Thread 3: Stories 61-75

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>Applejack
"Assassins"
'Spike'
~~~~~~~~~
Applejack's room window breaks revealing a dozen, deadly assassins!

'Run! i'll handle these guy-!"

Spike is quickly knocked aside from their view to see the princess herself.

>No one tosses mah friends aside like that!

But before she can attack, the assassins go wide eyed and bow.

"Princess Apparujaku! Forgivaness priease! We thought this was Princess Cerestia's room!"

>Wait, why'd ya wanna assassinate her?

"So you may be praced as tha rightfur rurer of Equestria!"

>...

One sound asskicking later...

'Wow, did you have to be so brutal on them?'

>Ah ain' takin' 'Tia's blame.

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>Applejack
“Twilight”
‘Applejack56’
~~~~~~~~

*the castle library is filled with the sounds of clopping footsteps as shelves are browsed*

“You know this is taking valuable spending time away from Shiny and I, right Applejack?”

>He needs a bit of a breather from bein’ under yer’ wing anyhow.

“My BBBFF never needs a breather! He can keep going all day and all night!”

>Ah’m sure y’all meant that genially but it still came out pretty darned creepy, Twi’. At any rate, thanks fer’ lendin’ AJ56 here some more studyin’ tools. Whatta say to Twi’, sugarcube?

‘You’ve got a pretty nice rump.’

>…

“Why, thank you, AJ56, it’s really my pleasure to- hold on, what’d he say?”

‘Up close like this, I can see it’s really, really bouncy. Must be from all that sitting around and snack-eating, huh?’

“H-hey! Where do you think you’re touching me? That’s- oooooooh… th-that’s not something to play with! Applejack, help!”

>Well now this is fascinatin’. The 2014 Farmer’s Almanac. Ah reckon Ah might pick this up fer mahself.

‘Wow! My hooves sink right in it’s so soft! Mmmm, kinda tastes like vanilla, too!’

“A-Ahahahapplejack, what is he d-doing to me?”

*Applejack casually turns a page of her book*

>Jus’ a habit of his, Ah guess...but goin’ face-down and plot-up like that really isn’t gonna get him to stop, Twi’.

“I can't help it, it f-feels kinda- Ah! Get your face out of there! M-my behind is not a pillow!”

‘Might as well be!’

>Well, while y’all two do… whatever that is that yer’ doin’, Ah’m gonna head back to mah room and catch up on some readin’. AJ56, when yer’ done, bring yer’ books and Ah’ll help y’all sort ‘em.

‘Okay, Princess Apple!’

“Noooo, d-don’t leave me alone with him!”

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Their plan had been perfect.
Armed with over-sharpened spears, they had hijacked an airship at the dock, waving their weapons haphazardly above their heads - the passengers agreeing to their every demand out of sheer terror. Whether this was because they were actually terrifying, or whether it was how close the spears had come to puncturing the ballon was hard to tell - but they now had their tool of destruction.

From their aeriel advantage, they would rain devastation and fear upon the citizens in the name of the most-powerful Celestia (praise be her name).

With the might of the wind on their side, they made a valiant charge against the highest tower. They would be made martyrs for their cause. As the distance between them and the keep closed, they let out one final cry of "Celestia akbar!"
*boooiiing*

The airship nudged gently against the outer wall, in much the same way a water balloon bounces off the ground, but in much slower motion. Or like putting your hoof in a bucket of jelly, and wondering why it wobbles so - or wondering why it crossed your mind to put your hoof in a bucket of jelly in the first place.


Undeterred by this minor setback, Al-kalim* reversed their mighty vessel and proceded to ram the keep once again.

And again.

And again.

The tower didn't move.

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As the sun (praise be to it) arced higher into the sky, and day wore on - their determination grew slightly less determined.
They had not been prepared to encounter this much resistance, nor had they remembered to pack any lunch.
"Surely," they reasoned, "there must be some unholy enchantment upon these stones, for they spit on the name of the one we fight for and will not crumble and kneel before her!"

