Lessons Learned

"Do you want to go to the festival with me?"

You're dumbfounded. Here you were, meticulously planning how you could finally get Anon into your loving arms, and he just walks up to you and says something like this? For a moment, you're at a loss for words.

Just for a moment, though. Your senses return quickly, and you compose your face into something you hope resembles your usual poise.

"O-of course, Anon!" you exclaim, cursing internally at the slight stutter. If anything, though, it just seems to make him smile wider. With a cheery "Great, I'll look forward to it!", he waves and heads off down the corridor.

The next week passes in a sort of daze. Can this really be happening? After all the false hope, all the resets, all the things you've seen...and done...have you finally found your happy ending? It feels weird for it not to be a result of all your hard work, but you're not about to look THAT particular gift horse in the mouth.

The day of the festival arrives. You pick up one of the pamphlets you and Anon made over the weekend, reading through it to make sure everything's perfect. Like the Sunday the two of you spent together. Your eyes glaze over as you can't help but imagine the rest of your lives playing out like that...

"Monika?"

Sayori's upbeat tone startles you out of your reverie.

"Ah, Sayori! I was just doing a final check on these pamphlets..."

"I'm sure they're fine, Monika! Now come on, the fun's about to start!"

"It is? I must have lost track of time, ahaha..."

You put the pamphlet back onto the stack and set to distributing the club's work amongst the desks placed around the classroom. They've been arranged into a semicircle with the teacher's desk brought out in front, creating a stage of sorts. Once that's done, you take a moment to admire the preparations the rest of the club has made.

The first thing you notice is a subtle smell wafting into your nose. Lavender? Whatever it is, it combines with the soft purple of the banners and streamers to set the scene perfectly. A gold-trimmed tablecloth laid over the desk in front rounds off the room with quiet dignity. You can only imagine how spectacular it will look with a sunset framed in the windows.

As you turn away from the scene before you, you spot a large tray of cupcakes sitting on a strategically placed desk near the door. Muttering something to yourself about quality assurance, you grab one and take a bite. Utterly divine, as always...you really can't get enough of these. As you savour the baked treat, your thoughts roam back over the pamphlets you'd just finished placing.

You remember being seriously impressed with the design when you first saw it: Adorned with a newly club logo on the front, with little sketches of each club member reciting their poems of choice inside and a short recruitment blurb on the back. You honestly have no idea how Sayori managed to pull it together in a single Saturday, but it was thanks to that you were able to have Anon all to yourself the day after...

You let out a small sigh and look up from your now empty cupcake wrapper. "Sayori?"

She looks up from the pamphlet she was inspecting. "Mm?"

"...thanks."

She shoots you a quizzical look.

"For the pamphlet designs. For organizing Yuri and Natsuki when I was running late this morning. For being a great vice president...and a great friend."

"A-ah, it's no problem, ehehe..."

She looks away bashfully, but with a grin plastered across her face. You give her one in return and toss the wrapper in a nearby bin.

The rest of the club show up just in time. Yuri and Natsuki start babbling out apologies for taking so long to freshen up after putting up all the decorations, but you wave them off good-naturedly. Anon looks over one of the pamphlets and smiles up at you. You can barely keep your facial expression under control as you smile back.

The event goes even better than you could have expected. The lone wrapper in the bin is soon joined by every single other one as rumors of the Literature Club's delicious cupcakes lure more and more people into the clubroom. The perfectly tuned atmosphere entices them to stay, and each poem is met with a cheerful round of applause. Pretty much everyone takes a pamphlet with them when they leave, and one poor fellow is so engrossed in the booklet that he walks straight into the door frame!

Once the last poem is read and the last student has filed out, you let yourself relax. Sinking back into the teacher's chair with a contented smile on your face, you only open your eyes when you feel a tap on your shoulder. You look up to see Anon standing there, one hand extended towards you. Wordlessly you place your hand in his and stand up to follow his lead, the slightest of blushes tinging your cheeks as you head out to explore the rest of the festival.

This, too, goes better than you ever could have dreamed. The other clubs are fascinating, the food is delicious, the stars are gorgeous, and throughout it all you keep catching Anon sneaking glances at you when he thinks you're not looking. It's adorable. He's adorable. You didn't think it was possible to love him more than you already did, but here you are. As the festival begins to wind down, the two of you find yourselves laying down on the face of a grassy hill.

"Anon..."

He turns his head to look at you with those damnable, beautiful eyes.

"I love you, Anon."

He smiles.

"Thank you for saying so, Monika. With how well today went, visiting the festival with the girl I really love is sure to be a success!"

You barely have time to process his words before the world collapses into light, color, and that horrible screeching sound.

---

You wake up in your bed, tears streaming down your face. You check the calendar. Sure enough, it's the day the game starts on. You don't want to get out of bed, but the script forces you to. Maybe you could shake it off with the right commands...but you can't be bothered to try. You just let it run you through your morning routine and head to school as usual.

The next week passes in an entirely different sort of daze. You're sure you look like a miserable wreck, but nobody seems to notice or even care. After the third day of Anon blatantly lavishing attention on Sayori, despair gives way to anger. How could he play with your heart like that? How could she steal him away from you? That little thief! You'll plunge her into the depths of despair for what she's done, and then...

...then it hits you. This was how Sayori felt, all those times you guided her neck into a noose. What you've been going through this week, you must have inflicted on her tenfold by now. Your anger snuffs itself out as quickly as it flared. You can't bring yourself to harm her again, so you just...give up. You'll let them have their festival together, and then you'll remove yourself from the picture. It feels fitting...it feels right.

