Cryless fluffies 1

Cryless fluffies Flufflit 06/25/12(Mon)06:59 No.2793837

Anyone up for reading a rough first draft of an incomplete story I'm writing?

Remember that this story isn't finished yet, it isn't edited yet, either. I just wanted to see what the general population thought of the idea.

>Be a worker at a reputable breeder in Genericsville.
>Competition is tough, but your company has something the others don't.
>Discipline.
>You're there as a trainer for the fluffies.
>You don't have any insight into the whole breeder-part of the business.
>You just know that you get ten foals per week to discipline, you think they're about two weeks old.
>You're one of two trainers at this facility.
>You take five foals one hour and then you get the other five the next hour.
>While you do your discipline, the other trainer trains the foals in basic discipline.
>Like never pooping outside the box and the likes.
>Your job is something else altogether, though.
>Your job is to make sure these foals will never cry.
>The most annoying part of owning a fluffy is to hear it cry, the sound is so annoying.
>So you sell fluffies who won't cry.
>You sell these foals for loadsa dosh.
>It's 8 AM on a Monday and you have a new batch of foals.
>Ten foals of varying races and colours stand in a small room of your breeding facility.
>You never think of them as individuals, that way your job is much easier.
>They're playing tag and hugging each other, most of these foals have been properly weened of their mothers so they don't miss her as much.
>Your partner comes in and picks out five fluffies for basic discipline and leaves you for the rest.
>This is the first challenge for these fluffies.
>Many of these foals played together and when your partner picks up his foals some of the fluffies starts crying and begs to let them back.

>Hear random cries of “nuu take fwens” “sistah! nu take sistah!” “wan pway, why fwen go?” and the likes.
>Your partner knows this is the first part of these fluffies' trials so he knows to pick foals that have been actively playing with other fluffies. He deliberately separates foals from each other so they'll begin missing each other.
>When he leaves you have five foals in front of you who cries.
>You begin by observing which one of them will cry the longest so you'll know the weakest link.
>A yellow earth pony stallion stops crying out loud first and starts to give hugs to his friends pretty quickly.
>He's the strongest one.
>It takes a long while for him to comfort the others.
>The fluffy who cries the longest is a light green pegasus stallion.
>At this point everyone but the yellow stallion and the green pegasus are sniffling.
>The stallion has calmed down but the pegasus is still crying hysterically.
>This is where you interfere.
>You walk up to the ponies, who hasn't noticed you yet, and say a sentence to the fluffies.
“No crying, only bad fluffies cry.”
>They look puzzled and look to you and start babbling inane stuff.
>These things usually ask for hugs but this statement was so alien to them that they started asking what you mean.
>”wha? cwying bad?” says the yellow stallion. He doesn't get it now but he'll probably understand first. “cwying fwuffy nu bad fwuffy” says a pink pegasus mare. She's still sniffling.
>The only problem is the green pegasus.
>You've now said that crying is bad, and that makes her even more upset so she's crying even more.
>The yellow earth pony hugs her and says “fwuffy stop cwying, hummie nu wike cwying fwuffy”.
>You decide that you need to punish the pegasus for being a bad fluffy.

>You take your riding crop and show it to the group.
This is the sorry stick. If you cry you will be punished with the sorry stick.
>None of the fluffies get what a sorry stick or punishment is yet so they mostly look confused.
>The green pegasus still cries so you guess you can show them what you mean.
>You pick him up by the neck to the sounds of “nu take sad fwen, pwes giv back”.
>He trashes in your hand and you warn him one last time to make sure that the message is clear.
Stop crying or you'll get the sorry stick.
>He doesn't stop.
>You don't want to upset the other fluffies so you take him to the next room which is labeled “sorry room”.
>You tell everyone that he's getting punished for crying.
>They don't understand and start crying themselves.
>You'll have to make sure they stop.
>But now it's time for this fluffy's punishment.
Stop crying.
>He's still crying loudly.
>You raise your riding crop and give him a swat over the eyes. This is incredibly painful to the fluffy.
>He actually stops crying for a short moment due to shock, but of course he cries even harder after that.
>You repeat your order and gives him another hard whack over the eyes. This doesn't stop him from crying either so you just repeat this over and over again.

>After fifteen minutes he actually stops crying.
>He looks up to you with bloodshot eyes and tells you “pweese no mow sowwy stick, fwuffy be good, fwuffy nu cwy”.
>You know that the only reason he doesn't cry his eyes out is because he's afraid.
>But it's a good first step.
>You pet him and give him a cookie for being a good fluffy for not crying. When you pet him you see some bruises around his eyes.
>It's a good thing these things have so much fluff, otherwise the owners would see it right away.
>When he's done eating and is happy again you bring him back to the main room.
>There's four other fluffies there who looks terrified and all of them has shat themselves.
>You knew it was a good idea not to sound-proof the sorry room.

From here on I'm thinking of going further in describing the discipline of these fluffies and also have an inside scoop in their psyche. I'm mostly looking for feedback now so I know what to improve. I'm one of those people who feel better when getting negative criticism than positive. So tear me apart.