My short life in a nutshell.

Emptiness is how I feel. How I feel is emptiness. Nothing but.
I feel numb, empty, dead.
As if my soul has diminished into thin lifeless air, as if I am just a living skeleton.

24th June 1994, Birth of Hanna, Formally known as Yoanna.
Aka the day I regret the most, but unfortunately couldn’t prevent.
½ Bulgarian, ¼ Romanian, ¼ Asian.

I went through primary school made fun of, laughed at, everything a normal kid goes through, right?
I mean, I had a pretty good childhood. Great neighbourhood, highly paid babysitter looking after both I and my sister, whilst my Mother and Father both engaged in work day to day in order to pay for the essentials life requires.

29th May 2003.

Clueless, 8 year old me. All I remember was being at someone else’s home, when an old man came up to me and whispered the words, “Your father has passed away”.
Since my father had been missing for 3 days, I thought this meant that he had passed by, in his car or something. But oh was I wrong.
Sitting in the front row at his funeral, emotionless, still young and unaware of the impact this has caused me.
As I watch the coffin depart the funeral house, I watch my Mother running after the coffin, helplessly yelling “Stop, Stop!” It was the first time I had seen her cry, and the most I have ever seen her cry, even till this date, 6/09/12. I still stood there emotionless.

That’s all I remember. I don’t remember him. I don’t remember his personality. I think about him once in a blue moon.
The only thing I can ever so slightly remember is that he use to go down to the basement and listen to Jazz music loudly so everyone in the house could hear it. He always wanted to be alone while he did so.

People always ask me how he died.
Well the honest answer is, I don’t know.
Police say it was a “Accident”, that his car rolled down a muddy hill, that his car hit a tree, that he tried escaping out of the destroyed car, Climbing up the muddy hill with broken ribs… but to have in the end rolled down that muddy hill, the hill I live 5minutes walk from, to have drowned in the little stream at the end.

How realistic is this reason? I don’t know, and I will never know. Today after my counselling session, I asked my Mother if it was suicide, if he was depressed. She yet again answered with the same answer, “I don’t know”.

I envy my father.

Then intermediate school started. Had a great bunch of friends, best friend Courtney, who I am no longer best friends with, and semi good grades. Went travelling with my Mother and Sister, got baptised by my Father’s Mother, Evanka, at a Bulgarian Church, in Bulgaria.

So my two years in intermediate were good. I was happy, enjoyed life, had my first boyfriend at 12, first breakup at 13. But nothing fazed me, happy, vibrant, hyper Hanna.

When High school came, I cared a lot about superficial materialistic things, such as my appearance.  I constantly watched what I ate, converted to being a vegetarian, maintaining a strict healthy diet, and engaging in many different sports and going to the gym 4 times a week, Genetically I think I was passed on with good looks, face wise, but I worked for my body. But, I also was/still am, addicted to the internet, the people on the internet and the games on the internet. During these years of my life I was highly bound to the computer, some days I spent 12+ hours playing online games, such as Runescape. The consequences started to show during year 11 when I was only doing average in school.

Year 9, Age 13, A+ Grades, Lots of classroom girl drama, nothing you haven’t seen before. Friends coming, friends going. Popular. Great friends. Happy mother. Second boyfriend William, dated for 6months, no sex. Broke up with him, got bored.

Year 10, got moved into top class, did Year 11 work and assignments, got A+ grades. 2 Boyfriends. No sex. Best friend Micaela. Still popular.

Year 11, still in top class, doing Year 12 Maths and Advanced Sciences, Average grades. Good friends, not so popular. 1 Boyfriend, No sex. Mother met Denis, her current Partner, through my assistance of forcing her upon signing up for to dating site.

Year 12, still in top class, Chemistry, Physics, Biology, Maths, English. Horrible grades, hardly any friends, not popular at all, no boyfriends, no sex.  Probably switched between 4 different groups of friends that year. Confused. No motivation, but hoped to do better in Year 13.

Currently in Year 13.
Top class: Chemistry, Physics, Statistics, Calculus, PE & Computing.
Well known, invited to most parties where I end up making out with at least one person each time. 1 Boyfriend, 2months, no sex. Unhappy depressed mother. Miserably failing ALL my classes. Lack of motivation.  No REAL friends. Unhappy. Counselling each week. Miserable.

I hate school. I go to school each day feeling as if I am living my life on repeat, same actions each day, same schedule. Wake up, Go to School, Come home, Go on the Computer, Sleep. I haven’t studied for anything since the middle of Year 12. I haven’t done any homework, I haven’t done any assignments. I spend each class daydreaming or pretending to do work. I simply just have no motivation.

No motivation to do well, No motivation to socialise with friends properly, No motivation to live. I honestly don’t know what happened to me. Why I lost this motivation, why I’m miserable. Maybe it is my beliefs on life, coming to the realisation of what life really is.

