Unhinged essay

HH by CC Episode 1: The Most Unhinged Way to Use Hinge, Part One

I’m only half joking about this title. I actually think this is a really good and excellent way to use Hinge! But I'm sure it will come off as a little unhinged to some of you, especially straight girls trying to date men.

I will get on my soapbox for one paragraph and one paragraph only and I promise I won't get back on it for the rest of this post. Women are not socially conditioned to have the same kind of rich and varied dating life as men. There's a bananas amount of pressure on girls to have kids and find a husband ASAP and in the meantime even the language we use to talk about dating is sexist! "Playing the field" and "sowing you wild oats" are two idioms that make you think of only men and there is no masculine equivalent in the English language for female nouns like "slut," "whore," and "spinster." Men that end up alone by choice or circumstance are bachelors.

We need to coin a word for female bachelors. In fact, comment at the end of this post if you have any good ideas!

That being said, I love to kiss. I could kiss all day if I didn't have shit to do! Empires to build! Patreon content to write! A BOOK TO FINISH, WHO SAID THAT??? I don't sleep with a lot of people, but I want to be clear that is not because I disapprove of girls sleeping around. Anyone regardless of gender should be able to explore their sexuality with consenting adults however they see fit as long as it doesn't hurt anyone blah blah blah... I just find that my anxiety barely permits me to enjoy LIFE—Like, if I can't calm down in a bubble bath with a book sometimes, how the hell am I supposed to ENJOY VAGINAL PENETRATION with a stranger I just met???? Are you fucking nuts?!?!!

I imagine if I were some chill surfer dude who lived alone in a shack on the beach in Hawaii and just, like, went around grinning all the time and eating açai bowls at sunbleached picnic tables and splitting coconuts open with a machete because I just like, loved life so much, I might feel differently. But no. I have depression, okay?? I'm worried sunshine gives me wrinkles large knives make me nervous because I don't know what I might do with them. I only ever go for runs in Florida after dark and I only enjoy sex when I'm calm. I only calm down when I've really gotten to know someone with someone and maybe am also blackout drunk or on shrooms or molly. Kidding! Kind of. Moving on!

We've digressed. I know thyself and fucking strangers makes me anxious, but kissing strangers makes me happy. It's also just nice to have someone you have a crush on to text about nothing, ya know??? But to get a crush on someone (that they deserve!!!!) you have to go on a date. And even then you might be projecting an identity on them that they don't even have!!!!!!!!! But that's a different column. And this is a column about how to get Hinge dates in the most time-efficient, self-honoring, ethical and honest and maybe unhinged way.

You see, there're lots of things I don’t get right and I can only imagine I will continue to get things wrong until I die because that’s the human condition. Planning Creativity Workshops. Saving money. Picking reliable ghostwriters who WON’T sell me out during the darkest days of my Adderall addiction. But using Hinge?

I’ve always thought: This is something I’ve gotten right that I would like to share with people someday!!! Even if you don't take any of the advice I'm doling out her, I think the way we all navigate dating apps is fascinating and under-discussed, especially among influencers. I want to know how the people I follow on Instagram use Hinge!!!! Not that they would ever tell. That would be.... Is it too repetitive to use the word unhinged again so soon? Maybe this article will make you better at dating. Maybe it will only make you laugh. Maybe it will make you immediately unsubscribe from my Patreon. Only one way to find out, my precious ones. Onwards! No. Wait! Disclaimers and then onwards. I'm framing this whole piece of memoir as a how-to guide, but keep in mind that at the end of the that's also just a literary device and this is Patreon column for MEMOIR by me, A MEMOIRIST WHO'S NEVER PRODUCED A BOOK. I'm trying to give you a view into my life you've never seen before and I'm doing it through the vehicle of dating advice. What I'm trying to say is don't come for me in the comments if you find my perspective very cis-gendered and heteronormative because the majority of my experiences have been exactly that and I am not ready yet to talk about dating girls. ALSO THIS USAGE FOR HINGE WAS DEVELOPED PRE-COVID!!! I am doing the word-equivalent of posting a snapshot of my life pre-apocalypse to celebrate the "the good times." Do you understand? Will you let me fucking live?