Midday turned slowly into afternoon, but they would not have their crusade see defeat!
It was perhaps odd, that there had not been any counter-attack from the city guard - Sal-omar* knew they must be quaking in fear at the sight of such a ferocious enemy, and could not fight because of their cowardice.

Then they beheld a most unholy sight! A legion of demon-insect-ponies swarmed out from the tower, besieging their mighty vessel, disappearing out of sight above them. Who knew what atrocities they had planned! They could only have been summoned by one as powerful as the Nightmare Queen!

They would be true heroes for their people, to die in battle against a horde of demon-insects - for the glory of the sun!

But the sun was not on their side - giving them the terrible afliction: Sun Stroke.
Illusions began to appear before their eyes, visions of strange apple-princesses tempting them with crystal waters in gold chalices. Her words were whispers of the finest honey - like a siren song.
>Y'all sure ya don't wanna take a break for a while?

However, as the sun set, they could hold back their exhaustion no longer.
Images of divine victory, and bountiful rewards from Celestia herself (praise be her name) taunted their dreams.
Their crusade would begin again at dawn.
>This is probably your fault, you know.
"I don't even care anymore. It can wait until tomorrow."

Al-kalim: Warrior of the Seven Sands and Designer of Small Wooden Novelties
Sal-omar: Keeper of the Sun's Sacred Ring and Merchant of Colored Rugs

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As the sun rose, signalling a new day, At-tamaz (Holy Scribe of the Shining Path) initiated their morning prayers. Following the Mooslim traditions, Sal-omar had thoughtfully brought prayer rugs, and they knelt facing the sun (oh most holy) repeating prayers of thanks, and asking for divine blessing and success for their crusade.

Once again, the engines on the airship roared to life, in much the same way a small leopard might - with the mechanical power of a dozen horses!

Day 2 of the Siege of the Most Unholy Tower had begun.

*bump*


With a renewed vigour, they began singing battle prayers, with a volume that shook the very windows of the castle (or at least, Al-kalim hoped it did) that it would instill a great fear among the nobles and the guard. Still, they had not received a terms of surrender - but no pony could outlast the might of the Shining Glory of Celestia (praise be to her) - they would yield before the sun had set today.

Their songs only seemed to awaken the demon-insects, who returned in full force to besieging their mighty vessel. From the deck, Sal-omar could hear a most unusual sound emitted from the balloon.
*boing boing bo-boing*

This unyielding, chaotic rhythm was unlike anything he had ever heard.
"With that unholy sound they are making, they must be summoning a Greater Demon! Only a creature of the Underworld could make so much noise!"

> 31 get down from there! I don't care how high you can bounce!

Even with a legion of demon-insects on their back, the tower would still not crumble.

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-Hey Twilight! I got those books you wanted from the star..swirl...section...-

"Spiii~ke dont juAaaah just stand theRE! Help meeeee~"

-...-

-I see that you're busy! I'll just put these books on the table here and see if Princess Celestia will let me play that Russian rouleppe game she keeps talking about. Have fun Twilight, AJ56.-

"Sp-piiiiiiiiii~ke!"

'Sooooo soft'

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>"Consarn it! Where do all these funds keep funneling off to!?"

"Im not sure Applejack, do you think it might be the cake budget?"

>"Nah Spike, Ah've triple checked it and rooted around through Tia's secret stashes as well, I just cant..."

"Uh...Applejack?"

>"Rarity."

"Say what now?"

>"C'mon Spike!"

"O-okay!"

Entering the wing of the castle that has turned from a regal royal affair into a night club where smoke, laser and the smell of pasteries waft through the air the duo find amongst the part revlers and Clothes Dancers. A giant marshmellow.

"Applejack, why are we..."

>"Enoughs enough Rarity!"

*WHAM!*

"Wait WHAT?!"

With a gurgling moan the giant marshmellow turns on its side to reveal a alicorn Rarity!

'BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP!'

The excess gas sweeps Applejacks mane and Spikes spines backwards from the force her belch.

'Oh forgive me darlings, must have been the Sunday surprise with the gold encrusted nuggets...was there something you need dear?'

"Wh-what, R-Rarity?"

