Thread 50: Stories 61-75

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 50AU
>18
"Past 18"
~~~

"Is it just me, or are you really skinny?"

>Oh, that. Uh, remember that one trick we know? The one with the crazy love burn?

"The... the one that eats up, like, fifty times the love for three times the speed? Yeah, it's horribly inefficient, completely unsustainable, highly dangerous and something only a total moron would possibly use. It's not worth it, in short."

>...

"No."

>Slight correction... totally... totally worth it...

"See, this shit is why you don't get connected to your targets!"

>Yeah, you know who said that? Chrysalis. Know who's fucking wrong? Chrysalis. About everything. Because she is dumb.

"..."

>Are... does that bother you?

"Well, I mean, yeah. A little. She didn't have to let us in with the hive thing, I'm pretty sure she's at least suspicious of the fact we're girls. She's not THAT bad. The wedding invasion was a pretty good plan, overall. She's not the worst Queen ever, is all."

>...Sometimes, I wish I could be you again. Other times I'm happy I never have to be again.

"Fuck you."

>Thaaat's more like it.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 'Chrysalis'
[Past Chrysalis]
~~~

'DON'T FUCKING CALL ME DUMB!'

>I STAND BY IT!

[Yeah... YOU! I will totally go all dictator on your ass!]

"You? You know who we are."

[Of course I do...]

>..
".."
'..'

[...You.]

>I'm the one who likes fires.

[AH HAH! I HAVE YOU NOW!]

'No she isn't.'

[DECEPTION!]

"Starting to see what you were talking about."

[I WILL FUCK YOU UP WITH LASERS!... YOU!]

'Sneaky Applejack.'

[...Who?]

'I don't know either, but she's important sometimes for some reason.'

>EAT A DICK!

"No, seriously, why isn't she shooting you?"

[Yeah!]

'Why would I do that? Jeez, you fuckers take everything so serious.'

"..."

>She never gets any better... NEVER...
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >AJ12
“PastAJ12”
_______

>YOU DON’T KNOW ME!

“I.. but… I do? You’re me, after all, or what I beco-”

>YOU AINT SHIT! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I’VE DONE OR WHAT I’VE BEEN THROUGH TO GET TO WHERE I AM NOW! YOU THINK YOU’RE TOUGH? BITCH YOU AIN’T WORTH THE DIRT OUTSIDE!

“Wow. Harsh.”

>YOU THINK YOU’RE BUG ENOUGH TO BECOME ME? GET YOUR WEAK SHIT OUTTA HERE, YOU COULDN’T FILL MY HOOVES EVEN IF YOU WERE CHITANIA!

“Wait, what? Chitani- the actual Titan?”

>SHUT UP! I CAN SMELL THE BITCH IN YOU FROM HERE! YOU AIN’T READY TO STEP UP YET, YOU AIN’T READY TO JUMP FROM JOB AFTER JOB AND GET TURNED DOWN OVER FIVE HUNDRED TIMES, YOU AIN’T READY TO BE LIT ON FIRE, TOSSED OUT OF WINDOWS, STABBED IN THE SIDE, LAUGHED OUT OF AN OFFICE- YOU AIN’T READY FOR THAT!

“…This is not the joyous meeting I envisioned another me from a different time would bring.”

>GOOD! BECAUSE THE FUTURE DON’T BRING SMILES AND SHIT, IT BRINGS PAIN! AND KNIVES EMBEDDED IN OUR CHITIN!

“I’m scared….”

>Well hey, don’t be. You’re going to meet a really out there mare and she’s going to have hooves to die for. Literally.

“…Which part of that is literal? The sexy hooves part, or the dying for it part?”

>…

“I’m going to need an answer here, me. I need to know if I should get excited or not. …Me? Me, you’re not talking, hello?”
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 50AU

>Big Mac
"Past Big Mac"

>...

"..."

>...

"..."

>We don't git to do that much

"Eyuup"

>We don't even see Applejack that often

"...Eyuup"

>...

"..."

