12 oz. Mouse script: S1E01_Hired

ext. street. jet taxi crashes. mouse walks into a building with a 'help wanted' sign.

int. shark's office. mouse walks in

SHARK: can i help you?
MOUSE: can i help you?
SHARK: what do you do?
MOUSE: i do it all.
SHARK: have a seat.
MOUSE: i will, because that's something i can do.
SHARK: then do something. do something.
MOUSE: i am. i did.
SHARK: what did you do?
MOUSE: it's already done.
SHARK: what did you do?
MOUSE: i helped you.
SHARK: are you drunk?
MOUSE: not drunk enough. can i help you?
SHARK: yes you can. got a job for you.
MOUSE: okay! i'm hired.
SHARK: businessman, coming in today. very important.
MOUSE: whoa. a real businessman? no way.
SHARK: he's rectangley. that's how you'll know him. by his rectangularness.
MOUSE: no way.
SHARK: drive him to cheese industries. you don't even know where that is. that's why we picked you. 'cause everybody else knows.
MOUSE: right now?
SHARK: mmhmm.

mouse pulls out a beer.

MOUSE: oh, look what i found! i gotta do this first.

mouse chugs the beer.

MOUSE: ahhh.
SHARK: okay. that works. how 'bout now?
MOUSE: yes, how about now?
SHARK: yeah. now's good. before would've been better, but before's over.

ext. street. mouse stands on his taxi, shooting at an airplane flying by. square approaches.

MOUSE: what do you want?
SQUARE: i have an appointment at cheese industries.
MOUSE: so?
SQUARE: i'd like to hire you to drive me there.
MOUSE: no talking. pay.
SQUARE: how much in the world is it?
MOUSE: get in.

int. taxi

SQUARE: god, is the heat on in here?
MOUSE: it should be. you like porno?
SQUARE: well, uh...
MOUSE: look at this.
SQUARE: um, i don't have any eyes.
MOUSE: oh, man. sucks for you. hey, you should feel around back there and grab me a beer.
SQUARE: but you're driving.
MOUSE: was driving. sittin back here with you now.

jetcar crashes.

SQUARE: are we here? becuase i have an important business meeting.
MOUSE: yeah, we're here. hey, let me help you inside.

int. porno set. mouse carries square inside. skillet is there with a movie camera.

SQUARE: wait a second. is this cheese industries?
MOUSE: it's about to be. you should take off your shirt.
SQUARE: what?
MOUSE: just lie down on the bed.

mouse throws square onto the bed.

MOUSE: (to skillet) okay, roll camera. (to square) and action.

mouse throws porno doll at square.

MOUSE: action. come on, get on that.
SQUARE: although this is a comfortable bed--
MOUSE: kiss it.
SQUARE: i don't think this is cheese industries.
MOUSE: kiss it. squeeze it. (to skillet) skillet, come on, let's go. (to square) we'll be right back.

mouse throws a bomb at square.

SQUARE: wait. wait, guys. hang on.

ext. street. taxi speeds away as building explodes.

int. taxi.

MOUSE: my head. that guy was such a dork. we should rob that bank.

skillet screeches.

ext. bank.  skillet emerges from bank with a bag of money, jumps into taxi, screeches.

MOUSE: alright, alright.

int. rhoda's. taxi crashes through wall. rhoda enters.

MOUSE: hey rhoda. let me get, uh... twelve beers.
RHODA: what are you, uh... what are you celebrating here? your, uh, outstanding gayness?
MOUSE: nope. our bank robbery.
RHODA: you robbed a bank?
MOUSE: hell yeah.

skillet screeches.

RHODA: you boys are wild.
MOUSE: yes we are.
RHODA: i mean, you boys are like wild wild, you know what i mean?
MOUSE: that's right.
RHODA: i mean complete wild at a wildness wildy. and i salute you.
MOUSE: yes, sir! (to self) like, whoa. look down there. me-ouse. meouse.

mouse stealthily approaches man/woman at end of bar, tries to make out with her.

MAN/WOMAN: uhhh!

man/woman slaps mouse.

MOUSE: ow!
MAN/WOMAN: what are you doing?
MOUSE: makin' out on you. it's what you wanted. i mean come on, look how you're dressed.
MAN/WOMAN: you're such a dick!

mouse vomits on her.

