The Story of Blossy and Agent Picolax - The Bowel Prep Saga

So some of you may know. I'm having a bit of a rubbish few weeks. I had to go to A&E a few times for the worst pain in my life in my abdomen. After some diagnotics, ultrasound.. CT Scan... MRI... Lovely Consultants etc...
I am left here today with letters in my hands and a wild ride.... I must undergo a Colonoscopy and Gastrocopy in my mid-fucking twenties!
Big Oof.
What they do not tell you is that 36 hours before your appointment you must go on a adventure... An adventure that most Jedi do not know of....
The Story of Blossy and Agent Picolax - The Bowel Prep Saga
Picolax turned my bum from it's usual dormant state, Mount Vesuvius: An impressive and majestic sight with occasional noxious whiffs, regular minor expulsions of dangerous matter and a very rare display of awesome ferocity worthy of international acclaim.
... Into....
A portal from another collapsing largely aqueos universe where all compressed matter emerges at trans-light speeds, expanding exponentially as it emerges from the "wormhole".

If you think the widespread deluges of rain experience this summer in any way approaches Biblical Proportions then rest assured this story will provide eivdence to entirely revise your delusion.
---
I will add three pieces of advice, two very useful, the other VERY SERIOUS if you ever have to undergo what I had to go through.
1) Wear tracksuit bottoms or any other baggy style apparel with a elasticated waist. This may  give you an outside chance on your adventure...
PLEASE READ THE NEXT ITEM VERY CAREFULLY BEFORE TAKING AGENT PICOLAX
2) CHECK THE DATE AND TIME OF APPOINTMENT ON THE HOSPITAL LETTER
I REPEAT.
2) CHECK THE DATE AND TIME OF APPOINTMENT ON THE HOSPITAL LETTER.
3) HAVE A GODDAMN FRIEND CHECK THE DATE AND TIME OF APPOINTMENT ON THE HOSPITAL LETTER.
---
So before any of this I had a lovely appointment with my Consultant. I wanted to get this all done and dusted. The doctor took a look at my majestic ass and with only the words "Breathe Out" as a warning, proceed to instantly put an expression on my face more commonly associated with rides of "The Big One" at Alton Towers. Believe me! I FELT like I was riding a VERY BIG ONE. The only word I could manage was a big ol' "OOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFF"
Bing bang bosh. A few days later I got a letter from the hospital plus two sachets of Agent Picolax.
--
In true British Blokey fashion I then "Man Read" the letter. As in, I opened it... I scanned it... Then took out the "Free Gifts"
WARNING. MISTAKE ALERT.
WARNING. FUCKING BIG MISTAKE ALERT
Right so on "Monday the 20th November, I was going to have an "Investigate Procedure"
And so for the entire weekend I would be restricted to CLEAR FLUIDS ONLY.
So no real good from 8pm on Friday night. Slap up meal on Friday comprising of orange juice, coffee without milk or "Clear Soup" (Fuck that). A couple of beers can't possible do any harm...
(ERRM.. WRONG DICKHEAD. BUT THAT'S THE LEAST OF YOUR PROBLEMS)
So the weekend I have to sip my delicous "Clear Soups" while my family sit down to roast beef, yorkshire puddings, gravy roasties, peas, carrots. FOLLOWED BY A FUCKING TRIFLE...
Nevermind then.. I'll tuck into my glass of orange juice and a few beets... (TWAT)
Whilst they sit back in their post scoff bliss. I prepare for my first meeting... With Agent Picolax..
(CUE MUSIC FROM JAWS)
You know how in those stories how insignificant it seems when the cork is removed from the bottle found on shore and a genie trapped for a thousand years pops out?
Well hold that fucking thought.
Where were we...
A few minutes later. Agent Picolax has entered the building (orally)
Not too bad to be perfectly honest with you. Tasted a bit like lemon sherbert, to be fair. If most energy drinks tasted like this then they'd be more popular.
As these foolish thoughts are noodling around in my head... A butterfly in the Amazon Rainforest flaps it's wings...
A storm of geological cataclyslic ferocity, fueled by the appopeltic Agent Picolax is gathering pace and mass... It will reveal itself too late upon the unwary and unprepared... Oh yes...
Seeing as i'm used to the odd beer an curry. I'm pretty used to the ocassional "Rumbly in my tummy" so surely nothing to worry about?
... tick tock tick tock tick tock...
---
The air was still.
The usual background drone of distant traffic was gone...
I diddn't notice it get quieter..
Even the barking dogs and the tweeting birds had fallen to a confusing silence...
I was alone in my home.. Quiet.
The eyes of the nations were foccused upon me. A single point.
The epicentre...
I turned to see what was approaching...
I realised too late what it was and they already knew only too well.. The epicentre wasbehind me.
But this was no typical pantomine villan.
This was KRAKATOA'S BIG DRUNK ANGRY BROTHER
And he'd come to kick the living shit out of me.
RIGHT NOW!
--
I read that Lake Baikal in Siberia is the largest body of fresh water on the planet.
So large that, if empty, it would take every river on planet earth flowing into it for a FULL YEAR for it fully refill.
Or
The contents of my arse would do the same job in 15 minutes flat.
--
Eventually.... that Saturday night, as it says in the bible, the waters receeded and peace returned to the land....
Once the aftershocks had finally diminished and stopped I showered my skin..
There was nothing inside me. Not even my skeletal remains.