The sound a pane of glass can be heard tinkeling in the background.

>"Ya'll need to stop this extravagance right now!"

'But Daaaaarling, my friends and I were going to show off the latest fashion designs cut from pure gem stones!'

>"G-gemstone dresses, as in clothes made ENTIRELY OF GEMS!??!"

'Why of course Darling, only the best for the nobles of Canterlot when they go out in our name for maintaining th-Spikey Wikey!'

The poor dragonling is suddnely lifted up in a cerulean aura as he is sucked up into the maws of oblivion. Face burried in the folds of the marshmellow Spike can only murmer "This is true marshmellow hell...."


'Oh Spikey Wikey its been too long, come come and enjoy yourself, Applejack you don't mind if I take Spike for a while do you?"

>"Bwhua?! No! You cant take my assistant!"

A green aura wraps around Spike as the blue grabs back at the other half of the dragon.

'But Darrrrling I want to show Spike what I've done with the place!'

>"Aw hay no yer not! You'll make him as incompetent as the rest of the castle staff and where would Ah be then?!"

*Tug*

'Honestly you need to relax darling.'

*tug*

>"And ya'll need to learn some dicipline!"

*Tug*

'Dicipline? Moi? I will have you know I am the eptimome of Decipline. Now let him go!'

*Tug*

>"Make me!"

*tug*

"Do I get a say in this?"

>"No!"
'No!'

With a growl Applejack furrows her brow as she gallops up and spins around before giving a alicorn empowered kick to the white moons sending the surprised Rarity off her platform and through the roof!

With a few planks of wood falling down around her Applejack holds a hoof to sheild her eyes from the sun.

>"Woowhew think Ah broke muh ol' record with that one!"

"Applejack..."

>"Ya Sugarcube?"

"You scare me at times..."

>"All in a days work sugarcube."

"Celestia's gonna blame you for this."

>"If it makes Rarity lose some pounds then thats something I'll be proud to have be my fault."

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Stalwart and fearless did they press on, in the name of the Sun (blessed be her golden countenance), but the tower of iniquity remained unmoved.

At-tamaz was first to cry out in despair and turn from their holy mission, as noon passed over their continued assault for the second time.

He collapsed in the shade of the aft cabin, staring listlessly up at the mocking beetle-devils, cavorting about on top of the balloon.

His brethren carried on with righteous fury, until suddenly a great darkness fell upon them. Struck with a sudden terror, they looked to the sky, and saw a great white globe obscuring the holy Sun (all praise and glory to it).

As one they cried out in great dismay, and Al-kalim pointed and said, "Look, the vile Enemy has sent the Moon to blot out Celestia's light!"

But At-tamaz saw the alabaster, screaming orb hurtling toward them, and retorted:

"That is no moon ..."

(*At-tamaz: Scribe of the Shining Path and Apprentice Curler of Boot Toes)

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>Diamond Tiara
"Applejack 56"
'Cheerliee
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>Shut it.

"I'm just saying, it's not going to work.

>Shut it!

"It's going to blow up."

>That's the point!

"...Wait, wha-"

*BOOM!*

"OW! Miss Flowerplot, Flatflank is trying to kill me again!

'Don't kill your chemistry partner, Diamond Tiara.'

>Mental note, explosions rating at forty pounds per square inch is also ineffective.

"Yeah, when we Changelings get a steady intake of love, we're pretty tough. I knew Lulu secretly dug me!"

>...Right. Let's see how well acid does.

*SPLASH!*

"Don't even feel it."

>Mental note, chitin like skin is resistant to sulfuric acid... floors are not. Moving on to a more oil based concoction.

'....No, demon who lives in my coffee, of course I'm not going to stop her. Have you seen her these last few weeks? If she keeps this up, she's accidentally going to stumble onto the cure for bucking cancer.'

......

'No, this was not brain-spider's idea. Why do you two never get along? Brain-spider is nice.'

*BOOOOOM!*

>Mental note, acid explosions are also ineffective.

"That one tickled!"

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>Cadence
"Applejack"
'Applejack 2'
(Shining Armor)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>...You know what? Today seems like it's going to be a good day.