Or maybe I need to calm tf down and stop being so antsy and defensive and realize that maybe my Patrons aren't out to get me the way that an organized team of burner accounts are on Instagram?

Anyways. This is a dating guide/experimental piece of memoir about prioritizing time. YOUR TIME AS WELL AS THE TIME OF YOUR PARTNERS IS PRECIOUS. If Steve Jobs wore a uniform every day because he thought getting dressed took too much minor decision-making, HOW THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE WE ALL SUPPOSED TO SPEND WEEKS (WEEKS!!!!) DMING STRANGERS FROM THE INTERNET ON A DATING APP ABOUT NOTHING BEFORE WE EVEN SET UP A TIME TO MEET??? YOU WON'T KNOW IF YOU HAVE CHEMISTRY WITH SOMEONE AND HAVE A CRUSH ON THEM AND WANT TO KISS THEM UNTIL YOU MEET. And it might seem counterintuitive to spend extra time now reading about how to save time later, but that's how learning a skill works, dumbass. I'm sorry. I got shouty and then I got too worked up. You're not dumb, ok? Intimacy and sex and connection are beautiful parts of life and it's not embarrassing to want them or to be on a dating app in order to get them. But for the love of God **breathes into paper bag** use Hinge in a way that lets you spend the maximum amount of time possible living your life, doing your shit, making your art, and the least amount of time focusing on MEN.

STEP ZERO.

Step Zero was actually the last step that I wrote. I made this whole guide and then in editing I had to circle back around and insert this part in the beginning because I realized that if you don't have good pictures on your profile there is nothing I or anyone else can do to help you.

I'm going to make this quick, because I'm assuming the six pictures on your profile are already great. But if you need to take new ones with a friend or re-arrange the ones that you already have, I've found that this formula (scrolling down from top to bottom) works GREAT.

1. Stunning natural beauty.

2. Wifey shit.

3. Thirst trap.

4. “I have rich friends.”

5. “I’m good at ____.”

6. Personality pic.

STEP ONE.

Okay let's rewrite your profile!!!!! RESPONSES TO PROMPTS. Make them easy footholds for messaging you. Throw a stranger a bone. Give them something to message you about. For example: All three of my prompts have a Scientology bit running through them and this is a ballsy comedy move that I would NOT recommend for everyone, but I only want to fuck people who like ballsy comedy. And plus! A scientology bit makes it just so fucking easy to slide into my dms with something about Xenu or L. Ron Hubbard or Leah Remini or Going Clear (the movie) or going clear (the acrtivity) or body thetans. The amount of dirty body thetan jokes I’ve received, YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE!

Don’t write your Hinge prompts with the intention of getting people to KNOW you.

That comes later, on the date that hasn’t been scheduled yet.

Write your Hinge prompts from OUTSIDE of the house that is your dating profile, looking in.

STEP TWO.

Be impeccable with your right-swipes. You know that advice from The Four Agreements: “Be impeccable with your word?” Yeah, like that thing that I've never done successfully, even once, in my career? Just like that. (Side bar: How ironic is it that Reddit spend so much energy roasting me when no one on Reddit will ever be able to roast me better than I roast myself?) Be impeccable with your word, but for swiping right on Hinge.

BUT ALSO DON'T SPEND TOO MUCH TIME SWIPING BECAUSE YOUR TIME IS PRECIOUS, OKAY???? NO MORE THAN THIRTY SECONDS PER PROFILE!!!! I feel like girls will end up weaving all these elaborate fucking tapestries in their heads about a man’s profile, trying to give them a chance. Stop. If you’re on the fence about someone’s profile, set your phone down in your lap and imagine that person’s face between your thighs, looking up at you, in the middle of going down on you. This is an excellent method for accessing your gut feeling about someone and I'm sure that if some reporter buys access to my Patreon this is the only sentence of the entire column they will pull for a quote.