>Kinda sucks somethin' rotten

"Eyuup"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 50AU
>10
"Past 10"
~~~

"GAAASPPPPP! ME!"

>Hiya, me!

"Oh my gosh this is awesome!"

>I know!

"Can I interview me, please!? You'll be the first one who doesn't try to set me on fire!"

>...Oh, wow, my uh... 'old camera', been a while since I saw that.

"I know, it's great, isn't it?"

>I don't know how to tell you this, but it's a cereal box on a stick.

"You think it needs more filmy stuff?"

>...

"HOLY MOLEY! YOURS IS AWESOME!"

>Oh, yeah! It's... special.

"It's got buttons and everything!"

>Yep, cool cool!

"So... so this works? This was a good idea?"

>Me? This was the best idea you ever had.

"EEEE! ... s-so... are we good reporters in the future?"

>...

"Me?"

>There's some parts... but you know what?

"..."

>...This is the best job in the world.

"EEEE!"

>EEE yeah!

"Now... I want to interview you!"

>Nu-uh, I'm older, I get to interview you first!

"But you know what I know!"

>So do you!

"Not all of it!"

>ME FIRST!

"NU-UH ME FIRST!"

>NNNGGGHHHH!
"NNGGGHHHHH!"

>"NNNGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 50AU
>PastJet
“PastCelestia”
‘Celestia’
-???-
_________

Past Jet ascended to the second, third--fuck if he could remember--floor, grinning rather smugly.

>Ha. Seems future me still gets faint at the thought of naked m-mmmmuh-mares… Anyway, where’s the office of apple horse? I have got to shake her hoof for fixing all this shi-

‘Jetset? Off in quite the hurry, aren’t we? Don’t tell me you met your past se-… oh. Fuuuuck me.’

>Not even with a rented dick, Dumblestia.

‘I’d almost forgotten that endearing nickname, just like I’d forgotten you. It’s all coming back to me now, along with a searing headache.’

>If just remembering stuff gives you a headache I’d hate to see you actually doing paperwork. You might bust a synapse.

‘If I weren’t so sure I’d lose the current Jetset, you’d be a smolder on the ground, dear.’

>Hey, fire away. Gotta be better than serving you.

‘I-’

“Jetset! You insolent little... if you don’t shut that stupid hole in your face I’ll fill it with magma so hot that every pony in your family feels the burn!”

>Oh. See, I was wondering why the juvenile sting to those insults were missing.

He regarded the first Celestia with an appraising stare, completely ignoring the second Celestia that came around the corner, her face a tight rictus of annoyance.

>You must be future Dumblestia.

‘I’m the future of your swift asskicking, little one.’

>Ha, points for that one. But now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m looking for Applejack, have either of you clucks seen her?

“Celestia, I’m so sorry about him. He’s, well, you know… at that stage.”

‘That much is clear, the stage where everyday I didn’t choke him out was a star on my chart.’

>Only you would need a foals method of reward to keep yourself happy.

‘That coming from the stallion who still gets a ruler over the hoof for backtalking.’

>…

‘Now care to tell me where your better is?’

>About two floors down with a nosebleed.

“Whuh? Two floors down with a noseble--WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOURSELF?”

>As if I could defeat my future self. He knows more than I do, he’d mop the floor with me. I used other… methods.

‘Taking advantage of your own weakness to defeat yourself. Well. You did have your moments back then, I’ll admit. When you weren’t being an ass.’

>Hey, if you’re looking for a slaphappy drone, hit up Shining Armor. Oh, that’s right, you did, and he fucked up the guard.

“JETSET! Celestia, please don’t burn him to a cinder, I apologize for his-”

The apology fell away as the present Celestia adopted a nuturing smile, slowly approaching her crass future super agent. He stared up at her defiantly, hooves close-guarded, ready for anything.

…Except for when she brought the warmth of her lips to his cheek.

The effect was instantaneous. Past Jet’s face blew out in a sea of bright red, his tail kinked up as though electrocuted and less than a blink later he was on the ground, half-conscious.

‘Simply adorable.’

“Mother be praised, he's finally quiet.”

Another figure approached the princesses, joining them in staring down at the twitching stallion.

-Um… do Ah wanna know why this here fella’s lyin’ on the ground? An' droolin’?-

‘Oh, him? Just a youngling, PastJack. A youngling who’s all bark and no bite.’

-…’Kay.-
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 NC
>77
"2"

>What do we say to the god of death?

"Don't touch my marchmalleys."

>...close enough.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 50AU
>SA
"Past SA"
~~~~

"This is some bullshit, you know?"

