Thread 35: Stories 16-30

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>12
"13"
~~~

"AND THEN SHE ACTUALLY TALKED TO MEEEEE!"

>Uh huh...

"AND THEN! AND THEN! SHE TOLD ME TO HAVE A GOOD TIME!"

>No kidding...

"AND THEN SHE SAID SHE WAS PROUD OF ME! ME! MEEEEE!"

>Very happy for you.

"WE HAVE THE BEST! QUEEN! EVEEEER!"

>...I'm kind of working, so I mean, I know you want to talk about it-

Without warning, the ride he was operating started shooting sparks.

>...

"Dang it, I'm sorry."

>Did you do that?

"I existed at it, so probably."

>...

"It happens a lot."

>...

"...I'm just gonna go now. OH! You think the Queen is over there next to the fire?"

>Probably?

"OH OH! I need to go make sure she found her friend! If she didn't, I can help her find them, and then she'll be happy again!"

>Bet she will.

"Yay!"

With that, the unlucky changeling set off... and was immediately run over by an out of control food cart.

>...

A slightly bent hoof reached up, and poked the little hairpin on the side of her head.

"It's okay! I'm good!"

Staggering upright, she tried to set off again, only to trip on a pie that had fallen off the food cart and landing face first in a giant pile of gum. Several seconds of trying to struggle loose proved fruitless, so she just ripped it all out of the ground and continued on, face still caked with the substance.

She managed to get pretty far this time, but not so far he couldn't see the bird divebomb her face... and then not come back up.

She was still skipping.

>...Huh.

For the first time in a long, long, long time...

12 said to himself, 'maybe I don't have it so bad.'
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>Guards
"Various Changelings"
'Changeling'
[Guard]
~~~

>Stop it! You stop that right now, you are all being detained!

"WOOOOO!"

"DON"T STOP MAKE IT POP! DJ BLOW MY SPEAKERS UP!"

"CHECK MY PARTY POPPERS!"

>Detained! Locked up! This is not a party!

"LOOK OUT!"

"OH SHIT, IS HE STREAKING!?"

"HE IS!"

"WOOOOOOOOOO!"

"HE'S NUTS, MAN!"

"TOTS CRAY CRAY-"

*SMACK!*

"OW!"

"Don't fucking go there."

"That's just offensive, that's what this is."

>We're serious! No more fun!

"Pal, we kicked you guard's asses back in the day when we were low on love and you guys were actually PREPARED for an attack, we'd kick you guys up one side of the castle and down the other if you wanted a fight."

>You would not!

>We could beat you if we wanted to!

>You wouldn't be able to match us!

"The hell we wouldn't!"

>YOU WANT TO GO!?

"No, I don't need to go, because LASER!"

>ACK!

>WATCH IT!

"I SHOOT LASERS FROM MY HEAD AND I CAN FLY! I AM YOUR GOD!"

>This is bullshit!

"NO! THIS, IS, A, CHANGELING!"

>That's it!

"AHAHAH-OW! Hey! No throwing stuff!"

>IT IS SO ON!

"FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!"

>FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

'...You ever think we're going to get along, like, species wise?'

>GRAAAAHHHHHH!

"LASERBEAAAAAM!"

[...Wouldn't hold my breath.]

