The Ballad of Anon El Caballero

>Today is going very well so far.
>You woke up without anyp0ny trying to compromise your purity or sell you stuff that you don't really need.
>Probably because it's a tuesday and most other p0nies have actual jobs and responsibilities and lame crap like that.
>Suckers.  You get a royal stipend that covers your basic needs of living.  It's so great.
>Damn, you love tuesdays.
>Decide to go for a stroll around town, maybe pick up a few groceries, hang out with your friends and otherwise be useless and unproductive.
>Wot's better?
>But as you approach the market square it soon becomes apparent that something is off.  P0nies are running in all directions, screaming in terror, pushing each other out of the way and making a terrible mess of things.
>Seems like all hell has broken loose in P0nyville.
>Again.
>Bloodied hell, you wanted to have a good day.  Did Twilight 'sperg out and try to declare herself queen regent or something?
>It's possible that Applejack finally lost her mind and started bucking down all the houses in town.  She was a ticking time-bomb, you swear.
>Or maybe Angel staged another rabbit uprising?  God, you hope not.  You really don't feel like dealing with his Watership Down bullcrap today.
>The closer you get to the market place, the greater the destruction becomes.
>The sky is darkened from the smoke billowing out of burning houses.  Carts are upturned and their various wares and scattered about the street.  Bits have been left behind in the chaos and stamped into the dirt without a second thought.
>You eye the dosh apprehensively.  The idea of swiping them up and taking them home so you can smelt them down and make money underwear crosses your mind.
>As you debated the morals of your retarded idea Cheerilee rushed into you.  Her hair was a horrible mess and she was covered in dirt and looked like she's been through hell.  So she looked perfectly normal, in other words.  She grabbed you by the collar and shook you viciously.
"Anon!  What are you doing here?  You have to run!  It already took out the Wonderbolt Emergency Response Squad!"
>"Cheerilee, mouse-farts can take out the Wonderbolt squad."  She slammed you back into the ground and face-hoof'd.
"It's already destroyed town hall."
>"YES!"  They keep records of all your misdemeanors at town hall. "BEST CATASTROPHE EVER!"
"The school house has been burned down!"
>"Yeah, I don't really go to school, so..."
"You don't care about that at all?"
>"Even when I went to school I didn't care."
>A filly scampers by and shouts out "TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL!"
>"Right on little buddy."
"Anon.  I know you're a human and your brain operates a little differently from ours.  Maybe a little less efficiently, a little slower."
>She's not wrong.  The teacher climbs off of your chest.  Damn, now your shirt is all dirty.
>"You know, even for a grade-school teacher you're really stressed out.  Anyone ever tell you that?"  The way her eyes twitch let you know she's screaming very loudly on the inside.
"Just...run, please?  I don't want to come back and find your blood-stains all over the road."
>"Okay, fine.  Just for you, teach."  She high-tails it out of there.
>She was pretty terrified.
>The crippled chemicals in your mind and broken wiring that connected Common Sense to the rest of your brain managed to fire off a single, desperate round into your consciousness.
>You should probably leave.  There were other people here that could deal with this problem.  People who are smarter than you.
>Yeah, getting third-degree burns and possibly getting chewed up by some supernatural force didn't seem an appealing way to spend a Tuesday morning.
>Maybe you'll just head back to your house and watch tv or read a book until all this blows over.
>You wonder if RD will want to hang out later on today.
>You raise your right foot and get ready to book it out of there sanic style when something explodes out of the ground underneath a nearby house.
>Fire plumes up from the building sending wooden beams and bricks all over the street. Nearby shops and houses cave in   You're toppled over by the force and buried in dirt.  The roar of raining mortar is deafening to you.
>Then you see it.  A huge dirtied mass of a thing.  Rocks, broken furniture and fire fall from it as it slowly rises into the air.
>An enormous shadow is cast upon the ground.
>It spreads a massive pair of veiny, translucent wings made of the fiercest chitin you've ever seen.  The thing sounds a loud, dull booming screech, like a foghorn had a drunken one-night stand with Godzilla.
>The monster shook, the dirt cleared from its body and you could see it for what it was.
>It was the biggest goddamned Parasprite you've ever seen.
