Thread 32: Stories 61-84

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>Temp Pony 1
"TP2"
'TP3'
[Guard]
~~~~~~

>...HOW!?

"You sir, you can go right to hell!"

'MRPHMRPMH!'

[It's just tonight's forms.]

>HOW!?

"No, really, how. How is anyone expected to actually do this stuff? We're still digging out Sparkee!"

'MRHNMP!'

"This is insanity! Can we at least get some help from next door!? Please, can you just go get my sis..."

[...I'm... I'm sorry.]

"N-nooo..."

[We tried, we really did.]

"N-NOO!"

[But in the end, she...]

"NO NO NONOOOOO!"

[...She quit and walked out.]

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO PAY FOR MY NIECES COLLEGE FUND! DAMN YOU, SISTER! DAMN YOOOOOU!... Mom is going to be PISSED."

>...HOW!?

"Because they're monsters, that's how! Monsters empowered with the magic of the GODS who endlessly mock us puny, non-all powerful mortals! We are nothings to them! NOTHING! AND YET THEY LAAAAAAUUUUUGH!"

'MRPHMMMMMMMMMMMMM!'

>HOOOOOOOWWWWWW!?

[...Seriously, it's just some paperwork, you think you're over-reacting just a touch?]

"LAAAAUUUUGGGGGHH

'MRPHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

>HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!?

[...So, uh, want some coffee?]

>Coffee sounds great, yeah!

"Two sugars in mine, please. Oh! And some cinnamon!"

'Morpmh?'

>Yeah, do you guys serve frappuccino?

"Oh oh! I'm changing my order to some caramel blend if you do!"

[I'll have the cooks whip it up.]

>Thanks!... Now, where are those requisition forms for the current military re-subsidizing?

'Hrmsph!'

>Well, don't just mumble there, get writing!

"Right? We're on the clock here!"

[...So, does this mean you'll be ready for more stuff tomorr-]

"LAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHH

'MRPHHHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

>HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!?

[I'll take that as a yes.]
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>OO7
~~~~

>...I hate my job sometimes.

The pigeon next to him just blinked, as they are wont to do.

>It's not that I'm disloyal or anything, never. I'll serve her till the day I'm finally caught and killed. But you know, sometimes, I wish I could sleep in beds like a normal pony. Not a changeling, of course, we don't normally sleep in beds unless we're one of the 'important' ones. You know?... You probably don't, you don't sleep in beds either, you're a pigeon.

*hoot!*

>That's not offensive, you are a pigeon. I wouldn't be offended if you called me a changeling. Maybe if you called me a bug monster, but I'm not calling you a flying rat, I'm calling you a pigeon.

*HOOT!*

>I said I'm NOT calling you that.

He sighed tiredly, leaning back.

>I'm talking to a pigeon. Because I'm in way over my head here, and I need to talk to someone. Chitania must have skills beyond what her Majesty said to be this good at avoiding me. I've never failed a tracking assignment like this before, and she just keeps humiliating me.

So caught up in his musings, he didn't even notice his 'friend' pecking in his holes in his hoof.

>My one comfort is knowing that one asshole is every bit as defeated as I am. And that he would be just as effective in a fight against her. Which is to say, not. I don't know what to do, buddy. Maybe I should hand this assignment off to someone else?

*hoot!*

>...Guess you've got a point. At least I'm out of the ballroom. Get to travel a lot, get to see the world... it's not all bad.

*HOOT!*

>You would know. Not that I know you would know, since-

"HEY! ASSHOLE!'

He nearly jumped out of his chitin at the voice. Down below him, an irate mare was poking her head out of the window.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

In a panic, he 'vanished', disappearing before her eyes.

"...Stupid asshole."

Grunting in irritation, the mare shut the window, and stomped back inside. She sat back down on her couch, and popped in another bag in Mr Popcorn.