>"ARRGGHHHHHH!"
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>Screwloose
“AJ12”
~~~~~

“…Any, uh… particular reason why you’re lying there? Holding onto your stomach?”

>Miiiight have something to do with my arms naturally being this way thanks to this fashionable jacket I’m wearing. Maybe.

“No, I mean, I can see that you’re actually squeezing your sides. So against my better judgement, I’m curious as to why.”

>Because it feels like somepony is digging about my innards with a novice-level grasp of dissection.

“...Yup, too much information. Um, I guess I’m sor-”

>You should be. This is all your fault, you perverted hoof-freak.

“The hooves of an insane mare do nothing for me, believe that. And how is it my fault you’re curled into a ball again?”

>You and that damned donut… I told you that me and sweets are natural enemies but no, you go and leave it behind!

“…You ate it?”

>Of course I did!

“You didn’t have to, you know. You didn’t have to eat it. I honestly just forgot to take it with me in my haste to get the hell out of here.”

>I’m dangerously unstable, not a bitch. And you can make it up to me by offering a leg massage.

“And there goes my ‘stranger danger’ alarm, just a blaring in my head.”

>I have a pair of pliers perfect for disconnecting the wires to that.

“…”

>Don’t look so green, I’m kidding.

“…”

>Okay so I wasn’t but really, I feel like a tube of my intestine is being sautéed and flipped, ugh…

“…”

>I already vomited once already so if you have to blow chunks, aim it at the bucket over there.

“…Welp, would you look at the time!”

>But there’s no clock in-

“Best be gettin’ to my other job now!”

>Speaking of, where else does a pervert like you manage to find work?

“Part-time mechanic up on Party Land, Screws.”

>First, you’ve got one more time to call me that before things get dicey, perv. That name comes at a price I don’t think you’re Changeling enough to pay just yet. And second, how do you manage to get up there and then back down here…?

With a blink, 12 merely twitched the wings on his back.

>Ah.

“It really only takes about five hours flight, depending on where it’s floated off to. And theeeeen another five hours back here…”

>…Aren’t you tired?

“Unfathomable so.”

>Then sit your ass down and massage my hooves.

“Wow. Don’t know why I was expecting a little bit of sympathy.”

>After the hell you’ve put my stomach through? You’re lucky I don’t inject a donut directly into your veins. Now, sit down, get to work and so help me, if I see you start to drool….

She trailed off threateningly as 12 flopped down on the floor and grabbed one of her back hooves.

“I’ll try to contain my excitement.”

>Nnnnnh... theeeeere we go….

[…You know he’s supposed to be changing your sheets, fixing your lunch, sweeping, mopping, and scrubbing that rat blood off the walls, right?]

>Yeah, but for right now this takes precedence.

“Who in the hell are you talking too…?”

[You know, you’re a nice mare, Screws, even if you think your hooves are too steeped in blood.]

>Shut up, Tinny, and you, hoof-slave, less talk, more kneading, I want to feel it.
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>Idris
"Gwen"
'Rekulk'
-Vekir-
~Grehm~

>-and so it was that my ancestor, King Godfrey the Fifth, drove his blade into The Severer's scaly chest and the monstrous invader was slain!

'-~Ooooh...~-'

>Afterwards he skinned the creature and used its hide as a grand tapestry in his throne room.

'Is it still there, honored King?'

>Sadly no, it was taken during our war with the Mongrel Horde.

"Otherwise known as the fifth time our race almost got wiped out."

>Damned thing is probably rotting away in some storeroom of the Howling Pit. Confounded Diamond Dogs have no concept of true value. Just shiny things.

'...shiny does not equal valuable?'

>Well yes in some cases, but there is value in history, too. Have you not some heirloom, Morlock? Some object of great importance?

-The head of metal! The keeper of wisdom!-

>Aha! See, I-wait, what?

~Head of metal. Came from the surface long ago, a being of steel that Zhetri Tuuhl-~

"There's that name again..."

~-filled with knowledge from the City of White and gave to us as a teacher.~

>...metal being? You mean a robot?

'Yes, yes that is thing!'

>Dear, didn't that Prince attempt a revolt with an army of the things?

"Yes, Blueblood. He built a great host and tried to overtake the Princesses."

>Ha, foolishness. I don't care how much that preening pony declares her robots superior, no creature of circuits and steel can outclass a living being! I...are you three alright?

The Morlocks' jaws have almost hit the floor.

"Uh..."

'The Blood of Blue MADE the Head of Metal!?'

-CRAZINESS!-

~Is this a certainty?~

>Unless another robot started wandering around your caves.

'...I am ashamed.'

"Huh?"

'I have met this Blood of Blue, when he, Spike of Scales, Diamond Princess, and I searched our caves for the Harmless Spider. I mocked him incessantly! Now you are telling that he was responsible for our wise teacher!? My shame knows no bounds...'

-It is a horrible ironing.-

"Irony."

'Taste of your drink is not important right now! I must apologize to Blood of Blue as soon as we return! Now I too must find a gift!'

-HURRAH! The quest for things begins a new!-

'Grehm! I entrust the safety of the Gryphons to you! Armor on!'

-Armor on!-

The two Morlocks' armor encapsulates them and they run out of the hall in short order.

>...

"..."

~...~

>So...have any family?

~One mate, four sons, one daughter.~

"No brothers or sisters?"

~Eaten.~

"How terrible, what kind of creature did that?"

~Mother.~

>"...BARKEEP, MORE MEAD!"
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>AJ
"Rarity"
'Actarius'
[JJ]
{Arana}
~~~

>What the hay were ya'll thinkin'!?