>You piss yourself from equal parts fear and shame.
>It was a monster.  The thing was the most terrifying shade of pastel blood-red.  Its wings were tipped with black and sickening yellows.  A thousand creepy legs ending in the most spine-rackingly sick looking pincers snapped and pulled at the air.
>And its eyes.  It had six of them.
>They looked like gumballs from hell.   The light of flames slid across their smooth, emotionless surface.
>It had what looked like a small golden crown on top of its head.
>The beast turned towards you and stared unblinkingly, quite possibly gauging your worth as a food source.
>"I swear to God, if Fluttershy says you're cute..."
>It kinda was.
>The thing roared again.  You were sent flying across the street in super cool slow-motion.
>Okay, this was it, you're going to be killed by a mutant bug that looks like something you'd win from a claw machine.
>It's wings buzzed like chainsaws and it charged you.
>This is when its left-side was hit a purple glare that exploded into sparks and vaprous lightning.  The thing careened off to the side and slid into the dirt.  The smell of ozone filled the air.
"Anon!  We have to run, and run now!"
>It was Twilight.
>"What in God's name is that thing!"  She pulled you up from the street and urged you to start hauling ass.
"It's some variant of parasprite!"
>"Oh really."
"Normally when parasprites eat, they split once they consume enough mass!  This one must be defective somehow!  It won't multiply, it just keeps growing bigger and bigger!"
>The behemoth behind you started to clatter and buzz in rage.
"This thing is unstoppable!  My magic can hardly slow it down.  Right now we're trying to route it out of town.  We just need to keep it away from food sources.  If we don't stop it, then it might just grow big enough to swallow all of Equestria!"
>"Think we're being a little dramatic here?"
"It's the Parasprite to end all Parasprites, Anon.  Look at it!"
>"So you're saying this thing is some -some kind of OmegaSprite?"
>You risk a glance back.  The monster is standing on its sickening legs.  It rears up and shows its mouth that has more teeth than million sharks and gullet that would make even the most hardened hentai enthusiest. quiver in fear.
"Sounds like a pretty good name."
>It takes to the air and flies towards you.  Its eyes are stricken in famine.
>"Twilight, if you have anymore fireworks available, now would be a good time to light them."
"It's too adaptable!  My spells will only work once on it."
>"Then how are we supposed to stop it?"  The two of you turn a corner into a tight alley in an attempt to lose your pursuer.
"I think I know a way to stop this!  I need to fix its multiplier-gene.  If we can get it into its system and repair that response, then that thing will break apart and turn into something we actually know how to deal with."
>You can hear it buzzing around the rooftops searching for you.
"All of my supplies are in the library's basement.  I can do this, I know I can, but I don't know if I have enough time to make the spell before it destroys all of p0nyville!"
>As you run the OmegaSprite tears across the rooftops.  Shingles and drainworks rain down as the beast burrows into the depths of the alley.
>"Twilight, Run.  Get to your library, do what you need too.  I'll distract him."  Her eyes flare out in shock and she shakes her head and further tussles her already dirtied mane.
"I can't leave you like this Anon, I can't leave the town like this."
>"Don't worry about me, I'll distract him."
>The OmegaSprite gets closer.
>"Somehow."
"What if something happens to you?  I can't live with myself if-"
>You hear something that sounds like a fighter jet streaking through the air.  A rainbow blur pierces across the air of P0nyville.  Something falls from it.
>A long, low whistle can be heard and you see a pink rocket fall from the sky.  It hits the monster square in the forehead with the force of a bunkbuster missile, crushing it into the base of the alley.  The OmegaSprite screeches in pain.   More buildings crush and the push of the air displacement send the two of you flying.
>You see Pinkie Pie somersault off the monster.  She lands daintily in front of the two of you.
"Twilight, quit being so silly.  Me and Anon can take care of this overweight meanie."
>She spits dirt out of her mouth.  "What the fuck, Pinkie?"
"I WAS going to have a party later today.  But this grump-a-lumpagus had to go and eat everything in the SugarCube Corner!"
>Her eyes light up.
"Hey, that just means I can throw a house-building party."
>The monster begins to push through the fallen buildings.
"Once he's been taught a few lessons in sharing."