STEP THREE.

Send the first message. Don't wait for matches and NEVER just send a like on someone’s photos. That’s weak and a waste of everybody’s time.

If you there’s something you genuinely want to say to someone—maybe you’re from the same home town or you saw something in their photos that reminds you of something funny—respond to that person’s profile with THAT instead of what I’m about to tell you! Original comments are preferred above all else. But if you don't have an original comment, I have instead for you what is truly the best dating app conversation-starter of all time.

Pick the FUNNIEST thing on their profile and if they’re not funny just pick something non-sexual, like “What do you order for the table? Truffle fries." Now respond:

Fuck. So hot.

Capital F, fuck.

Period.

Capital S, so hot.

Period.

THAT’S IT AND THIS IS GENIUS AND LET ME TELL YOU WHY THE PSYCHOLOGY OF THIS WORKS SO WELL!!!!!!!

Everyone’s on dating apps to fuck. Like, even me with all my anxieties is hoping that I will meet someone wonderful I can relax around and have the best sex of my life with. “Fuck. So hot.” in response to the FUNNIEST thing on a Hinge profile is the perfect mix of hyper-sexual dirty-talk and harmless mischief. “Fuck. So hot.” is the first message they see from you. It makes you stand out. It makes them respond.

To Be Continued...

HH by CC Episode 2: The Most Unhinged Way to Use Hinge, Part Deux

STEP FOUR.

Swipe, swipe, swipe!!!!

NO MORE THAN THIRTY SECONDS PER PROFILE AND SWIPE A LOT.

Copy “Fuck. So hot.”

Paste, paste, paste.

Don't even type it out!!!!! Just copy and paste. "Fuck. So hot." "Fuck. So hot." "Fuck. So hot." This not only saves time, but reminds you that you're a boss bitch who doesn't even have time to write people individual messages. I'm not saying you shouldn't write thoughtful messages to people who are important to your life, but... Writing thoughtful messages to people you've never even talked to before on Hinge who you have no guarantee will even respond???? YOU OWE THEM NOTHING.

Plus, writing—nay, pasting—the same message to such a large quantity of people reminds you of the very ephemeral and transient and abundant nature of dating apps. Don't get too attached to any one profile. Get attached to people once you meet them and have reason to like them. But profiles that haven't even responded to your? Never. Next!

STEP FIVE.

People will respond back to your “Fuck. So hot.” with various shit.

It truly doesn’t matter what they say back to you AT ALL.

It’s literally just an indication that they like you back.

Wait a day or two—BUT NO LONGER THAN A WEEK—before your reply.

STEP SIX.

Okay now that you’ve been absolutely RUTHLESS in your swiping and have an inbox full of responses, you’re ready to copy and paste another message to send to everyone.

“Text me and we can get drinks 555 555-5555. I don’t check this app often, sorry about the delay in response!”

Copy.

Paste.

Paste, paste, paste, paste, paste, paste.

And you can paste with abandon because at this point you know that all the messages in your inbox are from matches you actually like!!!!!!!! There’s none of this “oh, is this one of the people I actually think is hot or is this one of the sketchy profiles I said yes to when I was drunk?” You trust your past self because her taste is EXCELLENT AND TERRIFYING.

STEP SEVEN.

Not everyone will text you just like not everyone replied to your: "Fuck. So hot."

But most people will!

As the texts come in, save their names in your phone IMMEDIATELY. Drop what you’re doing and save their numbers!!!!! No one likes a text inbox with lots of random numbers. Even I, Caroline Calloway, cannot tolerate that level of chaos. So!

Once I meet someone and really like them, I’ll put an emoji next to their name that reminds me of tthem. Swedish flag for Swedish boy. Top hat for the boy from Greenwich, Conneticut. Spiral emoji for the musician who seemed to have poor emotional regulation.