"We were scared half to death! We were up all night looking for you!"

{I'm sorry...}

'Wait, really? I left a message with the front desk that I had her. Didn't they call you?'

>NO!

"...They might've, actually, we weren't even in our room for more than a minute before we ran out. And we never asked the front desk if we had any messages."

>...Uh...

"Thank you both so much for looking out for her, by the way."

'Soldiers never stop being soldiers, Highness, we just take breaks sometimes.'

>Oh? You're a guard?

'Sure! Heck, Princess Applejack probably knows me, we've met a bunch.'

>..........

'Uh, right?'

>..........

[Hoo boy.]

'Come on, you remember Jugglejack, name! Remember? He even said it in the courtyard that one day!'

>..................

{Her eye's twitchin'. That's not good, that's normally what happens before a ponies heart explodes! DON'T EXPLODE YOUR HEART, APPLEJACK!}

>I uh...

'You have no idea who I am, do you?'

>N-no! Ah' uh-well-uh-

'Private Actarius-'

>ACTARIUS! RIGHT AH' KNEW THATAHAHAH! A-Ah' just... wanted ta' make sure Ah' said it right! It's a hard name ta' say with mah' accent! Right! Totally knew-

"Not working at all."

>...Ya'll just look the same, ya' know?

'No no, I uh... I understand. It's not your job to know all of us, I don't hold it against you.'

[I know that feel, buddy.]

'Yeah, guess you would. He knows feeling'

[Especially with him.]

'Lots of feels with him.'

>Well... uh, shoot, now Ah' kinda feel bad. Ya' look after someone Ah' was s'posed ta' be lookin' out fer, and Ah' can't even remember yer' name. Ah'm sorry.

'Majesty, like I said. I'm a soldier in your employ, this is my duty to do, and I'm happy to do it for you.'

>Ya' didn't have ta' spend too much on rides, did ya'? Ah' know how much we pay ya'll.

'...'

"Oh dear, that bad?"

'It's not an issue, really. You didn't order me to look after her, this was my own choice-'

>Just fill out a form so Ah' can pay ya' back. Fer everythin'... including the rest o' yer' trip.

'You don't have to-'

>That's an order.

'...Yes ma'am!'

[Oh cool! I was worried we were going to break Actarius's bank at this rate. At least something isn't getting broken this time!... and hopefully my back won't get broken this time either.]

'I told you that was a bad idea!'

[Hey, I thought it was a pretty neat idea in theory.]

>Uh...

[Let's just say I'm great as a catcher, but doing it while flying is not something you just jump right into.]

"...Right... Well, we'd best be off-"

{OH OH OH! Can we go to the amphitheater now?}

"Why on earth do you want to go there?"

{Dunno, Spike just seems to want us to meet up.}

>And jus' how in tarnation do you know... huh...

"Has that been up there this whole time?"

{Since around the same time as the fireball, I think.}

>Fireball!?

'There was a fireball?'

[Totally missed that.]

{Don't worry, it was way over there, away from Spike's fire!}

"Did you know about this!?"

...

"Oh, right, still unconscious..."

>Should we get him medical attention?

"There's a tent next to the theater."

>Two birds, one stone! Great!

"Fluttershy hates it when you use that term-"

>Don't care, C'mon you three!

[Sure.]

'Just like that?'

[I've learned not to question the immortal super-beings when they order me around.]

'...Fair point.'