As if to challenge her pathetic worldview and all who share it, the large double doors leading to her throne room suddenly erupted off the hinges, shattering into a million tiny crystal pieces. Standing on the other side, Applejack looked... unhappy.

"CADENCE!"

>O-oh, Applejack, whatever brings you here?

Instead of responding, she simply holds up a piece of paper.

>....I ordered them not to let you see that! I made that really, really clear! How did you find out!?

"Applejack eighteen tried ta' infiltrate yer' kingdom again, and while she was posin' as you she caught wind of this little number. She was laughing her flank off back at the castle. Ah'm less than happy about it, personally."

>N-now I know this looks bad-

"Because it is. This is the worst, Cadence. Ah' am goin' ta' hurt you fer' this one."

>It wasn't that much money!

"FROM YER' HOSPITAL'S BUDGET!"

>Well, it made me feel better, shouldn't that count-

Instead of the tell-tale pop she was expecting, instead she heard what sounded like a fire-cracker going off.

>....It's just, that creme was really expensive. But it worked, see? I look fantastic!

"......."

>.......Those crystals are floating. Are... are you doing that? Can you make stuff float with anger?

"Cadence!"

>Don't throw me again! I landed in a garbage can last time, and I JUST finished applying this stuff. It takes six hours, Applejack! SIX HOURS!

"Oh no, Ah'm gonna do somethin' much, much worse."

>Uh-uh-APPLEJACK 2! Oh thank goodness! Sweetie, I need you to come over here right now please!

The orange princess barely has any time to register what she just said before the bubbly Changeling rushes right past her and right in front of Cadence. Said Changeling can barely contain her excitement.

'You talked to me! And you're not mad or anything! You even called me sweetie! I mean, that's not my name, but I appreciate the thought!'

>Y-yes, of course. Now, I just need you to stay right there.

'... Stay here? Like, this spot? Why- hey!'

A pink glow hefts the Changeling into the air, right into the line of sight between Cadence and the now very unhappy Applejack.

>Ah hah! Do your worst! This thing is indestructible! I've seen her tank explosions, collapsing ceilings, even poisons! You'll never get past her!

'...Wait, when did someone try to poison me-"

>DO YOUR WORST!

".....M'kay."

Seemingly from nowhere, Applejack produces a small, round object. Although Cadence can't make it out, Applejack 2 has no such problems.

'JINGLE BALL!'

The orange princess chucks it behind her, and just like that the small Changeling breaks through the restraining magic and is off after it.

>WAIT, COME BACK!

'Jingle ball~ Jingle ball~ squeaking when I biiite it~! Jingle ball~ Jingle ball~ there's no sense to fiiiight it~!'

>.....APPLEJACK NO-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Later~~~~~~~~~~~

>This is crueeeel!

"Shut it and keep working."

The door creaks open, and an exhausted looking Shining Armor stumbles into the room. He blinks to himself for a second, rubbing his dark and bag filled eyes.

>Yer' wife's handlin' the tax reforms fer' today, go back ta' bed.

(....Man, these dreams just get weirder and weirder.)

With that, he turns around, and then promptly collapses onto the carpet outside the room.

".....He'll be fine."

>I want a breeeeeak!

Applejack's only answer is a swift smack to the back of her head.

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>Applejack 56
"Diamond Tiara"
'Cheerilee
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>T-this isn't funny anymore, Flatflank!

"Oh, it's funny."

>G-g-get it away! Stop it!

"Oh, don't you like my little creation? But I made it just for you!"

>HISSSSSS~!

"I'm hurt, you look so unappreciative."

>Alright, I'm sorry I said you had a... MISS CHEERILEE HELP!

'Oh, what are you doing now.... what the hell is that?'

>Oh, this? New invention. Just made it. I call it a 'insect-like animal current conductor for the express purposes of extermination!'

'.....'

>I may have to work on that name.

'How... how is this working?'

>It's simple! The buzzing is a charged current going through this wire. It glows blue to attract bugs. When they go into it, ZAP!