If someone from Hinge texts you, but DOESN’T say their first name (as in: “Hey it’s Henry from Hinge”) you’re absolutely fucking FUCKED because you just sent out your number to so many people!!!!

This rarely happens to me, but it is a scenario that does happens occasionally.

I want you to be prepared for it, but the truth is I never have been. Last December a guy did this to me, just texting "Hey." I replied. "Santa? I've been very nice this year." And I got his name that way, but that was sheer luck. I've never had to flat-out ask: “Who is this?" But I firmly believe that if they’re actually interested in you, any guy will let this awkward moment slide. Plus it shows him you have options! Lots of people are texting you! You're a lady who can't be expected to know where an unsaved number is coming from! This method is what I want to do next time because the only other time a guy texted me without his name I just kept the conversation going like there was no issue and then suddenly I was trying to meet up with him at a bar in the West Village and I had no idea what he looked like.

As we were ordering drinks, I pulled out my ID in case I was carded and joked, “I’ll show you my ID photo if you show me yours.” Then read his name off his driver’s license, boom. Scammed him, didn't I? Just kidding this whole situation was a huge flare up for my anxiety and although I might have pulled it off on the outside, on the inside I was melting. Never again. In the future, I'll just be brave enough to ask.

WHY NOT GHOST? GHOSTING IS UNETHICAL. Even if you're dealing with someone who you think would ghost you, if the situation was reversed, still do not ghost. NEVER GHOST. It is my firm belief that ghosting is beneath good people and honesty is always preferable.

STEP EIGHT.

Pick a FANTASTIC neighborhood spot. This extremely local gem can’t be more than two minutes walking distance from your apartment. Tops! And this extremely local gem needs to be AMAZING. Like, a spot that makes you happy and drooly and giddy as soon as you think about it. If you don’t have one of these in your neighborhood, MOVE. Lol jk. (But actually???)

Your ~~~Spot~~~ doesn’t have to be expensive. It just memorable. Cozy. Delicious. Dearly beloved by you.

Here's why: Commuting to dates takes TIME. Later on in a relationship, definitely split the travel-time 50/50. You’re not a tyrant!!! But on a first date? Nah. NOT IF YOU CAN HELP IT!!!

Take the lead and when they text you. When they're, like "Hey it's _______." Be like: "Heyyyy [new text] Have you ever been to ____? [new text] It’s my favorite neighborhood spot for _____. [new text] Friday 5 PM?

OR WHATEVER DAY AND TIME WORKS FOR YOU.

Don’t worry about wasting your date’s time making them commute to ~~~Your Spot~~~

If Your Spot is good, you’ll be taking your date to a hidden corner of New York City that they never would have seen if they hadn’t met you.

 And plus! If you like them a lot and want another date, you can always reciprocate for the second date and travel to THEM. But while wammin are still making 73 cents on the dollar I think it's reasonable to have the menfolk travel to YOU. Double plus: It’s kind of sweet and flirty to suggest a date spot so close to your home because implies you can go back there if the date goes well.

To Be Continued...

HH by CC Episode 3: The Most Unhinged Way to Use Hinge, Part Three

STEP NINE.

Overbook yourself.

In New York City, pre-apocalypse, I used to schedule two dates a night for myself.

Often, three.

Hear me out!!!!!!!!!

People in New York City are busy. Busy people cancel. They just do!

I cancel all the time and how could I judge someone for being flakey when I’m sure to be the same way at some point???? Stuff comes up. Plans change. People get sad and just don’t feel like going on a date tonight anymore. (Lol, me!) And you know what? I WANT someone who's busy and in touch enough with their emotions that they know how to prioritize their interior worlds!!!!!

And is there any feeling worse in this world than looking forward all week to a date that cancels on you at the last minute???? No. Plan ahead.

If you schedule two dates for yourself on any given night, one will probably cancel. Expect this. Expect to be this person sometimes, too. If you schedule three dates, you’ll likely have one or two.