>Still hung up on the wings thing?

"VERY MUCH SO! Like, come on! Didn't we earn it by this point!?"

>I guess not.

"Our sister finished a spell on friendship and our wife defeated a necklace, A NECKLACE, by loving at it! How are we not on par with that!?"

>To be fair, the other girls saved the world, like, three times already, and only half of them are alicorns.

"..."

>Uh, probably... probably shouldn't have brought that up.

"BULLSHIT I SAY!"

>Look, it's not as important as you think.

"AND A DOUBLE BULLSHIT TO YOU TOO, SIR! Nobody gives a shit about us because we're JUST unicorn princes! We're on the level of Blueblood, FUCKING BLUEBLOOD!"

>Oooooo~, that one's gonna sting later.

"BULLSHIT I SAY!"

>Well, I mean, there's really nothing you can do about it-

"SHENANIGANS!"

>Please stop.

"SHE-NAN-I-GANS!"

>...I'm starting to see why Celestia was annoyed at me.

"BULLLLLSSHHIIIIIIIIITTTTT!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 50AU
>77
"Past 77"
~~~

"So, we're dating?"

>Oh yes, and she is an absolutely wonderful mare. You are in for quite a lot of happiness.

"Oh, good. And she's sane, right? I think I really need some sanity right now."

>...

"...Right?"

>....

"...One to ten?"

>Negative three.

"Damn."

>...Unless we're talking about her looks, in which case DAYUM! Ten out of ten!

"...Y-yaaaay?"

>Yay indeed.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >Cutie Mark Crusaders
"Past Cutie Mark Crusaders"
~~~

"STILL NO CUTIE MARKS!? THIS IS A LOAD OF CRAP!"

>...Yep, pretty much where we're at too...

"So, do we ever do something important or matter in the big picture?"

>...

"Figured."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 50AU
>56
"Past 56"
~~

>...

"Business as usual?"

>So many plots, man... so many plots...

"Kickass."

>And hey, Not-mom is pretty cool too!

"Why do we call her not-mom?"

>Because she's not mom, duh! It's like how we call 29 cuz cause he's our cousin.

"...Is he?"

>Yeah, I mean, probably.

"Probably?"

>It's better than not.

"I guess. So, lotta plots?"

>SO many plots. Moons is our favorite.

"Stuff gonna get better with that pink filly in school? She got real mad at us yesterday, seems like she'll be a problem."

>...

"...What?"

>Nah, you'll be fine.

"Oh. PHEW!"

>...

"Tell me more about moons."

>Okay, so, imagine a cloud made out of happy...
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 50AU
>Cadence
"Past Cadence"
~

"...You're shaking."

>I am trying really, REALLY hard not to cause a time paradox by warning you of stuff.

"Oh no! What do you want me not to do!?"

>...ehhhhhhnnnggghhhh!

"TELL ME!"

>I might have to mind zap you at the end, and I'm no good at that!

"But so much can be avoided!"

>I know, but most of the crap I want you to avoid is beneficial to someone else!

"Like?"

>Like the certain someone who does all our paperwork and makes it so our Empire runs way way better than it ever did and she never asked for anythingbutthenshegotreallydepressedandalmostdiedandit'sallyourfaultandthenyousaidShinycouldmarryherandnowyou'relivinginconstantfearbecauseOHGODWHYYYYYYY!!!?????

"...What?"

>EXACTLY!

"No, really, I didn't understand most of that-"

>Look! Lip gloss!

*CHUCK!*

"GIMME!"

*runs off*

>Haha! I knew she was dumb enough to... aw, I made myself sad...
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 50AU
>42
"Past 42"
~~

"So, we're pretty good at fighting."

>Duh.

"I mean, better."

>Oh, yeah. Fighting with the A-team has really honed our skills.

"Fantastic, so there is none stronger than us, save the Queen?"

>...Save the Queen'S.

"What!? There's more than one? Who's the other?"

