Lessons in Diplomacy by DCFTEF (Celestia/Cadance & Blueblood

May 16th, 2016
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  1. Lessons in Diplomacy by DCFTEF (
  3. ---
  5. Princess Celestia, High Monarch of all Equestria and General Secretary of the League of Friendly Nations looked out her window as she finished up a bit of diplomatic work. The laughter of foals was an uncommon thing to hear in Canterlot made her smile to hear it, mingled with the rustling of trees in her garden and the tweeting of birds. Soon this paperwork would be wrapped up and she could go outside to join them.
  6. >"Betcha can't catch me!"
  7. Celestia had ruled over her country for thousands of years, but she'd never raised a foal of her own. There was always the option of adopting a little colt or filly, but the Princess knew that would be terribly unfair to the foal. Being Princess meant long hours, frequent travel and the danger of assassination. Better that an orphan be adopted into a humble, loving home that could give the foal all the love and attention it needed than to have a 'mother' who'd have to squeeze time into her schedule for a child. Having her own foal would have to remain a pleasant day-dream for Celestia.
  8. >"Tag! You're it!"
  9. But occasionally, the Princess found an opportunity to spend some time with her younger subjects. Today she had visitors...a young filly and colt, each from families with Royal lineage. Since governmental power was now split between the Crown Princess and local municipalities the titles these families held were just for show and tradition's sake...but the families were still rich and influential. Being born rich was not a requirement for becoming a leader in Equestria, but it sure gave a young foal a good head start.
  10. >"Hey, that's cheating! No using magic!"
  11. As a consequence, Celestia got to know all the young colts and fillies born into these important, ex-Royal families. They could grow up to be her administrators, advisers and military Generals. An advantage of being immortal was that she'd known most of her government functionaries since foalhood.
  13. This day's guests were a little Prince and Princess.
  14. Blueblood; a white unicorn colt with golden mane and Cadance, a real Alicorn...a rare thing in these days. Neither had their Cutie Mark yet but someday these two might hold high positions in the Equestrian government, so Celestia was eager to get to know them both.
  15. >"There, done!"
  16. Celestia dotted her last 'i' and crossed the final 't' before rolling up her scroll and sending it off to the Zebra Prime Minister. She stretched, happy to be finished and eager to feel grass instead of marble under her hooves.
  18. Celestia's private garden was filled with exotic flowers and animals. In addition, she'd asked her assistant to purchase a few expensive toys in case the foals got bored. But despite her efforts, and the beauty of her garden the two visiting foals had done what foals everywhere do; they'd located a big pile of dirt near the groundskeepers shack to play in.
  20. Quietly, the Princess approached, watching her two young guests play. To her dismay though the pair were not playing nicely.
  22. >"You're doing it wrong! Those rocks should be up here!"
  23. >"That's silly! We only have so many rocks, we need some down here!"
  24. The foals were busy building on the dirt pile. Blueblood had a castle built out of rocks and sticks on top of the pile, Cadance had constructed a village of mud houses, with a river and defensive wall near the base.
  25. >"You're already using most of the rocks for that goofy castle! We need some to line the river so the banks don't crumble and swallow up the town."
  26. >"The peasants were dumb to build their town there! We need to build a formidable castle so all the other nations know they can't conquer us."
  27. Celestia rolled her eyes.
  28. It sounded like a session of the Equestrian Parliament.
  29. Actually, the Princess realized, these foals have worked politics into their play. These were exactly the skills they'd need to practice for a life of service to Equestria.
  31. She let them continue.
  33. >"If we have a big castle other countries will know we're strong and want to trade with us. All the peasant's lives will get better!"
  34. >"The CITIZENS won't even have a place to live if we don't line the river banks!"
  35. Celestia giggled quietly at their dispute, but the fight began to get nasty.
  36. >"It's called investingment!"
  37. >"The word is investment, you big butt-head! And I say we should invest in the river you...Oligarch!"
  38. Blueblood called her bluff;
  39. >"You don't even know what that means!"
  40. >"Maybe...but I heard somepony yell that at my Daddy once and he didn't like it so it must be bad!"
  41. >"You're a Socialist!"
  42. >"YOU don't even know what that means!"
  44. The white colt was first to lose his temper. He pushed a clod of loose dirt off the top of the pile, causing a mini-landslide which covered half of Cadance's town and dammed her carefully dug out river. Before Celestia could react, the pink filly escalated, scrambling up the hill and tackling Blueblood right off the peak. They rolled around in the dirt, shoving, pulling hair and cursing each others name.