"Get it awaaaay!"

'I am calling your parents.'

>HAH! Go ahead! What do you think my daddy is really going to say? 'Oh no, my daughter who is the most precious thing in the whole world, you totally should leave that bug monster alone.' I'll never stop, and you can't do a thing about it! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

"I SAID GET AWAY!"

*Loud, continuous electrocution noises.*

"........"

'........'

>....*Kaff* Mental note.... project IACCEPE.... has a fatal flaw..... coffee is apparently it's one weakness.....

*THUMP!*

"Is she dead?"

'Lord, I hope so. You know how often an opportunity to be rid of one of those annoying little shits comes along, and not have me be liable for it? Mostly I have to fantasize about Snails accidentally burning the school to the ground.'

>Call my dad, please. I can't feel my everything.

'Damn.'

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>Applejack 56
"Celestia"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

>Princess sun-splosion! I got a quick question for you.

"Are all Changelings as socially inept as you, or are you just special."

>Hah! I like to make up funny words too. Anyway, was just wondering about Ponyville.

"Well, I don't live there, so I don't know what you want me to say-"

>And why the heck is it so dumb?

"....Oh no, not you too."

>See, turns out there is a library in there!- Library is a place where they keep books by the way- and it nobody knew that! Actually, someone said I probably shouldn't go in there without Twilight's permission."

"She does live there."

>But aren't public libraries, like, public? What's the point of having this big place with a bunch of learny books if nobodies allowed in there?

"Er, uh... Twilight needed a place for her studies."

>Kay, but, she can't read every book at the same time, right?"

"She's tried a couple times."

>So can't she just lend out one or two or something? Why even call it a library if it's not actually a library, and just a house with a bunch of books? Do you normally just give out public places for houses? Can I have, like, a mailroom for a house in that case?"

"....."

>Seriously, I'm asking. Mega-moons started putting flypaper down, and I've been stuck to the floor twice already. She caught on to me staying up late, and took precautions."

"..Oh look! One of your little friends! Why don't you go play with her for a bit?

>That's flatflank, she doesn't like me. And tries to kill me. A lot.

"Well, maybe it's her lucky day. Bye now!"

*Poof!*

"....I swear to Luna's enormous backisde, if they all start talking like this, I'm getting the largest can of Raid I can find and am just going to lose my cookies."

