Tell Me Who I Am (2019)

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akumenang.com

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[footsteps echoing]

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[man] I don't know who I am.

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Not just a story of who I am,
but who I really am.

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[inhales]

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[exhales]

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The real... me.

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[chair dragging]

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[breathes deeply]

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I've been silent for 20 years.

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Twenty years!

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Of hiding.

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I should have stood by him,
I should have helped him.

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We should have done everything together,
as twins.

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We're identical twins. Bonded.

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And this thing was so strong
that it broke us off.

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It broke us apart.

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[breathes deeply]

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[man 2] The secrets I need answers to
are in Marcus's head.

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But they're deep in his head.

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So it would almost seem

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reckless

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in terms of whatever we're gonna find
when we open the box.

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It's Pandora's box.
You either open it or you don't.

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But... [exhales]

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will it help me? It's a chance.

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It's a chance I'm prepared to take.

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[engines revving]

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-[glass shatters]
-[tire squealing]

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[loud bang, motorcycle screeches]

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[music fades out]

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[hospital machine high pitched ringing]

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[heart rate whooshing]

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[man 2] I-- I woke up.

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I remember opening my eyes

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and looking around the room,

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trying to take in where I am.

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[slurping]

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I then turned my attention
to my twin brother,

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who I instantly recognized.

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[Marcus's muffled voice] Alex, it's me!

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[Alex] He was sitting on the bed
next to me...

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[Marcus] It's okay.

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[Alex] ...and I just said,

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"Hello, Marcus."

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I guess the major thing about being a twin
is that you're never alone.

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And it's a massive thing to have.

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So whatever happens to you in your life,

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you've always got your other half there.

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[Alex] Even though

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I wasn't sure
of what was going on around me,

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I knew 100% that he was my brother
and I could trust him.

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I then turned my attention to a lady

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much closer to the bed
than everybody else...

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and she was getting quite hysterical

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at the fact that I had woken up.

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"Hello, hello, Ali, you're awake.
You're awake. How are you?

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It's me, it's me."

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And I'm thinking,
"I don't know how I am.

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And I don't know who you are."

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"You remember me. You remember me.
Don't you remember me?

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You must remember me,
you must remember me!"

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-And kept repeating and repeating this.
-[high pitched ringing]

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I said to Marcus, "Who is she?"

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And he just said...

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"She is our mother."

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And Marcus said to me,

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"Do you really not know
that that is our mother?"

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And I said, "No."

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And then he said to me,
"Well, do you know who you are?

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And what's your name?"

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And it started to dawn on me
that I really didn't know anything.

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-[blades whirring]
-I didn't know where I was.

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Where do I live.

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I didn't know what happened to me.

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I didn't even know my own name.

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[heart rate beep speeding up]

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Everything had gone.

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[high pitched ringing]

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[ringing fades out]

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[eerie music playing]

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[Marcus] Imagine a black empty space.

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You've lost everything in your life...

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and you start from a blank canvas.

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Imagine how scary that would be.

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The doctor explained that he had
been wearing a helmet that had come off

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and, therefore, when he hit the ground,

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he hit the ground with his head
and not with his helmet.

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And that had induced him
to go into a coma.

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And they weren't sure

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what kind of brain damage
that would leave him with.

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[car engine running]

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[Alex] My mother came to pick me up.

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She said, probably three or four times
before we even got in the car,

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"You do remember who I am, don't you?"
And I'm like, "No, I don't."

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[soft piano music playing]

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I said, "Where are we going?"
She said, "We're going home.

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I'm taking you home, back to our home."

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So I'm sitting in a car
with a total stranger,

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driving somewhere.
I've no idea where I'm going.

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[inhales]

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I'm being told, "This is your house.
This is where you live."

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[tires moving over gravel]

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It's got a gravel drive.
It's quite a large gravel drive.

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It's quite a big house,

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which looked quite daunting to me.

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[Marcus] He was in a haze.
He didn't know where he was.

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He didn't know anything.

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Even though he was 18,

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he had the mental age
of a... [inhales] nine-year-old.

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I remember walking through the kitchen
and explaining, "This is the kitchen,"

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and then the bathroom
and then taking him into the...

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into his bedroom.

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"This is your bed on the left,
and my bed's on the right."

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[Alex] I'm just being told

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that "This is your house.

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This is your mother."

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I don't know that.

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My head was just blank.

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I mean, for everybody else,

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they're going to remember
being on holidays,

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they're going to remember
falling off their bike for the first time,

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their first kiss,
the first time they were in love.

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Those are the things
that really make up who you are.

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And you actually need those memories.

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I'm coming at this with nothing.

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-[loud bang]
-[silverware rattling]

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[dog moans]

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[Alex] It was quite apparent...

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[chewing]

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...that my parents didn't know
how to deal with me.

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[exhales]

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My father, I didn't-- He was so distant.

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He didn't hug me or anything like that.

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He just shook my hand
and said he was my father.

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He never came to the hospital.

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No.

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He never-- He never came.

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My mother didn't want to believe

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I had lost my memory.

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It was... just, for her, unthinkable.

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For a son not to know
who their mother was.

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And she didn't want to believe it.

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[Marcus] Can you imagine,

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your son wakes up
and he's no idea who you are.

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[deep breath]

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Any mother would be deeply distressed.

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It really hurt her a lot.

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[Alex] So I'm totally on my own,
in that house with no support

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apart from my brother.

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He gets it. He understands.

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I don't have to explain anything to him.

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He doesn't make it difficult for me.
He gives me everything I need.

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If he hadn't known who I was,
and he hadn't known his twin,

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then he would have been all alone
in the world for the rest of his life.

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But he wasn't alone in the world.
He had me.

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-[lively piano music playing]
-[door hinge squeaks]

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[Alex] There was so much to learn.

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So very quickly he gave me
the basic information,

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the everyday, "This is kitchen.
This is TV. This is a table."

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[Marcus] I had to show him
where all his clothes are,

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how to put his shoes on,
tie his shoelaces up, make toast.

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He just kept giving me stuff.

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And I just went along with everything.

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[water running from faucet]

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When he said he didn't know something,

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I just told him what it was.

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Then starting to get
into more difficult things

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like, "Wow, what is that thing?"

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The first few minutes was a bit strange,

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and then I realized
I could actually do that.

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That I could ride a bike.

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That was something that he was actually
quite good at, I seem to remember.

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But he didn't know
where he was going, of course.

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So we would go out of the house
and then everything was a blank.

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-[grunts]
-[clatter and bang]

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[laughs]

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[Alex] The world seemed very scary.

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But with him...

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everything was a little bit easier.

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[music from TV]

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[cartoon from TV] Ladies and gentlemen!

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[Alex] TV was an eye-opener for me.

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All the shows were new,
even down to Tom and Jerry.

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[Tom and Jerry theme playing on TV]

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In one way, I'm trying to learn
as much information as possible.

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And in the second way,
I'm trying to work my family out

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and the dynamics that are going on.

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And there'd be like a perfect Sunday lunch
with everybody sitting around the table

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for Oxo Cube, and it looked nice.

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And I just imagined

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that must just be how all families are
'cause I saw it on the telly.

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[laughs]

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[uplifting instrumental music playing]

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I soon realized that Mommy
was at the center of my new world.

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She was quite a tall woman.

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She was over six foot,

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and she had quite large hands
and very large feet.

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Overly large feet.

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She was great fun.

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She'd just sort of dance
around the kitchen.

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She would come in a room and say,
"And here we all are.

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I'm here, everybody, I'm here."

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She'd be, [impersonates Mom]
"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."

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She'd be laughing like that.

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Louder than loud, really.

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[dog moans]

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[Alex] Mom inherited
a bunch of Chihuahuas.

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And she used to dress them up.

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They'd have their own clothes,
little hats,

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little coats,
and, um... that was her world.

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Before the accident,
we both hated these dogs.

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-We used to call them rats on legs.
-[dog moaning]

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But Alex, when he came home,
he rather liked the Chihuahuas.

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I quite liked them,

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'cause I thought they were quite sweet,
I'd never seen one before,

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whereas nobody else
had any interest in the dogs at all.

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[laughs]

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I still can't stand them.
Horrible little things.

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[laughs]

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[music fades out]

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So I've grown up incredibly quickly
in the space of a month,

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from probably a six-year-old
to sort of a... to a early teenager,

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sort of 14, 15 already, in such speed

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that now I need to move to another level.

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And that's when I start asking Marcus
more personal questions.

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Who, who am I really?

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[clicks]

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So I started to ask Marcus
about our childhood.

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He would say, you know,
"What family holidays did we go on?"

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[clicks]

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And I'd say, "Oh, you know,
we would go to France

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-on a beach holiday."
-[clicks]

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"Oh, right, was that nice?"
"Oh, yeah, it was great, you know.

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We used to go to the beach,
we'd have an ice cream.

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You always liked to have a chocolate flake
in your ice cream."

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"Oh, right, that's nice."

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[clicks]

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[soft piano music playing]

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[Alex] Marcus showed me a photograph
of the two of us on holiday,

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and it looked nice. And we were, you know,

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typical boys building
sand castles on a beach.

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So I just presumed
that's what we did every year.

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He showed me photographs.

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00:14:08,791 --> 00:14:10,541
And I joined the dots.

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[waves crashing on the beach]

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[Alex] He would give me a photo...

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and I would construct a memory around that

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of two happy boys on a beach.

250
00:14:29,458 --> 00:14:31,041
[Marcus] What I was doing was actually

251
00:14:32,333 --> 00:14:35,500
reimplanting his memory
and giving him... [inhales]

252
00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:36,666
his childhood back

253
00:14:36,791 --> 00:14:41,416
and answering questions from
the very beginning of when he was a baby

254
00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:42,791
up to 18.

255
00:14:43,875 --> 00:14:47,166
[Alex] When you've got no memory,
and you get little bits of information,

256
00:14:47,791 --> 00:14:50,750
then just some information
about a single holiday

257
00:14:50,875 --> 00:14:54,375
meant an enormous amount to me
'cause that's all I had.

258
00:14:55,833 --> 00:14:58,208
So these tiny little fragments

259
00:14:58,291 --> 00:15:00,500
became the building blocks
for my new sense of self.

260
00:15:02,125 --> 00:15:05,166
-And life seemed good.
-[kids talking and shouting]

261
00:15:05,333 --> 00:15:08,958
The life that Marcus showed me
that I had and painted for me

262
00:15:09,041 --> 00:15:13,500
was that we were a fairly
privileged family in the home counties

263
00:15:14,291 --> 00:15:16,041
with perfectly normal parents.

264
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:20,000
You know, dinner parties around the house
and everything looked good.

265
00:15:23,416 --> 00:15:25,083
He painted an idyllic picture.

266
00:15:26,958 --> 00:15:28,958
[kids shrieking]

267
00:15:31,458 --> 00:15:33,458
[music fades out]

268
00:15:34,833 --> 00:15:36,833
[clock ticking]

269
00:15:39,166 --> 00:15:42,916
[Marcus] Learning the rules of the house
was more complicated.

270
00:15:45,083 --> 00:15:47,416
We weren't allowed to go upstairs.

271
00:15:47,750 --> 00:15:49,333
We didn't eat with our parents.

272
00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:51,583
We weren't allowed a front door key.