  46. >"My little ponies, that's not appropriate conduct."
  47. Subtlety was not working and that was cause for concern. On the other side of the garden wall was the Canterlot Sculpture Garden, which held a certain statue that might react unpredictably to any discord in its vicinity. Celestia knew she had to end this quickly.
  49. Accompanied by a blinding flash of sunlight her booming 'Royal Canterlot' voice was enough to freeze Cadance & Blueblood. They looked at their situation and simultaneously realized that their behavior was extremely un-royal. They scrambled to get up, pushing and shoving each other as they did. Princess Celestia waited patiently, but with a look on her face that sent a chill down both foals spines.
  51. >"I am extremely disappointed in both of you."
  52. Celestia kept her voice calm and measured. She was displeased with them but had to remember that she was their absolute Monarch and demigod. Without even trying she could be terrifying...more than once she'd unintentionally reduced a grown stallion to tears with a simple admonishment. Two blank-flank foals would require gentle, but stern, handling.
  53. >"Get yourselves cleaned up, you're both filthy."
  54. The Princess motioned toward a burbling fountain directly behind her.
  56. Shooting a disdainful glance at each other, the two foals scurried past on opposite sides of their Princess, keeping a respectful distance from Her Majesty. They washed on opposite sides of the fountain too.
  57. >"It seemed like you were having a nice game until you both made bad decisions and ruined it..."
  58. Cadance and Blueblood immediately began yelling recriminations, each tying to yell loudest so the Princess would know they were the innocent party and their enemy should be banished and locked in a dungeon in the place they were banished to.
  59. >"Excuse me, I was not finished speaking."
  60. She spoke softly, but it was enough to silence both foals.
  61. >"Keep washing, neither of you is done yet."
  63. As they rinsed a surprising amount of dirt out of their coats Princess Celestia lectured;
  64. >"You had a problem, but neither of you chose to solve it constructively.
  65. >"Cadance; name-calling is not allowed in my castle..."
  66. Blueblood got a satisfied look on his face.
  67. >"Don't you look so smug, young colt. We NEVER use the word 'peasants' to describe the ponies of our country. That's a bad word in my castle."
  68. Cadance stuck her tongue out at Blueblood.
  69. >"So if I hear that word again...or any name calling can expect to have your mouths washed out with soap, understand?"
  70. They both meekly replied;
  71. >"Yes, your Majesty."
  73. >"Alright, let me have a look at you."
  74. Celestia deemed that they were sufficiently cleaned so she parted the clouds and brought down a warm sunbeam. She called up a breeze and in seconds the shivering foals were both dry. Now they were shivering for a different reason.
  76. >"If it was only words it would be bad enough, but then you BOTH made the situation worse.
  77. >"Blueblood, it was inappropriate to push dirt over on Cadance's town.
  78. >"And Cadance...a Princess should never tackle another pony."
  80. >"But...!"
  81. She put her Royal hoof up and they stopped.
  82. >"Furthermore, it is very impolite to accept an invitation to somepony's home then behave like a hooligan. You both know better."
  83. >"Now each of you hold out a hoof..."
  84. Cadance and Blueblood whimpered, but obeyed. They still would not agree on anything though, so Blueblood held out his right hoof and Cadance offered her left. They trembled in anticipation of whatever was to come, but the Princess did not do anything horrible to their hooves. Instead she levitated a ribbon over to them and tied their two fetlocks together.
  85. >"I'm placing an enchantment on this...I'll know if either of you tamper with it."
  86. >"Now, you see that tree over there?"
  87. Cadance nodded. Blueblood tried to score a few mercy points by showing off his horticultural knowledge;
  88. >"The hickory tree, your M-Majesty?"
  90. >"Yes, Prince Blueblood, the hickory. I want you to go to that tree.
  91. >"Cadance, you will choose a switch for me use on Blueblood's rump.
  92. Blueblood gasped.
  93. >"And Blueblood, you will choose a switch for me to spank Cadance with."
  94. Both foals cried in protest, vociferously pleading that it was all their rival's fault and they were the innocent party. Celestia needed to raise her voice a bit;
  95. >"Ahem; I will be on the patio. I do not wish to be kept waiting."
  97. Tears in their eyes, Cadance and Blueblood stumbled out to the tree, neither willing to compromise enough to co-ordinate their walking.