People’s schedules rarely line up with this fantasy schedule, but this is what I aim for in a perfect world in terms of perfect date times:

Hinge Date 1 - 5 PM

Hinge Date 2 - 8:30 PM

Hinge Date 3 - 10 PM

Here's how I like to arrange my dates in terms of how I feel about them:

Hinge Date 1 - The one you like the most—you’ll be the most sober so they’ll meet your actual personality.

Hinge Date 2 - The one of you like the least, but still like a lot because you’re spending your precious, un-renewable time going on a date with them!!!!!

Hinge Date 3 - The one you want to fuck the most, um duh.

Some logistical notes on scheduling two or three dates in one night:

Keep these dates in your iCal and save them with people’s names (“6 PM - Date with   ____”) because you WILL forget the times and who you’re meeting. Although never will you forget the spot. Always the same spot! In fact, it will become deeply fucking soothing and grounding and perspective-lending to see a bunch of different faces against the same backdrop as you remain YOU. Do you know what I mean? This date is not about the other person. I mean certainly be kind and courteous to them, but don’t lose sight of the fundamental truth that you are the captain of your own life and YOU are out here tonight looking for something, whatever it may be. So often when I was younger—and still in my weakest moments now—I can find myself wondering, “Does this man like ME?????” And then I refocus myself on the questions: Do I like this MAN????? Am I actually having fun? Am I actually attracted to him??!?” I wish I could say I have any particular thoughts on dates with girls, but I'm still in such early stages in that journey that my nerves are a jumble of frayed circuits and my mind is an expanse of gray panic.
The reason I like to putting a large gap in between my first two dates of the night is because I  love love LOVE that feeling of being one-date tipsy. It is the perfect amount of tipsy in my opinion. So once I get that buzz with someone else, I "spend" that buzz on being present with them and asking them questions, but I also "save" some of that buzz for myself. Unless the date is super amazing and I want it to go on forever, I say goodbye to them after an hour or so and I walk thirty seconds back to my apartment and make some art or just listen to music and do some laundry or something. Chores are never more fun that when you this specific amount of tipsy and music will never sound better in your headphones.
If the person you’re going on a date with has a real 9-5 job and can’t meet you at 5:30, no worries. You can schedule that first date at 6:30, but no later than 7. And if they can't do that early, you might just have to accept not every night is a multiple date night. You don't want to be stressed out thinking you’re going to fuck up the timing of all your dates and get caught in some terrible, zany 90’s rom-com plot of your own making. It's better to have one calm date than three that are too short because you tried to squeeze too many into too little time.
If any of your dates go super-well and you want to cancel all your other dates and just spend time with them, do it!!!!! It’s New York City and people cancel all the time. Occasionally, you're allowed to be one of them. So prioritize real connections—they’re valuable and rare.
The trick to making sure the timing works out on a three-date night is just be firm about goodbyes. If I know a date is going no where I, try to work in pretty early to the conversation that I have a “big deadline for work” tonight and if the date hasn’t wrapped up naturally by the time I need to leave, I’ll be like, “Sorry, but I really have to get back to get back to work and finish this thing before I go to bed…” If they ask you questions about what your deadline is, be like, “Honestly, I don’t even want to into all that stress right now.  But thank you for the drinks. This break with you has been exactly what I needed tonight.”
Three dates is EXHAUSTING and it’s hard not be TOTALLY DRUNK by the third date (or viciously hungover the next day), but no one can deny the fact that three dates in one night is very time efficient in the long-run. Like, it's a huge commitment that day, but it leaves the rest of your week wide open! You can spend six days of the week doing other shit, focusing on YOU, never once thinking, "Oh I have another date tonight," which can sometimes distract you all fucking day and leave you functioning with only 80% of your brain while the other 20% is already in la-la-date-land. Bang out three dates on a Tuesday know that you made an effort to meet three new people this week, while still prioritizing working on your art.
Sometimes three dates in one night is just too much adrenaline. Sometimes meeting new people taxes me. Take your own emotional pulse and build a schedule around whatever your heart wants at this particular week in the calendar. Sometimes I’ll schedule two or three dates in one night every night of the week and some months I won't feel like going on a date at all. Be breezy about rescheduling.
STEP TEN.

