CATBEASTS

Captain's Log
Edgar T. Bumblechumps

Oh boy, a new day on a new station, and I'm picked to be the captain of it all! There's a nice white ceremonial outfit and beret in my closet. It's a good day to be fancy. Dressed to the nines, my first act as Captain is to declare an official Assistant Appreciation Day. A security guard broadcasts "The captain is named Edgar T... Bumblechumps? What the fuck? Really?"

For this rudeness, I take the donuts from the brig. A guard sees me in the security office and yells at me to get out, I show them my captain ID and they start custom emoting something about how hard they'll come down on me if I don't leave. Fine, fuck them. I take the donuts to the library and offer them to the assistants as part of Assistant Appreciation Day. No assistants showed up, I joke that all assistants are now wanted for arrest for being rude. Many responses return of "you can't arrest them for that, is that a joke? don't joke about space law!! u are a shit captain!!"

I then proceeded to the bar and notice a delicious pie in the chef's window. I eat said pie. Chef starts screaming about his pie disappearing while it was cooling. I say over the radio that it must have been the bartender (one of those dumb whitelist catperson furries), who starts yelling "Ra'ja not take pie! Ra'ja not eat pie! Bad captain eat pie!" Four guards, the detective and the HoS show up to investigate this pie theft. The bartender and chef accuse me, I call it a horrible conspiracy. Multiple security guards start custom-emote cracking their knuckles or tapping their batons. As captain, I declare the case closed. As I leave, I hear them arguing over the security channel about whether they should put me on trial and have me stripped of command for eating that pie.

Later I'm walking around checking out some stuff around the bridge. I bump into the AI upload door and it opens, but the guard who threatened me earlier sees that and starts screaming bloody murder about it. Every guard and station head shows up, everyone screams at me for opening that door without consulting everyone first. CE starts threatening yelling that she'll beat the shit out of me if she ever sees me in any room without a good reason again. I recommend that they all go relax at the beach area for a bit. My suggestion is not heeded.

I return to my office and notice a maint door near my bed. This leads to the teleporter. While I'm in there, someone starts trying to hack the door open from the other side. I report this over the radio, grab the hand tele and hop to an interesting sounding beacon - the comms sat. One of the mean guards gets angry that I've "broken into the teleporter", finds my prints on the door I just used and starts bragging about how he finally has a real crime to bust me for, sabotaging station equipment! Until the detective points out that the captain obviosly has access to that door and there are electrician's glove fibers around the scene.

Feeling hungry after all that nonsense, I swing by the hallway in front of the kitchen. There's a window there where the chef can set food out for everyone who passes by. I take a loaf of bread, the chef starts screaming that I stole it. I become visibly fat and the security team demands that I be arrested and stripped of command for theft. The HoS tells them she'll deal with me personally and just talk it out.

One of the other station heads now demands my presence in the head meeting room. I show up, they all ask me if I know anything about the missing hand teleporter. Yep! I have it, why didn't they ask sooner? The CE yells a lot about this, that I've stolen expensive equipment for no reason or something. The HoS informs the security team that she fears a civil war is brewing. Security suggests overthrowing me again.

To try and make amends with security, I requisition a pumpkin from Botany, much to their anger, and deliver it to the HoS. I tell her it's a real prize-winning pumpkin, a present for her hard work and level-headedness. She accepts the pumpkin, I leave, the other three guards in the room and the warden are all outraged and start talking a lot of shit about how they can't wait to permabrig me.

At this point, I receive a PDA message from the Chief Medical Officer informing me that the catpeople are all in the library being suspicious. I head to the library and ask them to shoo. They take serious offense at me calling them "mangy catbeasts" and tell security. Security threatens to arrest and report me for racism, someone threatens to adminhelp me and have me gibbed. About half the crew is now absolutely livid that I called the furry players "catbeasts." Many threats are issued.

I wander into Robotics to find them working on some mech suits. A security guard was tailing me, sees a mech near me that I guess is fairly dangerous, and now every goddamned security guard show up yet again to scream at the roboticists for building mechswithout getting security's rubber stamp approval. They confiscate the mech suit and take it to the armory. I suggest that we sell the suit to get rid of it, the warden reports me and writes it into my criminal record. More threats, more angry custom emotes are given.