I had always been someone to question life and to question death, as everyone does. One night when I was watching the movie 7 Pounds, a thought popped into my head. A scary one. I was thinking deeply about death, about how when I die I would be non existent, forever nothingness. How it would be like as if I was never born. I jumped out of my chair, paniced. I couldn’t sleep, I was thinking about this for the whole night. Then I came to the conclusion that life is nothing but pointless. How I am on this earth to do nothing but help the population reproduce. I thought about the fact that after High school I would have to do 4 years of university, then working for the rest of my life. This completely put me off living. Whats the point? Working hard for money. Money. Money. Money. Everything revolves around this word. The reason we go to school is to get a good education, TO EARN MONEY.

People are constantly telling me that I should live my life, to experience all the beauty, to travel, to have fun. And I ask my self the same question, but what for? When we die, all this so called “beauty”, experiences and memories, diminishes with our body. None of it matters in the end. The people we love, care about, know… they all will die at some stage too. So once again, nothing matters. We all die.

So my question is, why not die now? Im not being a coward, im not taking the easy way out, im not quitting. As I have said many times before, there will be no difference if I die now, then if I die when im old and lifeless. Everything in the middle doesn’t matter.

I feel soulless. I cut my wrists most nights, some nights deeper than the other. People also ask why I cut myself. I cut myself and bleed just to remind my self that im alive. I don’t care what you think of my reasoning, but that is my honest reason. I don’t resort to doing anything else because I don’t want to, simple.

I guess im tired of living, but im scared of dying. The only thing that distracts me from the hard cold reality of life is the internet. It’s like a completely different world. In real life I get judged a lot for my looks, especially by girls. I get called a slut, whore, dumb, stupid, and so on, just because I am relatively attractive. The attention from men in real life is nice, but that’s not my point. On the internet individuals acknowledge me for my mostly bubbly personality, my knowledge of computers, hacking, trolling, gaming and my humour. Its nice, a world of non materialism and unlimited amount of people I can talk to on my Skype list, at any time… people I call friends, something I lack in, in real life. I have met the best people on the internet, someone I currently love, and also the worst people I have met in my life. Still, the good outweigh the bad.


When I think about it, the only person I am truly living for is my Mother, Polly. I admire her so much; she is my idol, my hero. She’s lived through her husband’s death, something I could NEVER do, only to look after my 14 year old sister and I. My love for her is unlimited. I do everything in life just for her, im currently struggling through school, going each day just to make her happy. To make her proud of me, and not blame herself for my failures. I don’t blame her for my birth, that’s selfish. She has been a single working mother for 10 years now, owns two houses, a great business and is just all round successful. She is amazing. The guy she is currently dating, Denis, came into our lives, jobless, houseless, with just a Van and a cheap $2000 Car. My Mother didn’t care about his finance problems. I guess I can call her the most kind, amazing, thoughtful person in this world. If my Mother didn’t exist, I would be dead a long, long time ago. I don’t do chores. Most of the time im in the house I’m alone in my room, on the computer, hardly ever help her do anything around the house, yet she still loves me. She has never forced me into studying, even though she is ½ Asian; she still ignores her cultural values just because she knows I don’t like being told what to do. You coped through my impatience and anger daily. Mother, you are my Best Friend, and I love you So, So much, more than anything in this world.

My 14-year old sister Chanel. Oh does she get on my nerves. I’ve scratched her, punched her, slapped her, etc. and she still seems to care about me and love me. I love you Chanel, even through all the times you’ve intensely annoyed me. I still hold all your secrets you have told me close to my heart. You are going to do well in life, I believe in you. You’re going to be the best nurse in the world, mainly because of your care and kindness towards people. Never forget me. I love you.

I get called perfect a lot. I get told that my life is good.

Perfect, Having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be.

Perfect because of the way I look? Because of the fact that im a girl who plays games? Because of my personality?

I am far from perfect. Very far.
I am 18years old. Still a virgin by choice. I have no real friends in real life. I love someone miles away from me. I have numerous insecurities. I spend most of my life on the computer. I push people away from me. I am self centred. Self absorbed. Selfish. Mean. Rude. A complete and utter bitch. I do things for my own entertainment, in result harming another person’s feelings/life.

As for my life being good. No. I’m lonely 95% of the time. Maybe I don’t have it as bad as other people. I haven't been raped, sexually touched, abused, not poor, not ugly, etc. so maybe you think my reasoning for death is  exaggerated, but It's not. This is how I feel, and how I will feel forever. My opinion is that life is pointless and that I want everything to end. My life, my choice.

I’m sorry.

I have made many mistakes in life, which I regret. But killing me is not a mistake. It’s not something I will regret. It is something I am scared to do, want to do, and will do. If you are still reading this far, my time will come, and so I’ll be gone. To a better place, far beyond. I love you all as you can see, but it will be better soon, I will be free.

Love,
Hanna.