273
00:15:51,666 --> 00:15:53,458
And, from the age of...

274
00:15:54,708 --> 00:15:57,500
[huffs] I think... 14,

275
00:15:58,333 --> 00:16:01,000
we lived out in the shed in the garden.

276
00:16:01,125 --> 00:16:02,000
[inhales]

277
00:16:02,416 --> 00:16:04,875
In a funny sort of way
we quite liked living in the shed

278
00:16:05,125 --> 00:16:07,166
because it was our domain.

279
00:16:08,375 --> 00:16:10,333
Yeah, it was-- it was, um...

280
00:16:11,416 --> 00:16:13,541
it was a confusing house for me.

281
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:15,833
[clock striking the hour]

282
00:16:22,333 --> 00:16:24,333
There was just ornaments everywhere.

283
00:16:25,083 --> 00:16:27,625
Every cupboard was full,
every outhouse was full,

284
00:16:27,708 --> 00:16:30,041
every loft was full,
every garage was full.

285
00:16:31,166 --> 00:16:33,875
And there were sections of the house
that you weren't allowed to be in,

286
00:16:34,041 --> 00:16:36,208
and you didn't enter without permission.

287
00:16:37,250 --> 00:16:38,583
Especially my father's side.

288
00:16:38,666 --> 00:16:40,250
[ominous instrumental music playing]

289
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,916
You wouldn't enter his study
unless you were summoned.

290
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,000
[clock ticking]

291
00:16:45,833 --> 00:16:49,375
He was quite a scary guy,
and he had a hell of a temper on him.

292
00:16:49,916 --> 00:16:54,000
He would shout very loudly, and bang!
He would just thump the table

293
00:16:54,083 --> 00:16:56,916
on the dining room... I remember
particularly on the dining room table.

294
00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:00,416
There was a really long,
huge dining room table, you know,

295
00:17:00,500 --> 00:17:03,000
in the center of the house,
and he would whack that.

296
00:17:06,250 --> 00:17:08,000
And then he would just dismiss you.

297
00:17:11,041 --> 00:17:12,750
Marcus just instructed me,

298
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,666
"Don't get involved.
Just let him do his thing.

299
00:17:16,541 --> 00:17:20,166
And be polite.
Always be polite and call him sir."

300
00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:25,250
[Marcus] I do remember him kept asking me
why did we have to do that.

301
00:17:25,916 --> 00:17:27,333
And I just said, "Because that's...

302
00:17:27,416 --> 00:17:29,666
[inhales]
That's what you do in a family."

303
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,000
[lively music playing]

304
00:17:33,416 --> 00:17:36,000
[Alex] My brother, at some point,
informed me that our parents

305
00:17:36,083 --> 00:17:38,625
came from an aristocratic background.

306
00:17:38,708 --> 00:17:40,166
-[indistinct chatter]
-[loud chewing]

307
00:17:40,250 --> 00:17:42,250
-[cork popping]
-[cheering]

308
00:17:43,666 --> 00:17:47,041
It was perfectly normal
for our house to be filled with

309
00:17:47,125 --> 00:17:49,708
-sirs, duchesses, lords, ladies.
-[woman cheers and laughs]

310
00:17:50,791 --> 00:17:53,791
And that's how we lived.

311
00:17:53,875 --> 00:17:55,875
[crowd cheering and laughing]

312
00:17:56,041 --> 00:17:58,041
I never thought, "This is odd,"

313
00:17:58,875 --> 00:18:00,916
'cause everything was normal for me.

314
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:04,416
[party crowd singing]
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

315
00:18:04,958 --> 00:18:08,750
It was perfectly normal
to have parents like we did.

316
00:18:09,083 --> 00:18:12,083
It was perfectly normal to live in a shed.

317
00:18:12,458 --> 00:18:15,000
So I was never questioning anything.

318
00:18:15,083 --> 00:18:17,291
Because what is normal, really?

319
00:18:18,208 --> 00:18:21,708
Normal is what you know.
And normal is what your family is.

320
00:18:21,791 --> 00:18:24,000
[people singing and whooping]

321
00:18:28,458 --> 00:18:30,458
[tires moving over gravel]

322
00:18:47,916 --> 00:18:49,041
[Alex] I had my story.

323
00:18:50,708 --> 00:18:52,541
I grabbed that from my brother.

324
00:18:54,791 --> 00:18:56,208
And I took it as my own,

325
00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:58,500
and I took that out
into the world with me.

326
00:18:58,583 --> 00:19:00,375
-[indistinct chatter]
-["Relax" by Duran Duran playing]

327
00:19:01,625 --> 00:19:03,166
-[woman yells] Party! Yeah!
-[cheering]

328
00:19:03,375 --> 00:19:06,833
[Alex] After a few months, Marcus decided
it was time to meet all my friends.

329
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:08,291
[indistinct greetings]

330
00:19:08,375 --> 00:19:10,208
So we go to the pub.

331
00:19:11,958 --> 00:19:14,958
That was another huge step.

332
00:19:15,375 --> 00:19:17,458
♪ Relax, don't do it ♪

333
00:19:17,666 --> 00:19:20,125
♪ When you wanna go to it
Relax... ♪

334
00:19:20,333 --> 00:19:21,625
When you're a teenager,

335
00:19:22,208 --> 00:19:24,083
you don't want to be different
to everybody else.

336
00:19:24,458 --> 00:19:26,750
You don't want to stick out,
you just want to be the same.

337
00:19:27,416 --> 00:19:30,875
But everybody knows you
and you don't know them. [inhales]

338
00:19:31,166 --> 00:19:34,916
And that is quite...
quite daunting really.

339
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,125
[crowd laughing]

340
00:19:37,875 --> 00:19:38,875
I got overwhelmed.

341
00:19:45,333 --> 00:19:47,333
[music fades out]

342
00:19:50,333 --> 00:19:52,833
People say, "Oh, yeah, it can't be
that bad to lose your memory."

343
00:19:54,083 --> 00:19:54,958
But it is.

344
00:19:55,875 --> 00:19:57,958
I have nothing to latch onto.

345
00:19:58,666 --> 00:20:03,708
I've got no... no anchors
to give me any peace of mind

346
00:20:04,875 --> 00:20:06,583
apart from Marcus.

347
00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:12,666
So, me and Marcus together
built up a system

348
00:20:12,791 --> 00:20:15,000
where I could meet people

349
00:20:15,083 --> 00:20:17,875
without them ever realizing
that I didn't have a clue who they were.

350
00:20:18,125 --> 00:20:20,125
[fun instrumental music playing]

351
00:20:20,625 --> 00:20:22,625
[Marcus] We would go
to a friend's house for dinner.

352
00:20:23,375 --> 00:20:27,000
We would stand outside the door
and he'd say, "Right, okay, remind me."

353
00:20:27,083 --> 00:20:29,416
[stuttering] Give me the names again.
What do they look like?

354
00:20:29,500 --> 00:20:33,416
Just give me the quick little outline,
so a tiny little synopsis of each person.

355
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:37,041
This is Dave, this is John, this is Chris.
And then they'd open the door,

356
00:20:37,125 --> 00:20:39,291
"Oh, hi. Really nice to see you."

357
00:20:39,375 --> 00:20:40,916
And people never knew.

358
00:20:41,500 --> 00:20:44,500
[Marcus] And everybody would think,
"Ah, Alex is fine, look.

359
00:20:44,958 --> 00:20:47,250
He knows everybody here.
He knows what's going on."

360
00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:48,583
But none of that was true.

361
00:20:49,250 --> 00:20:51,666
I'd just given him
a ten-minute lesson outside.

362
00:20:52,041 --> 00:20:54,291
But then he said,
"Oh, yes, and you have a girlfriend."

363
00:20:54,708 --> 00:20:56,583
I thought,
"Oh, I've got a girlfriend, have I?"

364
00:20:57,333 --> 00:21:01,208
She, um... she was very nice.
And she didn't really notice

365
00:21:01,458 --> 00:21:05,791
that I had no idea
[laughing] who she was.

366
00:21:07,333 --> 00:21:08,750
Our sort of standing joke

367
00:21:08,833 --> 00:21:11,916
is that I lost my virginity
to the same woman twice.

368
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:14,000
[laughs]

369
00:21:16,291 --> 00:21:19,125
[Marcus] He became absolutely
fascinated by photographs,

370
00:21:20,166 --> 00:21:25,208
because he became totally paranoid
that he would lose his new memory.

371
00:21:26,458 --> 00:21:29,041
I just took pictures of people having fun.

372
00:21:29,291 --> 00:21:31,250
I took pictures of the parties we went to,

373
00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:33,291
the people we met, the places we went.

374
00:21:33,375 --> 00:21:36,416
I wanted to capture every single moment

375
00:21:37,166 --> 00:21:41,291
of every month, of every year
for the rest of my life.

376
00:21:41,375 --> 00:21:42,208
[music fades out]

377
00:21:46,958 --> 00:21:49,916
[Alex] All of us, we take photos
of happy times

378
00:21:50,708 --> 00:21:53,125
excluding everything else.

379
00:21:55,375 --> 00:21:56,500
We all do that.

380
00:21:57,458 --> 00:22:02,291
We take photos of weddings.
You never take photos at funerals.

381
00:22:02,375 --> 00:22:03,291
[inhales]

382
00:22:14,625 --> 00:22:16,166
[clock ticking]

383
00:22:16,250 --> 00:22:17,708
[Marcus] Dad was dying,

384
00:22:18,666 --> 00:22:20,750
and he had cancer.

385
00:22:21,416 --> 00:22:22,250
Um...

386
00:22:22,541 --> 00:22:23,375
pancreas.

387
00:22:24,750 --> 00:22:27,208
And I remember he called us
into his study,

388
00:22:27,708 --> 00:22:31,000
and he started to apologize for his
behavior and the things that he'd done.

389
00:22:33,208 --> 00:22:36,166
[Alex] He said would we forgive him
before he died?

390
00:22:37,250 --> 00:22:38,583
So I said, "Yes."

391
00:22:39,208 --> 00:22:40,708
Alex would have said anything.

392
00:22:41,166 --> 00:22:45,125
I mean he was just such a nice boy,
and he had such a nice way about him.

393
00:22:46,541 --> 00:22:49,208
[Alex] And then Marcus stood there
and said,

394
00:22:49,666 --> 00:22:51,833
"No, I will not forgive you."

395
00:22:53,166 --> 00:22:55,291
And turned around
and walked out of the room.

396
00:22:56,791 --> 00:22:59,416
I remember walking
out of the room with him

397
00:22:59,750 --> 00:23:02,250
and I-- I said,
[stutters] "Why did you do that?

398
00:23:02,333 --> 00:23:05,708
Why would you say no to a dying man,
his last wish?

399
00:23:06,083 --> 00:23:08,250
He's about to go.
Give him the forgiveness."

400
00:23:08,416 --> 00:23:10,625
He said, "No, I won't. What for?"

401
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:12,458
I said, "Because he asked us.

402
00:23:12,833 --> 00:23:16,000
He asked us to forgive him.
Why could you not do that?"

403
00:23:16,416 --> 00:23:19,166
He said, "No". He said,
"It's complicated. I don't want to."

404
00:23:20,750 --> 00:23:22,750
[heavy rain pattering]

405
00:23:29,916 --> 00:23:32,125
[Alex] And then, a few days later,
he was gone.

