While it's something I try not to talk about much and DEFINITELY not something I want to darken peoples' lives with, it would probably not take many people by surprise to learn that I have been having problems with my mental health for a long time now.  I struggle a lot with pretty severe depression and anxiety, as well as physical problems such as involuntary muscle jerks and sleep apnea, which wear me out and make the mental problems harder to cope with.  It's hard to say which problems are being caused by which, but these are all definitely tangled up into one big ball of problems.

It's hard to tell when the mental issues started, because like most things, they started out small and gradually got worse to the point where I noticed them as an actual problem a few years ago.  The muscle jerks though, I can date back to over a decade ago.  Like the mental problems, they started out small and gradually increased in severity to the point where they are a legit issue for me most days.  I also have ridiculous problems with my memory, which tends to be more of an embarrassment than an actual issue, and have developed a stammer, which makes talking difficult (and is one of the reasons I can't stream as much as I used to, along with extremely low energy).

Today, with Emi's help, I took a step towards helping myself with these problems.  I booked a meeting with a therapist.  He specializes in cognitive-behavioral therapy, as well as self-compassion focused therapy.  The meeting will take place on Thursday, which gives me enough time to steel myself mentally without giving me too much time to worry about how it will go.  I'm definitely nervous, because I don't talk about these kind of things very often and talking about them with a stranger feels downright wrong.  But if this is something that can help lessen the garbage I deal with, it's something I want and need to do.

I know most of you won't really be interested in any of this information, and that's totally fine.  I'm writing this up for two reasons.  One, this is my personal blog and I can write what I want - and writing about it is helping lessen my nervousness about the whole situation.  And two, most of you are here because of my art, and there is a very real chance that my art output might suffer as a result of the outcomes of my therapy.  To put it mildly, I have been working for years at a pace that is....less than sustainable.  I've almost burnt myself out multiple times, and it's taken its toll.  I've known this for a long time, but due to various reasons, I haven't really been able to get myself to slow to a healthier pace.  There is a chance that, during the course of this therapy, I may need to reduce the amount of time and energy I devote to art.  If that happens, I'll worry about the financial and other ramifications of that later.

Of course, there's a chance that this therapy thing might not work out for me at all and I go back to business as normal, dealing with this the best I can.  Or there's a chance that things in me will be fixed before long and none of this will matter.  Or there's a chance that I could win the lottery and never have to worry about work again and just draw what I want to for the rest of my life.  It could happen!  But being realistic, the chances are high that, somewhere down the line soon, I will not be as active as I am now.

I doubt that I'm going to talk much here about my therapy and how it's going, so don't worry if you don't want to hear about it.  I would ask for your prayers though, for those of you who are given to prayer, and for your well wishes, for those of you who aren't.  The future is scary, and the prospect of changing my life up even more is a little terrifying!  But whatever happens, I'm going to make it.  Stay excellent to each other, y'all, and thanks for reading this <3