>"Twilight, go.  Do what you need too."  She places a hoof on your shoulder.
"Don't do anything stupid."
>"No promises."  You smile.  She nods and runs off towards the library.  You stand up and stand next to Pinkie's side.
>"So what's the plan?"
"I'm just gonna do what I always do."
>She pulls out an oversized tuba.
"Have a whole lot of fun."
>"Well let's party then."
>Pinkie pie inhales an ungodly amount of air and plays her instrument.  She charges the OmegaSprite and it recoils under her audial assault.  The huge bug backs away from the small pink p0ny as though she's wielding a flamethrower.
>It jumps at her, trying to swat at her with its thousands of legs, but she's to quick for it.  She darts along crumbling walls, keeping the monster in constant agony and confusion.
>Not content to stand around gawking, you pick up a splintered beam and run towards the parasprite like a man with a lance.
>You're about to go Gregor Clegane on this bitch.
>However you severely underestimate the strength of its exoskeleton and your pike bounces uselessly of its chitin.
>It turns towards you, screeching.  You take to  dancing around it, bashing it.  It barrels over you, grabbing your weapon and throwing at Pinkie, knocking the tuba out of her hooves.
>Rocks and bricks befell the monster as you pummel it with every scrap of debris you can get your hands on.  Pinkie recovers quickly and pulls out a trombone, resuming her song.  She tosses you a harmonica.  With one hand you throw rocks, and with the other, you blow like a french whore on nickle night.
>http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=7SlukDf4k8E#t=151s
>This thing is quicker than a fly on steroids.   Its inhuman, jittery movement and expressionless eyes make reading its attacks nearly impossible.  You spend most of your energy just trying to avoid its snapping jaws and pinching arms.
>The monster brings its rage upon Pinkie.  It grapples at her, and keeps trying to disarm her.  He corners her down an alley, pulling away her instruments, but she keeps pulling out more.  You see her wield a violin, a saxaphone, an accordion, grand piano, even a full-scale drumset.
>She uses them all with the same intensity and fierceness of a knight swinging a claymore.  She's sweating.  Her face looks only more determined and her hair more wild as she's forced to pull all the stops on her musical catalogue.
>Between Pinkie's playing, your blowing, the OmegaSprite's roars and the burning of buildings, the air is quite literally filled with the sound of chaos.
>The beast grabs at her bass guitar and eats it.  Pinkie reaches into her hair for her next weapon, but only pulls out a paddle-ball.  She looks at you and giggles.
"Guess I was having too much fun."
>The monster grabs her with its many legs and takes to the air.  She squeaks in suprise as it rasies itself from the neighborhood's ruins.
>"PINKIE, NO!"  You run over the falling arches and supports, vaulting yourself onto the creatures back as it takes flight.  You scramble for purchase with one hand and hit the monster's exoskeleton with the other.
It's huge wings beat at a thousand miles per hour, sending merciless vibrations through its body.  Your teeth rattle in your skull.  You can feel your bones buckle against their own joints.
>You begin to slip.  You can't tell if Pinkie is laughing or screaming.  Hands grab onto one of its black legs that flail you around wildly.  The pink mare is being held firmly in its grasp, despite how hard she's thrashing around.
>The only thing that keeps you from falling is knowing that a friend's life depends on you and that you are seriously fucking high up.
>More legs grab at you and pull you away.  You are held out at length from the insect, the wind whips around your hair.  For a second you think it's going to pull you into that huge toothy mouth.  You try to pull at the thing's arms, but you're not strong enough.  You look at Pinkie with desperation, wishing for anything in the world to come along and help you save your friend.
>You see her say something, but the wind is too loud for you to hear.
>It lets go.  Your hands flail at thin air, finding nothing to hold onto.
>Great.  Now you're going to die, your friend is going to be eaten, and p0nyville is going to be destroyed.
>This is a horrible Tuesday.
>You really didn't want to accept the inevitable.
>Which is just as well because this is when a wash of rainbow lights zooms at you.  You're tackled by a mass of blue fur that wraps around your shoulders.
"Oh wow, that had to be like...the fourth coolest thing I've done today."