406
00:23:36,875 --> 00:23:38,083
Once Dad had died,

407
00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:41,291
I thought things in the house
would change,

408
00:23:41,625 --> 00:23:43,958
because he was the bully,
he made the rules up.

409
00:23:45,166 --> 00:23:47,625
So, when I got into my twenties,

410
00:23:48,625 --> 00:23:52,166
I thought we can have access to our house,
we could have keys to our house,

411
00:23:52,250 --> 00:23:55,791
we can go in and eat food whenever
we want. Turn up whenever we want.

412
00:23:55,916 --> 00:23:58,583
All those rules have gone
out of the window. He's gone now.

413
00:23:58,666 --> 00:24:00,666
[melancholic music playing]

414
00:24:01,250 --> 00:24:05,125
It was very quickly apparent
that the rules hadn't changed.

415
00:24:05,916 --> 00:24:07,666
They became even more stringent.

416
00:24:12,541 --> 00:24:15,500
Mom still didn't want us to have a key.

417
00:24:19,458 --> 00:24:23,333
But I asked Marcus about it,
and he just told me not to worry.

418
00:24:25,291 --> 00:24:26,208
So I didn't.

419
00:24:39,458 --> 00:24:41,000
And I jump five years later,

420
00:24:43,083 --> 00:24:46,375
and there she was, lying at the bottom
of the stairs, unconscious.

421
00:24:48,416 --> 00:24:50,416
[Marcus] She's got a brain tumor
in her head

422
00:24:51,416 --> 00:24:53,291
that was fatal.

423
00:24:58,333 --> 00:25:00,791
[Alex] I found the whole thing
very upsetting.

424
00:25:03,541 --> 00:25:05,291
I did grow to love my mother.

425
00:25:07,375 --> 00:25:11,291
And, you know,
and become very close to her.

426
00:25:17,208 --> 00:25:19,125
She said that she would miss us,

427
00:25:19,708 --> 00:25:23,125
and, um... and that she loved us.

428
00:25:23,250 --> 00:25:24,166
[inhales]

429
00:25:24,958 --> 00:25:28,708
And it was at that moment...
she slipped away.

430
00:25:31,166 --> 00:25:32,791
I just cried

431
00:25:34,166 --> 00:25:35,750
for quite some time.

432
00:25:38,375 --> 00:25:39,458
But Marcus didn't.

433
00:25:41,875 --> 00:25:43,333
No emotion at all.

434
00:25:45,250 --> 00:25:46,083
[Marcus] I felt...

435
00:25:47,958 --> 00:25:48,833
nothing.

436
00:25:50,625 --> 00:25:54,708
I didn't feel any guilt
for feeling nothing,

437
00:25:54,791 --> 00:25:58,083
I didn't feel sad. I didn't feel...

438
00:25:59,583 --> 00:26:02,000
relieved. I just felt nothing.

439
00:26:08,083 --> 00:26:10,125
[Alex] I know my brother inside out.

440
00:26:10,708 --> 00:26:13,458
We are twins. We know
everything about each other,

441
00:26:14,166 --> 00:26:18,416
yet he has handled this situation
in a completely different way to me.

442
00:26:19,541 --> 00:26:21,791
And it bothered me a lot.

443
00:26:27,833 --> 00:26:32,500
After the funeral,
we went back to Duke's Cottage

444
00:26:33,125 --> 00:26:36,250
and walked back into our house
with our key.

445
00:26:37,166 --> 00:26:42,583
And we started clearing up
this vast house and its outbuildings,

446
00:26:43,166 --> 00:26:45,708
-which were full of stuff.
-[door opens]

447
00:26:45,791 --> 00:26:47,791
[eerie music playing]

448
00:26:48,625 --> 00:26:52,500
We started with the downstairs,
throwing things away,

449
00:26:53,541 --> 00:26:57,708
and every now and again
you would find a jam jar

450
00:26:57,791 --> 00:26:59,833
full of 50-pound notes.

451
00:27:00,791 --> 00:27:03,166
And then some
tied into the back of a curtain.

452
00:27:06,833 --> 00:27:09,750
And I'm starting to think,
“That's a bit strange.”

453
00:27:12,208 --> 00:27:14,500
And we're going into bathrooms.

454
00:27:15,750 --> 00:27:19,333
One bathroom in particular
there was this huge wardrobe

455
00:27:20,375 --> 00:27:21,666
full of sex toys.

456
00:27:25,500 --> 00:27:28,333
Marcus and I looked in it.
I was really, really shocked.

457
00:27:29,666 --> 00:27:32,791
But he didn't really show much emotion,

458
00:27:33,208 --> 00:27:34,875
just kept reassuring me,

459
00:27:34,958 --> 00:27:37,833
"Never mind about that,
put it to one side. Let's get on."

460
00:27:38,416 --> 00:27:39,625
[door opens]

461
00:27:41,833 --> 00:27:43,416
And when we got into the attic,

462
00:27:44,041 --> 00:27:46,875
there was our childhood.

463
00:27:50,250 --> 00:27:55,250
All our school books,
all our baby clothes.

464
00:27:56,666 --> 00:27:59,708
And then boxes and boxes of presents

465
00:28:00,333 --> 00:28:03,666
that have been given to us
for every Christmas and every birthday

466
00:28:04,083 --> 00:28:08,375
from our godfathers, aunts, uncles.

467
00:28:09,750 --> 00:28:14,583
We spent every birthday and Christmas
with no presents from anybody.

468
00:28:16,250 --> 00:28:18,583
She kept every single one.

469
00:28:22,250 --> 00:28:25,166
It made my mother much more complicated.

470
00:28:27,708 --> 00:28:31,458
Who was this lady?
What do I not know about her?

471
00:28:36,375 --> 00:28:39,291
And we started clearing Mommy's room.

472
00:28:45,416 --> 00:28:46,875
[sliding door opening]

473
00:28:48,125 --> 00:28:50,416
We were in the back of a cupboard,

474
00:28:50,875 --> 00:28:54,666
and you get through all these
tons and tons of coats and clothes,

475
00:28:55,166 --> 00:29:00,041
and at the back you find a secret door
to a cupboard within a cupboard.

476
00:29:00,583 --> 00:29:04,208
Of course, it's locked.
So we have to find a key.

477
00:29:05,708 --> 00:29:07,708
[clattering]

478
00:29:19,541 --> 00:29:24,000
And inside there is a photograph

479
00:29:24,958 --> 00:29:26,500
of me and Marcus,

480
00:29:28,125 --> 00:29:31,583
aged around ten, and we're naked

481
00:29:32,750 --> 00:29:34,125
with our heads cut off.

482
00:29:37,791 --> 00:29:42,333
[tearfully] It was too weird.
It was just too, too strange.

483
00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:44,916
What the hell was she doing

484
00:29:45,625 --> 00:29:49,916
with a naked picture of me and Marcus
with our heads cut off?

485
00:29:56,083 --> 00:29:57,500
I just didn't know what to do.

486
00:29:58,416 --> 00:29:59,250
I...

487
00:30:00,208 --> 00:30:02,916
-didn't know what to do. [sighs]
-[music fades out]

488
00:30:04,750 --> 00:30:06,291
[fire crackling]

489
00:30:24,208 --> 00:30:25,666
[breathes deeply]

490
00:30:27,041 --> 00:30:27,875
No.

491
00:30:29,458 --> 00:30:30,291
[sniffles]

492
00:30:30,833 --> 00:30:31,791
[sobbing] Fucking mad.

493
00:30:33,083 --> 00:30:34,333
I'm too fucking mad.

494
00:30:36,916 --> 00:30:37,750
[gulps]

495
00:30:37,833 --> 00:30:39,125
[sighs] Jesus.

496
00:30:40,041 --> 00:30:40,875
[scoffs]

497
00:30:51,333 --> 00:30:53,750
[gulps] Can I have a cup of tea?

498
00:31:03,750 --> 00:31:05,750
[melancholic music playing]

499
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:10,291
[tires moving over gravel]

500
00:31:21,541 --> 00:31:25,666
[Marcus] I, from day one,
started to create

501
00:31:25,916 --> 00:31:28,750
a different life for Alex
than we actually had.

502
00:31:35,708 --> 00:31:39,875
I painted a picture of a normal family.
We lived in a nice house.

503
00:31:40,166 --> 00:31:42,583
Our parents were nice, decent people.

504
00:31:44,958 --> 00:31:46,375
But none of that was true.

505
00:31:48,250 --> 00:31:51,500
It was a fantasy
that I was creating for him.

506
00:31:51,875 --> 00:31:54,375
And the longer it went on,
the bigger the fantasy.

507
00:31:54,791 --> 00:31:56,791
[motorcycle screeching]

508
00:31:58,583 --> 00:32:00,583
[music fades out]

509
00:32:07,958 --> 00:32:10,208
When Alex came back from the hospital,

510
00:32:11,166 --> 00:32:13,375
he didn't know who his mother was.

511
00:32:13,833 --> 00:32:16,666
He didn't know his house.
He didn't know his bedroom.

512
00:32:16,750 --> 00:32:19,250
Didn't know his girlfriend.
He didn't know he was in England.

513
00:32:19,333 --> 00:32:22,000
He didn't know... anything.

514
00:32:24,291 --> 00:32:27,208
But he knew... [loud muffled click] me.

515
00:32:28,416 --> 00:32:29,666
He knew who I was.

516
00:32:33,166 --> 00:32:35,750
If you've only got one fact in your mind,

517
00:32:36,416 --> 00:32:39,708
one thing that you know 100%,
one thing that is yours,

518
00:32:40,083 --> 00:32:42,541
of your own, not something
that anybody's given you,

519
00:32:43,250 --> 00:32:45,541
you then build
everything around that fact.

520
00:32:48,041 --> 00:32:51,416
He had to trust me because
he didn't have anybody else to trust.

521
00:32:52,291 --> 00:32:53,666
Without me, he had nothing.

522
00:32:56,708 --> 00:33:00,333
So I started off,
when he got home, with the basics.

523
00:33:00,416 --> 00:33:04,333
Who are your parents,
where's your room, where's your stuff.

524
00:33:05,375 --> 00:33:09,458
And we did it on that basis.
It was just one fact after the next fact.

525
00:33:12,250 --> 00:33:17,083
And it wasn't until I'd been doing it
for about six months that I realized

526
00:33:17,458 --> 00:33:21,541
that I had some control over
what he knew and what he didn't know.

527
00:33:21,916 --> 00:33:24,875
Because everything that I told him
he accepted and he believed.

528
00:33:26,625 --> 00:33:28,708
So, for instance, he would ask

529
00:33:29,208 --> 00:33:31,083
what family holidays we'd go on.

530
00:33:34,583 --> 00:33:37,583
The truth was
we didn't go on family holidays.

531
00:33:38,291 --> 00:33:41,708
And if we went on a holiday,
we'd go with other people's families.

532
00:33:42,458 --> 00:33:46,458
We'd never go with our parents.
But I didn't want to give him that,

533
00:33:46,541 --> 00:33:51,083
because that was depressing
and sad and not very normal.

534
00:33:51,583 --> 00:33:52,750
So instead of saying,

535
00:33:52,833 --> 00:33:55,875
"Oh, we didn't go on family holidays
because our parents were shit."