"The shit I put up with..."
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NON-CANON!
>Cadence"
"DT"
~~~~

>You know what's terrible? Having to work so hard to be pretty all of the time-

*SMACK!*

>OW!

"You shut the hell up, lady! Do you have any idea how hard it is to look good and slender while lugging this thing around!? I need my muscles to handle TBDRLIATU, but I also need to look HOT! You think your makeup is a pain!? YOU DON'T KNOW PAIN! Pain is hiding the fact I could probably choke a stallion to death and still having a smooth, babylike face! My coat has to shiny like the sun AND hide the fact it's hiding muscles harder on par with APPLEJACK! I don't even want to hear it!"

*SMACK*

>LIKE GIANT SAUSAGE PLATTERS! You have stallion hooves!

"You don't get to bitch until you can both be awesome AND look as damn good as I do, you hear me!?"

>...My confidence is just falling apart the more ponies talk to me.

"GOOD!"
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>Celestia
>Constantly under attack by invading forces
>Everything wrong in the kingdom is blamed on her
>Has to put up with Changelings, inept sisters, and inept subjects
>Can't even get laid

Being Celestia is suffering.

>Chrysalis
>Is the last Queen of an almost dead race
>Has no means to make any real headway in invasion
>One guy she likes is totally monogamous and married
>Pretty much has to live on the mercy of someone who hates her
>Her entire life is a constant string of loss after loss, and everytime it looks like she's going to win it falls apart in the end
>Has to rely on one guy to feed her whole hive

Being Chrysalis is suffering.

>SA
>Has to put up with Chrysalis annoying him all day every day.
>Has to put up with his crazy ass life
>Has to do half of the paperwork of an entire kingdom because his wife is lazy
>Is easily the weakest royal, yet somehow ends up fighting against stuff that easily outclasses him
>Lots of others want to do him
>The one pony he actually wants to do him almost never does
>His highschool friends hate him
>He's pretty sure he's never going to be an alicorn, and die while everyone else in his life lives on

Being Shiny is suffering.

>Sp-

You know what? Just go up to the character sheet, and tack "Being XXX is suffering" on the end, you get the idea.

Only exceptions are Mane-Iac and 55. They fucking love their lives.
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non-canon
>Fluttershy
"???"
'???'
-Bee-
~~~
We join our heroine enjoying the beautiful Gardens of The Grand Equestrian Hotel

>Oh, my, I had no idea Pinkie was such a landscape designer- oh! Hello, Mr. Bee! Are you enjoying pinkie's lovely park to-

zot!

>Oh dear...

The Bee is now six feet tall, has an afro, a horn, and wearing a disco suit

>Mr. Bee, are you alright?

-Buzz off, baby, I got some people to wax!-

Everybody there's a new king in town! Get ready! MOJO MOJO KING BEE!

"Ah, shit... Fizzle, hand my my guitar! I'll deal with this guy!"

'You didn't pack your damn guitar! Fuck it, nevermind! WONDER INFUSIONS POWERS: ACTIVATE! FORM OF: MEAN-ASS GUITAR!'

Fizzle turns into a bio-dragon motif guitar and leaps into Flash's hooves

"Ewww... C'mon, man! Your sinews are all wet!"

Fizzle spits out an incisor

'Then use the damn pick!'

"Hey, Bee man!"

-The fuck you want, ya crazy cracka?!-

"Let's bumble!"

'That sucked.'

"You suck, because you're the queer."

-Sounds like i'm goin' first!-

'"Shit."'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjiOqQ17WKw

A fierce battle later that was something like that!

"Hail to the true king, baby!"

>... My powers are getting WAY out of control.