>Come on!
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NON-CANON!
>Coronatus
"Saturnia"
'Annelida'
{???}
~~~

>That's stupid.

"So... so stupid."

'IT COULD WORK!'

>No, it really, really could not.

"For just, so many reasons."

'I just need to get her drunk and-'

>No. Just... no. Somehow we are on step one, we've run into so many problems, and this is still by far the easiest and sanest part of all of this.

'You give me one reason it can't work!'

>You want to do it or should I?

"May I?"

>Go for it.

"Okay... Anny? Follow me here, it's not complicated... Chitania... IS FEMALE. She CANNOT GET YOU PREGNANT."

'But think about how powerful my hive would be! They would kick all kinds of ass!'

>Don't think it's getting through to her.

"Basic concept, you know?"

>No no no, I'm with you, this should not be so big a problem. Just basic biology getting in the way, right? No tab A to insert into slot B.

{Wellll, if you're looking for growing external protrusions-}

>AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
'AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!'

>NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

"SHE'S RIGHT FUCKING ABOVE US NOPE NOPE NOPE!"

'THE SPIDER MONSTER IS GOING TO EAT MY BRAIIIIIN! SAVE ME CHITTY!'

*BOOKS IT LIKE TWILIGHT DURING A READ-A-THON*

{...Fine, didn't want to hang out with you guys anyway.}
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The moon hung high over the city of Trottigham, otherwise illuminated by dim and flickering streetlights, a low fog pervading the deserted city streets. All the well-to-do citizenry of the fair city had gone to sleep.

The ne'er do well's...not so much.

The clatter of hoof on cobblestone echoed through the night, the four shadowy earth ponies zigzagging through darkness to not be detected, sacks clutched in their mouths bouncing on their backs. The leader gave a nod, veering into a narrow alleyway, his cronies following quickly after him. They stopped and circled, content with their concealment, the leader nodded to his underlings.

"Right lads, let's see our haul."

As one the three no good hoods upend their sacks, causing candlesticks, jewelry, and various other objects of worth to clatter to the ground.

"Not like THAT ya gobshites! Ya wanna wake up the whole neighborhood!?" The leader growled, "Scoop 'em up!"

"Right, boss!" His minions said in unison.

"Boss...what'cha got in yer sack?" One of the two-bit thugs asked.

"Good question, Two-Bit, stop askin' 'em, before ya get a big head!" The Boss grinned wolfishly, "Ya see what I got's more valuable than anything you mugs got, 'cuz old Penny Pincher himself is gonna pay out of his tight arse to get it back!"

"Ooh, can we see it?" Two-Bit asked.

"Mmm...don't see why not," The Boss yanked his bag over and roughly shook its contents out.

A bound, gagged, and extremely terrified unicorn filly.

"Introducin' Miss Platinum Diamond," Boss smirked, "And if old Penny Pincher wants to see his little girly again, he'd best be willin' to pay a sum equal to that stupid name!"

"Mmmph!" The filly squealed under her bindings.

"Oh boy, kidnappin', Boss? We're movin' up in the world!"

"Heh, I know, we'll be a mob before long! We're a rabble as it is!"

"Mmph!"

"Quiet, you!"

"Mmmmmph!"

"Whaddya mean, above us?"

"Mmphmphmphhhh!"

"Huh!?"

As one the dastardly desperadoes looked up at the imposing figure hanging like a gorilla from the ledge of one of the buildings above.

"Surrender the filly and the stolen items at once or face justice!" It said in a robotic growl.

"Aw jeez...it's...it's..." Two-Bit began.

"THE WATCHDOG!" Boss hissed, "Yew think we're scared of yew ya tin-plated freak!?"

"We ain't?" Two-Bit blinked.

"I'm psychologic'n him, ya mook! Quiet!" Boss growled.

"It's porcelain actually, but nice try," The Watchdog replied, "Now-"

Bang!

A pistol shot rang out, smashing into the creature's shoulder and causing it to fall from its perch and behind a dumpster. Boss rounded on the goon that fired the shot.

"Yew moron! That'll bring Shetland yard running!" Boss shouted, "I said no battle saddles!"

"But it was a new magnum model from Fawntaine, Boss, I couldn't resist!"

"We gotta get outta-!"

"Fawntaine...?" The voice of the Watchdog rumbled from behind the dumpster.

"Uhhh..."

"Fawn...taine!?" The voice shook with rage.

"Cheese it!" Boss shouted, scooping up the young heiress filly and running off, Two-Bit close behind, just before the dumpster was yanked from the ground and tossed like a toy at the two goons, sending the flying.

"FAWNTAAAAAAIIIINE!"

The Watchdog leapt forward, tearing the battle saddle off the pony that had used it and throwing it into the open dumpster.

"Whew, man, I HATE those guys...what was I doing?" The canine blinked, then noticed the two retreating form, "Oh shit, right!"

With all the speed of a cheetah and the grace of a concussed orangutan, the Watchdog pursued the two ponies.