  98. The colt complained;
  99. >"Why do we have to be tied together?"
  100. Cadance snorted angrily;
  101. >"Why did you have to be a jerk? Now we're going to get spanked!"
  102. She stopped (yanking Blueblood to a stop with her) and asked;
  103. >"Do you think she's going to tell our parents?"
  105. Taking on a haughty demeanor, Blueblood held his nose in the air and replied;
  106. >"Well I'm sure Father will agree with my side of the argument."
  107. The filly gave him a doubting look;
  108. >"Really?"
  109. Blueblood fell to his knees and wailed;
  110. >"No! My Father warned me that if I made the Princess angry he'd send me to the strictest boarding school in Stalliongrad! I don't even know where that is, I'm TERRIBLE at geography!"
  111. Cadance felt a tinge of sympathy, but she had her own worries.
  112. >"Mother told me the only place I'll be going is over her knee if I screw this up."
  113. A few tears were already pooling up in her eyes, but nothing like the tantrum Blueblood was having.
  114. >"Well why did you have to attack me then? All I did was push some dirt over!"
  115. >"Right onto the town I worked so hard on!"
  116. >"It was just a bunch of dirt and mud!"
  117. >"So was your dumb castle!"
  119. In a huff they tried to turn their backs on each other as well as they could with hooves tied together. Cadance snapped;
  120. >"Well I hope you're happy. Now because of a bunch of dirt and mud we're BOTH gonna get spanked!"
  121. >"No I'm not happy! I've never gotten spanked with a switch before!"
  122. He buried his face in his one free arm and cried;
  123. >"And it's gonna be awful because you hate me and you're gonna pick the biggest, most painfulest branch!"
  125. Cadance was silent for a moment. Finally, she replied;
  126. >"I won't do that..."
  127. Blueblood didn't believe her.
  128. >"Yes you will! We're gonna get to the tree at the same time because Princess Celestia tied us together. And I have to let you choose first because you're a girl!"
  129. >"What!?"
  130. >"My Father says a gentlecolt always lets ladies go first, so I have to let you pick first and I'm gonna get the worst switch on the tree."
  131. He sobbed in fear and anger. By the default rules of polite society he was doomed to the more terrible spanking. The world was unfair and there was nothing he could do about it.
  133. >"I wouldn't do a thing like that."
  134. Cadance's voice was kind, sincere.
  135. >"I wouldn't do that to you. I'm angry...I think you're a big doofus and this is totally your fault...but seeing you get an awful punishment isn't going to make me feel better."
  136. She pointed at a medium sized branch with no knots in it.
  137. >"I was gonna pick that one for you."
  139. Blueblood sniffled, but felt a great weight lifted off his shoulders.
  140. >"Really?"
  141. Cadance answered him with a nod.
  142. Now, from the depths of despair, hope flowed back into Blueblood. Now it was his turn to choose and he had the power! His eyes were drawn to a heavy, gnarled switch, full of sharp, stinging knots. It was exactly the kind of implement he'd been dreading just a minute ago. A switch like that would serve that annoying alicorn right!
  143. Calling him names...
  144. Questioning his ability to run a Kingdom made of rocks and mud...
  145. And the fight was her fault...she'd tackled him first.
  147. But he looked over at Princess Cadance.
  148. Her eyes were not full of fear, or anger. She looked at him plainly...honestly...and Blueblood realized, she expected the same mercy she'd afforded him. She would not demand it or beg for it. The choice was Blueblood's, and something in his heart told him what a true gentlecolt must do.
  149. >"We should pick two that are the same."
  151. Cadance agreed.
  152. >"That's fair. Neither of us is gonna win this argument but at least we don't have to lose so badly.
  153. >"But it's going to be hard to find two switches exactly the same."
  154. Blueblood looked at his fetlock, still tied to Cadance.
  155. >"I guess this means we have to work together."
  156. Though neither foal said anything they both realized at that moment; this is exactly what Princess Celestia wanted.
  158. In a few minutes the two returned to the patio. Though their gait was awkward they moved together.
  159. >"Well, let me see them."
  160. Cadance, then Blueblood handed their switches over for inspection. They waited nervously as the Princess levitated them in front of her, looking them over carefully.
  161. >"Blueblood, this is the switch you chose for Princess Cadance?"
  162. The colt nodded and offered a quick 'yes ma'am'
  163. >"Cadance, this is the switch you chose for Prince Blueblood?"