>Chitania.

"...who?"

>Apparently she was huge back in the day.

"..."

>...That was a funny.

"What's the context?"

>She can grow supersized.

"Oh...heh."

>A polite chuckle? My skills are improving!

"Could we take her if she wasn't huge?"

>Lord no.

"Awww."

>...We can beat up Shining Armor, though.

"That is not an accomplishment. He is flabbier than a wet cod."

>Ah, no. He's actually grown quite hard.

"Oh?"

>Oh yes. Due to our work, he is now solid enough to really give us a workout. Backed with it is quite the stamina, allowing the both of us to continue on long past when it would be viable normally.

"You don't say."

>I do say! His performance at the start was sloppy, it's true, but sense then the only sloppy thing is the fluids we leave on the ground after we're done going at it.

"...G-go on."

>Oh, it gets even better. Sometimes he fuels us up too much with love, so we just have to go at it until we burn off all of that love from our insides, and he is very receptive! Letting us hammer away for hours until we're manageable again. He's quite impressive now.

"..."

>Cadence asked if she could join, but we were worried and-

*NOSEBLEEDROCKET!*

>HOLY SHIT!... Is THAT what I look like!? Why didn't anyone tell me! Ohhh, I've been making an idiot of myself!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 50AU
>Past Shiny
"42"
~~

>So... you live with me? And I'm okay with this? It seems like I wouldn't be okay with this.

"..."

>I mean, you're super loyal to Chrysalis. Chrysalis, who ruined my wedding, pretended to by my wife, and drained me in a full range of uncomfortable ways. And you live in my house. My house. Where you could attack me. You.

"..."

>Did you concuss me? Is that it? I have brain damage and everyone is just being polite? WHAT THE FUCK!?

"..."

>Say something! Come on, I- OW!

"You're so squishy!"

>OWOWOW STOP POKING ME OW!

"I am amused by this, and I do not care who sees!"

>OWOWOWOWOWOW
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >Luna
“Old Luna”
’???’
________

>We suppose ’twas only a drop in time before we ourself from a time not so long ago.

“YAY VERILY! AND HOW IS THINESE- OURSELF? HOW IS OURSELF? DOTH THE FUTURE PROVIDE US WITH RICH SPOILS?”

>…Ah yes, the time of Royal Speaking and collapsed eardrums. Oddly, we miss that.

“WHAT WAS THAT?”

>We said the spoils are rich in flavor and overpowering to the senses. ’Tis more or less a bountiful future ahead of us… you. For you.

“EXQUISITE WE SAY! MOST EXQUISITE! AND PRAY TELL, WHO BE THE BLACK WHELP CLINGING TO YOUR BACKSIDE AS A FOAL DOES TO CANDY?”

‘Hey, past Moons!’

“Salutations, little one. If we can inquire a glint of information, what pleasure doth thou retain from hugging our backside?”

>…Just like that? Really? Back to normal speaking tones that easily?

“We do not wish to hurt the young ones ears, futureself! Have some common courtesy about you!”

>…Of course, because 56 has clearly not been standing behind us this whole time. Yes, we apologize for being so careless.

‘I dunno why I love your moons, past Moons, but I do! They’re just so soft and squishy, but really firm too! Watch this!’

*smack!*

>NGH!

“…”

‘Did’ja see that jiggle there? Like the finest of jell-o, am I right? Course I am! And that ain’t no stupid enhancements either, that’s all natural and all mine! Now, if you’ll excuse me…’

Promptly, and without delay, 56 collapsed against Luna’s rear, seemingly drifting off before he even made contact.

“This one here… it really seems to enjoy the time spent with our derriere. Is it... touched in the cranial area?”

>He, please. And no, he’s of a… special kind. There exists no love of the sensual sort for our rear-end, he’s just enamored by it. To him, nuzzling a rear merely releases a myriad of sensations… with genuine lust being surprisingly absent.

“…”

>Annnnnnd… sometimes it does feel nice, we admit. The positive attention to such a huge disappointment is rather nice, as well.

“…WE ARE SCARED FOR OUR FUTURE!”

>And now we’re scared that our hearing is forever lost.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________