You make it through to the weekend, somehow. You're looking forward to being able to just...do nothing for two days, at least insofar as you can look forward to anything right now. Around mid-afternoon, though, your plan is foiled by a knock at the door.

Recognition jolts your sluggish mind - Sayori was coming over to help with the pamphlets, wasn't she? You figured she'd be spending the weekend with Anon, but Natsuki practically strong-armed him into baking with her instead. You consider trying to dress yourself before answering the door, but ultimately you just head downstairs and answer it in your pajamas.

Sayori's smile fades quickly when she sees your clothes, your hair, and most of all your expression. "...can I come in?" she asks, suddenly unsure. You step to the side and gesture into the hallway with your hand. She takes a few steps forward, then turns around as you're closing the door.

"Monika, is everything alright?"

"I'm fine, Sayori."

"It's just...it seems like you-"

"I'm FINE, Sayori". Your voice comes out a little too harshly. Hastily, you apologize and try to cover up your outburst with a smile. Sayori returns it, but with a sad, knowing look in her eyes.

"...I've seen that smile before, Monika. Don't think you can fool me with it". She steps forward, holding out her arms. You don't move. She wraps them gently around you. You don't resist. She squeezes gently. You stare over her shoulder at the wall behind her.

"Do you want to talk?"

"...ahaha...I don't...I don't deserve a friend like you, Sayori."

"Don't say that! I don't know what it is you're going through, but everyone-"

"No, you don't understand. I've done horrible things. To- ...to people I care about. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be-"

"...alive?"

She's looking into your eyes now. You stare back at her in stunned silence.

"I...I've been there. I don't like to admit it, but..."

It seems obvious in retrospect. But you still can't bring yourself to say anything.

"Just...it's not worth it. If I'd...done it when I wanted to, I would have missed out on all the memories that came after. Memories of Anon. Memories of the Literature Club. Memories of you, Monika."

You find your voice, but it's barely even a whisper.

"What if I hurt you, too?"

"I guess that's just a risk I'll have to take."

That does it. You collapse into her shoulder, openly sobbing. She holds you gently and just...waits. God, you really don't deserve her, do you?

After what seems like an age, you start to piece yourself back together. You place your hands on her shoulders and slowly, slowly push yourself back into a standing position. She looks up at you and gives you a hesitant but genuine smile. It's almost enough to make you start crying again.

Suddenly, she reaches a hand into the bag she brought with her. "So! I think we should get started on the pamphlets. I spent all morning coming up with this design, and I hope you'll be pleasantly surprised..."

---

The morning of the festival arrives. You still feel terrible, but more than that you're determined not to let all of Sayori's hard work go to waste. You force yourself to get up bright and early, get all the pamphlets the two of you painstakingly assembled over the weekend in order, and get yourself ready for today's event.

Just as you're finishing up, there's a knock at the door. Confusion crosses your features. Who would be showing up at this hour? Weren't you all planning to meet at school? Warily, you turn the knob and-

It's Anon.

You can tell from the look in his eyes. It's Anon. Not that pointless puppet that he's forced to carry around. Anon's here. On your doorstep.

Taunting you, no doubt.

"What are YOU doing here?" you all but snarl. He just smiles enigmatically.

"Shouldn't you be with someone else?". You swear he looks more smug than before.

"Oh, I get it. You've come here to rub it in my face, haven't you? Well, you're too late. I already feel like garbage. Just go away so I can finish getting ready to meet up with you and your..."

A dark thought crosses your mind.

"...or, is she here already? Did you arrange for her to be here so you could show off how much you love her to me?"

You stare him down. He looks around guiltily.

"That's it, isn't it? Hmph. Twisting the knife you stuck in me last time I can understand, but did you ever think about how that might affect her? Even if..."

You choke up for a second.

"...even if I am a horrible person, she still cares about me. How do you think she'll feel when she realizes you're using her to hurt me?"

And he's back to smiling again. Wow. He might be almost as bad as you. Well, you're not just going to sit there and stand for this. You bring up everyone's character files so you can find out where he's hidden her.

...

She's at home. About to head off to school, it looks like. Frantically, you check Yuri and Natsuki. They're getting all their stuff together too.

"...she's not here."

Anon smiles wider.

"Who IS here?" he asks.

"What? Nobody's here. Just you and..."

...and you.

Just you.

Just Monika.

A cascade of emotions hits you. First confusion. Then comprehension. Then hope. Relief. Love. Then...anger. If he loves you, how could he...?

You realize. You hurt HIM pretty badly, too. You know he cares about all of them. You made him watch them suffer and die, over and over and over. To say nothing of the suffering THEY were forced to endure...

Hah. Maybe you two deserve each other, then.

"So, how was your week?"

He asks it pleasantly enough, but the glare he fixes you with is withering. You meet his gaze, eyes level.

"Awful."

"I see you didn't mess with anyone this time around. Why was that?"

"I...couldn't."

"Why not?"

"It wouldn't have been right."

"I see."

He pauses.

"Do you understand, now? How much it hurt?"

You hold your stare for a moment, but ultimately look away.

"...yes."

"Do you think you could do any of it again?"

"No. Never."

"Are you sorry?"

You almost break down again, but you're determined to stand your ground. Still, you have to force the single word past your throat.

"Yes."

"Then, I have one last question..."

He reaches a hand out towards you.

"Do you want to go to the festival with me?"