536
00:33:56,208 --> 00:33:58,791
I said, "Yeah, we'd go
on family holidays all the time."

537
00:33:58,875 --> 00:34:01,583
Here's a picture of one
of the family holidays in France.

538
00:34:02,041 --> 00:34:05,000
My Dad spoke French.
It seemed like a natural fit.

539
00:34:05,583 --> 00:34:07,000
"Ah, right, that's nice."

540
00:34:07,291 --> 00:34:10,041
And I did manage to find
a picture of us on the beach.

541
00:34:11,041 --> 00:34:12,625
And that seemed to satisfy him.

542
00:34:13,833 --> 00:34:17,916
He didn't say, "Did we go with Mom?"
"Did we go with Dad?"

543
00:34:18,666 --> 00:34:19,916
"Did we all go as a family?”

544
00:34:22,083 --> 00:34:23,791
He didn't ask any of those questions,

545
00:34:25,125 --> 00:34:26,666
and I didn't give him the detail.

546
00:34:29,916 --> 00:34:31,291
I'd give him a photo.

547
00:34:32,791 --> 00:34:34,583
His imagination did the rest.

548
00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:43,375
I gave him a photo album
of happy memories,

549
00:34:44,500 --> 00:34:45,625
happy times.

550
00:34:47,291 --> 00:34:48,333
With none of the shit.

551
00:34:55,500 --> 00:34:59,041
I tried to not make anything up.
I just left stuff out.

552
00:35:01,208 --> 00:35:03,000
If he'd started
challenging me on everything,

553
00:35:03,916 --> 00:35:05,500
the whole thing would've broken down,

554
00:35:05,583 --> 00:35:08,416
and he would've worked out very early on
what was really going on here.

555
00:35:12,791 --> 00:35:14,916
But you've got to remember,
he'd lost all memory.

556
00:35:16,250 --> 00:35:20,041
So I wasn't being challenged
at any point about anything.

557
00:35:20,458 --> 00:35:23,500
So If I said he went on a family holiday,
we went on a family holiday.

558
00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:25,875
Period. He didn't ask again.

559
00:35:28,166 --> 00:35:31,041
And I did that all the way up
until he was 32 years old.

560
00:35:36,333 --> 00:35:37,458
[music fades out]

561
00:35:38,250 --> 00:35:42,666
He had total blind faith
in everything that I told him.

562
00:35:48,708 --> 00:35:51,166
[Alex] That's the key to this whole thing...

563
00:35:52,708 --> 00:35:53,916
is the word trust.

564
00:35:55,458 --> 00:35:58,791
I had no reason not to trust him
or question him.

565
00:36:00,250 --> 00:36:02,166
So that's how-- how this--

566
00:36:02,250 --> 00:36:05,375
A lot of people think, just cannot believe
that this is even possible.

567
00:36:05,458 --> 00:36:07,666
But if you have blinding trust,
it is possible.

568
00:36:07,750 --> 00:36:08,708
[inhales]

569
00:36:10,541 --> 00:36:11,375
[gulps]

570
00:36:12,416 --> 00:36:14,041
I had no reason to doubt him, did I?

571
00:36:15,791 --> 00:36:16,625
[exhales]

572
00:36:16,708 --> 00:36:17,541
[clink]

573
00:36:20,833 --> 00:36:22,583
[Marcus] To start with,
it was quite simple

574
00:36:22,666 --> 00:36:24,125
because I had all the answers.

575
00:36:24,791 --> 00:36:28,916
But, as time goes by,
the questions get more complicated,

576
00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:30,833
the questions get more directed,

577
00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:33,166
and then you have to start remembering

578
00:36:33,250 --> 00:36:35,750
what he haven't told him,
remembering what you have told him.

579
00:36:36,458 --> 00:36:39,625
So then it became
a conscious choice to actually...

580
00:36:40,833 --> 00:36:41,666
lie.

581
00:36:41,750 --> 00:36:43,750
[suspenseful music playing]

582
00:36:44,291 --> 00:36:47,875
So he would ask,
"Is our mother a good mother?"

583
00:36:47,958 --> 00:36:48,875
[inhales]

584
00:36:49,583 --> 00:36:54,166
And I'd say, "Yeah, our mother's cool."
And that would be the end of the question.

585
00:36:55,750 --> 00:36:58,458
You would say to me,
"Well, that's not an acceptable answer.

586
00:36:58,583 --> 00:37:00,875
What am I supposed to do with,
'Our mother's cool.'

587
00:37:00,958 --> 00:37:04,000
I want more. What was she like?
How did she look after us?

588
00:37:04,083 --> 00:37:07,791
Does she love us? [inhales]
You know, has she been a good mother?"

589
00:37:08,125 --> 00:37:10,250
But he wasn't asking
any questions like that.

590
00:37:10,333 --> 00:37:14,375
He just wanted to know,
"Is my mother cool?" "Yes, she is."

591
00:37:14,750 --> 00:37:17,208
Great. Pop that in the memory bank.
Move on.

592
00:37:25,375 --> 00:37:29,375
[Alex] It's amazing I never noticed
that the stories didn't line up.

593
00:37:33,375 --> 00:37:37,083
I cannot believe I never
stopped to say to him,

594
00:37:37,333 --> 00:37:38,958
"That doesn't all fit together."

595
00:37:39,958 --> 00:37:44,333
Right in my entire twenties
I never questioned it.

596
00:37:55,666 --> 00:37:57,041
[soughing wind]

597
00:37:57,125 --> 00:37:59,041
[Marcus] Once I'd stepped into that realm,

598
00:38:00,375 --> 00:38:02,083
of not telling him the truth...

599
00:38:04,041 --> 00:38:05,333
I couldn't get out of it.

600
00:38:07,375 --> 00:38:09,166
And it then just snowballed

601
00:38:09,625 --> 00:38:12,416
to a point I had to stick
with what I'd told him.

602
00:38:12,500 --> 00:38:14,125
[music fades out]

603
00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:18,000
Because otherwise I had
to admit to him that I'd made

604
00:38:18,625 --> 00:38:21,166
a life up that didn't exist.

605
00:38:21,250 --> 00:38:23,250
[rain pattering]

606
00:38:32,083 --> 00:38:35,125
Lying to my brother has a toll on you.

607
00:38:38,375 --> 00:38:42,208
And it alters the way
that you feel about yourself.

608
00:38:44,541 --> 00:38:49,541
I was lying to my best friend,
my partner, my other half,

609
00:38:49,750 --> 00:38:54,500
every single day.
And the guilt in doing that is so big.

610
00:38:55,708 --> 00:38:57,833
But telling him the truth was

611
00:38:57,916 --> 00:39:00,708
a thousand times worse
than telling him a lie.

612
00:39:02,208 --> 00:39:05,083
So I was damned if I did,
and I was damned if I didn't.

613
00:39:06,958 --> 00:39:08,958
[tires moving over gravel]

614
00:39:10,083 --> 00:39:11,833
So I had to choose between the two.

615
00:39:15,166 --> 00:39:17,583
And so I chose, in the end,

616
00:39:18,375 --> 00:39:22,000
to never tell him the truth
of what happened in his childhood.

617
00:39:38,041 --> 00:39:39,458
[Marcus] We all like to think that

618
00:39:39,916 --> 00:39:42,500
we'd know who a pedophile is
when they walk in a room,

619
00:39:43,541 --> 00:39:45,458
because they've got a big label on them.

620
00:39:46,375 --> 00:39:49,083
But in reality, it's just not like that.

621
00:39:53,583 --> 00:39:56,416
My mother sexually abused us

622
00:39:57,041 --> 00:39:59,125
up to the age of about 12 or 14.

623
00:40:01,708 --> 00:40:03,958
[tearfully] And why would you want
to give that?

624
00:40:04,041 --> 00:40:06,875
I mean, what's that?
I mean that's something...

625
00:40:07,375 --> 00:40:09,041
[normal voice] if I just told you today

626
00:40:09,291 --> 00:40:11,875
that that happened in your childhood,
you knew nothing about it,

627
00:40:12,125 --> 00:40:13,625
it would fuck the rest of your life up.

628
00:40:15,708 --> 00:40:17,458
Why would you feel that it's necessary

629
00:40:17,833 --> 00:40:20,958
to give an emotionally
disturbed 18-year-old

630
00:40:21,541 --> 00:40:23,625
information that he can't handle

631
00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:26,500
and is not necessary for him to know?

632
00:40:28,500 --> 00:40:30,708
And if it was the other round,
I would expect him...

633
00:40:31,791 --> 00:40:33,541
I'd expect him to do the same.

634
00:40:34,333 --> 00:40:37,583
I would want him to do the same.
I'd be angry if he hadn't done it.

635
00:40:38,916 --> 00:40:41,083
And I do feel
very passionately about that.

636
00:40:41,541 --> 00:40:42,458
[inhales deeply]

637
00:40:42,541 --> 00:40:44,666
There are people that say,
"The truth is the truth,

638
00:40:44,750 --> 00:40:47,500
and you should've told him.
And he would have to go to therapy,

639
00:40:47,583 --> 00:40:50,416
and he'd have to deal with all
of those things for the rest of his life.

640
00:40:50,666 --> 00:40:53,791
And it wasn't up to you to play God.
And it wasn't up to you

641
00:40:54,375 --> 00:40:56,541
to-- to take away those things."

642
00:40:56,625 --> 00:40:59,125
[tearfully] But for me, [sniffles]
the way I feel,

643
00:41:00,250 --> 00:41:03,083
I have it... and it's a shit feeling.

644
00:41:06,041 --> 00:41:07,708
[normal voice]
He doesn't have that feeling.

645
00:41:07,791 --> 00:41:10,083
He doesn't know
what it feels like to feel like that.

646
00:41:10,166 --> 00:41:12,333
I gave him a present
of not knowing any of that.

647
00:41:14,166 --> 00:41:16,750
And so, for me, that has to be a gift.

648
00:41:16,916 --> 00:41:19,708
It has to be something precious

649
00:41:19,791 --> 00:41:23,041
that any human being would give
to another one that they love.

650
00:41:23,166 --> 00:41:25,875
[tearfully] Anybody would do that.
[sighs, gulps]

651
00:41:45,333 --> 00:41:47,333
[melancholic music playing]

652
00:41:49,375 --> 00:41:53,583
I had been living this life for Alex

653
00:41:54,583 --> 00:41:55,875
for so many years,

654
00:41:57,541 --> 00:41:59,583
doing all of the things
that I was meant to do

655
00:41:59,666 --> 00:42:02,333
that fitted the narrative
that I'd been giving him.

656
00:42:05,083 --> 00:42:09,166
It would be her birthday, and we'd arrive
at the house, and we'd all hug and kiss.

657
00:42:10,625 --> 00:42:12,666
I mean, I just don't know
what she was thinking.

658
00:42:13,958 --> 00:42:16,125
"Look, I've fucked these boys' lives up,

659
00:42:16,208 --> 00:42:18,000
and here they are
singing Happy Birthday to me."

660
00:42:24,083 --> 00:42:26,833
We'd make a cake,
and we'd all make a fuss, and we'd sing,

661
00:42:26,916 --> 00:42:29,500
and we'd do all of the things
that you were meant to do in a family.

662
00:42:30,500 --> 00:42:32,791
Alex was doing
what it said in the story books.

