Username: Ghost-Quartet

Album: Forever Your Girl: This was the only album I had listened to before the rate and I assumed it would steamroll everything, and while the other albums definitely turned out better than I expected I still rate this as a very good album. I really think Paula’s musical output is underrated, it’s just sheer fun. Even if she’s not the strongest singer she made up for it with a complete lack of shame and willingness to get weird with her music, something I think we need more of today.

The Way That You Love Me: 8.3 And she exits the gates like a cannonball. I love the cheekiness of this song. Like, the lyrics are saying one thing, but something about the music is telling me something else! The lyrics say “I don’t care about money” but that kick drum says “but you’re still paying.”

Knocked Out: 6.4 Eh, of all the songs on this album I’d say this is the most “filler.” It’s just a bunch of ‘80s sounds, it’s a cliche more than a song.

Opposites Attract (feat. The Wild Pair): 9.5 It takes guts to be this cheesy. Paula’s vocals already sound a little bit cartoony so she was just like “screw it, I’ll do a duet with a literal cartoon” and the results are surprisingly great? I have a sense that this felt stupid and dated when it came out, which meant that it was only ever going to get better with age as nostalgia turned it from painfully stupid to enjoyably so. I honestly miss when this kind of synth laden gentrified “hip and fresh” rap was that used to be everywhere in the ‘80s and ‘90s, like [those old Wendy’s training videos.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJ-JBFXh2IU&frags=pl%2Cwn) It came from such a strange place of innocence.

State of Attraction: 7.2 It’s music that’s trying really hard to sound fresh and modern that ages the worst. That makes it sound like I don’t like this, but really it’s just fine. It’s got a good chorus and some memorable moments but more than a lot of songs on Paula’s album the dated sound holds me back from liking it.

I Need You: 5 I think I said “Knocked Out” was the most filler track on this album but that’s just because I literally forgot this existed.

Forever Your Girl: 10 Honestly, this is the best song on this album. I think this playful yet genuinely sentimental tone suits Paula’s uniquely girlish voice very well, I really believe her on this song. Every part of this song is dynamite, chorus, verse, pre-chorus, bridge, intro, outro, whatever, click anywhere in the runtime of this song and it’ll have my attention. More than any of the other songs in this rate I’ll just replay this one over and over again.

Straight Up: 8 I find the clashing instrumental to be a little grating, it’s really good but I can’t listen to it on repeat or anything like that.

Next to You: 8.7 I didn’t expect this from Paula, this is very silky and dreamy. It’s a nice change of pace from the more in-your-face, sillier tracks but it still blends in. Maybe I’m crazy but it feels a little ahead of its time, slow this down a little and add some trap drums and this could have been released by an alt-r&b girl last year.

Cold Hearted: 10 [this moment literally changed my life and redefined how I think about music,](https://66.media.tumblr.com/e3c8c94b961a128c61f07b8da2ac02b4/tumblr_inline_pewgyoBRbS1si4ouw_540.gif) thank you queen Paula. Am I basic gay for just giving this a ten and then not writing more? Yeah, probably.

One or the Other: 6 Kind of a weird ending for the album. She’s having her “forgotten early Kylie Minogue B-side” moment.

Album: Madonna: In general I’ve never loved a Madonna album, but usually I find one or two songs that I connect with. I did not here. Obviously Madonna is an incredibly important and influential artist but wow was this album unremarkable, if she wins I WILL be pissed because this is far and away the worst album here. Her voice is squeaky and annoying on this album, and Paula Abdul is in this rate. Usually there’s at least smart writing and good production to back her up but both of those things are absent here, which makes me question why so many of the songs were so long.

Lucky Star: 5.5 I can totally hear the influence that this had on songs like “Cut To The Feeling” but like… they did it better. The lyrics are really dumb.

Borderline: 7 There are points in this song where Madonna actually sounds good! It starts really cute and I was into it for the first half. I’d give it a higher score but there’s that weirdly long, really empty instrumental break in the middle that drags the song down. In general the song feels way too long, it could easily have been cut in half. The music video basically does and it still feels too long.

Burning Up: 2 Is she serious? This song is awful. I won’t give it a lower score because a lot of the problems I have with it are more symptomatic of the times than this specific song, but this is a capsule of what was wrong with ‘80s music. Bad lyrics that are overzealously cheesy in all the wrong ways, empty synths that plod along, singers that sound dead and unenthusiastic (I did not buy that “come on”), and an overall cheap sound.

I Know It: 6 It’s fine I guess. It sounds like it could have been from a musical maybe. There’s actually some potential here but it’s undercut by the tinny instrumental that robs the song of any power it might have had.

Holiday: 7.5 It’s alright, it’s cute, it’s fine. I don’t know what she thinks she’s doing with that bridge though. The album really starts to perk up at this point.

Think of Me: 8 This actually isn’t bad.

Physical Attraction: 6 What’s Madonna’s obsession with putting an underwhelming instrumental break in the middle of her songs?

Everybody: 8.1 I like this one, it has a lot more personality than the other tracks on the album. Her vocals have some spunk here that I believe, though she starts to sound like a child towards the end there.

Album: She's So Unusual: I really had Cyndi underrated. I’ve always held something of a vendetta against her because she won the 2013 Tony Award for Best Original Score for her work on *Kinky Boots*, which upset me because I thought all of the other shows had better music (Tim Minchin was robbed) but you know what… maybe she is talented? Her vocals on this album are insane in the best way, I really appreciated how crackers she goes here.

Money Changes Everything: 9 Damn, what an album opener. She just reaches through the speakers and slams you with that voice. And a harmonica solo? She shouldn’t have, but she did, for us.

