Fate Partial Venting

sigh, must be nice to get attention
must be nice to just "have it" and I clearly f.ucking don't
looks, charm, charisma, personality, idek
must be nice being able to talk about stuff
while I'm stuck being third/fourth/fifth/etc wheel
must be nice to have people vying for your attention
while I get f.ucking ignored
must be nice, I wouldn't know the f.ucking feeling
must be nice when it seems like everyone is interested in flirting/talking dirty fetish-wise and I'm f.ucking left alone
must be nice having a job
must be nice having a future
must be nice being good at stuff that other people like so they're drawn to you
must be nice knowing you're eventually going to move out and have your own place and be able to visit others or invite people to your place
must be f.ucking nice
kill me.
why do I even bother
everyone can do it just fine
but if I do it
nope
rejected or eventually ignored
usually for someone else
all the f.ucking time.
maybe I'll just mute every channel and just only join vc
I'm in the vc right now and I'm just a f.ucking fourth wheel
and one of the people isn't even in the call
they're just talking in vc chat
like
kill me.
sigh
I hate being an attention whore
but maybe I wouldn't be this way if I ever got any f.ucking attention ever in basically my entire life
27
27 f.ucking years old
and I can't do shit with my life
27.
we have 18-20 year olds who, while their life isn't perfect, they have a job, they have a future, they have a plan
I have f.ucking nothing at 27
sorry to spam your discord of all places
usually I vent to myself but sometimes I vent to another person because I just want someone to hear me out
it's hard
seriously.
the server is active, we have these nice long VCs
and yet, I'm still thinking about leaving the server
because
I just hate myself
I send videos in the fart channel, every single one of them gets f.ucking ignored
literally anyone else does it, comments galore
or even just 1-2 comments
must be nice
must
be
f.ucking
nice
wouldn't know the feeling
and at this rate
I probably never will
honestly, I just wish I never had this/these fetish/es
it would make my life a lot easier
like I'd still have problems but
it wouldn't be as bad
and I don't think I would hate myself as much
I wish I could say this on the server but
it'd probably just be seen as me bitching too much or
"your fault for not being appealing enough" or some shit
"be yourself" is legitimately the worst f.ucking advice I have ever heard
yeah
just
still being ignored in the convo with only 3 other people in it
kill me.
I hate bitching all the time
but I can't help it
If I keep this shit to myself I'll actually go insane
you can just tell when people just aren't interested in you
and
it just sucks
because it feels like that's how it is with everyone
someone talks about hot a fart is or they want to sniff it
boom, the other person seems into it, DMs, etc.
I do the same thing
no response
like
f.ucking hell
am I just that f.ucking terrible or boring of a person
maybe I am
after all, there are so many things I've never done compared to everyone else
I didn't play that many games or watch much anime/TV/movies
so it's so much harder for me to join conversations and connect with others
and I'm 27 so I'm just that much older
and a lot of people dislike or are just not comfortable with the age gap
I mean, I can't get mad at them for that, it's understandable
it just sucks
lmao
and like
it feels like the fetish talk starts/continues as soon as I leave
SIGH
I want to be someone else
I hate life.
honestly, I hate being and sounding this desperate
I know how f.ucking pathetic it is
but I can't help it
17 f.ucking years
the only experience I had was 17 years ago and it wasn't even in my face (and obviously not fetish related because I was only 10 at the time it happened)
most people in that server are barely 18 or 19
that's basically their entire f.ucking life
that I've been waiting
with nothing
while everyone else has had some kind of nice experience with someone else or
OR SOMETHING
and then of course the usual
"oh don't worry, you'll find someone"
"girls would love to be with you"
yeah that makes sense
that's exactly why they are with LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE
I am pretty sure I was like 1 of the like 5 single guys in high school
actually f.ucking insane
and my high school had around 3,000 people
I feel like my lack of experience and constant f.ucking rejection while everyone and their god damn grandmother was scoring
just makes me that much more envious
and given my current situation
there is NOTHING I can do about
literally nothing
I can't stand it
I'm f.ucking trapped
and it seems like the only way out is either running away because who the f.uck cares and why not
or suicide
sigh
I'm sorry
I'll eventually delete all of this if I remember
I just
sigh
sigh
is all I can say
same with
must be nice, wouldn't know the feeling