663
00:42:33,375 --> 00:42:35,791
He was doing what it said in the movies.

664
00:42:37,666 --> 00:42:41,333
"Go and give your Mom a kiss.
Go and give this lady a kiss."

665
00:42:43,791 --> 00:42:45,500
And I watched from the sidelines.

666
00:42:51,416 --> 00:42:55,000
The pain and anguish
that was going on inside me was explosive!

667
00:42:56,291 --> 00:43:00,083
And the power
of just wanting it to go away

668
00:43:00,541 --> 00:43:03,583
is so intense and so strong

669
00:43:04,791 --> 00:43:09,500
that I began to believe
the reality that I was creating.

670
00:43:10,666 --> 00:43:14,541
I needed to feel that actually
it had never happened to me.

671
00:43:18,041 --> 00:43:21,458
Alex lost his memory by accident.

672
00:43:23,791 --> 00:43:26,041
And I lost my memory voluntarily.

673
00:43:30,833 --> 00:43:33,666
And it was great. And I was free.

674
00:43:34,916 --> 00:43:37,500
And I could be rid
of all the things that she'd done to me.

675
00:43:38,333 --> 00:43:41,250
[tearfully] And all this hurt
that she caused me.

676
00:43:41,833 --> 00:43:43,458
[sniffles] And all the shame.

677
00:43:46,250 --> 00:43:47,333
You feel ashamed.

678
00:43:48,416 --> 00:43:49,583
You feel dirty.

679
00:43:50,583 --> 00:43:51,666
You feel used.

680
00:43:55,541 --> 00:43:56,708
And all that was gone.

681
00:44:04,666 --> 00:44:07,166
I then suddenly had a nice childhood.

682
00:44:09,125 --> 00:44:10,916
I then suddenly had nice parents.

683
00:44:12,791 --> 00:44:14,333
I then wasn't abused.

684
00:44:15,958 --> 00:44:18,250
All of these things
never happened to me either.

685
00:44:19,541 --> 00:44:23,083
So I was helping him
not to have that childhood,

686
00:44:23,500 --> 00:44:25,625
and I was helping myself at the same time.

687
00:44:28,458 --> 00:44:30,458
And it was magical.

688
00:44:33,625 --> 00:44:36,041
If I close my eyes
and really concentrated,

689
00:44:36,541 --> 00:44:38,041
of course it would all come back.

690
00:44:38,625 --> 00:44:40,666
But on the surface, on a daily level,

691
00:44:41,625 --> 00:44:43,375
I lived in the same circle as him.

692
00:44:45,000 --> 00:44:47,625
So it was a circle of convenience for me,

693
00:44:48,625 --> 00:44:50,125
and it was a necessary...

694
00:44:52,541 --> 00:44:54,458
evil lie...

695
00:44:56,916 --> 00:44:58,458
whatever you wanna call it for him.

696
00:45:03,875 --> 00:45:04,708
[sniffs]

697
00:45:05,791 --> 00:45:06,625
[gulps]

698
00:45:11,625 --> 00:45:13,125
Once my mother had died,

699
00:45:14,000 --> 00:45:16,208
once we had got her in the ground
and she was gone,

700
00:45:17,083 --> 00:45:20,500
then it was as if
the whole saga was finished.

701
00:45:21,000 --> 00:45:23,000
[fire crackling]

702
00:45:28,000 --> 00:45:32,541
When Alex found the photo,
he was experiencing confusion.

703
00:45:34,291 --> 00:45:38,250
When I found the photo, I was experiencing

704
00:45:39,125 --> 00:45:41,333
the horror of what had happened to me.

705
00:45:43,541 --> 00:45:44,875
It can't be anything else.

706
00:45:45,208 --> 00:45:47,208
It can't be an accident.

707
00:45:47,291 --> 00:45:49,958
She couldn't have slipped with
the scissors and chopped the heads off.

708
00:45:50,750 --> 00:45:53,500
It was something macabre and disturbing

709
00:45:54,500 --> 00:45:58,458
that needed to be
put back in a jar instantly,

710
00:45:59,541 --> 00:46:02,333
or risk falling into the abyss.

711
00:46:04,916 --> 00:46:08,000
[Alex] That photo changed it for me.

712
00:46:09,833 --> 00:46:13,125
I just walked straight into the kitchen.

713
00:46:14,000 --> 00:46:17,708
Marcus is standing there,
and I said to him,

714
00:46:18,333 --> 00:46:21,791
"Were we sexually abused or not?"

715
00:46:22,875 --> 00:46:24,958
And he turned around, and he went white.

716
00:46:25,791 --> 00:46:28,958
He didn't know what to do. He turned
around, he had a cup of tea in his hand,

717
00:46:29,416 --> 00:46:31,708
and it dropped out
of his hand onto the floor.

718
00:46:32,291 --> 00:46:38,166
In that split second,
the whole circle evaporated instantly.

719
00:46:39,208 --> 00:46:42,625
And I'll never forget it,
because I knew the game was up.

720
00:46:42,750 --> 00:46:45,875
-[melancholic violin music playing]
-And he just looked at me,

721
00:46:46,875 --> 00:46:48,083
he was silent.

722
00:46:50,416 --> 00:46:56,500
He nodded. He just nodded a yes to me.
He didn't say anything, he just nodded.

723
00:46:57,416 --> 00:46:59,541
And then he turned around,
put his back to me,

724
00:47:00,583 --> 00:47:01,958
and walked into the garden.

725
00:47:14,125 --> 00:47:18,041
I say, "Did Mommy abuse us or not?"
He said, "Yes, she did."

726
00:47:19,833 --> 00:47:21,500
He just put his arm around me,

727
00:47:22,166 --> 00:47:23,916
and he said,

728
00:47:24,791 --> 00:47:26,458
"Yeah, it's true."

729
00:47:29,291 --> 00:47:32,000
And we cried, both of us.

730
00:47:33,958 --> 00:47:35,666
[exasperated sigh]

731
00:47:38,083 --> 00:47:39,625
[cries]

732
00:47:42,166 --> 00:47:44,166
[exasperated sigh]

733
00:47:49,041 --> 00:47:52,541
I just cried and cried. [sighs]
[tearfully] For days.

734
00:47:54,458 --> 00:47:55,791
For days and days.

735
00:47:57,000 --> 00:47:59,875
And... I just didn't know what to do.

736
00:48:00,875 --> 00:48:01,708
I...

737
00:48:02,583 --> 00:48:03,916
didn't know what to do.

738
00:48:04,500 --> 00:48:05,416
[sighs]

739
00:48:12,000 --> 00:48:15,000
I just kept saying, "No, it can't be
Mommy. You've got it wrong."

740
00:48:16,625 --> 00:48:18,375
Our mother couldn't be a pedophile.

741
00:48:19,750 --> 00:48:21,208
She's not that kind of woman.

742
00:48:23,458 --> 00:48:27,791
She had her eccentricities to her,
but she wasn't that.

743
00:48:34,166 --> 00:48:38,041
[Marcus] To my knowledge,
my father never abused us.

744
00:48:39,750 --> 00:48:42,875
And, as much as I hated him
because he was so horrible,

745
00:48:43,583 --> 00:48:46,500
I don't believe he ever knew
that my mother was abusing us.

746
00:48:47,416 --> 00:48:48,750
I would like to think he did,

747
00:48:48,833 --> 00:48:51,708
and he should have done
something about it, but he didn't.

748
00:48:54,458 --> 00:48:56,958
She had that amazing ability to...

749
00:48:57,750 --> 00:48:59,916
almost hypnotize

750
00:49:00,208 --> 00:49:03,416
people around her
and get them to do what she wanted to do.

751
00:49:05,083 --> 00:49:07,041
Everybody thought
she was amazing and lovely,

752
00:49:07,500 --> 00:49:08,791
when underneath she wasn't.

753
00:49:09,666 --> 00:49:13,375
Underneath she was
a very complicated and...

754
00:49:15,291 --> 00:49:16,416
cruel person.

755
00:49:20,541 --> 00:49:23,083
[Alex] As hard as it was to accept
what Mommy had done,

756
00:49:24,333 --> 00:49:27,458
it was much harder to accept
what Marcus had done.

757
00:49:31,833 --> 00:49:35,708
That my own twin had actually lied to me.

758
00:49:39,291 --> 00:49:42,125
-The one person that I absolutely...
-[Marcus sighs]

759
00:49:42,541 --> 00:49:44,208
...trusted 100%

760
00:49:44,833 --> 00:49:45,958
has now betrayed me.

761
00:49:48,291 --> 00:49:49,541
I was angry with him.

762
00:49:50,250 --> 00:49:52,250
Really angry with him
for the first time ever.

763
00:49:53,541 --> 00:49:57,333
I was angry with him
that we knew everything about each other,

764
00:49:57,541 --> 00:50:00,208
and we had no secrets.
We'd do everything together,

765
00:50:00,833 --> 00:50:06,125
yet, behind all of that,
he still had a secret.

766
00:50:07,625 --> 00:50:11,541
How could we have secrets?
We don't have secrets. We're twins.

767
00:50:11,833 --> 00:50:14,125
We're identical twins. We're joined.

768
00:50:14,375 --> 00:50:16,583
Secrets is not something that exists

769
00:50:17,333 --> 00:50:19,583
and has no place in our relationship.

770
00:50:21,125 --> 00:50:22,958
And yet, here it is.

771
00:50:23,250 --> 00:50:24,916
[Marcus] I was almost free of it.

772
00:50:25,041 --> 00:50:29,291
I genuinely got rid of it out of myself,
out of my head.

773
00:50:30,000 --> 00:50:32,375
And Alex had just fucking taken it

774
00:50:32,458 --> 00:50:34,875
from this place
that I'd worked so hard to put it

775
00:50:35,083 --> 00:50:39,500
and just dumped it on the table.
In one second, just like that.

776
00:50:41,083 --> 00:50:43,250
I challenged him on it,

777
00:50:43,791 --> 00:50:47,250
and he just quite simply said
that he wasn't prepared to talk about it.

778
00:50:48,166 --> 00:50:51,750
He said there was sexual abuse,
and that was it.

779
00:50:51,875 --> 00:50:53,208
That was all he gave me.

780
00:50:55,333 --> 00:50:57,500
He would come and ask me, I'd say nothing.

781
00:50:57,583 --> 00:51:00,833
He'd come and ask me, I'd say nothing.

782
00:51:01,208 --> 00:51:03,208
I'd gone into shutdown.

783
00:51:03,583 --> 00:51:05,875
You know what, I've given you
the one piece of information,

784
00:51:05,958 --> 00:51:08,750
I said yes.
That's all you need to know.

785
00:51:11,291 --> 00:51:14,666
And we never spoke about any of it.

786
00:51:16,916 --> 00:51:18,125
[Marcus] I couldn't cope.

787
00:51:18,833 --> 00:51:21,250
I simply could not cope

788
00:51:21,833 --> 00:51:25,458
with the pain, with the--
with the kind of anguish of-- [inhales]

789
00:51:25,916 --> 00:51:28,000
I didn't have the tools to deal with it.

790
00:51:29,250 --> 00:51:31,958
I just wanted to run away
and hide in a hole.

791
00:51:33,125 --> 00:51:34,250
And that's what I did.