>"Dash?"  She's beating her wings with as much force as she could.  There's no way she can actually fly with your added weight, but she's able to slow your ascent down just enough.
"You really need to go on a diet or something, Anon."
>"Well maybe if you weren't so lazy you'd have enough muscle to not fall like a rock for ten seconds."
"I've got zero problems with dropping you from up here.
>"Fair enough.  Did you see that thing?  It has Pinkie, we have to, we have-"
"I know, I know.  It's been doing this all day.  Abducting p0nies and going off somewhere with them."
>"You have to trail it.  We need to know where it's taking them."
"Believe me, I want to.  Follow that thing and give 'em the Rainbow Special.  But I've been carrying balloon litters out of town back and forth for hours, trying to get everyone away from that freak."
>Fuck.  The two of you hit the ground rolling.  Rainbow stumbles onto four hooves again and shakes her head.  She looks exhausted.  You work your way to your knees.
>"How many p0nies are left in town?"
"Not that many.  We've got the foals out, everyone else is taking refuge in the woods.  That thing has been sticking mostly to the town, eating everything in sight.  Can't wait to see its face once we send 'em the bill."
>"Dash, trail it.  Just figure out where it's heading, and make sure it doesn't hurt Pinkie.  Don't let it catch wind of you.  The last thing I need is you being part of his three-course lunch."  She blew a raspberry.
"Let him try it.  I'll wreck his insides like nothing you've ever seen before."
>"I'd rather not see it at all."
"Yeah, yeah."
>"Right now Twilight is working on a way to take that fat bastard down.  Once we know where it is, then we can move against it.  If Pinkie's not in any immediate danger, don't do anything too heroic."
"You know who you're talking to right?"
>"Flashiest damn mare in the whole kingdom?"
"Don't you forget it." she punches your shoulder.
>God, you hope Twilight's quick about this. "Just...find out where it's going and come back.  By then I'll have some kind of plan together."
"Anon, have you seen how this thing stands up against Twilight?  No offense, I know you got our flanks no matter what happens, but I don't know if you're up to snuff for something like this."
>"Normally, maybe.  But there is...one way."  Her face lost all pretenses towards cockiness.  Her brows lowered and she stumbled for words.
"You don't mean...?"
>"Yeah. I do."  She shook her head and trotted a few steps back.  "Trust me.  I hate the idea more than you do."
"You know what happened last time."
>"That wasn't entirely my fault."
>She stared off at the sky.  The OmegaSprite was a far-off speck in the sky.
"You think this is gonna get that bad?"
>"We don't need it getting any worse."  She nods quietly.
"Do what you have to, Anon."
>She jumped into the air.
"Just be careful."
>She takes off towards the OmegaSprite.
>You stand there for a moment.  Your hand is shaking.
>You know what you have to do.
>Moments later you are sprinting towards your house at full speed.
>You slam into your door, fumbling at the handle until you slam it open.  The sound of it hitting the wall shakes and echoes throughout your home.
>Lock the doors, draw the blinds, turn off all the lights in the living room.
>You make your way to your room and open your closet door.
>Inside is a wooden chest, clasped tight under many locks.  Anyone else who would see the chest would wonder why you were so desperate to keep anyone from getting in.
>And while you were afraid from someone breaking into the chest, you were more terrified of its terrible contents escaping.
>You pull out many keys.  It takes you much longer to unlock them all, your hands are so sweaty.
>You swore you'd never use this again.
>You fear it, and for good reason.
>The locks are undone. You open the latch and slowly raise the lid.
>You see a pair of red gloves.
>You put them on.
>There is a vest.
>You put on the vest.
>A pair of snakeskin boots with spurs soon replace the regular shoes you were wering.
>There's a poorly constructed handlebar mustache made from the Octavia's mane.  You glue it onto your face.
>You can feel it.  Eating away at the edges of your mind, wanting to take you into horrible and wonderful places.
>But it can't take complete hold.  Not yet.
>You pull out the last thing in the chest.
>An oversized sombrero that reads "El Champion" in big letters across it.
>You haven't used it since Deprestus, so many, many months ago.  You swore never again.  Never again would you use its fierce power.  Bad things happened that day.
>But even worse things were happening today.
>You pray for your soul.  You take a deep breath.