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>Twilight
"Pinkie"
'Fluttershy'
[Dash]
{Spike}
~~~~~~

>And when she opened the beaker, she found that the bottle... HAD FERMENTED!

'I'm frightened.'

>You don't have to patronize me.

'I'm confused?'

>Meh, better.

"Will you hold still!"

{TWILIGHT YOU LET ME GO RIGHT THIS SECOND!}

>Nope.

"Come on! I've almost got the braids around your spikes, Spike!"

{I look like a cheap stoner!}

[No, you look like a cheap stoner cosplay, that's what you look like.]

{SUCK ON MY TAIL, DASH!}

[Is that what guys are calling it nowadays?]

>DASH!

[What? I could think of a better name than that... "the chaos blade!"]

"The Spear Of Destiny!"

[The Deluxe Jackhammer!]

"The Compass Tip!"

[The Rock Splitter!]

"The pink piercing arrow!"

[That makes it sound like they're done in one.]

"Or that they have a tight string that can snap easily."

[But you get the point, there's options. I mean, your name is Spike! That practically writes itself.]

"Yeah, it would be like Shining Armor not naming his after something weaponry related."

[Though, the 'armor' part might be pretty tempting to use too.]

"You think you would only use that line if he asked for a co-"

>EWEWEWEWEWEWWWWWWWSTOOOOOP!

"What? Twilight, safety is important, who knows what he might catch!"

>SPIKE, WANT FREEDOM?

{Yeah?}

>SET FIRE TO PINKIE!

{Done and done!}

"I REGRET NOTHING!"

[You should.]

>YOU'RE NEXT!

'...I love it when we hang out.'

>BUUUUUURNNN!

"WHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOP!"

'So much...'
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non-canon
>chrysalis
"Twilight"
~~~
"You are your own heart?"

>Well, apparently.

"How does that even work out?"

>... I'm trying to figure that out, but I think it's something like...

rolls around, her eyes green with mind control, futilely trying to reach her own chest cavity, but unable to manage

"Why not just try telekinesis? Or better yet, just mind zot yourself into thinking you already did?"

>Look, sparklebutt, this is tradition, and we changelings don't have a lot but we have to keep what we got.

"I'm just saying!"

Chrysalis goes back to rolling

"Why not just try telekinesis?"

>Hey! That just might-AHHHHGGGGHHHHHHH!

"AAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

>AGHHHHHHHBBLLLL!

"PUTITBACKPUTITBACKPUTITBAAAAACK!"

>AHHHHHGBBLBLBLGLKKK!

"AHHHHHHHHH-"

~~~~~~

"...I can explain."

Everyone just stared at her, looked at the corpse, then back to her.

"...It was aliens..."
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>DT
"SS"
'Spike'
[42]
{77}
-Cheerilee-

~~~~
DT suddenly bolts right up on her bed
>Shit fucks, I got so caught up I almost completely forgot!

"Wha? What is it?"

>We still need to do a quick gun club meet up!

"But aren't they beginning to sleep by n-"

>No time! We go now!
She rushes out the door carrying SS

~~Twilight and the gang's room~~
'I'm glad you invited me over Twi. All this running around has been-'
DT kicks the door in and plucks him from his spot.

>NeedSpikeReallyQuickKThanksBye!

'AH!!! DT What are you doing? I still didn't even get to meet Rarity and AJ yet.'

>Seriously? I've been off on my own adventure and you still haven't found them? What the hell have you been doing?! Well too bad. We're doing this now!

~~Cheerilee and 77's room~~
Cheerilee is slightly tied up.

{Ahahaha! I have you now Daring Doo.}

-Ahuizotl I knew you were up to no good. When I get out of here, I'm going to-
DT kicks the door in.

{DT? What are you doing h-}
Grabs 77 and runs out with him

>SorryINeedHim!

{Poppet, why did I just leave Cheerilee tied up?}

>I'll explain once we find 42 and get to the roof

~~The Pool~~
[This is kind of nice. I'm clearing my mind of all-]

>AreYouDoingAnythingImpotantNoGood!
DT throws 42 on her back and runs to the roof.

[DT? Why are you-]

>I'll explain in a bit

~~Roof~~
DT knocks open the door panting.