I run into the quartermasters, they ask me what the hell I'm doing, I offer them a secret mission. "A secret mission? What?" 'Yep. Here's your secret mission: have a great day.' 'Uhhhh....' Someone starts yelling over the security frequency about a botanist violently attacking a guard with some nettles. I pull out my egun to chase them off, everyone starts screaming that I have my gun out at code blue security levels and this is a total outrage or something. While this was going on, the Chief Medical Officer wrote "catbeests" somewhere on the station in crayon, security found it, and the whole security team agrees that I must have done it and this was the last straw.

Returning to QM, the quartermasters seem to have taken their mission to heart and have chilled out a bit. They ask me if I've heard all the shit being said on the radio about me, and express their concern at all the treats of mutiny. In appreciation for their concerns, I offer them a deal... if I can reclaim the Giygas mech suit from beneath the warden's gaze in the armory, I'll let them keep all the proceeds from selling it. They claim this will earn about $20k and they're quite happy to be part of this deal.

So I set up the teleporter, head to the armory, sneak in a side door and steal the gigantic scary-looking armed mech suit through a portal. Amusingly enough, it fits into a locker, which I deliver to the QMs. They dutifully sell it. The warden finds out that the mech is missing. This causes a huge outburst, the HoS orders everyone to start packing laser weapons. I am immediately blamed for it. Lethal force is authorized against me over the radio channels I can still easily hear, so I suit up for space and disappear myself to another zlevel. A full mutiny against me has now been declared by almost all the other station heads and security.

I use my PDA to set the station terminals to read "~no catbeasts allowed~" and people start yelling in OOC about it. After floating around in space for a bit with spacesuited security trying to find me, I stumble across a soviet outpost... which conveniently has a newscast terminal.

-Breaking News: The Handsome and Dashing Captain Edgar T. Bumblechumps finds his dream of being chosen Captain of the Year dashed by a full-scale insurrecton from his own guards . Catbeasts roam the halls, defying God and nature alike. In these dark times, crew, always remember that Captain Bumblechumps loves you. Stay strong, friends! [Story by Edgar T. Bumblechumps (Captain)]

-THEY AREN'T CATBEASTS [Story by Random Crewmember]

-omfg stop insulting the tarajan they aren't cats!!!!! [Story by Someone Else]

(My first newscast gets erased by security)

-Breaking News: Beloved Man of the People, Edgar T. Bumblechumps finds his recent story redacted by cruel censors. Free speech advocates all around the system react in outrage at this suppression of the free press. A catbeast conspiracy? Stay tuned. [Story by Edgar T. Bumblechumps (Captain)]

ATTENTION: This channel has been deemed as threatening to the welfare of the station, and marked with a Nanotrasen D-Notice. No further feed story additions are allowed while the D-Notice is in effect.

Someone now issues a station-wide command alert about how I'm wanted for treason, dereliction of duty, behavior unbecoming of an officer and a bunch of other shit. The shuttle gets called because of this. I sneak my way back to the station level and float around waving at the crew through the windows and offering them my friendship. Many rudely rebuff me. I escape by myself in a pod with most of the crew still wanting me dead.

OOC: (the warden) I CAn'T BELIEVE I HAD TO SHUT OFF THE WHOLE NEWSCAST SYSTEM BECAUSE OF ONE PERSON

OOC: (some other guard) that fucking captain was awful!!! awful round!

OOC: (the chef): The captain stole my pies, and food.And burgers.

This morning, Reinhardt T. Bumblechumps, brother of Edgar gets a chance at captain.
Trying to sell the station corgi out the QM dock had tragic results, so to atone for this I took the corgi's body to the chapel. Security immediately turned on me, I broke into the vault and dragged the unarmed useless nuke around on a parade around the station to instill some patriotism.

YOU HAVE BEEN BANNED
Reason: Killed Ian and dragged him around, stole station with RCD and dragged nuke around, etc etc -- sorry! Expires: PERMENANT