>And you put on the hat.
>IT'S ANON EL CABALLERO TIME!!!!!
>You are no longer Anonymous.  You're something more.  Something a whole helluva lot more.
>You flex your gloved hand, in the very tips of your fingers rest more swag than most men would wield in their entire lives.
>Most mortals would shit themselves by the sheer tonnage of pure raw sexual power that you're frontin' right now.
>You pull out a second chest, one containing your Colt Single Action Army revolvers and a bandolier of ammo.  You hold the guns up and slam long silver bullets into the well greased chambers.
>This was better than sex.
>The clock on the wall says it's 11:30, but clocks are lying bastards.
>It's Kick-Ass O'Clock.
>It's always Kick-Ass O'Clock.
>You kick down your front door.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=0aA4seB6ou8#t=7s
>RIGHT!  So there's a great ugly buggy asshole flying around kidnapping the innocent folk and making a right mess of your homestead.
>And Momma didn't raise up no messy boy.  So you have CONFLICT!
>And here you are, suave mysterious loner who's done bad deeds for good reasons, loaded up with two guns and an attitude so bad Satan himself kicked you out of hell.  So now we have a HERO!
>You spit on the ground, it sizzles from the chewing tobacco that your mouth is now naturally forming.
>Time to get this story rollin'.  You step off your porch, spurs spinning and tinklin with dignity with every larger than life step you please to take.
>"I say it's a mighty fine day to pay a visit to ol' twilight."  You make your way to her house, lighting a cigarette on your way from the flames of the burning town.
>You approach the library, and look at that, Miss Twilight is already standing out front.
>She looks shocked.  Understandable.
"Oh...Oh Celestia, Anon, you're..."
>You tip your hat.  "Only doin' what I need to ma'am.  Don't you worry now, Anon El Caballero 's only here to set straight what that ugly fat bug-boy made crooked.  You fix up a way to teach him a few manners?  Keep in mind I think a few switches from the hickory tree oughta mend his ways, but you're the expert, Miss."
"R-Right.  I did manage to create this potion.  Once we get it into his system then it should rewrite his genetic code, turning him into a normal parasprite and make him break apart."
>"That sounds like a right clever idea."
"He needs to swallow it.  That's the only problem."
>You take a small green vial from her. "Shoot.  That don't sound like a problem at all.  Heh.  Making this sound all too easy."  You twirl the vial in between your fingers.  Twilight eyes it nervously, fearing that you'll drop it.
>But dropping it wouldn't be cool.  And if you were any cooler they'd have to keep you in a freezer.
>You pocket it into your belt.
>"You can count on me, ma'am.  I'll make sure he takes his medicine and have everyone home before supper.  Hell, I may just need a shot of whiskey after this."
>You hear a screeching noise
>Rainbow is diving towards you.
"CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!"
>The OmegaSprite follows, lunging and snapping.
"Guys, I'm really fast, right!?" She yells from the distance.  "Well, he's fast too."  The monster snaps at her tail.  "Not as fast as me, but I'm still gettin' kinda nervous here!"
>Rainbow streaks overhead, the Insect King not far behind her.  You raise up your revolver and fire.
>A loud boom echoes across town and the projectile and hits him square in the eye.  The sprite careens onto its side and hits the ground sliding for several yards, kicking up dirt all the way.
>You really hoped that pissed it off.  It SOUNDS pissed off.  Dash swerved back towards you and Twilight.
>"You find out where he's been taking all the ponies?"
"There's a cave up in the mountains.  Counted at least twenty of ponies.  Didn't see Pinkie, but it was dark in there."
>You nod and turn to Twilight.  "Get over there, free them.  Go somewhere safe."
>The monster rattles on the ground groaning.  One huge leg scratches at the dirt. He stumbles back onto his leg and sways unevenly.  There's a green, bloodied hole where your shot hit him, but it's already healing over.
>"I'll handle the little Spanish Flea here."
"Just get the vial inside him as fast as you can.  Anon, whatever you do, don't lose. "
>You run your finger along the brim of El Champion.
>"Thought never crossed my mind."
"No, Anon."  She raised herself up to your chest and looked at you pleadingly.  "Don't lose yourself."
