Especially the fatality moves. I mean, just forget about them. It's always something like, "Hold these three buttons and then tap some weird combination on the control pad." I don't know why they make any moves that require you to hit Up, because, you know what happens? You jump. I'm sorry, but when I have to download a move list and remember all kinds of combinations of buttons, that just ruins the game for me.

The Nerd: Then you got Doom, which is one of my all-time favorites, but the music sounds like shit. (music plays) Compare it to the Super Nintendo version. (Comparisons between the Super Nintendo and Sega 32X versions begin, with the SNES version sounding better.) Also, the Super Nintendo version has more levels. The only thing it lacks are the graphics, they're horrible. On the 32X they’re better, but my point is, EVERYTHING SHOULD BE BETTER.

The Nerd: Now, you got Virtua Fighter. It was one of the first 3D fighting games, and it sure looks like it. I really hate how every time you jump it's like you're on the moon. God! The control sucks. And the characters act like they have problems. (Victory grunts from Wolf Hawkfield and Jacky Bryant, then the Nerd parodies Jeffry McWild's and Pai-Chan's.) (OOOOHHHH!!) (YEAH!!!)

(Nerd version) (YEEEEAAAAHHH!!!!) (WOOAAHH!!!!)

(Mixes them) (YE- YE- YE- YEEEEAAAHHH!!!!)

(Fast motion) (WO- WO- WO- WOOAAHH!!!!)

The Nerd: Now, we got Star Wars. Yeah, it's an arcade classic, but I don't know about this one. I mean, the graphics are... balls. Everything looks like a polygon and it's... putting me to sleep.

The Nerd: Like my Sega CD video, keep in mind I'm limited to how many games I can review. I'm aware that I'm leaving out popular ones such as Snatcher on the Sega CD and Knuckles Chaotix on the 32X. But remember, if I don't have the game, I can't review it. It doesn't matter anyway, because I wanted to focus on the console itself. The bottom line, the 32X sucked and it was one of the biggest failures of all time, and to celebrate their failure, or just for shits and giggles, they released a few CD-32X games, which required both the 32X and the Sega CD. So, if you happened to own this pile of vomit (Sega CD) and this piece of shit (Sega 32X), you can mix the two together.

The Nerd: So, you can clearly see the 32X was just not worth it, and gamers were too smart to be suckered in because they know this piece of junk would be abandoned shortly because the Sega Saturn was on its way. Hell, it was already out in Japan, so nobody gave two fucks about this beast. It cost about $150 when it first came out, (green words "150 BUCKS?!") and the only people who bought it, they had mechanical problems. (green word "MALFUNCTIONS?!") So, on top of that, there were rumors that it could damage your Genesis games, (green words "FUCKS UP GAMES?!") and I don't even know if that was true or not.

The Nerd: The Sega Saturn was released in the U.S. about 6 months later. Only about 40 games (green words "NOT MANY GAMES?!") or maybe less came out for the 32X before it bit the dust! I mean, what kind of marketing was that?! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?! And on top of that, Sega had yet another console planned in between called the Neptune, which was scrapped pretty quickly. All it was going to be was a stand-alone 32X, anyway. WHICH IS WHAT IT SHOULD HAVE FUCKING BEEN IN THE FIRST PLACE!

The Nerd: So, not only was the Saturn on the way, but so was the PlayStation and the Nintendo 64. Gamers knew it was a better idea to just wait, and stores were selling the 32X for about $20. (green words "20 BUCKS?!") I got mine at a flea market for $2.50. (green number "$2.50") I'M DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS.

The Nerd: Now, excuse me, I gotta send this fucking shit back to the fires of Hell. ("Super C" Level 1 music plays while the Sega 32X is on a container with a flaming cord in it, sitting on a milk crate. The Nerd shoots an arrow at the Sega 32X, which triggers the fluid in container to catch fire and inundate the 32X with fire, melting it and the milk crate.)

See also
Transcript of AVGN episode Sega CD