"Bollocks, Boss! He's catchin' up!" Two-Bit shouted, "We gotta outrun him!"

"Actually, ya ever hear the one about the two hunters and the angry Ursa Major?" Boss asked.

"No!"

"Good!" Boss stuck out one of his back legs, sending his crony tumbling in the Watchdog's way. The would-be kingpin smirked at his doublecross, he had never liked Two-Bit. Stupid mom always making the moron tagalong! At least now he'd trip that scary dog up and-...where'd the dog go?

WHUMP!

He smacked into a massive porcelain body, sending him bouncing off and away.

"I can jump, stupid," The Watchdog said, annoyance in his tone, "Now gimme the girl!"

"Never! She's my retirement fund! I can get outta the game with his ransom!"

"...dude, you look like, seventeen, nineteen tops."

"Shaddup!" Boss shouted and scrambled into another, narrower alley, turning, "Follow me in HERE, dickbag!"

"Don't swear in front of the kid," The Watchdog grumbled.

"Don't tell me what to do!" Boss turned and waggled his rear tauntingly at the bionic canine, "You're too fat to get in here!"

Skrrrrrrk! SNAP!

Boss blinked and turned, "What was tha-AAAAAH!"

Boss jerked forward as the streelight the Watchdog ripped from the ground was used as a makeshift hook to yank him back into the street. He was sent sprawling and his captive went flying, caught by a giant porcelain hand. The little filly was sat down, untied, and given a pat on the head.

"Walk ya home in a minute, kiddo, but first, I gotta take care of the bad man, kay?" Watchdog nodded to the filly.

"Kay, mister..." The filly answered nervously, "You're not gonna eat him, are ya? Nanny says you do that to bad men."

"What!? No! Yeesh, you ponies are weirdos, I'm just gonna tie him up with this streetlamp, see?"

WHRRRRRRRK!

"Like a balloon animal!"

"Neat!"

"Ungh..."

Platinum's horn glowed, throwing a pebble in Boss' face.

"Meanie!"

"Ok, do me a favor and watch him, ok? I gotta go tie up his friends," Watchdog gave her another pat on the head.

"Sure, Mr. The Watchdog!" The filly gave a little hop of excitement.

The Watchdog lumbered away, content.

This beat the living shit out of ringing a bell.
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>42
"Brain"
~~

>FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

"Don't get my hopes up."

>SHUT THE FUCK UP THIS IS BAD!

"How bad?"

>BAD!

"Bad how?"

>CRYING CADDY BAD!

"That's bad."

>SHE'S HEADED THAT WAY!

"And you can't catch her?"

>SHE IS SO FUCKING FAST!

"She is that. Little ball of energy, that one."

>HELP!

"Curl into a ball and cry?"

>NOT HELPFUL!

"Welp, I'm out of ideas."

>....FUCK YOU!

"It's your own fault."

>HOW!?

"I'm your brain?"

>...Shut up.
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non-canon (just writing up a bit of a concept I had wanted to use but can't see it as working anymore)

"I know what your problem is, it's a strange mix of humility and pride. You feel you were born, or at least your whole life hinges on a single purpose, and when you feel you've failed that purpose, you start to throw a hissy fit.

Now let's be fair though, you have reasons to, even if only perceived. To the rest of the world, you're a whiny little bitch who can't appreciate what they have. But what do you they know? How much have they sacrificed in pursuit of what they believed was destiny? Even now I doubt Sparkle's ever had to give up much to get her wings. Hey, don't look at me like that!

Anyway though, all of them seem to be filled with limitless potential and options. You feel like you've only had one your entire life. Pride compels you to try to fulfill that purpose better and better, humility keeps you from seeing yourself as deserving of anything else.

You know how I recognize all this? Because its like looking at an old photo of myself. I see you and I see my younger self. Except I didn't have the humility factor going for me."

"And what it took was for you and Sparkle to come along and shatter both my worlds after I had tried to destroy yours to wake up to the reality every teenager I know has had to. I realized I am not essential, that I have no purpose or destiny beyond my design and those others have had for me, and from that, I have even less because our goals end up as a trainwreck somewhere.

So what I learned to do was take things one day at a time. Even live in the moment. Every day, I wake up and try to make it through life, each hour, I hope to get through classes. Sure, I have plans and goals. I want to try to get back in Brad's pants, I want to have a snack after school, I want to see if I can steal Scratch's earbuds and see if I can avoid instant death. I want to do my best in school, get a nice job, have a good life. But beyond the vague things, I keep focused on what's happening in the here and now around me. And at the end of the day, I think to myself 'that's one more day I made it through'. You feeling me, Spike?"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>SA
"???"
~~~~~~