>You blinked unnervingly a million miles away.  Your mouth parted just slightly.
>"No promises."
>Twilight doesn't look at you when she walks back to Rainbow.  She whispers something to her, you don't know what.  Rainbow looks at you and says.
"Give 'em hell for me."
>You nod.
>They dissappear in a flash of light.
>The OmegaSprite has finished healing.  He repositions himself on his thousands of crab-like legs, like some huge garishly colored tank.  It's wings angle itself threateningly against you, looking more like veiny shark fins than wings.
>Its six eyes are staring you down.
>It wants your hat.  Obviously.  Greed and gluttony is written all over it.  You could feel the burn of its glare.
>"You tryin' to give me the Ojo, cabron?"
>It clicks its massive jaws, snapping at you, shifting the positions of its wings, testing your reactions.
>"Puffing yourself up aint gonna scare me.  But I do got something that'll scare you."
>You hold out your revolver.  It braces itself at the sight of the weapon that caused it pain.
>"You've already met Rosa."  You pull out your second revolver.  "This is her sister, Louisa.  Two of the meanest, ugliest bitches this side of Equestria."
>You spin the girls around your gloved fingers like oiled up strippers on a stage pole.
>"And they wanna dance with you."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg-yC0xcI9s
>The OmegaSprite leaps into the air, you fire off two shots as it buzzes overhead.  It grazes its thick under-chitin and tries to crush you with its massive weight.
>You leap and roll too the side as its strikes the ground with its legs and begins to dig.  You fire off another round at its wings, but they only strike red-hot flashes as they bounce off.
>Then its completely under the ground.
>You stay still.  You've seen this movie.  Make one single sound and-
*THOOSH*
>You are thrown in the air as a column of dirt and rock explode underneath you.  The thing takes directly to the skies.  You're back on your feet in an instant.
>Just in time.  The sprite turns in the air on a dime and zig-zags towards you.  It rushes you, razing the ground with its claws like a tiller on farmland.
>You can dodge its rushes, but it keeps making so many.  You barely have any time to counter it.
>Damn, this thing is fast.   Almost too fast.
>It comes at you again.  You brace your legs against it.  The monster comes at you full force, but you cross your guns and catch its claws.
>It stalls against you.  The wings of the monster buzz fiercely and loudly.  It begins to push against you.  Your spurs dig deep into the dirt.
>"Tryin' to tell me a big jawbreaker like you ain't eatin' his wheaties?"
>The bug opens its huge maw and tilts itself over your lock on its legs and snaps down on you.  You fall to the ground and kick up a foot to its jaw and prop Rosa against its upper mouth.
>The thing is trying really damn hard to snap you in half.  Spittle is getting all over your vest as its snarls.  You lift up Louisa and let her sing twice right into its throat.
>The monster leaps off of you, roaring in pain.  It stabs its legs into the ground and spits out two bullets soon aftewards.
>Now you got blood on your vest.
>You mad.
>You run towards the monster as it recovers.  You vault your way up its backside and climb to the top of its domed head and fire off another two rounds into its left eye.  Bug Juice splatters everwhere.
>The thing does a backroll, squashing you for a moment.  You're dizzied.  You get to your legs just as it rams you from behind.
>Your launched into the air.  The sprite takes advantage of your disorientation and rams you again straight into the ground below.
>It does this at least three more times.  Picking you up and slamming you into the ground.
>Sweet blessed Mary, this hurts.
>You groan on the ground and cough up some blood.
>The thing hovers above you.  It laughs.  It's  deep throaty and obnoxious chuckle that sounds like rocks being rubbed together.
>Oh that's it.
>"NO ONE LAUGHS AT ANON EL CABALLERO!"
>You backflip onto your legs.  The bug dives at you from the side and hits the ground rolling along its wings, like some giant hellish buzzsaw.  The sun reflects harshly off it.
>You sideflip matrix style as it cuts along the ground.  You need a way to keep this within range.
"ANON!"
>You head snaps and sees Applebloom.
>"This is the last place you need to be, little senorita," you growl as you sidestep the monster's attacks.
"Take this!"
>She throws you a rope.
>Oh that sweet little angel.
>You tip your hat to her.