>Tea check, booze for the older folks check. Great! Let's do this while I'm still in a great mood. Tonight is the anniversary of the formation of the Gun Club and while you've all been doing your own thing, I want to at least have a toast with everyone. I had a whole speech thing about humble beginnings, friendship forged in fire, and a short roast of everypony, but I don't remember it right now so we'll skip to the drinking. After that you can go back to whatever you were doing.

"Oh. Well, happy anniversary everypony!"
She starts passing out cups and pouring drinks.

'That's tonight?'

[I actually don't remember the date when we formally formed the club.]

{I don't remember either. My memory seems hazy about this.}

'Are you sure it's tonight? I mean, it's almost 1, so you're either late or you're celebrating really early.'

>...
She throws her cup and it shatters on Spike's forehead.

'OW! That was uncalled for!'

>You know what? Fuck it. Everything is already gone to shit. I'll just skip to the loud part.
Pulls up TBDRLIATU and fires into the air.
*KABOOOM*
The explosion spells out the words "GUN CLUB RULES" bright in the night sky.
"'{[Ooooooh]}'"

>aaaand I'm spent.
She passes out on the floor sleeping.

"...uh I'll carry her back."
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>18
~~~~

>I am a Changeling Queeeen, young and free, one more than seventeeeen~….

The Changeling formerly known as AJ18 sat before a vanity mirror while she sang, her sweet voice lowering in tempo as she surveyed the many varied types of make-up before her. There were bottles of this, pads of that, and vile mixtures of wrinkle-killing goop.

She hadn’t the first damn clue how to apply any of it, whether the ‘primer’ went on first or second or what; she was just overly ecstatic to be sitting at a desk that wasn’t straining under the weight of stacks of paperwork.

>Hah, I almost forgot what this was like… to not do work… to just relax….

And her Queen be damned was that an odd feeling. Her right hoof almost twitched for a pen that wasn’t there while her left itched to grab a form that didn’t exist.

>No! Bad, 18! There’s no work here, only rest! You stop that!

Even as she scolded herself over it, adding a soft bonk to the head for good measure, one particular piece of legislature jumped to the forefront of her mind, one she knew would trip up those poor temps back in the Empire. They didn't know... they didn't know the horrors hidden between those sentient drafts and invoices....

She sighed.

>Maybe I should’ve brought a few piles with me, just to… just to make sure….

A glance in the mirror revealed a troubled face and she couldn’t help but laugh at herself, a giggle touched with a bit of hysteria.

>Ahhhh, shoot... I really need to get out more. Or laid. Or both. Both sounds good right about now….
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>Sucker Punch
"41"
'JJ'
-Actarius-

>Finally.

"Fiiiinally."

>Sorry I couldn't get you a room by yourself, High Roller's thing was a couples' deal.

"It's kinda fucked he gave up a weekend just to prove to you he's not a spy."

>Yeah, I should get the guy something, maybe tomorrow. Anyway, night.

"Uhhhh, where do you think you're going?"

>The bed?

"Heh, eh eh. Mine."

>Like hell!

"Lady gets the bed, it's etiquette!"

>Etiquette my ass, what if I fall off the couch and the stupid lightning bolt goes off!?

"That's not how that works and you know it!"

>No, I don't know it and neither do you!

"Yeah, well-MINE!"

>MINE!

Both pony and changeling make a dive for the bed, falling on each other in a tangle of limbs, each trying to shove the other off the mattress in a deranged game of King of the Hill. Soon the two are at a stand off at either side of the bed.

>It appears we are-

"Evenly matched, yeah, I know. So we gonna just headbutt and get it over with or-?"

>Not so fast! I have a special secret weapon this time!

Punch brings his Infusion to bear on his rival/friend. She scoffs.

"You're going to use your shocker on me?"

>I got nothing to lose! This shocker is my key to victory!

"Please, I can take it no problem!"

>You can not!

"I can too!"

>I'm super skilled with this!

"Are not, you've only used it twice, and never on a woman!"

>Oh yeah-!?

Something angrily raps on the floor below them.

'Hey! Keep it down up there!'

-Yeah, people are trying to sleep!-

'You should keep this loud stuff to when you're in private!'

>"WAIT WHAT DO YOU THINK WE'RE-!?"

In their haste to address the voices from below, the two combatants look down at the same time and-

CLONK!

And so it was they elected to spend the night in a nice, pleasant, concussed embrace.
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Early non-canon omake
>DT
"SS"
'Spike'
[42]
{77}
~~~~

>I want to make a make a toast to all of you. For being my friends and putting up with me...as I've put up with you too...and don't know how much a privilege it is to be my friends.