He was quiet as a mouse as he snuck up on her. He had managed to spot her distinct coloration even in the middle of the crowd, and had decided that he was going to go the subtle route and not tackle her in public. Strangling, however, was very much on the table.

She was distracted as he narrowed in behind her hoof itching to give her a stern smack right to the back of the head. Oh, she was going to get it...

His foreleg reached up, his mouth opened wide for a scream, and...

She turned around and it all left him.

>....Damn it, 18...

"Were you going to hit me? You look like you were about to hit me."

>I thought you were Cadence!

"Oh, you flatterer! Praising my abilities as they grow every day!"

>...You are, you know. It's actually getting pretty hard to tell you two apart sometimes. Like now. If I hadn't seen that 'Oh what a day' look, I'd have probably popped you one.

"Eeesh, do I need to buy her some sunglasses?"

>Ha. Ha.

"Domestic abuse is never funny, Shiny."

>Guessing you haven't seen her?

"Actually, yes and no."

>...

"She totally WASN'T over there, next to the bouncy castle about thirty minutes ago. But I wouldn't know, I was compelled to ignore this one area for a set amount of time by nobody."

>...

"...Chrysalis also didn't step on her."

>That bad?

"I'm doing damage control for whatever it is she did, thank you."

>Noticed, and I thank you. But you don't need to, you know. Cadence is a big mare.

"Yes, well, I need our image to be exemplary for foreign relations. Haggling with Appleoosa is a lot easier if they think we're shining beacons of love and efficiency."

>You do remember you're on vacation, right?

"Oh, is that why I'm here? I thought I finally snapped and escaped into my mind."

>...

"Crazier shit has happened."

>Right. Well... after I find Cadence, I do still owe you a ride, don't I?

"..."

>...Walked right into that one.

"I am trying SO HARD to hold it in."

>No no, go ahead, let it out.

"Funny, I was just about to take you over to that storage closet and say the same thing to you! Talk about a vacation, WOO!"

>Never turns off with you, does it?

"Nope, but I'm turned on a lot. Want me to show you how that feels?"

>And now I regret unleashing you.

"He said to "The General", knowing he was going to be pounding away until he lost all feeling in his legs."

>...

"..."

>...You done? Keep going if you want.

"See, that's how I know you're a great guy, Shiny, you asked ME that, I didn't end up asking you."

>...

"...And now I'm all finished up. Want me to help you find Caddy? I realize just me alone isn't enough for you, and I could probably use the company."

>...

"...Now I'm done."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>56
“Dadling”
‘???’
-???-
________

>She’s so cool, ain’t she?

“Noooot really… but at least I see where Glims gets her fugly sleeping habits from, geez.”

The two Changelings, having jimmied their way into the room, now stood before their snoozing muses, the larger of the two on her side, limbs every which way while the smaller one used the larger as a pillow of sorts, although her neck looked absolutely cracked.

“Where are those caramel apple things you’d won for Luna?”

>What, those? Pfffft, I ate them so long ago!

“Such love.”

>Yup! Now how d’ya think we oughta wake ‘em? The day’s a-wastin’!

“Wake up two mares with proven ‘morning psychosis’? No. No, see, that’s stupid. How about we don’t and just continue to watch them? That way we don’t die. I don’t know about you but I’m good with not dying, I don’t cotton to dying.”

>Nope! I got a better plan, check this out!

“Oh dear God what’re you- wait, wait, wait, why’re you getting behind Luna like that? And why’re you grabbing her plot like- 56 NO!”