Buy CHEAP candles. Buy a watercolor paint set.

I debated whether to put the section on how to ask someone back to your apartment as Step Ten, and then have the part on how to prepare your apartment as Step Eleven, but then I decided it made more sense to put the preparatory stuff first.

Buy cheap candles. Buy a watercolor paint set.

When I started penning this four-part Hinge essay-series, I originally wrote instead: "Or buy anything to DO at your home. Ideally something you’re so good at that you can offer to ~teach~ the other person. Hot! My thing is painting But you can choose whatever."

No! I've thought about it more and I've decided that I'm not actually that good at painting, and more importantly: Being not-intimidatingly-amazing at something is kind of the point.

Buy cheap candles. Buy a watercolor paint set.

You don't need to be able to "teach" the other person anything. You just need to be a source of genuine encouragement so they can lighten up and let go and express themselves creatively in your presence without fear of judgement. The point is to relax. Painting is relaxing just like going to new peoples homes is stressful. You want this person to have a nice, memorable time at your apartment that they will cherish forever!!! Also if you're me, you'll want to relax yourself. Anxious bbs, rise up!

The best kind of hook-ups happen when all parties are at their maximum amount unwound. Vacation sex? Yeah.

Do you know what else is relaxing? CANDLES.

Buy cheap candles. Buy a watercolor paint set.

BUT DO NOT BE BUYING BOUGIE-ASS CANDLES FOR RANDOM HINGE PEOPLE. Save your designer candles for yourself. Cop a cheap set of candles in bulk from Amazon. Not those flimsy little tea lights in those ugly metal containers because they don't last that long and their stubby little wicks are a bitch to relight and this one time I forgot to blow them out and they almost set my apartment on fire. (Unless that's going to get me in some sort of legal trouble, in which case this is all a funny Patreon joke, ha ha, officer!) But I'd recommend candles with a sturdy container made of something sturdier than a thin sheet of metal, like ceramic or glass. Buy cheap candles. Buy a watercolor paint set.

To Be Continued...

HH by CC Episode 4: The Most Unhinged Way to Use Hinge, Part Four

STEP EVELEN.

When it comes to making the move from the bar to my apartment, I try to be pretty up-front about what I want so that this person can plan their night accordingly. What if they just really want to have sex and if they knew sex wasn't on the menu they wouldn't want to go home with me at all??? They'd rather just get some extra sleep instead of hanging out for another God-knows-how-many-hours??????

If I’m unsure what I want from that person that night, I'll just say exactly that: “Would you like to come back to my apartment and we could light some candles and paint, BUT THIS IS NOT AN INVITATION TO HOOK UP. I’m literally going to set out paint for us and if you don’t expect to paint you should not come home with me.”

If I like them and maybe want to make out, I say eventually at some point in the night if they don't ask me back to their apartment first: “Do you want to go back to my apartment and paint and maybe later we can...make out?” Innocent eyes. Impish smirk. Shrug. Look down in lap.

If I don't like them at all, I just offer to split the drinks (or let them pay if I've done a bad job budgeting that week, fml) and thank them for the cocktails and.......................

STEP TWELVE.

Honesty without tact is cruelty.

But 90% of cis-het white men can't deal with even the most tactful honesty.

As a recovered addict and therefore someone who’s very interested in living a life with as few lies as possible because I used to tell so goddamn many, I’m eager to cut down on lies wherever I can. Even white lies. Even bowing out of a date with someone I can tell I’m not interested in with the white lie of a “work deadline” pains me. But here’s the fucking thing: Women have to do this or they will be yelled at by men via text.

There is no amount of tact that I have yet discovered that satisfies the cis-het white male ego.