Girls Just Want to Have Fun: 8.5 I hope whoever came up with the idea to do that marimba sounding synth solo got their dick sucked. This song is such a crowd pleaser, it goes off at a party or at a concert, but when I just sit down and listen to it it loses some of that power.

When You Were Mine: 8.5 Was that… was that a whistle note?

Time After Time: 6 I’ll be honest, I’ve always found this song kind of annoying. Usually I like Cyndi’s voice but she sounds like she’s choking here and the melody of this song moves at such an awkward tempo. It’s like it’s moving at 1.25x speed and always half a beat ahead of itself. Mariah sampled this for a song on *Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel*, which is my favorite Mariah album, but incidentally the song is my least favorite song on there.

She Bop: 6 Did she just invent the word bop? Damn these albums really were influential. I don’t know if “bop” is the right word for this song though. Sometimes quirky is too quirky.

All Through the Night: 7.5 It’s good but doesn’t inspire. I do like how twinkly and soft it is.

Witness: 7.5 Someone’s gonna make a Katy Perry joke, aren’t they? It’s a fine song I guess, the reggae vibes are a nice change of pace that blend well with the overall sound of the album.

I'll Kiss You: 10 One of my favorites from this album, she sounds insane and I’m here for it. I love the weird lyrics on this song!

Yeah Yeah: 11 Justice for “He’s So Unusual.” Like a lot of new wave songs the lyrics don’t make a lot of sense, it’s more about the onslaught of sounds and the overall vibe. And man, what a vibe! This is one of those “everything and the kitchen sink” songs that I adore. Cyndi goes everywhere at once on this track; she’s both placed firmly at the center of the track and wandering above everything aimlessly. She injects her already off-the-wall vocals with a B-52s-esque twist and her performance ends up sounding insane in the best way, and it’s perfectly matched by the band who are just *nailing* it. Plus there’s touches of surf rock, which as a California boy I always love. The snippet of “He’s So Unusual” that plays as the song is closing is just the cherry on top of an already delightful song. It’s not a perfect song by any means, but I think that’s why I like it so much. More than any other song in the rate this is just pure crackerjacks, it’s an explosion of vibrant energy that takes it home but leaves us wanting more.

Album: Whitney Houston: I actually kind of thought that this album had the smartest writing of all three albums. It also felt like it was the most mature, which is odd because I think Whitney is the youngest one? The tracks have issues standing out from each other but they’re still consistently good, and do unfold themselves on a closer listen.

You Give Good Love: 7.3 A solid start to the album, right off the bad they hit us with those silky vibes and that *voice*. I love that the verses are like, three lines but because of how Whitney sings them they feel so much longer. It’s a somewhat unremarkable song but Whitney and the production bring such romance to it.

Thinking About You: 7.7 This song is almost too long for me but through smart lyric writing it manages to keep my attention. Like, the imagery and verbiage in the verses are really cool. And I was snatched a little bit when Whitney changed up her style for that third verse.

Someone for Me: 5.5 The narrative it presents is cute but kind of interesting for how long the song is. It’s like, she’s lonely, so she goes to a party and finds a guy? That’s not very evocative, nor is the melody/chorus very strong, so when we get to the final two minutes of the song which are basically just her repeating “someone for me” over and over again there’s not really any power behind it. The verses are cute though, they kind of save it for me.

Saving All My Love for You: 9.5 mmmmm, listen to that band. Listen to that sax. Honestly you could take Whitney off this track and it would still be a total bop, but when you put her on top it’s just overkill.

Nobody Loves You Like I Do (with Jermaine Jackson): 8 These melodramatic romantic ‘80s duets… honestly I’m here for it. The lyrics, the music, the singing, all of it has this gravitas to it that really makes love sound monumental. Especially the lyrics.

How Will I Know: 8.5 This is a great song (I mean, it must be) but honestly I’ve never liked it all that much. It just sounds cheap, and not even the normal ‘80s cheap. I also don’t really buy this sort of innocent bashfulness from Whitney, it feels out of place even at this age. But it’s still a fun pop song!

All at Once: 10 The juxtaposition of putting this after “How Will I Know…” Apparently this was a single but it doesn’t seem to have a music video, [but the single art](https://images.rapgenius.com/ef81d4f97317b319a909db728cff34de.284x284x1.jpg) really makes me wish that it did. I think this ended up being my favorite song from the album, it really shows the power of this kind of melodramatic ‘80s style. Everything is so damn serious, it’s almost ridiculous but the sheer power of it keeps you from laughing. It makes me nostalgic, both for this kind of music and for my long lost love. Maybe I’m just a slut for broken hearts. The lyrics are great and this is one of the best choruses on the album.

Take Good Care of My Heart (with Jermaine Jackson): 9.5 This dynamic funk! I think it gets weighed down by some of the instrumental choices (I’m not a huge fan of the way that they made that drop happen after the chorus) but when it succeeds it’s soooo smooth. Jermaine and Whitney have really good chemistry.

Greatest Love of All: 9 This song is the be-all end-all of inspirational anthems. No song before or after has even come close to accomplishing what this song accomplished, no matter how hard they all try. Nothing will ever match these corny lyrics, those strings, those slow burn drums, and Whitney’s earth shattering voice. Did you know this song was a cover? Because I didn’t until I looked it up for this rate. Whitney finds someone else’s song and she makes it her bitch. Legend.

Hold Me (with Teddy Pendergrass): 4.5 It’s not a bad song but it’s way too long and it’s NOT sexy! Aspiring songwriters, just as a tip never use the word “pleasure” in reference because it’s gonna gross your audience out. When the song started and Teddy was singing I felt like I needed to call an adult.

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