PBLTBTBTBTBTBTB

As the little Changeling proceeded to raspberry the hell out of Luna’s backside, the princess in question only offered a soft huff, still asleep aside from a slight wing shuffle.

“…Oh praise Celestia, I thought I was going to miss the birth of my child for a second there.”

>Whaaaat? That didn’t work? That usually gets her up….

“Maybe she’s just tired. She IS a princess on break after all.”

>Nah, she’s pretty sedentary, NTL.

“Don’t call me that, you idiot. And how do you know a word like sedenta-”

>Hey, maybe you should try it on preggers?

“…HA! Ahahaha, you- pfffft! Y-you must want me to die or something! Hahaha, no.”

-Aww, really? I was just looking forward to a nice butt massage, too.-

>Preggers! You’re aw- OW!

-That’s not my name, kid.-

>…why did I want you awake again? OW!

-Because you’re just such a helpful little kid. And as for my princess, there’s only one way to wake her after she really gets dreaming. And that would be this.-

Still ruffling her hair, Glimmer bent over Luna’s prone form and captured the base of her ear between her teeth, giving it a gentle yet firm gnawing.

A few seconds of leg-kicking and groaning later, Luna’s eyes blinked apart and she sat up with a great yawn.

-Good morning, my princess.-

‘Mmm, by Starswirls fusty beard… how long were we out?’

-Oh, a little bit longer than usual. The others’re already out and about so we should join them, I think.-

‘Excellent idea, Glimglam. …And what’s wrong with these two here? Why’re they frozen so?’

Frozen was an accurate tag as both 56 and Dadling were indeed motionless, their eyes wide and cheeks a very delicate shade of cerise.

‘Hello?’

>…

“…”

‘Why is your muses nose bleeding…?’

-Never you mind, princess, these two are just idiots. Come, we have another day ahead of us.-

Only the significant click of a door being closed snapped the two Changelings out of their stupor.

“Ugh… damn that mare of mine, not fair. Not fair at all….”

>What… what was that? Why’s my heart jumpin’ like a rabbit?

“Forget it, 56. Didn’t you have a question to ask Luna? Something about the last day?”

>Huh? What’re you- OH! Oh yeah! Moons! Hey Moons! Wait up!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>29
"MM"
'Trixie'
[Zecora]
{Vendor}
~~~~~~~

>What in the devils forgotten name!?

"Huh. That's... huh."

'There is a GREAT and POWERFUL question burning in my head. Why?'

[Knowing the source from which this is based, don't you think this in terrible taste?]

{I just work here, lady. I don't order the stock.}

>What madness drove those who run this misbegotten place to obtain such a figure as this!? What drove those of wielders of plastic and entertainment to forge such a thing? What- NO YOU CAN'T HAVE ONE! Just... NO!

{...}

"Don't ask."

'...Trixie kind of wants one.'

"She almost crushed us!"

'Crushed YOU, the GREAT and POWERFUL TRIXIE could have teleported away at the moment of danger!...She just didn't feel like it.'

[I am ashamed to admit, though her face give quite the freight, there is something about all of the colors that makes it a delight.]

"That's how they get you. Same mold, but different colors and hair and 'personality'. That way you get suckered into thinking all of these things that are at their base the same are different because of a new hairstyle."

>THE FIENDS! Do you have nothing of substance!?

{Sure, we've got a couple paintings by Ponet over there, and we've got audiobooks-}

>HUZZAH! "The Revolution Betrayed" by Trotsee! This is exactly what I was looking for!

'...'
[...]
"...Uh, Niney? Do we need to have a talk about my job again?"

>It's not for me you silly mare, though with how that wide hipped monster treats me sometimes I certainly find kinship in this work... no, this is for the poor soul who could not join us on our quest for merriment.

"Oh, you mean 32. Aw, that's nice of you."

>Let it never be said I do not have a heart.

'...Trixie is buying this.'

"WHAT THE FUCK!?"

'What!? It's just Destructainia, she fights Chitania! She's not a good guy!... wait...'

[Just when I think you can get no duller... it's the same thing! It's just a different color!]

'It is not!'

>...

'TRIXIE IS STILL BUYING IT! NEH!'

>...Sigh...
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NC
>2
"SA"
~~~~~~

>POSERS!