"He took mah sister!  Kick his butt for me, Anon!"
>"Yes ma'am."
>You quickly form a lasso.  The OmegaSprite spins into the air and flies towards you, sitll in buzzsaw formation.
>You spin the rope and throw it, making it catch on its golden crown.  Red gloves tighten around the rope and you pull, and pull hard.
>The creature crashes into the ground screaming.  You give the rope another herculean tug.  It screams in pain again.  Its legs thrash widly.
>You're a sexy blur as you run towards the monster.  You wind back your good arm.
>"VAQUERO PUNCH!"  You swing your mighty fist into the beast's face.  Cracks form along its exoskeleton and its forced back.
>"HUEVOS RANCHEROS!"  You punch it again.  More cracks.
>You bring your hands together and raise them high.
"BANDITO SLAM!"  You bring down the fury, driving it into the ground.  You lift your hands.  Your bring them down.
>Again.
>Again.
>Again.
>You're breathing really damn hard right now.
>The OmegaSprite's wings whirr to life and launches itself into the air once more.
"Not this time, amigo."
>You lift Rosa and Louisa towards the monster as it flies away from you.
>You start to spin them and spin them fast.  They cut through the air and scream like two girls getting fucked for three hours straight.
>The wind blows and a vortex begins to form.
>Off in the distance you can see the bug begin to struggle in its flight.
>Soon enough there is a full-blown tornado  spewing from your spinning revolvers.  Its angry and throwing dirt and rocks all over the place.  The bug is pulled towards you.
>It's wings flap and buzz in all directions, tumbling it around ineffectually through the air. You spin even harder.
>You twirl them so fast the guns begin to heat up from the friction and glow bright orange.
>And right when the monster is pulled into the vertex you raise your snakeskin boot and yell "CABALLERO KICK!" and bash him hard enough you can see your footprint on its shell.
>The monster slides along the dirt again.  The footprint soon disappears completely.
>It's already adapting to your attacks and incredible strength.
>"Looks like I'll have to get serious here."
>The thing flips to its side and buzzsaws across the ground.  You dive out of the way as it takes to the air once more.
>Looks like it's trying to run away.  You bring out the lasso once again and throw it hard and throw it true.
>It ties around one of its many legs.  You are pulled into the air.  Your stomach heaves as it's pulled along at such incredible speeds.
>You travel along the length of rope.  The wind makes the rope buckle and twist.  The muscles in your hand start to burn as you hang on as tightly as possible.
>With great effort you make it towards the legs.  You shoot at several of them, blasting them away in a spray of green ooze.
>The monster shakes and roars.  You grab onto a ridge on the side of its head and heave yourself onto its side.
>You really wish this thing would stop shaking so damn much.
>You swing your lasso around the base of its wings and manage to give yourself some measure of stable footing.  You stared down at its crown and give it a good kick.
>The sprite rolls upside down.  The sudden change in gravity takes you by surprise and your wrist gets caught in your jury-rigged reign.
>You groan in pain, but in a very manly way.
>The beast flips right-side up again.  You kick more at its crown.
>The monster flies higher, doing barrel rolls in the air, never letting you get a stable grip against it.
>Yeah, you're going to need a shot of whiskey after this.
>A rainbow strikes across the sky.
>A pink missile impacts the OmegaSprite.
"Hi, Anon."
>"Miss!"  You tip your hat as the monster tumbles through the air "Pinkie!"

"Looks like you need an extra hoof here."
>"I'd be much obliged."
>She pulls an acoustic guitar from her mane and begins to play her song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENBX_v1Po1Y&feature=player_detailpage#t=19s
>"Of the fucking chain, Miss Pinkie."
>She gives you the biggest smile.
>You let go of the rope.
>Anon El Caballero needs no rope.
>Anon El Caballero laughs in the face of gravity.
>You reload Rosa and Louisa.  You point them at the back of the OmegaSprite and pull the trigger twelve times.
>You reload again.  Fire at the eyes.  Reload.
>The thing is going insane.  It's mad.  It's really mad.
>Pinkie won't stop playing.
>The thing zooms straight up.  You know what it's trying to do.  You crouch down and hold the brim of El Champion.
>You're going to finish this.