I’ve tried to tell white cis-het men that I don’t like them with as much tact as possible. Thirty minutes into a date that isn’t going well, I’ll be like: “You know, this is hard for me to say, but if I’m being completely honest with you—we met on a dating app, Hinge, and I’m on that app because I’m looking for a connection with someone. And I can already tell I just don’t feel that with you. It’s nothing you’re doing wrong… It’s just that the chemistry isn’t here for me. So because I know YOUR time is precious and MY time is precious, I’m actually not going to get another drink and I’m just going to go. Thank you for everything and I wish you all the best.”

Comment down below if you have a more tactful  way to say this.

BECAUSE ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF THE TIME, white men will send me a text later that night telling me I was rude or fat or ugly or, most frequently: That I should have done something about my rejection of them differently.

They always critique the rejection itself!!!!!!! I always use the same rejection and their critiques of it are always different. I should have done it outside the restaurant! I should have said something sooner! I should have waited longer than thirty minutes before I excuse myself! Even if I block their number because I am ANTICIPATING a retaliatory text, as long as they have an iPhone, it will still come through on my iMessage the next time I open my fucking laptop.

So yeah. Lie. Don't lie. I don't know!!!!!!! I don't want to lie, but I also don't want to be yelled at for telling the truth as tactfully as I can. “I have a work deadline and I need to finish it before I go to sleep,”sadly works as well as saying (gently!!!) what's really on your mind and knowing that you told no lies tonight. The net gain of both options equal each other.

If I like the person, but I just have to leave because I have another date that night, I’ll add: “But maybe when my work deadline is done we can celebrate with another drink! My treat this time!” And if I REALLY like the person—like, I end up dating them for weeks and months and I want them to get to know the truest version of myself—I’ll eventually tell them: “You know the night of our first date I actually didn’t have a work deadline. I had another date because first dates are a gamble and I like to be efficient with my time. But I’m happy I’m with you.” Whispered, of course.

STEP THIRTEEN

Meet duds. This is actually part of the plan and it's important that you understand this. To date is to go on good dates and to have bad dates. SOMETIMES YOU WILL HAVE BAD DATES.

Having a bad date doesn't mean you are failing: it means you are succeeding at what it means to date.

Meet people you don’t like and be okay with the fact that you don't like them! Or that they don't like you! Have dates so bad you cry! I mean, don't go out of your way to do this, but when it happens don't beat yourself up!!!!!!!

I wish this didn’t have to be part of the dating process and that every date could be a ten out of ten. But meeting duds is just the way it is. They’re often not terrible people, they’re just terrible for you.

For, let's say, every forty people you match with on Hinge, twenty will actually follow up with a text and ten will actually make plans with you and five will actually meet up with you and two will be good and MAYBE one will be good enough to fuck.

So hot :)))))) Make peace with these odds.

STEP FOURTEEN.

The final step!!!!!!

Take....

All the time you used to spend wondering about whether or not you should swipe right on someone;
All the time you used to spend dm-ing strangers on dating apps before you even exchanged phone numbers to meet;
All the time you used to spend feeling sad about dates that cancelled on you;
All the time you used to spend commuting to dates;
All the time you used to spend sitting through bad dates you already knew were going nowhere instead of bowing out of them after the first drink (whether you use a white lie or not!!!!);
All the time you used to spend on good dates that went on too long because you didn’t know how to ask them back to your apartment;
And take all that newly freed-up time and put it towards YOURSELF.

Go make your thing. Everyone has a thing. Romance and intimacy and sexuality are essential elements of the human experience and I don’t think it’s frivolous to put time and effort into the pursuit of them. (Thirteen steps worth of time and effort, to be exact!!!!!) But going on dates as time-efficiently as possible is not your purpose in life. You go on dates in in the most time-efficiently way possible so that you can have a rich human experience on the side of prioritizing your purpose. For me, it's art.

Speaking of: I have a book I need to go finish.

The End!