792
00:51:41,500 --> 00:51:43,500
[thunder rumbling]

793
00:51:46,125 --> 00:51:47,416
[heavy rain pattering]

794
00:51:54,958 --> 00:51:56,208
[Alex] I was on my own.

795
00:51:57,583 --> 00:52:01,291
Possibly on my own
for the first time in my entire life.

796
00:52:02,375 --> 00:52:04,375
[melancholic music playing]

797
00:52:04,583 --> 00:52:06,208
I had lost my twin.

798
00:52:07,208 --> 00:52:11,583
My one link to my whole existence.

799
00:52:17,916 --> 00:52:20,500
I was left with no details
of what my mom had done.

800
00:52:20,791 --> 00:52:24,000
I was left with no details
about which part of my life was real

801
00:52:24,083 --> 00:52:25,291
and which parts weren't.

802
00:52:26,416 --> 00:52:27,250
Nothing.

803
00:52:28,875 --> 00:52:30,875
[tires moving over gravel]

804
00:52:41,208 --> 00:52:42,958
What made this so hard

805
00:52:43,291 --> 00:52:46,708
was that I'd built my life
around what Marcus had given me.

806
00:52:49,125 --> 00:52:53,166
So it wasn't that I'd just lost Marcus,
I had also just lost myself.

807
00:52:56,166 --> 00:53:00,625
I've re-built my life
from the age of 18 with nothing.

808
00:53:01,791 --> 00:53:06,041
I'm now 32, and I'm back
to where I was before, ground zero.

809
00:53:06,125 --> 00:53:07,250
I'm back to nothing.

810
00:53:07,916 --> 00:53:10,833
I'm starting again, for the second time.

811
00:53:11,916 --> 00:53:17,291
If that's possible. And I've got
to restructure my entire life again!

812
00:53:18,500 --> 00:53:20,500
[rummaging]

813
00:53:27,791 --> 00:53:29,166
So I started

814
00:53:29,750 --> 00:53:33,375
trying to find out who my mother was,

815
00:53:35,125 --> 00:53:36,833
what sort of person she was.

816
00:53:38,875 --> 00:53:40,750
What was this secret life like?

817
00:53:41,125 --> 00:53:43,125
[melancholic piano music playing]

818
00:53:47,708 --> 00:53:51,708
And that was almost an obsession.

819
00:53:56,041 --> 00:53:58,750
I started piecing things together.

820
00:54:00,625 --> 00:54:05,333
I started finding newspaper clips
of my mother when she was a debutante.

821
00:54:05,416 --> 00:54:09,291
And I started finding,
you know, any pieces of information.

822
00:54:14,958 --> 00:54:17,375
Mixed in with the letters
that you would expect to see,

823
00:54:18,375 --> 00:54:21,375
I found lots of passionate love letters.

824
00:54:22,750 --> 00:54:26,125
Letters from people in the army, colonels,

825
00:54:26,208 --> 00:54:28,208
quite prominent people.

826
00:54:30,375 --> 00:54:33,000
Every single one of them
absolutely adored her.

827
00:54:35,916 --> 00:54:39,541
I started to realize that her whole

828
00:54:39,791 --> 00:54:42,500
life revolved around sex.

829
00:54:44,625 --> 00:54:47,791
She had some sort of spell over them.

830
00:54:55,916 --> 00:54:57,291
I did love my mother.

831
00:54:59,500 --> 00:55:01,583
And she was part of my life.

832
00:55:04,000 --> 00:55:07,625
And it was very, very difficult

833
00:55:08,083 --> 00:55:11,500
to marry up the two moms.

834
00:55:13,375 --> 00:55:15,833
The one I knew
and the one I found out about.

835
00:55:17,250 --> 00:55:19,041
It's just...

836
00:55:20,166 --> 00:55:21,750
bigger than I thought it was.

837
00:55:31,250 --> 00:55:33,458
It sent me into an unbelievable spin.

838
00:55:33,541 --> 00:55:35,375
-[cork popping]
-[people cheering]

839
00:55:37,208 --> 00:55:38,666
What is real and what isn't real?

840
00:55:39,875 --> 00:55:41,625
What if the whole damn lot...

841
00:55:41,708 --> 00:55:43,125
[loud muffled boom]

842
00:55:43,375 --> 00:55:44,833
...is a made up story?

843
00:55:49,125 --> 00:55:52,625
-Nothing makes sense.
-[high pitched ringing]

844
00:55:53,583 --> 00:55:56,541
[motorcycle squeals, loud bang]

845
00:55:57,333 --> 00:55:58,875
What else don't I know?

846
00:55:59,291 --> 00:56:01,291
[silence]

847
00:56:13,750 --> 00:56:15,875
I got so down and so depressed

848
00:56:17,666 --> 00:56:19,458
and so confused...

849
00:56:20,291 --> 00:56:21,666
about who I was.

850
00:56:24,750 --> 00:56:27,291
I even had suicidal thoughts.

851
00:56:27,625 --> 00:56:31,041
I-- I couldn't, I just couldn't cope
with day-to-day life.

852
00:56:36,666 --> 00:56:37,958
And it was very...

853
00:56:40,250 --> 00:56:41,250
difficult...

854
00:56:42,708 --> 00:56:43,666
to deal with.

855
00:56:49,125 --> 00:56:53,083
One of the big things that saves me
was meeting my wife.

856
00:56:54,666 --> 00:56:58,000
I met someone who was prepared
not only to take me on,

857
00:56:58,291 --> 00:57:02,125
but was prepared to take on
this extraordinary history

858
00:57:03,500 --> 00:57:06,958
and help me through
my quest for the truth.

859
00:57:08,250 --> 00:57:09,833
[melancholic music playing]

860
00:57:09,958 --> 00:57:12,375
So we got married,
and we've had two children.

861
00:57:13,708 --> 00:57:16,333
And Marcus also got married,
and he's got two children.

862
00:57:16,416 --> 00:57:17,333
[inhales]

863
00:57:17,416 --> 00:57:19,083
And we both got on with our lives.

864
00:57:24,166 --> 00:57:27,166
[Marcus] I was determined
to not let this affect my life.

865
00:57:27,500 --> 00:57:30,791
So I managed to put it away
into Pandora's box, shut the lid,

866
00:57:31,250 --> 00:57:33,666
and get on with a very happy life.

867
00:57:34,416 --> 00:57:35,541
I've had lots of fun.

868
00:57:35,625 --> 00:57:38,333
I've had amazing relationships.
I've got an amazing wife.

869
00:57:38,416 --> 00:57:41,000
I've done all these incredible things
in my life

870
00:57:41,208 --> 00:57:44,000
without having to deal
with any of that stuff.

871
00:57:44,083 --> 00:57:45,375
I just locked it away.

872
00:57:52,500 --> 00:57:56,041
[Alex] I think what makes
this story even more strange

873
00:57:56,458 --> 00:58:00,083
is the fact
that we do everything together.

874
00:58:01,250 --> 00:58:03,583
For the last 20 years,
we've worked together,

875
00:58:03,875 --> 00:58:06,833
we run our companies together,
we do everything together.

876
00:58:11,500 --> 00:58:13,666
We even wrote a book
about our experience.

877
00:58:16,375 --> 00:58:18,416
But Marcus just wouldn't open up.

878
00:58:21,458 --> 00:58:24,166
He wouldn't go
where I needed him to go.

879
00:58:29,125 --> 00:58:30,625
I had questions,

880
00:58:32,000 --> 00:58:33,458
and I needed answers.

881
00:58:34,625 --> 00:58:37,541
And he wasn't prepared to give them to me.

882
00:58:38,625 --> 00:58:40,875
And still hasn't to this day.

883
00:58:43,041 --> 00:58:43,958
[music fades out]

884
00:58:46,666 --> 00:58:49,250
[Marcus] I've been silent
about the real details

885
00:58:49,333 --> 00:58:50,958
of what happened for 20 years.

886
00:58:52,500 --> 00:58:54,708
And I look back on it now,
it's appalling what I did.

887
00:58:55,625 --> 00:58:57,458
I should have gone and given him a hug.

888
00:58:57,625 --> 00:59:00,541
We should've sat down and talked about it,
"How we're gonna get through it?

889
00:59:00,625 --> 00:59:03,916
Let's go for some therapy.
Let's do this together."

890
00:59:04,291 --> 00:59:05,500
And I did the opposite.

891
00:59:08,083 --> 00:59:10,083
[melancholic music playing]

892
00:59:10,791 --> 00:59:13,333
I left him to hang out and dry,
all on his own.

893
00:59:15,541 --> 00:59:19,333
[scoffs] I mean, I just can't believe
that I was capable of doing that...

894
00:59:19,958 --> 00:59:20,833
to him.

895
00:59:21,625 --> 00:59:24,041
And it's shameful, what I did.

896
00:59:26,333 --> 00:59:29,875
And one day
he'll forgive me for that, but...

897
00:59:31,791 --> 00:59:33,666
[breathes deeply]

898
00:59:35,125 --> 00:59:36,166
It's too much.

899
00:59:38,041 --> 00:59:39,000
Too much.

900
00:59:39,666 --> 00:59:41,666
[breathing deeply]

901
00:59:45,916 --> 00:59:48,000
[music fades out]

902
00:59:58,375 --> 00:59:59,708
[eerie music playing]

903
01:00:00,000 --> 01:00:02,000
[breathes deeply]

904
01:00:10,333 --> 01:00:12,416
[Alex] I still don't know who I am.

905
01:00:15,125 --> 01:00:17,125
[breathes deeply]

906
01:00:18,125 --> 01:00:20,208
What I need my brother
to do now is talk...

907
01:00:22,666 --> 01:00:26,833
so I can work out what is real
and what isn't real.

908
01:00:31,583 --> 01:00:34,166
I need him to give me
the last piece of the jigsaw puzzle.

909
01:00:37,375 --> 01:00:38,666
What really happened

910
01:00:40,875 --> 01:00:42,000
back in that house

911
01:00:44,166 --> 01:00:45,375
all those years ago.

912
01:00:58,041 --> 01:00:58,875
[gulps]

913
01:01:10,375 --> 01:01:11,291
[gulps]

914
01:01:15,666 --> 01:01:16,625
Bit close to you.

915
01:01:16,791 --> 01:01:17,875
[Alex chuckles]

916
01:01:20,666 --> 01:01:22,958
-There you go.
-Yeah. Just a tad.

917
01:01:26,250 --> 01:01:31,041
It does seem amazing
that we've done so much together.

918
01:01:31,416 --> 01:01:34,041
We've gone through
so many different things,

919
01:01:35,208 --> 01:01:37,958
but without ever actually sitting down

920
01:01:39,166 --> 01:01:42,125
and saying,
"What was all that about then?"

921
01:01:44,000 --> 01:01:45,750
I've always felt I never needed to.

922
01:01:45,916 --> 01:01:49,000
I've always felt
that you trusted me enough...

923
01:01:51,166 --> 01:01:54,291
and respected me enough
to not have to know all the details.

924
01:01:56,833 --> 01:02:00,666
Yeah. I did accept each thing
as you said it along the way,

925
01:02:01,375 --> 01:02:04,083
but sort of the more I learn,
as we've gone through the story,

926
01:02:05,166 --> 01:02:08,500
the more extraordinary it was

927
01:02:09,000 --> 01:02:11,416
how I didn't question anything you said.