  164. She nodded as well.
  165. >"They look nearly identical. You must have worked together to choose these."
  166. They replied in unison;
  167. >"Yes, your Majesty."
  168. >"Well, it's a pity the two of you didn't realize you had that option a bit sooner, eh?"
  169. This time their response was a little more somber;
  170. >"Yes, your Majesty."
  172. >"Alright then. Turn around."
  173. The binding ribbon fell away as Celestia's spell dissipated.
  174. Cadance & Blueblood gave one last mournful look and did as they were told. They both turned to their left, counter-clockwise. It was a far cry from stumbling over each other a few minutes ago. They had learned fast and that pleased the Princess. This would not need to take long.
  176. Both foals trembled as they felt Celestia's magic lift their tails straight up.
  177. Any second now...
  178. *THWACK!*
  179. >"OW!"
  180. Apparently Celestia did not know the rule that ladies are supposed to go first, she gave Blueblood a cut first...but Cadance did not have to wait long;
  181. *THWACK!*
  182. >"Ouch!"
  183. Controlling two switches at once was no challenge for the most magically powerful being in Equestria. She swapped back and forth between the foals;
  184. *THWACK!*
  185. >"OoooowwwWWW!"
  186. *THWACK!*
  187. >"Eeek!"
  188. *THWACK!*
  189. >"OWWhhhhhhaaaahhh!"
  190. *THWACK!*
  191. >"Eeep! Ow, ow, owww!"
  193. They were smarting; a hickory switch did not need many applications to make a memorable impression on a naughty foal. As they sniffled and whimpered, waiting for more Celestia allowed them a breather.
  194. >"Ready to continue?"
  195. Neither foal wanted to say 'yes' but neither of them had the nerve to say 'no' to their ruler. In the end all they managed to get out were a few nervous squeaks.
  196. The Princess touched both switches to their respective rumps, causing their owners to twitch in fear...then swung both rods at once;
  197. *THWACK!* *THWACK!*
  198. *THWACK!* *THWACK!*
  199. *THWACK!* *THWACK!*
  200. The two very sorry ponies wailed, fearing that what had come before was the only warm-up they would get, and the ordeal was just beginning.
  202. But Princess Celestia stopped.
  204. >"Alright, you may turn around."
  205. Surprised beyond words, the two young penitents did not move at first. Was that really all? It hurt, but they had both expected much worse. Slowly, timidly, they accepted that the spanking might really be over. Surely the Princess wouldn't joke about something like this?
  207. Cadance was first to speak.
  208. >" that...all?"
  209. Celestia's eyebrows rose.
  210. >"Why? Do you think you need more?"
  211. Both foals waved their front hooves emphatically, lowering their rumps and answering;
  212. >"No! No more!"
  213. >"We're fine with that, your Majesty!"
  215. She leaned down and told them in a less formal tone;
  216. >"It was a very good thing you learned to co-operate. Being a leader means working with people you don't agree with and reaching a constructive solution...not calling names, throwing dirt or fighting. You both made a mistake, but you spared yourselves a more severe punishment by learning your lesson quickly."
  217. It was a huge relief to both foals.
  219. >"You have a few more hours before your carriages will come to pick you up. Go ahead and play now."
  220. That was a Royal Command both youngsters were happy to obey. Celestia watched them run away, a little gingerly, nursing their sore behinds. Someday one of these foals might be called on for a very important task. Celestia could feel something coming in the deep currents of magic that ran through her land. Sometime in the next 15 to 20 years a long forgotten Empire would magically return to the North of Equestria. She would need some pony to run it, and both of these foals would be of age by then.
  222. But that was far off. Who could know how this young Princess & Prince would grow up to be? For now she let them play.
  223. But like before they turned their noses up at the sumptuous private garden, they ignored the expensive toys...and headed straight for the dirt pile. In short order the Kingdom was rebuilt. This time the rocks were split up more equitably and Cadance built a new road past the town and up to the castle so everypony could share in the prosperity Blueblood's trade would bring in. They agreed to be co-Prince & Princess of the new realm, as long as that did not require them to hold hooves, kiss, or do anything gross like that.
  225. And they got absolutely filthy.
  226. >"Oh my goodness..."
  227. groaned Celestia,
  228. >"How am I going to explain this to their Royal parents?"
  229. But then she remembered;
  230. >"Oh yes, I'm the Princess. I don't have to explain shit."
  232. It's good to be the Princess.
  234. END
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