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>Cadance
“Applejack 56”
‘Applejack 2
~~~~~~~~~~

*two Changelings sit on Shining’s bed*

‘I hear you’re going to scawl now! What’s that like?’

“It’s pronounced school, 2, and it’s pretty awesome. I get to see all these bountiful plots almost every day!”

‘...What’s so interesting about pieces of ground?’

“No, it's… not that kind of plot. I mean their rumps.”

*barely in the realm of listening, AJ2 had already dug her head into AJ56’s backpack, pulling out a few crayons with her mouth*

‘You got crayons!’

“Yeah, standard school equipment, apparently, and I… uh… what’re you doing?”

‘This cool thing I found out when I was playing with Shiny! Look, look, see? The crayon can go through the holes in my hoof! Isn’t that awesome?’

“I thinks plots are more awesome.”

*AJ2 falls onto her side, squeeing with joy as she finds out she can insert more than one crayon into any given hole at a time*

‘Shiny’s gonna flip when he sees this! I thought I could only do one!’

“You’re a weird one, 2.”

‘Me? You’re the one who likes butts over crayons! I bet you don’t even eat marchmalley’s with your cocoa!’

“The hay’s a marchmalley…?”

‘...Get out.’

*the door suddenly opens with a grand flare and Cadance trots in, the seductive glint her eye fading at the sight of the two Changelings*

>Oh joy, oh glee, it’s you two. Look, I get that my husband is a hot topic right now but isn’t there some other place you’d both rather be right now?

“We’re just talking, 18.”

>How in the great hell did you know it was me? And so quickly! My disguise this time was perfect! I used over fifty different pictures of that nimrod Cadance to make sure not a single strand of fur was out of place, for fuck’s sake! The hair is perfect, my hooves are done, the cutie mark is right--what gave it away?

‘Yeah, 56, how did you know? And why’re you still here? I said get out, marchmalley hater.’

“I never said I hated mackmallows, I just don’t know what they are. And 18, the real Cadance’s rump is just skin and bone. Yours is naturally bigger, more rounded and full. You forgot to change your backside to match hers.”

>Is that really what I did wrong? Shit, and after that preparation I did to… Wait. Are you saying I have a fat ass?

“It’s not a bad thing!”

>Get out.

‘Yeah, get out, marchmalley hater.’

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>Applejack
"Cadence"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>CADENCE!

"Oh no, not this time, DEAR APPLEJACK! For you see, you cannot throw me from my balcony due to my incompetence, IF I THROW MYSELF!"

*Immediately tears off out her window*

"OH CRAP WINGCRAMP CRAP CRAP CRAP!"

*Crashing noises*

>...So is that a no to tha' cake eating contest?

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>Applejack
‘Celestia’
_______

>Hey, Celly.

“Hey, bane of my existence.”

>Cute, we have proper nicknames for each other now. Anyway, Ah think we need to think about a change of regime where the Wonderbolts’re concerned.

“I wonder… which should I go for? The gun, or just dive out the window?”

>Ah’d pick the gun. Survival instincts will just make ya fly instead of plummet, but can ya hold off on the suicide until after Ah’m through?

“If I must….”

>Now, Ah know the current head of the ‘Bolts is Spitfire, that’s all fine an’ good, but she’s a terrible leader. Worse than y’all, an’ that’s sayin’ something.

*while Applejack talks, Celestia walks to the window, sticking her head out to glance down*

“Maybe if I taped my wings down and leapt?”

>She doesn’t give use any monthly statements, there are no records of who she’s hirin’- hell, if she’s hirin’ anypony at all, and it seems all these so-called professionals do is perform at Canterlot Gala’s and in Ponyville competitions. Ah have to ask. What in the great buck are Equestria’s elite flyin' forces, our aerial defense squad, doin’ participatin’ in events set up to find NEW talent and encourage new recruits? They always win so what’s the point? Rather, shouldn’t they be judges? Be there to give out hints an’ tips, not to railroad the competition?

“The fall would probably take too long, my wings might break their bonds. The gun, yes. Much quicker.”

>An’ it’s always only three of ‘em. Doin’ nothin’. ‘Cept wastin’ our bits on new, more flamboyant outfits and top-tier caterin’. They’re a bigger waste of money than the cake budget, but at least that’s keepin’ us all sane by some measure. So Ah have a proposal.

“You know, maybe I should put two bullets in the chamber. Yes, if one won’t work, then surely two?

>Rainbow Dash.

“…”

>Yeah, that got yer’ attention didn’t it? But Ah’m serious.

“Are you? Well, I’m gonna need three bullets for this one, apparently.”

>Wait, hear me out. Dash might be a brash airhead, but she has a passion fer’ what she does, a passion that Spitfire, Soarin’, and those other clucks long since lost. Ah’m not sayin’ it’d be permanent, we just give Dash a one-month trial basis, see how she does, she what she can fix and improve upon. Ah mean, fer’ our sake, the mare can pull off a Sonic Rainboom, the hardest technique of all aerial maneuvers, and she’s saved Ponyville a number of times.

“...And let’s just say I agree with this insane idea, what do we do with Spitfire?”

>We can either downgrade her or give her paid vacation for the trial basis period.

“As if having Derpy as a mailmare wasn’t bad enough… Who will she answer to?”

>Me. So, much as Ah hate to say, if anything goes wrong, it'll be my fault....

"Feel the pain, dear."

>So whatta ya say?

“I’ll let this speak for me. If I live, we do it. If I die, I don’t give a shit.”

*spinnnnnnnnnn-*

>C’mon, c’mon….

“Please take me, pleeeease….”

*click!*

“Damn.”

>Yeeeehaw! Alright, Ah’ll go tell Dash the good news!

*as Applejack races from Celestia’s quarters, she glances at the gun before tossing it out the window*

“Piece of shit….”


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