'[{....}]'

"Take it. That's the nicest way she'll say it."

>To our wolf pack!

"'[{Cheers!}]'"

~Later in morning in a trashed room of the hotel~

[...Uuuuuugh. What happened? I don't remember drinking that much.]

{Geeez, don't talk so loud, 42...I'm...why is one of your fangs missing?}

[...why are you wearing someone's underwear over your head?]

>Woooo, we partied hard.

{How come I don't remember anything about it?}

>Oh, that's because I put a little something in your drinks.

[You what!? You drugged us!?]

>Oh relax, it was just something a little something to make our night memorable. Besides, I was counting on Spike to take care of us. He's a dragon, so he's probably immune.

[Well, where is he?]

>...huh. I have no idea...this isn't even our room.

"Uh...does anypony know who's baby this belongs to?"
SS holds a baby changeling in her hooves.

>{[WHAT THE FUCK!?!]}
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NC
>77
"Idris"
~~
"Let's consummate our marriage, Gwen."
He turns around and sees 77.

>Princess Twilight sends her regards.
*stabs Idris*
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non-canon
>DT
"42"
~~~
"So... You were upset about Spike and the rest of us forgetting the Gun Club's anniversary?"

>How could you forget! It was an important time for all of us!

"Well, 77 and Spike are both guys, and they never remember important dates. I mean, hell, I feel more like a guy than a woman myself mos-"

>ARE YOU SAYING YOU'RE SOME TUMBLR SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR, TRANSGENDER TYPE?!

"What? No! I'm just saying I'm a tomboy-"

>TRANSVESTITE, THEN? A SWEET ONE FROM TRANSEXUAL TRANSYLVANIA? OR MAYBE YOU'RE JUST JUST GENDER FLUID?

"... We're done talking."

>THAT'S RIGHT, TUMBLRINA! WALK AWAY! YOU CAN'T SHAME MEN INTO NOT FUCKING ME WITH YOUR MATRIARCHAL CONSPIRACY BULLSHIT! AND I'LL MOCK ALL THE GAYS I WANT WITHIN REASON!

"Faust's kid! I need to talk to Spike about giving her the double dragon 'cause that girl needs to get laid by something not a rocket launcher."

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>Twilight
"Spike"
~~~
>Hey, looks who's back! So what was all that about?

Spike just smiles

"Something important with friends. I... I think I need to find Applejack and Rarity soon. I gotta let them know I'll meet them for dinner tomorrow."

>Oh, why so late?

"Tomorrow's the Gun Club's anniversary of course."

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NC
>Spike
"DT"
~~~~~

>WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUUUUCK!?

"...What?"

>How did you manage to fight a giant evil monster clown in the middle of a silly storyline!?

"I dunno. Just fun?"

>How is that fun!?

"TBDRLIATU thought it was fun."

>It's a damn rocket launcher, it doesn't have a brai-

*BOOOM!*

"...Well, good thing this is non-canon. Isn't that right, Spike?"

She picked up his severed head, moving his mouth with her hoof.

">It sure is, DT!"

"That's what I thought."

">But he's still not real."

"YOU SHUT UP!"

*BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM I want a double boom! *

"...This would be hard as hell to explain..."
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NCOmake
>32
"Other32"
~~~~

>So are you like... a split personality? Are you some sort of mental image or something? How can I take over my own brain here?

"Magic."