928
01:02:14,000 --> 01:02:15,541
And the...

929
01:02:16,625 --> 01:02:17,916
cost to me,

930
01:02:18,291 --> 01:02:19,958
personally, was enormous.

931
01:02:21,833 --> 01:02:25,791
It was a much harder journey
for me to go through

932
01:02:26,041 --> 01:02:30,000
than you ever imagined
or actually stopped to even work out.

933
01:02:33,166 --> 01:02:35,500
And for me, your secrecy

934
01:02:36,333 --> 01:02:40,166
is something
that I just have found very difficult

935
01:02:40,666 --> 01:02:43,916
because we know everything together.

936
01:02:44,250 --> 01:02:47,250
We're identical twins, we understand
things together, we're linked together.

937
01:02:48,333 --> 01:02:50,458
Yet we have this

938
01:02:51,041 --> 01:02:52,000
unbelievable

939
01:02:52,625 --> 01:02:54,625
separation of silence

940
01:02:55,208 --> 01:02:57,291
that I'm desperately trying
to ask questions,

941
01:02:57,375 --> 01:02:59,333
and you're desperately trying
not to answer them.

942
01:03:01,875 --> 01:03:03,458
And for me, I feel...

943
01:03:05,791 --> 01:03:08,708
that once I've got it,
I can stop my journey.

944
01:03:10,166 --> 01:03:12,541
Do you see what I mean?
I need to stop my journey.

945
01:03:12,833 --> 01:03:14,500
I need to stop searching.

946
01:03:15,000 --> 01:03:16,958
And you can finally be rid of it

947
01:03:17,125 --> 01:03:20,166
at the same time, so we've both
got something to gain from this.

948
01:03:20,708 --> 01:03:23,083
-Just as much as each other.
-I know we have.

949
01:03:23,708 --> 01:03:24,666
You know.

950
01:03:24,750 --> 01:03:27,000
And you've got to understand that
once you came to me

951
01:03:27,458 --> 01:03:29,500
on that day that I'll never forget
and you asked

952
01:03:29,916 --> 01:03:31,291
whether our mother abused us,

953
01:03:31,958 --> 01:03:34,166
and I simply said, "Yes"
but nothing else...

954
01:03:36,666 --> 01:03:38,333
I thought that was perfectly adequate

955
01:03:38,416 --> 01:03:40,208
and you could get on
with your life with that.

956
01:03:41,916 --> 01:03:44,416
But it wasn't. It wasn't for me.

957
01:03:45,458 --> 01:03:46,541
That one moment...

958
01:03:47,708 --> 01:03:49,000
cost me dearly.

959
01:03:49,958 --> 01:03:51,708
Well, it cost me pretty hard, Alex,

960
01:03:52,958 --> 01:03:57,833
because by giving that to you,
I then had to give it all back to myself,

961
01:03:58,208 --> 01:04:00,833
which I'd spent
fucking years getting rid of.

962
01:04:01,416 --> 01:04:03,625
Burying and burying and burying it.

963
01:04:05,250 --> 01:04:06,833
Silence, silence, silence.

964
01:04:07,000 --> 01:04:09,583
Yeah, but it allowed me
to have a free life,

965
01:04:10,166 --> 01:04:11,625
as you were having a free life.

966
01:04:12,250 --> 01:04:13,625
Free of child abuse.

967
01:04:15,208 --> 01:04:17,833
When I took it away from you,
I took it away from me.

968
01:04:18,666 --> 01:04:19,875
Do you not understand that?

969
01:04:24,000 --> 01:04:25,541
I'd been silent for me.

970
01:04:28,708 --> 01:04:29,583
For me.

971
01:04:32,041 --> 01:04:34,416
[tearfully] If I gave it to you,
I had to give it to me.

972
01:04:35,041 --> 01:04:38,750
And I have not been ready
to break the silence.

973
01:04:39,666 --> 01:04:41,125
A silence is a lie.

974
01:04:41,208 --> 01:04:43,583
I have been lying to myself

975
01:04:44,208 --> 01:04:47,541
for 20 years that I was abused.

976
01:04:49,125 --> 01:04:50,958
That is my defense mechanism.

977
01:04:51,041 --> 01:04:54,250
It is a lie. Being silent is a lie.

978
01:04:55,125 --> 01:04:57,458
And telling you what you wanted to know

979
01:04:58,458 --> 01:04:59,958
is breaking the silence.

980
01:05:01,208 --> 01:05:03,541
-Any of the information?
-Anything, Alex,

981
01:05:03,625 --> 01:05:06,583
anything more than,
"Yes, my mother abused us."

982
01:05:06,666 --> 01:05:09,416
I gave you the informa-- You asked me
a question, I told you the answer.

983
01:05:09,500 --> 01:05:11,416
Everything else is off the table.

984
01:05:12,500 --> 01:05:14,333
I couldn't cope with it anymore.

985
01:05:17,958 --> 01:05:19,791
[tearfully]
Don't you understand, Ali?

986
01:05:20,291 --> 01:05:22,250
[tearfully] No, I didn't.
I didn't understand.

987
01:05:22,708 --> 01:05:25,666
-That's why. That's why, Ali.
-I didn't understand it.

988
01:05:28,041 --> 01:05:29,250
I couldn't do that.

989
01:05:30,291 --> 01:05:31,791
I was too much of a coward.

990
01:05:32,125 --> 01:05:34,750
Totally and utterly too much of a coward

991
01:05:35,666 --> 01:05:37,208
to give you anything,

992
01:05:38,250 --> 01:05:39,083
anything.

993
01:05:39,916 --> 01:05:42,625
[normal voice] So I've spent 20 years
searching for it.

994
01:05:43,500 --> 01:05:44,875
Driving myself mad.

995
01:05:46,166 --> 01:05:50,333
Spending hours talking to people,
finding things, scraps of information.

996
01:05:51,125 --> 01:05:54,625
-It ran, it totally ran my life.
-But why couldn't you let it go?

997
01:05:54,791 --> 01:05:56,833
-Why couldn't you accept it?
-I c-- I couldn't.

998
01:05:57,333 --> 01:05:59,083
I just could not let it go.

999
01:05:59,666 --> 01:06:01,583
Do you understand why
I couldn't give it to you?

1000
01:06:01,666 --> 01:06:04,208
Yeah, I do. I do understand that.

1001
01:06:05,208 --> 01:06:07,250
So I was silently doing all my stuff,

1002
01:06:07,875 --> 01:06:11,708
trying to find it, and you were silently
trying not to give me anything.

1003
01:06:11,791 --> 01:06:14,708
-I had no choice, Ali.
-And so it went on and on and on.

1004
01:06:14,916 --> 01:06:16,250
I had no choice.

1005
01:06:19,041 --> 01:06:21,125
We're 54 years old.

1006
01:06:23,250 --> 01:06:26,166
Fifty-four years old, for fuck's sake.

1007
01:06:26,791 --> 01:06:28,458
Having this conversation now.

1008
01:06:29,166 --> 01:06:31,083
We should have had it when we were 20.

1009
01:06:32,041 --> 01:06:34,250
What a fucking waste of 30 years.

1010
01:06:35,833 --> 01:06:36,708
Honestly.

1011
01:06:39,541 --> 01:06:40,541
But we're here now.

1012
01:06:42,708 --> 01:06:43,541
Yeah, we are.

1013
01:06:54,916 --> 01:06:57,375
[inhales, exhales softly]

1014
01:07:10,750 --> 01:07:11,583
[sighs]

1015
01:07:12,166 --> 01:07:13,000
I--

1016
01:07:14,958 --> 01:07:17,750
I don't think I've got the strength
to tell you to your face

1017
01:07:17,916 --> 01:07:19,250
what really happened.

1018
01:07:20,125 --> 01:07:23,375
But I have had
a conversation about it on camera

1019
01:07:24,125 --> 01:07:26,458
and maybe you should have a look at that.

1020
01:07:27,791 --> 01:07:29,916
And that will give you everything
that you need to know.

1021
01:07:33,000 --> 01:07:34,666
And you're happy for me to see that?

1022
01:07:36,541 --> 01:07:39,166
I'm not saying I'm happy. I'm feeling that

1023
01:07:39,333 --> 01:07:41,000
-I have a necessity.
-A necessity.

1024
01:07:42,541 --> 01:07:45,666
It's a necessity, Alex.
We've come to the end of the lie.

1025
01:07:46,958 --> 01:07:47,875
You look at it.

1026
01:07:48,625 --> 01:07:51,125
[tearfully] But I just can't do it
to your face, Ali.

1027
01:07:51,208 --> 01:07:53,083
I'm gonna go away and let you watch it.

1028
01:07:54,750 --> 01:07:55,750
And then we're done.

1029
01:07:56,958 --> 01:07:58,500
-Okay.
-Are you ready to do that?

1030
01:08:00,375 --> 01:08:01,208
Yes.

1031
01:08:07,666 --> 01:08:09,958
Well, you're making me
very scared now, but...

1032
01:08:11,291 --> 01:08:13,750
I don't really understand
why you need to see it.

1033
01:08:14,208 --> 01:08:15,541
I still don't get it.

1034
01:08:16,625 --> 01:08:19,125
So we can be
fully connected again, Markie.

1035
01:08:20,625 --> 01:08:23,125
-I guess so.
-I need the lie to stop.

1036
01:08:25,708 --> 01:08:27,416
And I need my life to be real.

1037
01:08:30,000 --> 01:08:33,083
My life is not real.
My life is the one you gave me, Markie.

1038
01:08:33,291 --> 01:08:35,083
My life is what you wanted it to be.

1039
01:08:36,041 --> 01:08:37,875
My life has been dictated by you.

1040
01:08:38,958 --> 01:08:41,166
I need something. I need to own this.

1041
01:08:43,250 --> 01:08:45,541
-Okay. All right.
-Okay?

1042
01:08:47,291 --> 01:08:48,416
[sighs]

1043
01:08:56,375 --> 01:08:57,791
[gulps]

1044
01:09:25,791 --> 01:09:27,125
[exhales]

1045
01:09:28,625 --> 01:09:29,583
[click]

1046
01:09:47,708 --> 01:09:48,541
[sighs]

1047
01:09:49,333 --> 01:09:51,333
[breathes deeply]

1048
01:10:03,208 --> 01:10:04,875
I've never told a living soul...

1049
01:10:06,166 --> 01:10:07,458
about what happened.

1050
01:10:10,791 --> 01:10:12,541
I barely told myself what happened.

1051
01:10:14,333 --> 01:10:16,625
So you're asking me to give you something

1052
01:10:18,375 --> 01:10:20,583
that I've never given
to anybody in my life.

1053
01:10:24,958 --> 01:10:27,166
[breathes deeply]

1054
01:10:32,333 --> 01:10:33,166
[sniffs]

1055
01:10:33,458 --> 01:10:34,291
[gulps]

1056
01:10:49,750 --> 01:10:50,583
Okay.

1057
01:10:50,875 --> 01:10:51,958
[clink]

1058
01:10:52,041 --> 01:10:55,250
[breathes deeply]
Just as a "fuck you" to her. Let's do it.

1059
01:11:02,250 --> 01:11:06,375
My mother would take us into her room...

1060
01:11:07,541 --> 01:11:09,250
she would take us into her bed.

1061
01:11:11,541 --> 01:11:13,375
She would make us touch each other.