I finally went to bed and set my alarm for 6AM in order to arise and prepare myself for round two...
8AM. THE SECOND ROUND OF PICOLAX WAS BOOKED.
It would be the appointment that I would never forget...
---
I awoke at almost the same time as my alarm went off, all in all I had a pretty good nights sleep. I felt warm, safe and happy. Lying in my super comfy bed in that delicous half sleep world where I am at the height of my prowess as a GOD.....
The rabbit from Donnie Darko taps me on the shoulder.. I turn and it says...
"Your appointment with Agent Picolax, Mr Blossy..."
[Music from shower scene in Psycho]
I felt like I was in the lift at the Shard in london and it is dropping unchecked.. The brakes had failed...
Oh sweet lord in heaven...
No please... Not that.. Anything but that...
My feet are moving but my mind is numb.
Like in all nightmares, the harder you strugle, the faster you run away, the closer the MONSTER gets you...
So you end up breaking... You become a quivering mess and submit to THE HORROR.
You hate yourself for being weak... "One more struggle and I would of been free..."
TOO LATE NOW
I stand before the bathroom mirror. the EVENT from the night before must of sucked the very eyes from my sockets, because, I can't see properly... The reflection in the mirror isn;'t of a Fat bearded boye... But of a huge used tampon.
---
I finally find "Free Gift #2" (Oh the irony) and like the beaten drone I now am, I tear open the satchet, releasing the genie pent up these last 100,000 years, and mix the "Magic potion"
Then the condemmed husk of a man deprieved of even a blindfold, last cigarette, last meal or even a tumble in the jungle with Debbie from Sales, raises the glass to his lips... and swallows.
I'm ready for you this time, I cry out. "Come on! Come and av' a go!"
I spin and park my arse, now deeply grooved and splintered from the previous night rounds of repeated nuclear detonations, on the toilet.
I wait... Time itself pauses....
Distracted for a fraction of a second and he;'s onto me immediatly wringing me dry... Agent Picolax.
I wondered just where he'd been and he's about to let me know...
He's dancing on my head as from my "Ring of Bright Water" emerges the contents of the Pacific Ocean and it's family and my god, they're in a rush...
After a period of time that could have been less than a nanosecond or longer than than a genis internment for 100,000 years.. I know he is finally gone.
I am dust. But it is done. There is peace.
---
Time to sort myself out for the Day Hospital...
Complete change of spare clothes plus 10 pairs of boxers that if neccesary I will weae them all at the same time along with two plus pair of jeans... Yes. That should be enough to minimise the death roll...
Right!
Before I leave I go through my checks.
No food for 36 hours. Check.
Clear fluids only. Check...ish... (Beer is not clear)
Free Gift #1 at T-Minus 27 hours... Check.
Free Gift #2 at T-Minus 3 hours... Check.
Sweet! Time to go to Hospital.
TUESDAY 20TH
TUESDAY 20TH
TUESDAY 20TH
NOT MONDAY 20TH. TODAY.
TUESDAY 20TH
....
All of that struggle and I prepared myself for the wrong day.. It was all pointless... I have to go through all of it again...
-----
"Hello Hospital... Errr.. I've got an appointment for Tuesday... Yep, that's right the 20th.. I was wondering if there was ANY chance you could uh... see me today?"
I'm afraid not. Is there a problem? If you cancel the next appointment is in the new year...
"NO NO NO NO! I don't want to cancel... I just want to be seen today..."
HAVE YOU TAKEN YOUR PICOLAX YET? (Stifled sounds... The unerving feelings that nearby extensions are being lifted...)
Y...Yes....
I'M SORRY. I CAN'T HEAR YOU. DID YOU SAY YOU HAVE TAKEN  BOTH SATCHETS OF PICOLAX??!? (More stifled sounds. The presence of numerous 3rd parties confirmed.)
".....Yes...... Both Satchets..... Can I get some more?"
(They diddn't even try to stifle their laughter this time, all women, about 10 of them said in unison laughing)
YOU SAY YOU'D LIKE SOME MORE PICOLAX? Harr Harr Harr
"No... I asked if I could get some more... I deffo did not say I'D LIKE SOME MORE"
If you drop down today we'll reissue you with a repeat prescription which you can take to the pharmacy. Okay?
"ok..."
[At the Hospital]
"What name is it please?" Says a good looking red headed beauty of a nurse with a twinkle in her eye and a grin at her lips
At the same time of her saying that she is making some sort of SECRET SIGN for EVERY good looking female nurse to emerge from their various hidey holes... To be honest I did not think hospitals employed so many NATIONALLY never mind at the fucking local BUM CLINIC.
"Blossy..."
"Ah yes! TWO SATCHETS OF PICOLAX!!!!"
Sirens, alarms, party poppers and flashing lights all go off.
BINGO LAAAYYDEEEZZZ AND GENTLEMEEEENN. WE HAVE THE WINNER OF THE LORD ELIZABETH FUCKWIT OF THE YEAR TROPHY!!!
Then comes the killer question...
"Do you know how to take it?"
"yes..."
Blossy exits the Bum Factory for the day and the workers roll about the floor in laughter...
By the time I got home it was about 4PM... 2 hours to eat and then back... once again... Into the hands of Agent Picolax.
But even with my double dosage of Picolax (Four fucking satchets)
Nothing... Will prepare me for... THE PROCEDURE Tommorow...
TO BE CONTINUED