"Sweetie, take off the wool cap and tight jeans, now."

>I was hearin' stories about Thuntainia before it was cool!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Non-canon
I heard a song, remembered a scene, and felt inspired.

>18
"42"
~~~~

~In the Castle of the Crystal Empire during the Cordyceps outbreak~
BGMhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcgEHrwdSO4

"Nice to see you 18. Don't know why you're doing papers in a time like this. This outbreak is getting crazier and crazier am I right?"

>I should have known...

"What?"

>I should have known all this time. I just get rejected each and every time I try to seduce Shiny. Sure he appreciates me doing all this work, but this is all I ever do and all I ever WILL do. I'll never accomplish my true mission. What's the point of all love I receive when I can't get it from the one I really want.
Multiple tendrils sprout from her back and fungus-like tumors start growing on her chitin.

"No...it can't be...don't tell me you're infected!?!"

>I don't know why I bother to help. I'll never even manage a pity fuck. What's the point doing work for the Crystal Empire when everyday is just a nightmare. The papers...they haunt my dreams, 42. I fight and fight, but they just keep coming. Then I wake up...and realize they don't go away.

"Fight it, 18! Think of positive thoughts! Don't let the cordyceps gain control of you!"

>I can't...There's no point to it...I just can't do it anymore....I'm such a fool.
The tendrils whip about wildly and 42 gets knocked backwards.

"18!!!!!"
Papers fly everywhere in a whirlwind. As another tendril lunges at 42, she jumps out the door and shuts it tight.

"Shit....SHIT!!!"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Blueblood
“PJ”
‘???’
~~~~~

“What exactly is this lady doing to me…?”

>From what I can see sheeee’s… taking your measurements.

‘Quite the scrawny one, aren’t you? Especially in the rear. Unsatisfactory.’

“Well excuse me for not having a ginormous ass like Chrysalis, or Luna, or Celestia… or Applejack… or 18….”

>You can stop now.

“…Thanks, I was beginning to bum myself out.”

‘A lackluster diet of potatoes will do that to you. You’re all lean muscle and sk- uh, chitin.’

“DON’T YOU MOCK MY POTA- GNNF!”

>Here, eat one. I’ll handle this.

“Mmmph rmmgh….”

>Now, um… miss? Who are you and why are you wrapping my friend in tape?

‘My name is Ms Harshwhinny, and your associate here is absolutely undernourished. Why, how she ever hopes to compete when she’s the width of a toothpick is beyond me. And you, you vagabond, you look hardly a bit better.’

>Yes, well, I suppose prison-time will do that to a fellow, rob him of his youthful demeanor and well-fed visage.

“MMGH!”

‘Yes, you mangy thing, I have take measurements there as well, along the inner thigh and up. Now hold still, have a little professionalism about you!’

“Nnnnnnh… m-mmmpgh nnph….”

>…Wow. I… wow. And to think, I would’ve missed that had I still been locked- HEY! No potato throwing!

“Pmmgh!”

>I didn’t see anything, I promise!

‘To think a prince would be so terrible at lying. Disgraceful.’

>Terrible at lying, terrible at assassination, terrible at robot-building… the list could go on and on.

‘Quite the unprofessional one, aren’t we?’

>Very. But moving along, what’s all this measuring for exactly? You never said, ma’am.

‘Respectful at least. With permission from this thing’s leader-’

>Her name is PotatoJack, or PJ.

‘…really?’

>Really.

‘With permission from, ugh… PJ’s leader, I’ve come to scope out her minions, see if they’re capable of attending the next Equestria Games event.’

>…And you called me a disgraceful liar.

‘Pardon?’

>Nothing.

“Mmmnh- guh!”

‘Annnnd that just about does it. Tell me, where is your leader bug? I must have a word with her.’

>Chrysalis isn’t here right now, she’s at Party Land with my auntie.

‘Tsk! Well fine, I suppose I can make do with Ms PJ’s b-… bodily measurements today. Yes, thank you very much, I shall return.’

“…Gnngh mmpgh.”

>She did? Where?

PJ extended one of her backlogs where there sat the tiniest of cuts.

>…Want me to… kiss it? Is that right? Is that what someone does for someone else’s injury?

“Mnh…”

>Huh? Why am I an idiot?
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________