MAN/WOMAN: ewww! get away!
MOUSE: aw, come on, baby.
MAN/WOMAN: man power go!

she changes into a man. mouse vomits again.

MOUSE: don't be that way.

man/woman rockets through the ceiling. music starts playing. skillet screeches.

MOUSE: wait a minute. they're playing my song.

cut to mouse on a stage

mouse (singing): i love little pussy, her coat is so warm, and if i--

sirens sound. peanut enters.

PEANUT: you boys, uh, hear anything... bank robbery? about it?
MOUSE: y, yep.
PEANUT: uhhm... is that your stolen jet outside, with all those bags of money in the backseat? dude?
MOUSE: well, does it have bullet holes in it?
PEANUT: um, no.
MOUSE: then it's not mine, is it?
PEANUT: oh, wait a second! those are expensive beers!  you must have pretty good jobs to pay for those kind of beers.

skillet jumps on stage and screeches. mouse and peanut laugh. skillet does some flips.

MOUSE: excuse me, but that bartender just called you a homo.
PEANUT: oh!

peanut goes to rhoda and shoots him.

int. taxi

MOUSE: skillet!

skillet screeches.

MOUSE: we just spent sixty four thousand dollars in that bar. so, we're gonna have to get jobs, to cover up the fact that we rob banks. but first, i need to get a drink

int. liquor store.  mouse enters.

LIQUOR: ah, fitz, the usual?
MOUSE: yep.
LIQUOR: that'll be... let's see... three hunder dollars?
MOUSE: tell you what.

mouse drinks beer, throws it on the floor and leaves.

LIQUOR: perfect.

ext. street. mouse leaves the liquor store. a car drives by man/woman.

MAN/WOMAN: watch out! oh my god! watch out! watch! watch! watch it!

the car hits mouse.

MAN/WOMAN: oh my god! is he dead?
MOUSE: no, i'm just drunk!
MAN/WOMAN: watch out!
MOUSE: i'm just--

another car hits mouse.

MOUSE (in voice of man/woman): oh my god!

MOUSE: it's cool, everybody! i'm just drunk!

several more cars hit him.

MOUSE: see? it's okay!

mouse fires his gun a few times, hitting a bystander.

MOUSE: it's all cool, man. it's just--

another car hits him.

MOUSE: what, what? what're you all lookin' at-- what're you lookin' at? what's that, a-- is that a meteor?

a meteor falls from the sky and hits mouse.

MOUSE: that's a cool meteor.

producer enters.

PRODUCER: hey kid! you are really somethin'! you'd be great in pictures!
MOUSE: i would?
PRODUCER: yeah you would! hoho! up top!
MOUSE: but i'm too drunk!
PRODUCER: perfect, let me buy you a drink, because you are hired, sir! ha!
MOUSE: well... see, first i need to check with my boss, because he's a shark.

int. sharks' office

MOUSE: what's it like to be a shark?

shark falls off desk.

SHARK: ow!
MOUSE: nice. you need some help?
SHARK: wait. i'll do it.

shark props himself on his desk.

SHARK: so let me get this straight.
MOUSE: okay. please.
SHARK: i sent you out to pick up a client and take him to a meeting.
MOUSE: yes. yessir.
SHARK: instead of that, you took him to a porno set where he starred in his very first porno. then you blew him up.
MOUSE: wrong. that didn't happen.
SHARK: then, you robbed a bank...
MOUSE: robbed a bank?
SHARK: threw up on a woman...
MOUSE: what?
SHARK: and sang to the police.
MOUSE: that didn't happen. i didn't do that.
SHARK: huh. so what did you do?
MOUSE: i did exactly what i wanted to do.
SHARK: which was what? again?
MOUSE: all things. A-L-L.
SHARK: hey, you know what they say? that' i'm gonna give you one more chance. they always say that.
MOUSE: oh, yeah. i think i'll give you one more chance!

mouse shoots shark repeatedly.

SHARK: bulletproof.
MOUSE: hm. then i guess i'll take the job. what is the job?

ext. street. eye approaches mouse.

EYE: i live on an island in iowa. or wyoming.
MOUSE: no. you can't do that.

end.