>That's stu-

"Changeling magic is specifically designed for mental ability. With this, we are able to determine that there is an outside capability to manipulate certain aspects of our mind. If our mental state could be linked to this magic, it would allow us to form new things from said magic, such as when you would occasionally see Twilight bring something to life with magic. We, however, are not so generalized, but as an infiltrator you would have far more exceptional magic in this regard than the normal changeling. Coupled with immense stress and a post traumatic disorder, and you have the me that stands before the you, a byproduct of a mind broken and put back together."

>...

"..."

>..Shut up...
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NComake
>SA
"2"
'???'
~~~~

>Oh, hey, you know what? We need to try some smores tomorrow.

"...Was'a smore?"

>What!? you've never had one!?

"..."

>Try it, you'll love it-

The moment it touched her lips, she was enveloped in a bright, glowing light. A power beyond all measure flowed through her, taking over every inch of her form and bringing with it a majesty that had no words, no song could ever be sung of the beauty that was beheld.

>...

"..."

>..Did... did you just become a Queen?

"Huh."

'OH THAT IS SOME BULLSHIT!'
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NC And lewd

>32
"Other!32"
~~~~~~~

>Sooooo...uh...

"What?"

>Do you subscribe to that one idea?

"What idea?"

>'If you fuck yourself, it's just maturbation'.

"WHAT!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?"

>MONTHS IN A PRISON CELL, JACKASS!
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>Chitania
"Chrysalis"
~~~~

>So, uh, with the chaos magic running around, a sentient toy of me stomping about, and pink and tiny getting her boomstick, you worried we're setting up something... bad?

"...nahhhh."

>Me either, just checking.
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NC
>Filthy Rich
"DT"
~~~~~~

>Okay, sweetie? We might need to have talk.

"YOU CANNOT EVER UNDERSTAND OUR LOOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEEE~!"

>...I was just going to say how proud I was for your fast talking.

"Oh... good."

>..."You can't understand our love"?

"WHAT WE HAVE IS SPECIAL!"
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>Mr. Foalington
"Shining"

Thwump!

"Oof, hey, sorry pal, I wasn't looking where I was going."

>HSSSSSSH!

"Uhhh..."

Shining Armor feels a probig horrible presence in his mind.

"Nngh...what are you...?"

The hooded figure holds up a piece of paper, announcing a 200% increase in the price of standard Tac Mareine squads.

"...you...MONSTER!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NC omake

>Applebloom
"Sweetie Belle"
'Scootaloo'
~~~~

>Gee girls, Ah don't know if we're ever going to be made relevant again.

"I think we're both still in Canterlot. "

'Don't worry. I'm sure there's somebody out there right now, brainstorming how to write us in. We're going to be written in any moment now.'

>"..."

'Yup. Any moment now.'

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Non-canon Omake commentary

>DT
"SS"
~~~~
"Wow, you got a lot of screentime this tread. Both canon and non-canon."

>Hell yeah. It's about time people realized how great I am. When do I get my own header?

"Just because you have a tiara for a cutie mark doesn't mean you're an actual princess."

>Psh, I have a talent for getting things I want. One day I'm going to take over the world and then I really will be a Princess. What does your cutie mark represent?

"I have a talent for good taste. I know good food when I taste it. I'm going to be a food critique someday."

>...really?

"Ha! Nah, this is non-canon. Who knows what our actual talent is."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Non-canon preview

>Pinkie
~~~~~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CoWplXbeUw

DT had one heck of an adventure trying to get TBDRLIAU and we actually did have karaoke(even though it was rendered non-canon), so I wasn't lying. Lots of singing did happen. Rarity and Applejack scramble to find Arana until Rarity discovers there are other things she could detect besides gems. 56 and Dadling eventually pass out in exhaustion when they forget that Luna and Glimmer are nocturnal. How is Fizzle going to get rid of the body of the stripper? Find out next time in thread 33:A Night to Forget...And of course, massive fan service!
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