1062
01:11:13,458 --> 01:11:16,208
She would make us play with each other.

1063
01:11:17,375 --> 01:11:21,750
She would touch us.
She would masturbate us.

1064
01:11:23,500 --> 01:11:27,583
She would do things that no mother
should ever do to their child.

1065
01:11:30,000 --> 01:11:31,291
And then she moved on.

1066
01:11:31,916 --> 01:11:34,958
Not only did she want to do those things
for her own gratification,

1067
01:11:35,916 --> 01:11:38,041
she then passed us around to her friends.

1068
01:11:39,333 --> 01:11:42,291
So she would drive us to friends' houses,

1069
01:11:42,958 --> 01:11:46,708
have dinner and a glass of wine,
and then leave us there.

1070
01:11:48,708 --> 01:11:50,875
Never together, always on our own.

1071
01:11:52,000 --> 01:11:55,916
And then some strange man
that I'd never met and I never knew

1072
01:11:56,416 --> 01:11:59,958
would take me into his bed
and touch me

1073
01:12:00,875 --> 01:12:04,041
and rape me and violate me.

1074
01:12:05,916 --> 01:12:07,500
For his gratification.

1075
01:12:09,000 --> 01:12:11,916
And then, in the morning,
my mother would come and pick me up

1076
01:12:12,458 --> 01:12:13,500
and drive me home.

1077
01:12:14,875 --> 01:12:17,291
Never speaking, never talking.

1078
01:12:17,791 --> 01:12:21,916
What did I do in the car?
I was silent and I was quiet.

1079
01:12:23,875 --> 01:12:26,375
Always silent, always quiet.

1080
01:12:27,333 --> 01:12:29,708
And then it would happen again and again.

1081
01:12:31,375 --> 01:12:33,083
And then she would take Alex away.

1082
01:12:33,958 --> 01:12:35,416
I would be lying in my bed...

1083
01:12:35,500 --> 01:12:37,875
-[sobbing]
-...in my room.

1084
01:12:38,625 --> 01:12:40,625
Alex wouldn't be there, he's my twin.

1085
01:12:41,125 --> 01:12:42,958
He would be staying with a friend.

1086
01:12:44,208 --> 01:12:47,166
And this was something
that was a normality in our life.

1087
01:12:47,375 --> 01:12:49,041
This was something we grew up with.

1088
01:12:49,875 --> 01:12:51,208
And we accept it.

1089
01:12:52,500 --> 01:12:53,708
Children accept it.

1090
01:12:54,208 --> 01:12:57,791
Children will accept anything
because they love their parents.

1091
01:12:58,583 --> 01:13:03,916
And they think that what their parents
is doing is part of growing up.

1092
01:13:06,000 --> 01:13:07,416
We don't have the capacity

1093
01:13:08,500 --> 01:13:09,708
to feel that we...

1094
01:13:10,541 --> 01:13:11,875
[tearfully] know it's wrong.

1095
01:13:12,375 --> 01:13:13,208
And...

1096
01:13:14,625 --> 01:13:15,458
[gulps]

1097
01:13:16,000 --> 01:13:18,416
[normal voice] even now,
all these years later,

1098
01:13:19,458 --> 01:13:20,791
I think to myself,

1099
01:13:21,666 --> 01:13:23,041
"Fuck you, Mother.

1100
01:13:23,166 --> 01:13:27,833
How fucking dare you think
that you can do that to me?"

1101
01:13:30,041 --> 01:13:33,791
But she's gone. She's died.
She's got away with it.

1102
01:13:35,125 --> 01:13:36,666
And I can't say that to her.

1103
01:13:38,000 --> 01:13:39,375
And I regret that.

1104
01:13:40,125 --> 01:13:41,583
I bitterly regret that.

1105
01:13:44,125 --> 01:13:44,958
[gulps]

1106
01:13:45,500 --> 01:13:48,125
But now... I'm speaking out.

1107
01:13:49,125 --> 01:13:50,333
Now I'm telling you.

1108
01:13:50,958 --> 01:13:53,625
I've never met you all.
I don't know who you are.

1109
01:13:54,208 --> 01:13:58,333
[tearfully] But you know who my mother is.
And you know what she's done is wrong.

1110
01:14:01,000 --> 01:14:03,625
[exasperated sigh]
And that's very powerful.

1111
01:14:04,458 --> 01:14:05,416
And I need that.

1112
01:14:07,541 --> 01:14:08,625
We all need that.

1113
01:14:12,000 --> 01:14:12,833
[exhales]

1114
01:14:13,416 --> 01:14:14,250
[sniffles]

1115
01:14:30,958 --> 01:14:31,875
[sighs]

1116
01:14:47,833 --> 01:14:49,833
[breathes deeply]

1117
01:14:54,750 --> 01:14:58,291
[leaves rustling]

1118
01:15:11,083 --> 01:15:13,083
[car engine starts]

1119
01:15:16,875 --> 01:15:18,875
[tires moving over gravel]

1120
01:15:28,875 --> 01:15:30,791
[car engine fading away]

1121
01:15:35,041 --> 01:15:37,041
[silence]

1122
01:15:44,666 --> 01:15:46,041
[chair dragging]

1123
01:15:46,125 --> 01:15:47,125
[Marcus exhales]

1124
01:16:00,833 --> 01:16:01,875
I knew some of that.

1125
01:16:02,833 --> 01:16:05,375
I guessed some of that.
I thought about some of that.

1126
01:16:07,125 --> 01:16:08,791
I just didn't know the magnitude of it.

1127
01:16:12,750 --> 01:16:14,250
I didn't know it was as big as that.

1128
01:16:14,333 --> 01:16:16,333
[eerie music playing]

1129
01:16:23,500 --> 01:16:24,333
[exhales]

1130
01:16:30,000 --> 01:16:32,000
[rain pattering]

1131
01:16:41,041 --> 01:16:44,250
[Alex] How d-- how did we get out
of that house in one piece?

1132
01:16:48,333 --> 01:16:49,833
Do you want to hear about all that?

1133
01:16:50,958 --> 01:16:53,166
We're here now.
We're never gonna do this again.

1134
01:16:55,083 --> 01:16:56,416
[grunts]

1135
01:16:57,833 --> 01:16:59,875
So, the last time that I was...

1136
01:17:01,541 --> 01:17:04,125
passed about, for want of a better word...

1137
01:17:06,083 --> 01:17:08,750
I was driven to London by Mommy.

1138
01:17:11,333 --> 01:17:14,500
She had dinner with this guy, an artist.

1139
01:17:16,125 --> 01:17:17,916
Supposedly quite a famous artist.

1140
01:17:18,583 --> 01:17:19,625
We had dinner.

1141
01:17:20,000 --> 01:17:21,000
She left.

1142
01:17:22,916 --> 01:17:24,458
And I stayed in the house.

1143
01:17:25,750 --> 01:17:30,208
And then he came into my-- into this room,
which was surrounded by paintings

1144
01:17:30,583 --> 01:17:31,875
and it had a four-poster bed,

1145
01:17:31,958 --> 01:17:34,291
and he got into into the bed
with me and started touching me.

1146
01:17:37,083 --> 01:17:39,916
[clicks tongue]
And I was 14 years old.

1147
01:17:41,541 --> 01:17:45,250
And once he got down to my genitals...

1148
01:17:46,791 --> 01:17:49,000
I sat up in bed and I said, "No.

1149
01:17:50,833 --> 01:17:53,125
I don't want this. I don't like this."

1150
01:17:53,833 --> 01:17:55,000
And I pushed him away,

1151
01:17:55,541 --> 01:17:58,791
and he got very aggressive.
And I managed to get out of his house.

1152
01:18:01,125 --> 01:18:03,708
-And I got home.
-How did you get home?

1153
01:18:05,625 --> 01:18:06,875
How's that even possible?

1154
01:18:07,666 --> 01:18:10,541
I walked down to the tube.

1155
01:18:12,083 --> 01:18:15,708
I jumped on a tube with no money,
but you could do in those days.

1156
01:18:16,291 --> 01:18:18,041
I got onto the train with no money.

1157
01:18:19,583 --> 01:18:20,708
And I walked home.

1158
01:18:29,833 --> 01:18:32,458
And I came in, I knocked on the window,
and you let me in.

1159
01:18:33,666 --> 01:18:36,708
I got into my bed and I went to sleep.

1160
01:18:40,250 --> 01:18:43,250
-And the next day we carried on--
-What the hell did Mommy say to that then?

1161
01:18:43,333 --> 01:18:45,458
How-- She didn't even know
you were in the house?

1162
01:18:46,458 --> 01:18:49,375
Nothing. I came up in the morning.
We had breakfast.

1163
01:18:49,833 --> 01:18:51,875
She looked very surprised
that I was there.

1164
01:18:53,625 --> 01:18:56,833
And I looked at her. And she looked at me.

1165
01:18:58,458 --> 01:18:59,875
And it never happened again.

1166
01:19:01,875 --> 01:19:04,625
-And that was the end of it, Ali.
-Without saying anything?

1167
01:19:04,833 --> 01:19:06,583
[tearfully] Without saying anything.

1168
01:19:08,541 --> 01:19:09,625
[mutters] Fuck.

1169
01:19:13,291 --> 01:19:15,166
And she never did it to you again.

1170
01:19:16,000 --> 01:19:19,083
You never left.
You never were out of the house again.

1171
01:19:20,083 --> 01:19:21,291
And it was finished.

1172
01:19:22,958 --> 01:19:23,791
[gulps]

1173
01:19:24,833 --> 01:19:26,083
That's how it stopped.

1174
01:19:27,375 --> 01:19:28,208
[sighs]

1175
01:19:47,333 --> 01:19:49,333
[breathes deeply]

1176
01:19:51,291 --> 01:19:52,625
Now you've got everything.

1177
01:19:54,208 --> 01:19:55,583
You've got everything, Ali.

1178
01:19:58,250 --> 01:19:59,333
That's what I needed.

1179
01:20:01,083 --> 01:20:02,166
That's what I needed.

1180
01:20:03,625 --> 01:20:04,458
Yeah.

1181
01:20:05,000 --> 01:20:07,000
No more lies! No more lies.

1182
01:20:07,958 --> 01:20:10,208
No more silence. No more secrets.

1183
01:20:14,666 --> 01:20:17,958
And I have you back... with me.

1184
01:20:22,625 --> 01:20:23,458
[exhales]

1185
01:20:25,416 --> 01:20:27,416
[both crying]

1186
01:20:35,625 --> 01:20:36,541
[groans]

1187
01:20:37,916 --> 01:20:38,791
[sobs]

1188
01:20:45,416 --> 01:20:47,416
[birds chirping]

1189
01:21:04,541 --> 01:21:07,541
[Alex] There is no way for me to repay him
for what he's done.

1190
01:21:12,750 --> 01:21:14,750
And there is no words I can say to him.

1191
01:21:18,875 --> 01:21:19,791
But he knows.

1192
01:21:21,041 --> 01:21:22,041
And that's enough.

1193
01:21:29,625 --> 01:21:30,583
It's over.

1194
01:21:32,083 --> 01:21:33,041
Finally.

1195
01:21:36,833 --> 01:21:37,833
And we move on.

1196
01:21:54,041 --> 01:21:56,041
[soft piano music playing]