>The beast stops in middair.  You leap off as it stops.
>You rocket towards the sun.  You throw out bullets.  Rosa and Luisa catch them in mid-air.
>You twist in the sky, the girls held straight out in front of you.
>The OmegaSprite has his mouth opened as wide as it could be.  You could count every jagged, razor-tipped blade that sits inside it.
>You smile.
>"YOU'RE LOOKIN' PRETTY HUNGRY, HOMBRE!"
>The girls sing.
>The monster roars.
>The mare plays.
>You fall straight into its mouth.
>The insect king levels out its flight.  It begins to laugh.
>Then it stops.
>It feels glass break against its insides.  A chemical begins to seep through its body, changing it.
>The OmegaSprite blinks.  It can feel its exoskeleton begin to move in a million different directions.
>It opens its mouth and in a voice deeper than the deepest cave, heavier than the heaviest fat person, it speaks.
"A king has his reign. Then he dies."
>Smaller, perfectly normal parasprites force itself away from the monarch.
"It's inevitable."
>Pinkie blinks a few times.
"Um.  Okie Dokie, that was fun, but I have to go now."
>She spreads her arms and lets herself fall away.
>Soon enough the body of the OmegaSprite is a writhing mass of newly seperated parasprites tumbling towards the ground.
>Many buzz away, trailing off from the main body like fire.
>Soon enough have fled that you can be seen in the center of the mass, hurtling towards the earth.
"YEEEEEEE-HAAAAWWWWW!!!"
>You fire the girls in victory.
>YOU FUCKING LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF TUESDAYS!
>Soon you hit the ground.   Parasprites are buzzing all around the air.
>Pinkie Pie and Rainbow land.  She's still playing her guitar, thousands upon thousands of parasprites follow happily behind her.
>Except for one.
>A lone reddish parasprite approaches you.
>He's dragging a golden crown along the ground.  It is way too big for him.
>He looks pretty pissed.  He buzzes parapsprite curses at you.
>You flick him away.
>"Pendejo."
>Well, looks like your job here is done.
>The wind blows.
>El Champion floats off of your head.
>You are no longer Anon El Caballero.
>The glue on the handlebar moustach comes loose.  You drop the two revolvers.
>Your entire body succumbs to the pain exhaustion of your deeds.
>Your brain is in the throes of agony.
>Oh God.
>You're back.
>You fall to your knees and clutch at your head.
>What did you do?  What the hell were you saying?
>You want to throw up.  You want to die and you want to throw up and never stop.
"ANON!"
>You look up.  Twilight is running towards you.
>"Twilight?"
>Wraps herself around you, pushing you into the ground.
>Sweet jesus, the pain.  The pain.
"We saw everything, the flying, the getting eaten, the-the -the-"
>She digs her head into your chest.
"Are you alright?  You're still you?  Please tell me you're okay."
>"Yeah, I'll be fine.  Eventually."
>You hug her back and bury your head into her mane.
>"I'm still here.  Just...just did what I had to do.
"Anon, you just did something totally rocking, don't go and lame it up like this."
>"Because you're the queen of lamewads, right?"
"I got no problems bucking your head in."
>"Be my guest."
>She hugs you too.
"Well, maybe I'd have a little problem.  I can't be cool all by myself, y'know."
>You rustle her mane.
>"Thanks."
>You sit there for a while.  The citizens of Ponyville quickly return to put the fires out, and provide medical attention to the kidnapped p0nies.  In a matter of days the town looks like nothing bat-shit crazy happened at all.
>School resumes as normal.
>The Town Hall is rebuilt.
>It turns out the records of your misdemeaners survived completely intact.
>You weren't too pleased with that.
>You lock away El Champion.  Hang up Rosa and Luisa.  You wash your face for an hour just to get the smell of glue and Octavia off of you.
>It's going to take you at least a month to recover.  Your body wash pushed far beyond its limits.
>But you can't really complain.  You've done the impossible.  You've used your power for good, instead of evil
>But you hope you'd never have to use it again.
>Anon El Caballero was dangerous, even  insane.
>And even though you'd never admit it, even subconciously.
>He was a lot more fun than he should be.
>You take a shot of whiskey.