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- 1. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
- 2. Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong."
- 3. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
- Outlaws are wanted.
- 4. I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
- He said "Thanks."
- I said "Don't mention it."
- 5. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
- 6. I poured root beer in a square glass.
- Now I just have beer.
- 7. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
- 8. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
- 9. My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."
- 10. And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.
- But John came fifth and won a toaster.
- 11. How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
- Is it one or two? One... or two?
- 12. What do we want?
- Low flying airplane noises!
- When do we want them?
- NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.
- 13. So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.
- 14. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
- Phillipe Phillope.
- 15. What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
- A carrot.
- 16. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
- A labracadabrador.
- 17. How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.
- 18. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
- 19. Why did the old man fall in the well?
- Because he couldn't see that well.
- 20. This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
- 21. I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
- 22. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
- I said "40."
- 23. I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
- It's shift work.
- 24. I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.
- 25. I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
- 26. What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
- 27. Wife says to her programmer husband, "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen."
- Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.
- 28. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
- Aye matey.
- 29. Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.
- 30. What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common?
- Icy dead people.
- 31. Knock Knock
- Who's There?
- Dishes
- Dishes Who?
- Dishes Sean Connery.
- 32. Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other "I need you to help me get to the other side!"
- The other guy replies "You are on the other side!"
- 29. Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.
- 30. What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common?
- Icy dead people.
- 31. Knock Knock
- Who's There?
- Dishes
- Dishes Who?
- Dishes Sean Connery.
- 32. Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other "I need you to help me get to the other side!"
- The other guy replies "You are on the other side!"
- 37. My friends say there's a gay guy in our circle of friends... I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.
- 38. I've been told I'm condescending.
- (that means I talk down to people)
- 39. How did the hipster burn his mouth?
- He ate the pizza before it was cool.
- 40. What's ET short for?
- He's only got little legs.
- 41. Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
- 42. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
- They don’t meet the koalafications.
- 43. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
- 44. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
- 45. Some people think it's romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date.
- I'm more worried about why they're bringing a knife on their date.
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